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Viewing comments for Chapter 43 "butterfly lune"keep your hope alive....
54 total reviews
Comment from Frank Malley
Brevity makes Haiku tough, and lune (a new form to me) is actually briefer. I think that saying "a caterpillar / emerges/ beautiful flyer" as this lune does omits the detail that it is no longer a caterpillar when it flies. I think it would be better 'A caterpillar/is transformed/ beautiful flyer.' There are other ways to get a more complete result with the form, I think.
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reply by the author on 20-Jan-2022
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Brevity makes Haiku tough, and lune (a new form to me) is actually briefer. I think that saying "a caterpillar / emerges/ beautiful flyer" as this lune does omits the detail that it is no longer a caterpillar when it flies. I think it would be better 'A caterpillar/is transformed/ beautiful flyer.' There are other ways to get a more complete result with the form, I think.
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Comment Written 20-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2022
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thank you frank :)
Comment from Augie Medina
Perfect lune with a nature theme; the first two lines constitute the action and the third is the result. Very nice. A visual might enhance this piece?
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2022
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Perfect lune with a nature theme; the first two lines constitute the action and the third is the result. Very nice. A visual might enhance this piece?
Comment Written 20-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2022
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thank you augie :)
Comment from Theodore McDowell
A great poem for the lune contest. Thanks for the note on the structure of a lune poem. You have captured the essence of rebirth in this poem. I love the unique image of a beautiful flier.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2022
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A great poem for the lune contest. Thanks for the note on the structure of a lune poem. You have captured the essence of rebirth in this poem. I love the unique image of a beautiful flier.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2022
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thank you theodore :)
Comment from Laurie Holding
Well, this is just delivered with a graceful punch, isn't it? I love the way your second line unfolds and emphasizes the message of the piece. Good luck in the contest! The only thing I would change (and I hate it when people tell me how to change my poems, so just walk away right now if you don't want to hear it) is that with so few lines and so few words, just an elegant number of punctuation marks might make this more than it already is. Just a cap on that A and a delicate little semi-colon after emerges might make a statement that stops the reader from moving on to the next entry. Good luck either way!
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reply by the author on 20-Jan-2022
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Well, this is just delivered with a graceful punch, isn't it? I love the way your second line unfolds and emphasizes the message of the piece. Good luck in the contest! The only thing I would change (and I hate it when people tell me how to change my poems, so just walk away right now if you don't want to hear it) is that with so few lines and so few words, just an elegant number of punctuation marks might make this more than it already is. Just a cap on that A and a delicate little semi-colon after emerges might make a statement that stops the reader from moving on to the next entry. Good luck either way!
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2022
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hmm interesting suggestion - especially the semicolon. will definitely think about it! thank you laurie :)