Trapped
He spent too much time in the restroom.65 total reviews
Comment from BarnCat
Wow, Bob, what a rush! I liked that all of your characters were flawed to one extent or another. Your action at the end was crisp and breathless, and very plausible. You might want to go back or a final edit for a couple of spag and dialog punctuation. I am sure someone has already pointed them out to you. Great story. D
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2010
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Wow, Bob, what a rush! I liked that all of your characters were flawed to one extent or another. Your action at the end was crisp and breathless, and very plausible. You might want to go back or a final edit for a couple of spag and dialog punctuation. I am sure someone has already pointed them out to you. Great story. D
Comment Written 19-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2010
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Thanks so much, Deb....I apprecate your fine review...bob
Comment from CKLA
Bob,
What a wonderful story. You had me sitting in the bar watching it all with your vivid descriptions. Great entry. Good luck.
Collette
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2010
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Bob,
What a wonderful story. You had me sitting in the bar watching it all with your vivid descriptions. Great entry. Good luck.
Collette
Comment Written 19-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2010
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Thanks, Collette. Icertainly am lucky to have you as a reader and fine reviewer...Bob
Comment from Belinda
HI, Bob, you really take the topic loyally till the end. The door was closed for good. And you keep the surprise (why the cop is so furious with Jackie) until nearing the end. Oh, wow, you killed three men in just one blow. Interesting.
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2010
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HI, Bob, you really take the topic loyally till the end. The door was closed for good. And you keep the surprise (why the cop is so furious with Jackie) until nearing the end. Oh, wow, you killed three men in just one blow. Interesting.
Comment Written 19-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2010
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Thanks so much, Belinda... I appreciate your review and comments...Take care...Bob
Comment from hotstuff
Your story is one of revenge that backfired. Very believable and packed with suspense. A sad ending for the bar tender-the innocent party. I liked the ending, quite a twist to the story, not at all what I expected.
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2010
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Your story is one of revenge that backfired. Very believable and packed with suspense. A sad ending for the bar tender-the innocent party. I liked the ending, quite a twist to the story, not at all what I expected.
Comment Written 19-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2010
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Thanks so much, hotstuff. I appreciate your fine review....Bob
Comment from bnd-writenow
What a great contest entry, and I believe you met all of the contest requirements.
Not having seen anything this dark from you before, I had to keep checking to see if it was really yours!
I like your dialogue, tension and surprise ending.
This is a good short story - about my favorite genre to read.
Good job, and good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2010
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What a great contest entry, and I believe you met all of the contest requirements.
Not having seen anything this dark from you before, I had to keep checking to see if it was really yours!
I like your dialogue, tension and surprise ending.
This is a good short story - about my favorite genre to read.
Good job, and good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 19-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2010
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Hi, there..bnd...LOL...Strange you should say that because this is basically ALL I write...See "Double Trouble" and "Fire and Ice" for instance...LOL...Hye, I appreciate everything you read and this great review...XX Bob
Comment from bobwhite
I guess you already know what a great writer you are. I enjoyed the amazing descriptions of everything. I kinda hope there were be a follow up so that we could possibly see the daughter of Casey come to her senses and take out nasty Jackie in a major way. Perhaps the poor trapped dog in the picture could do some damage to him. Excuse me, I got carried away since your story made my imagination start jumping every direction. ha
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2010
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I guess you already know what a great writer you are. I enjoyed the amazing descriptions of everything. I kinda hope there were be a follow up so that we could possibly see the daughter of Casey come to her senses and take out nasty Jackie in a major way. Perhaps the poor trapped dog in the picture could do some damage to him. Excuse me, I got carried away since your story made my imagination start jumping every direction. ha
Comment Written 19-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2010
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Wow! What a nice review...I see you are fairly new on FS, too. Welcome aboard, Bobwhite. I appreciate you taking the time..LOL..the dog is no part of the story of course...simply only thing I could find that looked trapped. Thanks again.especially for the wonderful six.....Bob
Comment from Annmuma
Stories where the bad guy gets his always please the reader! Great job. Your descriptions ar top notch and the action is right on. I found the use of the language appropriate to the scene. All around good work. ann
At Fifty-seven years -- I don't think the (fifty) requires a capital (F)
full head of brown-turning-gray hair, -- I like the picture painted
The truth was that he wanted a drink. --Suggest: omit (that). It doesn't add anything to the sentence.
And whatsmore, he wanted it in a knock-down, backstreet, lowbrow dumpy saloon where he didn't have to account for any of his subsequent ridiculous actions. He was in the right place, and he was on a mission.
-- Really gives the reader a good look at who the character is. Excellent.
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2010
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Stories where the bad guy gets his always please the reader! Great job. Your descriptions ar top notch and the action is right on. I found the use of the language appropriate to the scene. All around good work. ann
At Fifty-seven years -- I don't think the (fifty) requires a capital (F)
full head of brown-turning-gray hair, -- I like the picture painted
The truth was that he wanted a drink. --Suggest: omit (that). It doesn't add anything to the sentence.
And whatsmore, he wanted it in a knock-down, backstreet, lowbrow dumpy saloon where he didn't have to account for any of his subsequent ridiculous actions. He was in the right place, and he was on a mission.
-- Really gives the reader a good look at who the character is. Excellent.
Comment Written 19-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2010
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Thanks so much, Ann. I appreciate your thorough review and your tips...Bob
Comment from Kathryn Varuzza
Bob,
I like your story.
Good descriptions.
I like the dialogue.
Good action.
Good suspense.
Interesting.
I like how you ended it.
Good luck in the contest.
Katie
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2010
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Bob,
I like your story.
Good descriptions.
I like the dialogue.
Good action.
Good suspense.
Interesting.
I like how you ended it.
Good luck in the contest.
Katie
Comment Written 19-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2010
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Thanks so much, Katie. I can always depend on you it seems to review my work...Bless you, Bob
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You're welcome Bob. How are you?
Katie
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:) fine thanks...and you?
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Fine. :)
Comment from MizKat
Bob - Your story was an interesting read that held my interest throughout. Jackie sure cooked his goose when he killed two people and is unable to get out of the bar. Kat
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2010
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Bob - Your story was an interesting read that held my interest throughout. Jackie sure cooked his goose when he killed two people and is unable to get out of the bar. Kat
Comment Written 19-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2010
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Thanks so much, Kat....I appreciate your time...Bob
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Very good post. You did an excellent job with descriptions and dialogue.
I'm going to go in and roust this asshole in a minute if he doesn't get out here. (Turn this sentence around; If he doesn't get out here, I'm going to go in and roust this asshole in a minute.)
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2010
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Very good post. You did an excellent job with descriptions and dialogue.
I'm going to go in and roust this asshole in a minute if he doesn't get out here. (Turn this sentence around; If he doesn't get out here, I'm going to go in and roust this asshole in a minute.)
Comment Written 19-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2010
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Thanks, Barb...Made the change...what th eheck....Bob
