Falling Off The Edge
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "Regret"A true story
65 total reviews
Comment from Scarbrems
Well, damn, I wantto know what he did. I also want him to tell her why he 'disappeared'. And that is great, because it means you've written, in such a short piece, characters that readers care about, and that's a skill.
However, I feel teased. C'mon, tell me you'll have some answers for me, and do another piece on these two.
reply by the author on 09-May-2016
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Well, damn, I wantto know what he did. I also want him to tell her why he 'disappeared'. And that is great, because it means you've written, in such a short piece, characters that readers care about, and that's a skill.
However, I feel teased. C'mon, tell me you'll have some answers for me, and do another piece on these two.
Comment Written 08-May-2016
reply by the author on 09-May-2016
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Thank you so much and for your great compliment. I'm thrilled. I think I will continue the story. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from MelB
Hi Ulla, I enjoyed reading this. It's well written. Sometimes regret can last a lifetime. Too bad he turned away from her twice.
reply by the author on 09-May-2016
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Hi Ulla, I enjoyed reading this. It's well written. Sometimes regret can last a lifetime. Too bad he turned away from her twice.
Comment Written 08-May-2016
reply by the author on 09-May-2016
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Hi Melissa, thanks a lot for this and your great comments. All the best. Ulla:)))
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You're welcome. Same to you.
Comment from mfowler
Your flash fiction story of unfulfilled romance finishes with an authentic human dilemma. Thomas is clearly ashamed and feeling unworthy of Sue's attention. She a beautiful dream from another time which he's manage to ruin. When he turns away, seemingly disinterested in rebuilding a relationship, we feel the disconnect and the probable pain he'd feel. A well told story, entertaining - and one for lovers of romance.
One suggestion:
What met his eyes was a bewildered expression from those beautiful eyes...this clause is clunky because of the mention of eyes twice in regard to different characters. May I suggest: What met his (gaze) was a bewildered expression from those beautiful eyes
reply by the author on 09-May-2016
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Your flash fiction story of unfulfilled romance finishes with an authentic human dilemma. Thomas is clearly ashamed and feeling unworthy of Sue's attention. She a beautiful dream from another time which he's manage to ruin. When he turns away, seemingly disinterested in rebuilding a relationship, we feel the disconnect and the probable pain he'd feel. A well told story, entertaining - and one for lovers of romance.
One suggestion:
What met his eyes was a bewildered expression from those beautiful eyes...this clause is clunky because of the mention of eyes twice in regard to different characters. May I suggest: What met his (gaze) was a bewildered expression from those beautiful eyes
Comment Written 07-May-2016
reply by the author on 09-May-2016
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Thanks very much, for a great review. I'm glad you liked it. I will look into your suggestion. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Ulla. I am up on Mackinaw Island in Michigan at the Grand Hotrl. (google it) LOL..Meanwhile I have tried to squeeze in some time and as usual I lov eyoyr imagery: Like:
"And now, here he was appearing from nowhere after all that time. There was no mistaking the wide set eyes, the square stubborn chin, and the dark hair; unruly as ever. How thin he'd become though. The sudden sadness that washed over her sent a sharp stab through her chest making her gasp for air."
Bravo! Bob
reply by the author on 08-May-2016
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Hi, Ulla. I am up on Mackinaw Island in Michigan at the Grand Hotrl. (google it) LOL..Meanwhile I have tried to squeeze in some time and as usual I lov eyoyr imagery: Like:
"And now, here he was appearing from nowhere after all that time. There was no mistaking the wide set eyes, the square stubborn chin, and the dark hair; unruly as ever. How thin he'd become though. The sudden sadness that washed over her sent a sharp stab through her chest making her gasp for air."
Bravo! Bob
Comment Written 07-May-2016
reply by the author on 08-May-2016
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Hi Bob, Oh thanks a lot for this great review and the stars. It means so much to me, as you know. I will look up the place where you are right now. I've taken a note. All the best. Ulla:)))
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Did you lokk it up, Ulla? Great palce ...treated like royalty all the time. Bob
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Hi Bob, I did look it up, and it looks absolutely great. Beautiful place. I can understand that you enjoyed that. I've been to Michigan but never there of course. Can I ask, where you live in the States? I mean what State. Just curious. All the best. Ulla:)))
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Hi, Ulla. Yes, I live in Michigan. The wone in the northern part chaped like a glove of mitten. LOL
Comment from Dawn Munro
Ulla, this was beautifully written, but I don't understand one part of the plot - why would Thomas be the one to turn away when she was the one who'd been hurt when he suddenly disappeared from her life with no explanation? Was it because he didn't want to tell her he'd been to prison? He was hiding his tears? It just seems strange - one would think he would jump at the chance to be with her again.
Otherwise, you've done it again - the story is poignant, descriptive, and hooks the reader from the first word to the last.
reply by the author on 09-May-2016
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Ulla, this was beautifully written, but I don't understand one part of the plot - why would Thomas be the one to turn away when she was the one who'd been hurt when he suddenly disappeared from her life with no explanation? Was it because he didn't want to tell her he'd been to prison? He was hiding his tears? It just seems strange - one would think he would jump at the chance to be with her again.
Otherwise, you've done it again - the story is poignant, descriptive, and hooks the reader from the first word to the last.
Comment Written 07-May-2016
reply by the author on 09-May-2016
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Hi Dawn, this is a great review. Well he basically walks away because he's too ashamed of what he's done in the past which sent him to jail. He can't face to tell her the truth so he walks away, but it brakes his heart to do so, and of course hers as well. She is bewildered. I have been asked by so many to continue this story and I've decided that I'll try to do that. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
A well written story, but so sad for both parties involved. He with what he had done and her never knowing what went wrong. Well-penned, my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 09-May-2016
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A well written story, but so sad for both parties involved. He with what he had done and her never knowing what went wrong. Well-penned, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 07-May-2016
reply by the author on 09-May-2016
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Thank you so much, Debbie, for this great review. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from CDyer
Dang! I missed your first declaration that this was a very short story! Even so, you drew me into the characters and their story! Very nicely done.
reply by the author on 09-May-2016
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Dang! I missed your first declaration that this was a very short story! Even so, you drew me into the characters and their story! Very nicely done.
Comment Written 07-May-2016
reply by the author on 09-May-2016
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Thank you so much for the great review. I'm so pleased that you liked it. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from Ric Myworld
This is one of those stories that used so few words to say so much.It's sad to think, but things like this happen every day, with so many people never conjuring up the nerve to explain. Just slipping away into the shadows, heartbroken and alone. :-)
reply by the author on 09-May-2016
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This is one of those stories that used so few words to say so much.It's sad to think, but things like this happen every day, with so many people never conjuring up the nerve to explain. Just slipping away into the shadows, heartbroken and alone. :-)
Comment Written 07-May-2016
reply by the author on 09-May-2016
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Hi Ric, Thank you so much for a great review. You've got it in one. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Ulla
= A really good short story.
= However, you may want to give the reader a tidbit of why he's feeling regret.
= It's good to build the story up for your reader, but you need to reward them a little bit too. (*_*)
<> You need to separate Sue's and Thomas' pov's with a break
= What a lovely surprise! Where ... where on earth have you been all this time?"
( * * * ) OR ( ~::~ ) OR ( /// )
= Thomas stopped in his track, and gazed down at her lovely, innocent face,
<> If you are going to repeat words back to back, then use ellipses. It shows a natural pause, and makes the repetitiveness make sense.
= And then ... then one day, he just disappeared, and she never saw nor heard from him again.
<> Add (s)
= Thomas stopped in his track(s), and gazed
<> I would delete repetitive: face
<> Delete comma before that.
= and gazed down at her lovely, innocent face[, a face] that hadn't changed
=::= A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside Down! =::=
Jacqueline M Franklin (*_*)
=::= Feel free to visit my profile on Amazon.com =::=
amazon.com/author/jacquelinefranklin
reply by the author on 09-May-2016
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Hi, Ulla
= A really good short story.
= However, you may want to give the reader a tidbit of why he's feeling regret.
= It's good to build the story up for your reader, but you need to reward them a little bit too. (*_*)
<> You need to separate Sue's and Thomas' pov's with a break
= What a lovely surprise! Where ... where on earth have you been all this time?"
( * * * ) OR ( ~::~ ) OR ( /// )
= Thomas stopped in his track, and gazed down at her lovely, innocent face,
<> If you are going to repeat words back to back, then use ellipses. It shows a natural pause, and makes the repetitiveness make sense.
= And then ... then one day, he just disappeared, and she never saw nor heard from him again.
<> Add (s)
= Thomas stopped in his track(s), and gazed
<> I would delete repetitive: face
<> Delete comma before that.
= and gazed down at her lovely, innocent face[, a face] that hadn't changed
=::= A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside Down! =::=
Jacqueline M Franklin (*_*)
=::= Feel free to visit my profile on Amazon.com =::=
amazon.com/author/jacquelinefranklin
Comment Written 07-May-2016
reply by the author on 09-May-2016
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Hi Jax, thank you so much and I have made corrections. I'm glad you liked this little tale. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from fimarie78
I really enjoyed reading this. You had me hooked from the beginning. Now, I need to know why was in jail, so I will definitely read on.
Your fresh, flowing writing style makes it easy to read and the dialogue is well written.
reply by the author on 09-May-2016
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I really enjoyed reading this. You had me hooked from the beginning. Now, I need to know why was in jail, so I will definitely read on.
Your fresh, flowing writing style makes it easy to read and the dialogue is well written.
Comment Written 07-May-2016
reply by the author on 09-May-2016
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Thank you so much. I'm so glad you liked it. All the best. Ulla:))
