Comment from crybry67

Excellent

Very good story, well told. I know what its like to lose a child in a store ( she hid in middle of circular clothes rack) but with your story I experienced it from another perspective.

 Comment Written 01-Oct-2016

---

reply by the author on 02-Oct-2016

Yes, children hide in those circular clothes racks, it kinda like a fort to them. A safe place. Thank you so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)

Comment from Heidi M

Excellent

It's scary to get lost in a store, especially when you think someone bad is after you and you can't find your mom.
You set the scene by letting the reader know how busy the store and parking lot were. That makes an ideal situation for a child to get lost.
I could see the five-year old hiding under a rack of clothing.

 Comment Written 01-Oct-2016

---

reply by the author on 01-Oct-2016

Thank you so much, Heidi M, for taking time to read my story. Yes, department stores are dangerous places for children, and they can really be seriously traumatized in a few minutes of being lost. Your kind words and generous words are greatly appreciated. :-)

Comment from clsandau

Excellent

Very nicely done. I liked how you did in the voice of the little boy. What a great ending - took me by surprise, but a happy one. Your story moved along quickly and smoothly and was a very enjoyable read. Good luck in the contest. Carol

 Comment Written 01-Oct-2016

---

reply by the author on 01-Oct-2016

Thank you so much, Carol, for taking time to read my story. Yes, I guess we have all had a similar experience at some time in life and it can be very traumatic. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)

Comment from LaRosa

Excellent

I can picture, smell, feel all that WalMart is! I feel the insecurity of being in the middle of racing parking lot cars. Story line tension begins at the beginning and the distracted 5 year old boy mind is more than realistic for anyone who's been a 5 year old child. You know something has to happen and the reader truly feels the child's fear. Flow of action? Compelling. Thank God for a humorous ending, it could have been so different. Good write for me!

 Comment Written 01-Oct-2016

---

reply by the author on 01-Oct-2016

Yes, department stores are very dangerous places and something terrible can happen to children in seconds. Thanks for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)

Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)

Excellent

Excellent story, my friend. One spag:

But, mom, I'm five-years old (capitalize Mom as being used as a name)

My son used to hide in the racks of clothes and scare me to death thinking he had been kidnapped. Best wishes in the contest, my friend~Debbie

 Comment Written 01-Oct-2016

---

reply by the author on 01-Oct-2016

Yes, I think all kids like to hide in the clothes racks, or at least I always did. Thank you so much, Debbie, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words, suggestion, and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)

Comment from oliver818

Excellent

Good story. You really captured the horrible feeling of being a lost kid. I remember it so well. It's terrifying. Thanks for sharing and best of luck with the competition

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 01-Oct-2016

---

reply by the author on 01-Oct-2016

Thank you so much, Oliver818, for taking time to read my story. Yes, I think all of us have felt that fear of being lost a time or two in life, and it isn't pleasant. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)