How This Critter Crits
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Micro-Critter and the Eavesdropper"GROWTH? ADULATION? HURRY -- CHOOSE!
94 total reviews
Comment from Alex in BC
JAYSQUIRES,
That's just what I needed. Now for me to go and start typing with all those elements and use the 'accent' I just read about, which as you mention is in my brain.
Great information and I love the way, through dialogue, you kept my interest, perfect, well done.
Maybe now I can add, tension, more dialogue, and make it easier for my readers to get through my non-fiction work(s). This is perfect for me, just what I needed, because I am struggling with highly technical information, which I need to lighten up. Images and drawings have helped, it seems. But now, the world of characters and dialogue expands forth, in my mind.
Thank you, much appreciated,
Alex
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2007
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JAYSQUIRES,
That's just what I needed. Now for me to go and start typing with all those elements and use the 'accent' I just read about, which as you mention is in my brain.
Great information and I love the way, through dialogue, you kept my interest, perfect, well done.
Maybe now I can add, tension, more dialogue, and make it easier for my readers to get through my non-fiction work(s). This is perfect for me, just what I needed, because I am struggling with highly technical information, which I need to lighten up. Images and drawings have helped, it seems. But now, the world of characters and dialogue expands forth, in my mind.
Thank you, much appreciated,
Alex
Comment Written 22-Jan-2007
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2007
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Alex, your words, and the emphasis your 6 star rating adds to them, mean so much to me. I hoped to instill a little fun and a whole lot of helpful information based on my personal experience of over 40 years of writing. I struggle like the rest of the writers on Fanstory. That is why your commentary helps me face the white page of the next segment. I hope to have you back for it.
Jay
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Jay,
For sure, I'm sitting here waiting.
Alex
Comment from H. Rebecca
Timing is the hardest think to get right. I would love to write long story but I have the hardest time getting past the Story Start. This is well written and informitive ... even funny.
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2007
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Timing is the hardest think to get right. I would love to write long story but I have the hardest time getting past the Story Start. This is well written and informitive ... even funny.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2007
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2007
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Yes, "timing" is hard. To feel you got it just right and at just the right time and furthermore you know in your gut that the reader knows its right and at the right time is acquired, I think, only after a lot of hard work. This is why the short story is such a good training medium. You can write and perfect twenty or thirty short stories -- while developing your timing -- in the time it would take to write one novel. Keep at it, H. Rebecca.
Jay
Comment from Plaid
Another great addition to critting, and an excellent lesson on writing. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
One minor suggestion:
The writer has seen such a scene many times, but, even if he had never actually been there and was reared, rather, in Santa Barbara, California; still, he's researched the geography of the place thoroughly (albeit from a leather chair in the city library). = thought this sentence was a bit awkward, perhaps remove "still" or start a new sentence there?
Cheers,
Plaid
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2007
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Another great addition to critting, and an excellent lesson on writing. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
One minor suggestion:
The writer has seen such a scene many times, but, even if he had never actually been there and was reared, rather, in Santa Barbara, California; still, he's researched the geography of the place thoroughly (albeit from a leather chair in the city library). = thought this sentence was a bit awkward, perhaps remove "still" or start a new sentence there?
Cheers,
Plaid
Comment Written 22-Jan-2007
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2007
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Plaid, thank you so much for the kind words. That sentence was hell to write. I tried to cut it down to shorter ones, but it seemed to lose something. You were right on, though, about removing "still." I'm going to do it just as soon as I finish the rest of today's crits. Thanks for catching it.
Comment from authorauthor
really good narrative...a bit long...but worth it once I got into the meat of the story...this piece is something I can relate to..I fully agree that 'critting' is intuitive and the reader's willingness to be open to that chemistry reaction...it's really there...good job
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2007
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really good narrative...a bit long...but worth it once I got into the meat of the story...this piece is something I can relate to..I fully agree that 'critting' is intuitive and the reader's willingness to be open to that chemistry reaction...it's really there...good job
Comment Written 22-Jan-2007
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2007
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Thank you openess for your kind words. Yes, it is admittedly rather long. I'm glad you worked through it and even got something of value from it. Best to you...
Jay
Comment from vanillatte
Hello Jaysquires,
Nice chapter/addition to the book. You've outlined in a very concise and clear fashion what is important to a good/interesting story. You gave examples and compared/contrasted different approaches.
I like how you interject humor into your work. It adds interest to a potentially dry subject matter. The example of the cardinals and the bunnies is priceless. Hey, you haven't written that story have you? I might just. . .
Kidding. Just kidding.
Excellent chapter!
No errors I could find.
VL
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2007
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Hello Jaysquires,
Nice chapter/addition to the book. You've outlined in a very concise and clear fashion what is important to a good/interesting story. You gave examples and compared/contrasted different approaches.
I like how you interject humor into your work. It adds interest to a potentially dry subject matter. The example of the cardinals and the bunnies is priceless. Hey, you haven't written that story have you? I might just. . .
Kidding. Just kidding.
Excellent chapter!
No errors I could find.
VL
Comment Written 22-Jan-2007
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2007
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You're good, VL, really good. I was thinking rather of a Bishop and a Playboy bunny cutting snow with a razorblade in the back room of that picketed book story. You can keep the blizzard idea. We'll see which one goes further, lol.
Jay
Comment from Granny Sandy
Hey there Jay. Looks like you've done it again. A great chapter with much good insight on what our craft as writers demands.
I watched "Of Mice and Men" one evening last week. The uppermost thought in my mind was OH TO BE ABLE TO WRITE LIKE THAT. As always, the emotions Steinbeck touches are still there to be savored.
With that said, I believe I found a little nit in your telling of Lennie's demise. I believe it was the back of the head rather than the back.
Also, the following left me a bit confused. I understand what you are telling me the story IS NOT but the flow to what the story IS isn't clear.
I've been away from this site for a while. What a pleasant surprise to have your latest offering on critting to greet me on my arrival back.
Good work as always.
Granny Sandy
Above all, story is not the writer telling the reader what people are doing to other people, though he/she is careful, even scrupulous, in telling the reader what that conflict is and what effect it has on one character or both or all. Drama! That's what the reader wants. And, he'll settle for nothing less.
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2007
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Hey there Jay. Looks like you've done it again. A great chapter with much good insight on what our craft as writers demands.
I watched "Of Mice and Men" one evening last week. The uppermost thought in my mind was OH TO BE ABLE TO WRITE LIKE THAT. As always, the emotions Steinbeck touches are still there to be savored.
With that said, I believe I found a little nit in your telling of Lennie's demise. I believe it was the back of the head rather than the back.
Also, the following left me a bit confused. I understand what you are telling me the story IS NOT but the flow to what the story IS isn't clear.
I've been away from this site for a while. What a pleasant surprise to have your latest offering on critting to greet me on my arrival back.
Good work as always.
Granny Sandy
Above all, story is not the writer telling the reader what people are doing to other people, though he/she is careful, even scrupulous, in telling the reader what that conflict is and what effect it has on one character or both or all. Drama! That's what the reader wants. And, he'll settle for nothing less.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2007
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2007
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Granny Sandy -- it's been a while. I hope all is well! I knew I should have reviewed "Of Mice and Men" before writing that part of it. Thanks for catching it. Thinking about it, there is more symbolic fodder to a bullet in the brain, isn't there? That's where Lennie's memories and dreams were stored. I wish I had taken the time to research it better.
You made a trenchent point about the clarity between what "is" and what "is not." I thought the remark about what the editor would say brought it into focus. I hope no one came away thinking I meant that Theme or levels of symbolism aren't important. I was only trying to say that a reader will never get to those deeper, more lasting elements without first reading the story. And he won't get to the reading of the story unless it is engaging. I guess my wife is rght when she tells me, "Jay, you'll find a way of taking the horse around the barn ten times before you take him through the door." Don't tell her she's right. She doesn't need more amunition. Bless you, Sandy.
Jay
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Jay. It's good to be back. I've missed our little chats. BTW, I posted a new short story last night. I would really appreciate your comments.
See Ya
Granny
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What's the name of the short story?
Jay
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Showing His Shorts. You may have read this when I had it under lock & key. The old memory is getting bad and I'm not sure I ever had this one on here at all.
Thanks
Sandy
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Jay. If you fixed the Lennie thing, I'll go back and rate your chapter again. Needs to be a five at least.
Sandy
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Would you believe, Sandy, the one thing I was most chagrined about and I corrected nits, but not that. Gonna do it right now.
Jay
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I'm going to try to check it out tonight. It's not the one where the boy dies in the alley, is it?
Jay
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Yep, it is. See my reply to your comments under the review section,
Thanks
Sandy
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Don't worry about the upgrade on your crit. I feel nothing wrong with a four. I'm just glad you reminded me of the bullet to the head. It stands corrected -- unless he shot him in the temple or the forehead. Thanks for your caring.
Comment from MiguelY
Nice job on taking us through some solid grounding in basic principles in a most enjoyable way. I liked the way you wandered from the theme and back, although I must say the opening, interviewing two hundred people, did confuse me somewhat.
A couple of very minor observations.
"You're all wet, Jay!) -- You're missing the ending quotation mark here.
"...alchemical interaction between the writer and his reader." I wondered here why you italicized "his". Does the writer have to be male? Even if "his" is non-gender specific, I fail to see why you've italicized it.
Again, I enjoyed what you had to say, particularly about conflict. Excellent.
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2007
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Nice job on taking us through some solid grounding in basic principles in a most enjoyable way. I liked the way you wandered from the theme and back, although I must say the opening, interviewing two hundred people, did confuse me somewhat.
A couple of very minor observations.
"You're all wet, Jay!) -- You're missing the ending quotation mark here.
"...alchemical interaction between the writer and his reader." I wondered here why you italicized "his". Does the writer have to be male? Even if "his" is non-gender specific, I fail to see why you've italicized it.
Again, I enjoyed what you had to say, particularly about conflict. Excellent.
Comment Written 21-Jan-2007
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2007
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Thanks, Miguel, for the close scrutiny. I don't know why I italicized "his." I do tend to go overboard with italics. I'll go back and correct the lack of a quote. Thanks again. Good to have you back.
Jay
Comment from mslink1
A bonus ... but, alas! -- not our focus today. (This is a one liner, all by itself that says, nothing of importance. I think it needs to either be added onto the prior paragraph or the next paragraph, but not all alone ... tis unnecessary by little Jay.)
director(,) you'll be able to
." Or, you hear about how,(Instead of OR, how about Alternatively,)
Of Mice and Men(,) the reader experiences,
many times, but, even if (times, but, even ...do not need the second comma)
He's "got" the plot to his (got should not be used...He has the plot)
cardinal "dips and flutters by and looks (dips, flutters by, and looks)
the reader will go "on and on."(on=end of sentence preposition. Can solve by stating, "reader will go on repeatedly.")
"Show me the people!"? (punctuation)
The reader craves drama.(This is another wayward sentence that ... all alone. I'm sorry Jay. You obviously did it on purpose, and your not writing these for publication, are you?
Preferably(,) his face will
How much more so, then, in Man?(No, not because it's alone, lol, but it is a fragment. Can solve by using a comma and connecting it to the prior sentence or the following sentence.)
At this point(,) I want to
reader reads dialogue(,) is he not
A tough challenge, at best.(fragment=can solve the same way as the other)
Jay, in my opinion, this writing needs a little more editing for unnecessary wording. I cannot justify a five star rating, but will upgrade your writing to five, after you fix these nits, if you choose to even fix them. Hugs, Mary.
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2007
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A bonus ... but, alas! -- not our focus today. (This is a one liner, all by itself that says, nothing of importance. I think it needs to either be added onto the prior paragraph or the next paragraph, but not all alone ... tis unnecessary by little Jay.)
director(,) you'll be able to
." Or, you hear about how,(Instead of OR, how about Alternatively,)
Of Mice and Men(,) the reader experiences,
many times, but, even if (times, but, even ...do not need the second comma)
He's "got" the plot to his (got should not be used...He has the plot)
cardinal "dips and flutters by and looks (dips, flutters by, and looks)
the reader will go "on and on."(on=end of sentence preposition. Can solve by stating, "reader will go on repeatedly.")
"Show me the people!"? (punctuation)
The reader craves drama.(This is another wayward sentence that ... all alone. I'm sorry Jay. You obviously did it on purpose, and your not writing these for publication, are you?
Preferably(,) his face will
How much more so, then, in Man?(No, not because it's alone, lol, but it is a fragment. Can solve by using a comma and connecting it to the prior sentence or the following sentence.)
At this point(,) I want to
reader reads dialogue(,) is he not
A tough challenge, at best.(fragment=can solve the same way as the other)
Jay, in my opinion, this writing needs a little more editing for unnecessary wording. I cannot justify a five star rating, but will upgrade your writing to five, after you fix these nits, if you choose to even fix them. Hugs, Mary.
Comment Written 21-Jan-2007
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2007
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Thanks a lot, Mary. I do appreciate your eagle eye. I'll print this and take it to work tomorrow to go over. Thanks again.
Jay
Comment from HealingMuse
Hi Jay,
Very nicely done piece!
And quite informative, as respects literary analysis! :)
I wouldn't change a single word or punctuation mark - exceptionally well written! :)
Thank you for sharing with us all,
HealingMuse
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2007
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Hi Jay,
Very nicely done piece!
And quite informative, as respects literary analysis! :)
I wouldn't change a single word or punctuation mark - exceptionally well written! :)
Thank you for sharing with us all,
HealingMuse
Comment Written 21-Jan-2007
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2007
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Thank you, HealingMuse, for your wonderfully kind words. I hope you'll be sticking around for the remaining chapters. Much appreciated.
Jay
Hi Jay,
You betcha! :))) (I'll be sticking around!)
I'm much more "in my comfort zone" with such works as yours... But I'm very much enjoying all the fiction, humor and poetry, as it's stretching my capabilities beyond previous corporate / academic writing! :)))
Thank you so very much again for sharing your great work with us! :)))
Jan HealingMuse
Comment from hithereeveryone
There are, once again, too many asides and jokes which make this hard to read. You have a parenthetical inside an aside, for instance. It's distracting. The primary focus on this is critiquing fiction. This is non-fiction so, ironically, you can't use the criteria that is spelled out in this series to critique this work like my sense of justice demands.
Here is an alternate criteria. As you read, think of the progression of the piece. If you can read it all the way through, the read is easy. For every time the reader has to stop, go back and examine the phrase, it's either a really good thing or a really bad thing. Those gotchas could be for a particularly nicely worded phrase or a particularly poorly worked passage. Either you confused the reader or the word was bad or the structure messed them up. Also bad is when the reader is tempted to skip off the page or read lightly so as to avoid the bumps. I found myself first getting stuck in places where the tangents and stuff were leaving me out on a branch, then I found myself skipping lightly from branch to branch, seeing the jokes but not the meaning and having to go back and read.
As a piece of non-fiction, funny is irrelevant. I write crazy stories here, mostly humor, but in my day job I write technical documentation for databases. In non-fiction it's all about clarity and readability.
I'm now killing my point, but I think you see what I'm saying. This is technically fine, but you have put things in that make it hard to read and distract the reader from your point.
I hope you find this helpful. I think this piece is informative and helpful for critters, but it could be much more readable. Looking forward to the reality crashing chapter.
Peace
-HI
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2007
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There are, once again, too many asides and jokes which make this hard to read. You have a parenthetical inside an aside, for instance. It's distracting. The primary focus on this is critiquing fiction. This is non-fiction so, ironically, you can't use the criteria that is spelled out in this series to critique this work like my sense of justice demands.
Here is an alternate criteria. As you read, think of the progression of the piece. If you can read it all the way through, the read is easy. For every time the reader has to stop, go back and examine the phrase, it's either a really good thing or a really bad thing. Those gotchas could be for a particularly nicely worded phrase or a particularly poorly worked passage. Either you confused the reader or the word was bad or the structure messed them up. Also bad is when the reader is tempted to skip off the page or read lightly so as to avoid the bumps. I found myself first getting stuck in places where the tangents and stuff were leaving me out on a branch, then I found myself skipping lightly from branch to branch, seeing the jokes but not the meaning and having to go back and read.
As a piece of non-fiction, funny is irrelevant. I write crazy stories here, mostly humor, but in my day job I write technical documentation for databases. In non-fiction it's all about clarity and readability.
I'm now killing my point, but I think you see what I'm saying. This is technically fine, but you have put things in that make it hard to read and distract the reader from your point.
I hope you find this helpful. I think this piece is informative and helpful for critters, but it could be much more readable. Looking forward to the reality crashing chapter.
Peace
-HI
Comment Written 21-Jan-2007
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2007
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This one of the three most helpful crits I have received for this chapter. It was the most difficult to write (unpleasant, really, to write) of all. I've taken your crit to heart, am pasting it onto word and printing it to help me on my next chapter. I'm hoping you will visit me for that one as well. By the way, each of the other two of the alluded to critters received a thumbs up. Here's yours. I'll let the three of you fight it out in the trenches.
Jay