Betrayal
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Betrayal Chapter 1"In the title.
53 total reviews
Comment from Cindy Decker
Sandra, this is an excellent story I definitely want to read more of it. I like the descriptions and the action (most readers will have had a job interview or two).
It's a very nice story, Sandra!! Good luck in your contests!
Have a wonderful week.
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2020
  |
Sandra, this is an excellent story I definitely want to read more of it. I like the descriptions and the action (most readers will have had a job interview or two).
It's a very nice story, Sandra!! Good luck in your contests!
Have a wonderful week.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2020
-
Thank you so much for this lovely review, Cindy. I'm so pleased you enjoyed this first chapter! Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra x
-
Hugs 🤗!
Comment from Dorothy Farrell
Hi Sandra, this is a great start to your new story. You leave us wondering as usual but I have a sneaky feeling I know who is behind that door. Oh I hope I'm right - true romance, exciting. I must say you do not let the grass grow. Already you are on the way to another victory. You are relentless LOL! Love Dorothy xxx
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2020
|
Hi Sandra, this is a great start to your new story. You leave us wondering as usual but I have a sneaky feeling I know who is behind that door. Oh I hope I'm right - true romance, exciting. I must say you do not let the grass grow. Already you are on the way to another victory. You are relentless LOL! Love Dorothy xxx
Comment Written 27-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2020
-
It's the lock-down!! LOL. Thank you so much, Dorothy, I'm so pleased you liked the first chapter, it's always the hardest to write. Warm hugs, my friend, love Sandra xx
Comment from Tessa Kay
Don't these things always happen when you least need them? I felt for your character but had to smile at the mud on her nose. You captured her insecurity really well. I wouldn't be surprised if the guy in the car turns out to be her boss. Wouldn't that be the cherry on the cake? :))
A couple of things I noted:
You change to his point of view in the middle of the scene, but if you could leave the reader in hers, I think it would flow better. You can make her notice the same things from his body language.
Her only hope was the interviewer would believe her when she tries to explain. - when she'd try to explain.
-'Did you know you have mud on your nose?' The secretary said softly as she reached for the box of tissues on her desk. "Here, take one. - You mostly have single speech marks, but here they are double.
-Gratefully, taking a tissue, she wiped over her nose and the rest of her face. - the gerund makes the taking of the tissue and wiping the nose simultaneous, which can't be. So: Gratefully, she took a tissue and wiped...
to brush the mud off...She took the secretary's advice, slipped it off - dangling modifyer: here refers back to the mud, not the coat. advice, slipped the coat off, and folded...
How ridiculous I must have looked and sounded. - I think everywhere else you used the indirect form for the internalisations, so: how ridiculous she must have sounded. Oh, how she wished...
by fostering, told her about the multi-billion- -pound - had told her...
she looked the company up on Google - she had looked the company...
I hope that doesn't mean what I think it does - she hoped it didn't mean what she thought it did. She wouldn't be at all happy about leaving her designs her. Not after what had been happening to hers... - there's a mix of direct and indirect thought in the story. Maybe do one or the other?
The decision can only go one of two ways - could only go...
I feel a complicated romance coming on. :)
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2020
|
Don't these things always happen when you least need them? I felt for your character but had to smile at the mud on her nose. You captured her insecurity really well. I wouldn't be surprised if the guy in the car turns out to be her boss. Wouldn't that be the cherry on the cake? :))
A couple of things I noted:
You change to his point of view in the middle of the scene, but if you could leave the reader in hers, I think it would flow better. You can make her notice the same things from his body language.
Her only hope was the interviewer would believe her when she tries to explain. - when she'd try to explain.
-'Did you know you have mud on your nose?' The secretary said softly as she reached for the box of tissues on her desk. "Here, take one. - You mostly have single speech marks, but here they are double.
-Gratefully, taking a tissue, she wiped over her nose and the rest of her face. - the gerund makes the taking of the tissue and wiping the nose simultaneous, which can't be. So: Gratefully, she took a tissue and wiped...
to brush the mud off...She took the secretary's advice, slipped it off - dangling modifyer: here refers back to the mud, not the coat. advice, slipped the coat off, and folded...
How ridiculous I must have looked and sounded. - I think everywhere else you used the indirect form for the internalisations, so: how ridiculous she must have sounded. Oh, how she wished...
by fostering, told her about the multi-billion- -pound - had told her...
she looked the company up on Google - she had looked the company...
I hope that doesn't mean what I think it does - she hoped it didn't mean what she thought it did. She wouldn't be at all happy about leaving her designs her. Not after what had been happening to hers... - there's a mix of direct and indirect thought in the story. Maybe do one or the other?
The decision can only go one of two ways - could only go...
I feel a complicated romance coming on. :)
Comment Written 27-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2020
-
Dear Tessa, thank you so very much for all this editing! When I copied and pasted it over, I forgot it doesn't keep the italics in for thoughts. That made it read differently than it was meant to be. I have been through all the corrections and I can't thank you enough for all your help. Thank you! I hope to see you again! :)) Sandra xx
-
You're very welcome. 😊
Comment from Ulla
Hi Sandra, this an exciting new start to a new novel. You never cease to surprise me. A bad start to what should have been a great start. Now I have a feeling that the man who ruined her coat will be the interviewer. We'll see.
Just one minor thing: Her only hope was the interviewer would believe her when she tries to explain. = Her only hope . . . when she tried to explain
Looking forward to what's happening next. Well done, my friend. Ulla xxx
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2020
 |
Hi Sandra, this an exciting new start to a new novel. You never cease to surprise me. A bad start to what should have been a great start. Now I have a feeling that the man who ruined her coat will be the interviewer. We'll see.
Just one minor thing: Her only hope was the interviewer would believe her when she tries to explain. = Her only hope . . . when she tried to explain
Looking forward to what's happening next. Well done, my friend. Ulla xxx
Comment Written 27-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2020
-
Thank you so much, Ulla, for the golden star and the lovely review. I'm so pleased you enjoyed the start of my new novel. Thanks for pointing out the nit!! Warm hugs, my friend. Sandra xx
Comment from barbara.wilkey
And she will interview with the person who splattered mud all over her. This should be very interesting and I can see a fun romance on the horizon. I am loving this story, already.
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2020
|
And she will interview with the person who splattered mud all over her. This should be very interesting and I can see a fun romance on the horizon. I am loving this story, already.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2020
-
Aw, thank you, Barbara! You have just made my whole day. I'm so pleased you enjoyed reading it. Thank you so much for the six lovely stars, my friend. Warm hugs. Sandra xx
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
This is a wonderful chapter, and I am already caught up in it. The characters are believable and the conversations are real and natural. I can hardly wait until the next posting!
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2020
|
This is a wonderful chapter, and I am already caught up in it. The characters are believable and the conversations are real and natural. I can hardly wait until the next posting!
Comment Written 27-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2020
-
Thank you so much, Rebecca. You have cheered me up no end! I'm so pleased you enjoyed it. Warm hugs, my friend. xxx Sandra
-
You're always welcome!
Comment from robyn corum
Sandra,
unsuccessfully, to brush the mud off. All she managed
--> off her coat - not her nose
Well, this chapter is fine - just as expected - but I want more info. PM me with what happened, please. I am frustrated. I didn't LIKE the contents of the first piece -but I recognize that it happens and you've got it out of the way. Help?
******************************************
Oh, wow. This is a departure. And I was not expecting that opening - for sure. This makes me think you have set poor Grant up to be even more wary and untrusting in the love lane. Curiouser and Curiouser.
Lovely beginning!
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2020
|
Sandra,
unsuccessfully, to brush the mud off. All she managed
--> off her coat - not her nose
Well, this chapter is fine - just as expected - but I want more info. PM me with what happened, please. I am frustrated. I didn't LIKE the contents of the first piece -but I recognize that it happens and you've got it out of the way. Help?
******************************************
Oh, wow. This is a departure. And I was not expecting that opening - for sure. This makes me think you have set poor Grant up to be even more wary and untrusting in the love lane. Curiouser and Curiouser.
Lovely beginning!
Comment Written 27-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2020
-
You have it absolutely right, Robyn. I've sent you a PM, but what you have read into this prologue was what I wanted. Thank you, my friend. :) Sandra xx
Comment from Pantygynt
You started over again so I will too.
This is a much better way of kicking off. Pictures are painted and, as a result we learn a great deal about Tania as a result of being shown what happened to her. As is the way with these things she will go into the interview, Grant will be on the panel and Tania will get the job. The point is you leave us wanting to read about it in the next chapter.
I will definitely be back next time. Had this been a first look at it I would have given it a six star grade but FS won't let me do that - quite rightly, so it will have to be a five, but this is properly on the launching pad now.
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2020
|
You started over again so I will too.
This is a much better way of kicking off. Pictures are painted and, as a result we learn a great deal about Tania as a result of being shown what happened to her. As is the way with these things she will go into the interview, Grant will be on the panel and Tania will get the job. The point is you leave us wanting to read about it in the next chapter.
I will definitely be back next time. Had this been a first look at it I would have given it a six star grade but FS won't let me do that - quite rightly, so it will have to be a five, but this is properly on the launching pad now.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2020
-
Thank you, Jim, I feel so much better now. The fact you thought it worth six stars is all that matters. You have sussed out small part of the next one, but got the important bit wrong. :)) Thanks for doing this for me. I do really appreciate it. xxx
-
I never was any good at guessing games.
-
Likewise!
Comment from Mistydawn
This is a great start to a very promising story. It's a very well-written chapter, interesting start to finish. It grabbed my attention in the beginning, held it to the end. Your characters, their actions, the dialogue seems real, believable. I look forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2020
|
This is a great start to a very promising story. It's a very well-written chapter, interesting start to finish. It grabbed my attention in the beginning, held it to the end. Your characters, their actions, the dialogue seems real, believable. I look forward to reading more.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2020
-
Thank you so much, Misty. I'm so pleased you enjoyed reading this. Thank you for those shiny stars, my friend. Warm hugs. Sandra xxx
Comment from amada
your story intrigued me, and delighted me. I liked the most the descriptions of the yatch, it movements, the sea air, and all the amenities, including the whisky. I don't feel that great about the character of the protagonists.
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2020
|
your story intrigued me, and delighted me. I liked the most the descriptions of the yatch, it movements, the sea air, and all the amenities, including the whisky. I don't feel that great about the character of the protagonists.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2020
-
Thank you so much for your honest review, Amada, you won't be seeing the women again. This leads into a different story, but needed to be told so as reasons will be understood. I hope you come along and see what I mean. Warm hugs, my friend. Sandra x
-
I am lookig forward for the next chapter, dear friend.