Comment from babylonia

Excellent

herb,
very interesting. lots a person can do with this. definitely sci-fi. what is a frigging sardine? LOL just kidding. lots of other questions though. imagery is excellent.
love,
barbara

 Comment Written 16-Feb-2012

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reply by the author on 16-Feb-2012

Thanks, Barbara. Nice to hear from you. Still need a good polish, but in a world unfamiliar there's bound to be questions don't you think, that's why you need a good back story and the whole show - tell balance. :)

reply by babylonia on 17-Feb-2012

i totally agree. one of my creative writing teachers said this is where you put in your ethel. you know ... the person the main character confides in. even though technically this person would already know this info, you let the main character tell the ethel so the rest of the readers can catch up. balance. it's all about balance. you want to leave the reader wanting more but not going "what the heck was that?" and worse ... "I can't believe i paid how much for this shit????" LOL
love,
barbara

reply by the author on 17-Feb-2012

I know. I'm just learning all this stuff, I've only been writing just over a year you know (it shows). I just finished editing that piece and am about to upload. :) I think its a lot clearer.

reply by babylonia on 17-Feb-2012

any time you have any questions, ask. me or some of the other old timers here will be happy to help. i will check it out. pm me when you get it uploaded as it probably won't send me a message.
love,
barbara

reply by the author on 17-Feb-2012

thanks very much, barbara. I do feel like I'm starting to improve. :)

Its uploaded. :)

reply by babylonia on 17-Feb-2012

okay, i'll check it out.

Comment from adewpearl

Excellent

A compelling, attention-grabbing opening paragraph that sets the stage of this world
all ready recycled by my workmates - already
The wall I thought were the unit - where the unit
forced to feel the victim's conscious - the victim's conscious doesn't sound right to me
You definitely have set up an intriguing situation and a fascinating main character Brooke

 Comment Written 15-Feb-2012

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reply by the author on 15-Feb-2012

thanks, Brooke. Always a pleasure.

Comment from keimosobie

Excellent

Very entertaining. A sardine is a fish by the way. What's with the woman at the end. What's with the entire thing? Left me with more questions than answers, but entertained I was.

 Comment Written 15-Feb-2012

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reply by the author on 15-Feb-2012

that's the point. the woman was the concious of his first victim downloaded into his sub-concious. I can see how that can be confusing. LOL. Thanks for looking.

Comment from ArtisALivalor

Excellent

This was very intriguing to me and I liked it for many reasons. The most obvious being your originality and creativity. It's a nice piece so keep up the good work.


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 Comment Written 15-Feb-2012

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reply by the author on 15-Feb-2012

Thanks for looking.