Renewal
the sparrow51 total reviews
Comment from Mrs. KT
Hello victor!
A very moving poetic offering. I enjoyed its simplicity and paucity of words.
Just two thoughts to consider for editing:
"why's" = whys
And the last stanza:
What if we all could just...
innocence, and grin,
and fly again? = innocence = noun / not parallel with verbs grin and fly. Suggest a different word to keep ending parallel.
Hope I have helped and not offended.
I enjoyed your poem very much.
diane
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2019
Hello victor!
A very moving poetic offering. I enjoyed its simplicity and paucity of words.
Just two thoughts to consider for editing:
"why's" = whys
And the last stanza:
What if we all could just...
innocence, and grin,
and fly again? = innocence = noun / not parallel with verbs grin and fly. Suggest a different word to keep ending parallel.
Hope I have helped and not offended.
I enjoyed your poem very much.
diane
Comment Written 24-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2019
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I actually am glad you brought up "whys." For some reason I had come to think plurals such as whys, required an apostrophe, since they don't change into "whies," And, it disagrees with my basic grammatical training of the apostrophe being used when letters are missing. A contraction, if U will. But, whys just didn't look right to me, sorry. Now, as to nouns and verbs, etc. I must invoke poetic license. It reads like I want it to. And does not, and will not, if I keep all verbs or all nouns. A "grin" is a noun. "To grin," is not. So what?
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Poetic license it is...
No need to take offense.
Just here to help...
Take Care,
diane
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My dear, if I conveyed offense, I apologize. I was just jousting with an agile opponent. Doug
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No worries.
Have a wonderful evening!
diane
Comment from Ross E Silke
I really like your thoughts in this poem. It flows well and I like how you tightened each line. I love the image of the sparrow presented in the poem and how you tied it into a wonderful meaning behind the verses. A very refreshing read and inspirational. I look forward to reading more works from you.
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2019
I really like your thoughts in this poem. It flows well and I like how you tightened each line. I love the image of the sparrow presented in the poem and how you tied it into a wonderful meaning behind the verses. A very refreshing read and inspirational. I look forward to reading more works from you.
Comment Written 24-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2019
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Thank you very much.
Comment from Stephanie Launiu
If I were a sparrow. What a simple poem with an important and melancholy message. Renewal is needed by all of us, and being able to take to the sky and flutter away for a time would be ideal. Your free-style poem is arranged in an interesting pattern and meter. Good job.
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2019
If I were a sparrow. What a simple poem with an important and melancholy message. Renewal is needed by all of us, and being able to take to the sky and flutter away for a time would be ideal. Your free-style poem is arranged in an interesting pattern and meter. Good job.
Comment Written 24-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2019
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Thank you.
Comment from dragonpoet
We all wish for the innocence of youth. It always seems like it was so easy then. Maybe for us, as kids. But the adults probably felt the same way as we do now.
It is sad how violent and pain wracked the world is becoming.
Keep writing
Joan
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2019
We all wish for the innocence of youth. It always seems like it was so easy then. Maybe for us, as kids. But the adults probably felt the same way as we do now.
It is sad how violent and pain wracked the world is becoming.
Keep writing
Joan
Comment Written 24-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2019
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Thank you.
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You're most kindly welcome, Victor. I think you are right about adults feeling the same way in and decade.
Joan
Comment from royowen
Yes,mis think with great regret the times my magnificent face has been carved up by very inferior photography. They could have had a masterpiece of beauty but alas.... Well done, one doesn't see many sparrows around these days, nor swallows., beautifully done, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2019
Yes,mis think with great regret the times my magnificent face has been carved up by very inferior photography. They could have had a masterpiece of beauty but alas.... Well done, one doesn't see many sparrows around these days, nor swallows., beautifully done, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 24-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2019
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How very nice of you, Roy.
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Well done
Comment from karenina
Wistful and winsome and whispered childlike abandon to that most glorious of times when we were brand new and untainted my the stains of life--fresh from God and newly blossoming... There are moments we find a glimpse of that throughout our lifetime... THAT is prayer in action! Loved this--Karenina
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2019
Wistful and winsome and whispered childlike abandon to that most glorious of times when we were brand new and untainted my the stains of life--fresh from God and newly blossoming... There are moments we find a glimpse of that throughout our lifetime... THAT is prayer in action! Loved this--Karenina
Comment Written 24-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2019
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Absolutely. Thank you for resonating. What frequency works for you? LOL
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For me? When I give up trying to "tune in" and trust that God knows EXACTLY how to reach me--I am at my most blessed! Smiles---Karenina
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I enjoyed reading your poem. Your poem flowed smoothly and gives everyone who reads hope. I know I wish I could restart some things. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2019
I enjoyed reading your poem. Your poem flowed smoothly and gives everyone who reads hope. I know I wish I could restart some things. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 24-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2019
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We all wish this Barbara. Thank you for following me.
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written free verse poem about renewal of our souls and minds. Every morning when I hear the birds chirp in the garden joyfully despite what the weather and temperatures are they also seems happy and then we realize we have no reason to not be renewed every morning.
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2019
A very well-written free verse poem about renewal of our souls and minds. Every morning when I hear the birds chirp in the garden joyfully despite what the weather and temperatures are they also seems happy and then we realize we have no reason to not be renewed every morning.
Comment Written 24-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2019
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Exacery. (lol) Thank you.
Comment from Wabigoon
Victor--
I like this. I like how you write. But, who are you asking to "make you a sparrow." Is that "make you into one?" or just make a sparrow. Into one is my guess. Peculiar request. How much would be lost? I guess, the grief, the tears? Curious poem and request.
Best
Wabigoon/Jeff
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2019
Victor--
I like this. I like how you write. But, who are you asking to "make you a sparrow." Is that "make you into one?" or just make a sparrow. Into one is my guess. Peculiar request. How much would be lost? I guess, the grief, the tears? Curious poem and request.
Best
Wabigoon/Jeff
Comment Written 24-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2019
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Smile. Yes, a curious request. Just a metaphor for-take my troubles away. Let me live again. Thank you, as always, Jeff.
Comment from Thomas Bowling
Like Jenny in Forest Gump sometimes we think that the ability to fly away would solve all our problems. Unfortunately, this is not usually the case. We have to stay and face them.
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reply by the author on 24-Feb-2019
Like Jenny in Forest Gump sometimes we think that the ability to fly away would solve all our problems. Unfortunately, this is not usually the case. We have to stay and face them.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2019
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Yes, of course, but that is back to the left brain and Monday morning. Smile. Thank you, Thom.