Collision Course
two men on a desperate mission49 total reviews
Comment from Chris Tee
Wow! This is indeed an absolutely marvelous write here Mike. Your descriptive words made it feel so real. The twist in the tale at the end very interesting. Great job!
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2012
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Wow! This is indeed an absolutely marvelous write here Mike. Your descriptive words made it feel so real. The twist in the tale at the end very interesting. Great job!
Comment Written 05-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2012
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Thank you, Chris! This was a bit of a last minute effort, as I didn't have any ideas for the set image until yesterday afternoon. Now I'm glad I took the time :-).
Mike
Comment from Gladness
I enjoyed it very much. It was entertaining, suspenseful, and had a great story line. The dialog flowed well and naturally and you used the picture information completely. The only thing more I could ask for is an ending. Was he successful? We hope so, but he might bleed to death and lose conciseness before figuring out anything. I kept hoping for a surprise person to show up who still lived there and would help save the day. As is, I do like the "I can try." determination Chancer shows. Thanks for a good read.
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2012
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I enjoyed it very much. It was entertaining, suspenseful, and had a great story line. The dialog flowed well and naturally and you used the picture information completely. The only thing more I could ask for is an ending. Was he successful? We hope so, but he might bleed to death and lose conciseness before figuring out anything. I kept hoping for a surprise person to show up who still lived there and would help save the day. As is, I do like the "I can try." determination Chancer shows. Thanks for a good read.
Comment Written 05-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2012
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Thank you, Glad :-). I did consider writing a full ending, but it felt wrong. The plot and character development had effectively finished and it would have been tacked on. I thought I'd leave readers to decide whether Chancer was successful.
I'm so happy you liked it!
Mike
Comment from Adri7enne
"May as well take a front row seat as the Errant Moon tore the life from their planet." You haven't used the term 'Errant Moon" before and I think you shouldn't capitalize it. You haven't established that it was its given name.
"HIS expression didn't change..." Use the name, here. I became confused about who was speaking.
Not much of a reward for following through to the end. You leave little hope of salvation. So bleak.
It doesn't have to be that way. Look at Australia which started as a prison colony. It's a pretty darn cool place to live now.
LOL! Your story, Mike - well written. Very compelling in places (mostly). You should do well in the contest.
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2012
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"May as well take a front row seat as the Errant Moon tore the life from their planet." You haven't used the term 'Errant Moon" before and I think you shouldn't capitalize it. You haven't established that it was its given name.
"HIS expression didn't change..." Use the name, here. I became confused about who was speaking.
Not much of a reward for following through to the end. You leave little hope of salvation. So bleak.
It doesn't have to be that way. Look at Australia which started as a prison colony. It's a pretty darn cool place to live now.
LOL! Your story, Mike - well written. Very compelling in places (mostly). You should do well in the contest.
Comment Written 05-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2012
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lol, thanks, Adrienne :-). I'm with you on the social question - descendants of criminals are their own people. It felt like a reasonably emotive issue to put in the story though. I think the ending here is hopeful as well as bleak - I wanted readers to decide if Chancer would succeed.
Thanks so much for the nits - I've made edits based on both of them. Very much appreciated.
Mike
Comment from TammyGail
You would enter this contest Mike :)
Damn it ... you just made me lie
already thinking i found one to vote for
not now .. excellent work once again
never do you bring scraps to the table
got my vote if its one i can vote for
best of luck in the contest
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2012
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You would enter this contest Mike :)
Damn it ... you just made me lie
already thinking i found one to vote for
not now .. excellent work once again
never do you bring scraps to the table
got my vote if its one i can vote for
best of luck in the contest
Comment Written 05-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2012
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Thank you, Tammy :-). I hadn't had any ideas for the piccy until this hit me yesterday afternoon. I'm glad I went for it!
Mike
Comment from jaydub99
Mike this intrigued the hell out of me. Your plot is detailed, funny, interesting and fits the photos perfectly. You didn't just drop your characters off you weaved them into this situation. The initial banter between the two is convincing and fun. Your discussion of the back story was interesting and very science fiction. You have the beginning of a great science fiction novel here. I saw this prompt and wondered what people would do with it. You knocked it out of the park my friend.
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2012
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Mike this intrigued the hell out of me. Your plot is detailed, funny, interesting and fits the photos perfectly. You didn't just drop your characters off you weaved them into this situation. The initial banter between the two is convincing and fun. Your discussion of the back story was interesting and very science fiction. You have the beginning of a great science fiction novel here. I saw this prompt and wondered what people would do with it. You knocked it out of the park my friend.
Comment Written 05-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2012
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Thanks so much, Jay! I enjoyed writing this as a last minutes rush - often the best way, I find. Really glad you enjoyed it.
Mike
Comment from mauial
Quite and imaginative story, but this line "You have the personality of a halibut, you know that?" seem out of place since I think there would be none there. Loved it otherwise.
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2012
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Quite and imaginative story, but this line "You have the personality of a halibut, you know that?" seem out of place since I think there would be none there. Loved it otherwise.
Comment Written 05-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2012
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I thought they might have Halibut, if the ship left with live stock. Although, if it caused a pause, it may be worth changing. Thanks for the help!
Mike
Comment from adewpearl
cask-conditioned - add hyphen
love the alliteration and great verbs
Excellent dialogue that conveys the strong emotions of the characters
vivid description of setting
you work back story in well
Great action, great emotion - you do know how to build tension well, my friend. :-) Good luck in the contest with a riveting story :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2012
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cask-conditioned - add hyphen
love the alliteration and great verbs
Excellent dialogue that conveys the strong emotions of the characters
vivid description of setting
you work back story in well
Great action, great emotion - you do know how to build tension well, my friend. :-) Good luck in the contest with a riveting story :-) Brooke
Comment Written 05-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2012
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Thanks so much, Brooke! As is so often the case with me, I decided late to enter the contest, but I'm really glad I did :-)
Mike
Comment from rama devi
OH great---ERRANT MOON...that's clever. Wish I'd thought of it.
Superb alliteration an consonance in your opening (it reads almost like poetry!):
This swamp smells worse than a cask conditioned curry fart." Chancer grimaced as his boot squelched into mud, sinking to calf depth. A bubble belched to the surface by his leg, echoing his comment audibly.
Awesome and creative descriptive narrative here--this paragraph alone inclines me toward a six
The swamp, a morass of rusty browns and blues, seethed and bubbled like a witch's cauldron before them. Shadows of trees lined the horizons, sentinels to the last gasps of humanity. They fought their way onwards. Chancer tried to ignore the ache in his thighs and a lethargy that slipped through his core like death's slow encroachment. They walked through humid air in an endless twilight - the local sun now cloaked by the moon they sought to stop.
WOW...that's superb writing. Very impressive and it better win the contest--it's better than my story. :) Every single sentence is nuanced and enriches the read in visuals, simile and tone.
You develop the characters and backstory seamlessly and fluidly. Excellent work. Well paced, too. Very interesting a techie and this Chaucer character--with the biting wit ...
Funny name--Chaucer. LOL
Witty line-
you have the personality of a halibut,
Excellent build up of tension and mystery...and good twist with the techie pulling a gun, suddenly.
More superb descriptive writing
Between the heartbeats pounding in his ears, there may have been a gunshot, but he kept running. Up the stairs, then up some more he went. His feet ached abominably and exhaustion threatened to trip him, but the end of the world is a powerful motivator.
well put-
Desh's expression looked apologetic - if apology came with a side dish of cruelty.
"running down my leg" LOL! Witty.
Brilliant twist in the plot and incredibly well conveyed here-
a fresh start where nobody started out wrong. It's also the most complex data gathering machine they could build, sending back readings from a distance never before reached, and evolutionary measurements of the populace. We're not just here to die, Chancer. We're the greatest experiment in history, about to become a footnote. It's the drug that matters, not the monkeys you kill along the way."
So well said-
He smiled, an expression that haunted rather than graced his face.
Great closing...he'll try even if he will die.
:-)) A rare six...so glad there were zero spag nits!
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2012
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OH great---ERRANT MOON...that's clever. Wish I'd thought of it.
Superb alliteration an consonance in your opening (it reads almost like poetry!):
This swamp smells worse than a cask conditioned curry fart." Chancer grimaced as his boot squelched into mud, sinking to calf depth. A bubble belched to the surface by his leg, echoing his comment audibly.
Awesome and creative descriptive narrative here--this paragraph alone inclines me toward a six
The swamp, a morass of rusty browns and blues, seethed and bubbled like a witch's cauldron before them. Shadows of trees lined the horizons, sentinels to the last gasps of humanity. They fought their way onwards. Chancer tried to ignore the ache in his thighs and a lethargy that slipped through his core like death's slow encroachment. They walked through humid air in an endless twilight - the local sun now cloaked by the moon they sought to stop.
WOW...that's superb writing. Very impressive and it better win the contest--it's better than my story. :) Every single sentence is nuanced and enriches the read in visuals, simile and tone.
You develop the characters and backstory seamlessly and fluidly. Excellent work. Well paced, too. Very interesting a techie and this Chaucer character--with the biting wit ...
Funny name--Chaucer. LOL
Witty line-
you have the personality of a halibut,
Excellent build up of tension and mystery...and good twist with the techie pulling a gun, suddenly.
More superb descriptive writing
Between the heartbeats pounding in his ears, there may have been a gunshot, but he kept running. Up the stairs, then up some more he went. His feet ached abominably and exhaustion threatened to trip him, but the end of the world is a powerful motivator.
well put-
Desh's expression looked apologetic - if apology came with a side dish of cruelty.
"running down my leg" LOL! Witty.
Brilliant twist in the plot and incredibly well conveyed here-
a fresh start where nobody started out wrong. It's also the most complex data gathering machine they could build, sending back readings from a distance never before reached, and evolutionary measurements of the populace. We're not just here to die, Chancer. We're the greatest experiment in history, about to become a footnote. It's the drug that matters, not the monkeys you kill along the way."
So well said-
He smiled, an expression that haunted rather than graced his face.
Great closing...he'll try even if he will die.
:-)) A rare six...so glad there were zero spag nits!
Love,
rd
Comment Written 05-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2012
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This is the kind of review I want to print out and place, framed, on the wall. I'm thrilled you enjoyed my story so much, rd, and your detailed encouragement is hugely appreciated. It was a very late decision to enter this contest, but one I'm very glad I made.
Mike
Comment from RaymondJohn
This reminds me of one of the original Star Trek episodes where Captain Kirk is an amnesia victim and has to try to save a small planet from collision with another. I was a bit surprised at the violence at the end, but it it's still a fine story. Best of luck in the contest. Ray.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2012
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This reminds me of one of the original Star Trek episodes where Captain Kirk is an amnesia victim and has to try to save a small planet from collision with another. I was a bit surprised at the violence at the end, but it it's still a fine story. Best of luck in the contest. Ray.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2012
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Thanjs so much, Ray. I loved thise original episodes. So many great ideas were born on that show.
Mike