Ice Chips and Puckered Lips
My Father and Mother's Last Goodbye47 total reviews
Comment from Maureen's Pen
An emotional read but how marvelous it would be to end one life with such a love and friendship...
Wonderful.....memory for her to also have this wonderful piece of that memory.An amazing well written piece, great job!
Best of luck in the contest....
Maureen
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2011
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An emotional read but how marvelous it would be to end one life with such a love and friendship...
Wonderful.....memory for her to also have this wonderful piece of that memory.An amazing well written piece, great job!
Best of luck in the contest....
Maureen
Comment Written 09-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2011
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Thank you for your comments. I appreciate the read.
Comment from JimmytheStone
That was beautifully sad.
A Poem embroidered with pain, yet laced with hope.
You have a gift of telling a story in rhyme.
Thank you for sharing that with me.
Jimmy
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2011
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That was beautifully sad.
A Poem embroidered with pain, yet laced with hope.
You have a gift of telling a story in rhyme.
Thank you for sharing that with me.
Jimmy
Comment Written 09-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2011
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Jimmy, thank you for the encouraging review. I appreciate your comments.
Comment from tomprato
This poem deserves high praise. It speaks of a long and happy marriage, marred by cancer in the last days.
Tinged with love and sadness, the poem touches the heart of all those who know the bliss of marital love. Love is not the momentary passion of teenage infatuation; it is what grows over the years in loving wedlock, and tastes sweeter and richer in old age.
Some printing mistakes I see:
i. 'His head' in the last but one line...It should be his head.
ii. 'Til then you'll remain'....Why not write 'till then you'll remain'? Or 'in my heart you'll ever remain'?
iii. 'Wasn't supposed to fly'....Why not 'weren't supposed to fly'? Sounds better.
These are just suggestions to polish up your beautiful poem.
God bless.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2011
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This poem deserves high praise. It speaks of a long and happy marriage, marred by cancer in the last days.
Tinged with love and sadness, the poem touches the heart of all those who know the bliss of marital love. Love is not the momentary passion of teenage infatuation; it is what grows over the years in loving wedlock, and tastes sweeter and richer in old age.
Some printing mistakes I see:
i. 'His head' in the last but one line...It should be his head.
ii. 'Til then you'll remain'....Why not write 'till then you'll remain'? Or 'in my heart you'll ever remain'?
iii. 'Wasn't supposed to fly'....Why not 'weren't supposed to fly'? Sounds better.
These are just suggestions to polish up your beautiful poem.
God bless.
Comment Written 09-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2011
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Thank you for your review and comments. I appreciate your suggestions. Blessings, Katie
Comment from Mari_
Your entry in the Share A Story in A Poem is so sad. I am so sorry for your loss.
You have several lines that are just too wordy. If you pair down your wording and work on your meter, you could have an even more pointant piece of work.
"Death is not forever, it's just an end to the body's pain
We'll meet again at heaven's gate, in my heart 'Til then you'll remain."
So true. These beautiful words should of been the conclusion of your poem.
Blessings to you.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2011
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Your entry in the Share A Story in A Poem is so sad. I am so sorry for your loss.
You have several lines that are just too wordy. If you pair down your wording and work on your meter, you could have an even more pointant piece of work.
"Death is not forever, it's just an end to the body's pain
We'll meet again at heaven's gate, in my heart 'Til then you'll remain."
So true. These beautiful words should of been the conclusion of your poem.
Blessings to you.
Comment Written 09-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2011
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Thank you for your comments. I have changed the set up to help it read better.
Comment from Recovered
This was beautiful... beautifully written. the words just placed right. good rhyme and rhythm. I think it was a wonderful piece. so poignantly shared. and yes - death is only a short stop before they will be together again.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2011
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This was beautiful... beautifully written. the words just placed right. good rhyme and rhythm. I think it was a wonderful piece. so poignantly shared. and yes - death is only a short stop before they will be together again.
Comment Written 09-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2011
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Thank you very much for your generous stars. I appreciate the encouragement.
Comment from Fishcake
I loved the flow of the first verse best, that said the words were heartfelt and raw. It was worded with emotion, a memory that will last with you always. I liked the stanza at the end, it stood out. The rest of the verses, however, I found too wordy and long.
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reply by the author on 09-Jun-2011
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I loved the flow of the first verse best, that said the words were heartfelt and raw. It was worded with emotion, a memory that will last with you always. I liked the stanza at the end, it stood out. The rest of the verses, however, I found too wordy and long.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2011
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Thank you for your comments. I have changed it to help the flow.
Comment from WilliamDeen
Wonderful rhyme and a beautiful poem, yet sad too. This poem also had good flow to it. Thanks so much for sharing your poem , Pamela
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reply by the author on 09-Jun-2011
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Wonderful rhyme and a beautiful poem, yet sad too. This poem also had good flow to it. Thanks so much for sharing your poem , Pamela
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2011
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Thank you so much for your comments.