Short Stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 19 "The Killer Is --"A book of a mixture of stories
47 total reviews
Comment from c_lucas
This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for an easy read. There is very good imagery and descriptive scheme. Not into detective work.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2010
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This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for an easy read. There is very good imagery and descriptive scheme. Not into detective work.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2010
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Charlie,
Many are not into detective work it seems so I changed the last two lines of the story and the killer...Smiles, CArol
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I like the twist at the end. You're welcome, Carol. Charlie
Comment from misscookie
Oka, This sounds Like a Dragnet adventure, and I love that show
Ilove the artwork sme sext shoe huh?
Thought the story had a very interesting start.
A find no fault in your word....I'm teling the true, only the truth my friend.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2010
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Oka, This sounds Like a Dragnet adventure, and I love that show
Ilove the artwork sme sext shoe huh?
Thought the story had a very interesting start.
A find no fault in your word....I'm teling the true, only the truth my friend.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2010
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Cookie,
Glad you enjoyed the story...Smiles, Carol
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your welcome, have a nice day.
Comment from tonyafterdark
A very interesting suspense story !...My guess would be...The maid killed the senator...Adina was the maids daughter...Adina hooked up with the senator...argued with him in the room...left...and the maid , who was furious about the interaction between her daughter and the senator...killed the senator in a rage ! [latin temper !]...she knew about the whereabouts of the heels...just my guess !...This story was a lot of fun to read...few characters with obvious motives...but , I'm saying that the latin temper was the real motive !...Great story !...Tony.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2010
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A very interesting suspense story !...My guess would be...The maid killed the senator...Adina was the maids daughter...Adina hooked up with the senator...argued with him in the room...left...and the maid , who was furious about the interaction between her daughter and the senator...killed the senator in a rage ! [latin temper !]...she knew about the whereabouts of the heels...just my guess !...This story was a lot of fun to read...few characters with obvious motives...but , I'm saying that the latin temper was the real motive !...Great story !...Tony.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2010
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Tony...I like your ending but the rules said it had to be one of Fanstories top ten writers so that means it couldn't be the maid...I combined stories that belonged to each writer and made their characters part of the story...The killer was John...He stole the earring when he put her to bed so that it would look like she did it...The bikini bottom belonged to Gia...They were having an affair but neither of them wanted Senator to stop the money flow...Thanks for the great review....Carol
Comment from nora arjuna
hi Carol, i tried to figure out this contest, how it relates to FS top authors. another flash, though your category doesn't show as one. see some suggestions to get rid of excess words.
[The] quaint Bed and Breakfast [was] buzzing with police activity. [The] guests gathered in the parlor, awaiting Detective Reader.
Police buzzed the quaint Bed and Breakfast. Guests gathered in the parlor, awaiting Detective Reader.
Entering the room, he surveyed each [quest]. He recognized several authors from [the] society page and Gia Malone. - put this name first or else it sounds as if Gia Malone is a writers group or something.
He entered the room and surveyed each guest, recognizing Gia Malone and several authors from society page.
Gia's lower lip pouted [prettily] before she extended her delicate hands [toward the Detective.] "Do these look like hands that could murder someone?" - suggest delete those.
Ignoring her question, [he asked], "Why are you here this weekend?" - He ignored her question. "Why are you here this weekend?"
"And your husband?" Detective Reader watched her closely, [waiting for her answer]. - suggest delete.
Her blue eyes met his, refusing to turn away. - Her blue eyes met and held his.
Smiling, the Detective moved to the next chair where another gorgeous brunette nibbled on her lower lip. [She was obviously very nervous]. - suggest delete, telling. Also try to avoid starting a sentence with a gerund too often.
The Detective smiled and moved to the next chair where another gorgeous brunette nibbled on her lower lip.
Surprised, she nodded. - how is she surprised? Show, don't tell. Maybe - Eyes widened, she nodded.
"No, once we were in the elevator, I must have passed out. I can't recall anything until this morning."
I don't normally touch dialogues, as they are the spoken part. Anyway, how about this:
"No, I must have passed out while we were in the elevator. I can't recall anything until this morning."
"I'm here to attend the convention as well, and [I am] currently writing a book on Senator Malone's life and his many trysts." - I'm
[Several] gasps erupted in the room. - suggest delete.
His eyes meet Gia's, [and then] she looked away. - before
A uniformed officer entered [the room] and gave a sheet of paper to Detective Reader.
- suggest delete.
Adina gasped. "That's mine! I [was wearing] it last night." - wore
The detective jotted something down, [and] then continued. - delete
She shook her head[.] "I'm afraid my size eight won't fit in those."
He read the title, "Ten Days to Get to Know You" and the [authors'] names. - author's, unless there are more than one author.
again, best wishes to you. your ideas seem to flow non-stop.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2010
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hi Carol, i tried to figure out this contest, how it relates to FS top authors. another flash, though your category doesn't show as one. see some suggestions to get rid of excess words.
[The] quaint Bed and Breakfast [was] buzzing with police activity. [The] guests gathered in the parlor, awaiting Detective Reader.
Police buzzed the quaint Bed and Breakfast. Guests gathered in the parlor, awaiting Detective Reader.
Entering the room, he surveyed each [quest]. He recognized several authors from [the] society page and Gia Malone. - put this name first or else it sounds as if Gia Malone is a writers group or something.
He entered the room and surveyed each guest, recognizing Gia Malone and several authors from society page.
Gia's lower lip pouted [prettily] before she extended her delicate hands [toward the Detective.] "Do these look like hands that could murder someone?" - suggest delete those.
Ignoring her question, [he asked], "Why are you here this weekend?" - He ignored her question. "Why are you here this weekend?"
"And your husband?" Detective Reader watched her closely, [waiting for her answer]. - suggest delete.
Her blue eyes met his, refusing to turn away. - Her blue eyes met and held his.
Smiling, the Detective moved to the next chair where another gorgeous brunette nibbled on her lower lip. [She was obviously very nervous]. - suggest delete, telling. Also try to avoid starting a sentence with a gerund too often.
The Detective smiled and moved to the next chair where another gorgeous brunette nibbled on her lower lip.
Surprised, she nodded. - how is she surprised? Show, don't tell. Maybe - Eyes widened, she nodded.
"No, once we were in the elevator, I must have passed out. I can't recall anything until this morning."
I don't normally touch dialogues, as they are the spoken part. Anyway, how about this:
"No, I must have passed out while we were in the elevator. I can't recall anything until this morning."
"I'm here to attend the convention as well, and [I am] currently writing a book on Senator Malone's life and his many trysts." - I'm
[Several] gasps erupted in the room. - suggest delete.
His eyes meet Gia's, [and then] she looked away. - before
A uniformed officer entered [the room] and gave a sheet of paper to Detective Reader.
- suggest delete.
Adina gasped. "That's mine! I [was wearing] it last night." - wore
The detective jotted something down, [and] then continued. - delete
She shook her head[.] "I'm afraid my size eight won't fit in those."
He read the title, "Ten Days to Get to Know You" and the [authors'] names. - author's, unless there are more than one author.
again, best wishes to you. your ideas seem to flow non-stop.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2010
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arjuna,
That was really dumb of me...I was so involved with the story line using the top ten writers on fanstory and their characters that I forgot it was flash fiction...Thanks for bringing that big goof to my attention...Smiles, Carol
Comment from jadapenn
Dah! Now you want me to give you the answer? Where's this Delilah that she can't attend the conference herself???
Well written, Smiles. I loved all the intrigue. A real Agatha Christie piece. Your detective should have sported a moustache. lol. Best wishes for the contest. luv jada
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reply by the author on 02-Mar-2010
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Dah! Now you want me to give you the answer? Where's this Delilah that she can't attend the conference herself???
Well written, Smiles. I loved all the intrigue. A real Agatha Christie piece. Your detective should have sported a moustache. lol. Best wishes for the contest. luv jada
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2010
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jada,
Come on girl..The clues are there..You are suppose to figure out who the murder is....I took characters from each of the other author's stories and blended them together...Smiles, Carol
Comment from missy98writer
Carol,
Your story is an enjoyable read. I love your descriptive writing and the narrative you use. Gia has the flavor of one of Lola's character. I'm kind of stumped who killed the Senator Malone. Gia is the natural suspect, but I feel its either Adina or Ms. Cichella. Great name for the policeman, Detective Reader. You stories are wonderful and full of great twists and turns. An excellent story mystery story for the contest.
Melissa.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2010
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Carol,
Your story is an enjoyable read. I love your descriptive writing and the narrative you use. Gia has the flavor of one of Lola's character. I'm kind of stumped who killed the Senator Malone. Gia is the natural suspect, but I feel its either Adina or Ms. Cichella. Great name for the policeman, Detective Reader. You stories are wonderful and full of great twists and turns. An excellent story mystery story for the contest.
Melissa.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2010
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Melissa,
How did the ear ring get into the Senator's room if Adina was passed out? Who was having an affair with Gia? All the characters and evidence came from either John's. Lola's. or Apelle's stories...I just blended it together...Thanks for the read and review...Carol
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Was Adina having the affair with Gia? Or was it John? Now I'm confusing myself.
Melissa.
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John was having the affair with Gia...Both Lola wrote about it and Thesis wrote two purple proses about the affair. I just expanded on it...
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Well duh, its 1 Am here I'm getting tired, I now can see where you combined Theses two purple proses and Lola's story about Gia and her tramp of an husband Senator Malone. I'm still stumped the murderer and I read your great story twice.
Melissa.
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Melissa,
Changed Gia to Lola and added to sentences at the end of the story...I think you'll know the killer now. Smiles, CArol
Comment from stephonavich
No! I'm a dumb reader who doesn't want to think! JOHN did it! Absolutely fabulous! What a great mind tuner. Well written I really just enjoyed the dialogue and the tension you so masterfully weaved.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2010
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No! I'm a dumb reader who doesn't want to think! JOHN did it! Absolutely fabulous! What a great mind tuner. Well written I really just enjoyed the dialogue and the tension you so masterfully weaved.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2010
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stephonavich,
NOTHING DUMB ABOUT YOU MY FRIEND...You are the first one to guess the correct answer and you gave me an awesome review...Can't thank you enough! Smiles, Carol