Incident on a Lonely Highway
A woman on a lonely highway has a fender bender.43 total reviews
Comment from JudyE
Oh, well done! lol What a pity it's not an entry in some contest or other.
I picked up a few small points if that's okay:
I sigh as I think about to Tiburcio Vasquez and his bandits waiting there to swoop down on heavy-laden stagecoaches carrying gold from area mines south Los Angeles. - should the 'to' before 'Tiburcio' be deleted? And should it be 'south of Los Angeles'?
We take the off ramp and a few minutes later where inside Walmart's lobby. - should it be '... later we're inside...'?
"I know the name's mouthful," he says as if he reads minds. Blame my parents. They're from the old country and don't get it that nobody wants a name like Adonis anymore, even if the guy was some sort of Greek hero." - word missing 'name's a mouthful'; comma needed after 'says' and speech marks needed before 'Blame'
"A God," I say. Adonis was Aphrodite's lover." - speech marks needed before 'Adonis'
"I carry all that stuff together and another wallet but I cleaned out my glovebox and ---?" - did you mean '... in another wallet'
Hey I'm sorry I doubted you but... Well, sorry," - comma perhaps after 'Hey'
"Never mind the apology, let's go inside."
My house is a typical ranch-style with rose beds bordering the sidewalk the exterior is modern, but my husband has decorated the inside to suit his tastes. - period needed after 'sidewalk'
Cheers
Judy
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2021
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Oh, well done! lol What a pity it's not an entry in some contest or other.
I picked up a few small points if that's okay:
I sigh as I think about to Tiburcio Vasquez and his bandits waiting there to swoop down on heavy-laden stagecoaches carrying gold from area mines south Los Angeles. - should the 'to' before 'Tiburcio' be deleted? And should it be 'south of Los Angeles'?
We take the off ramp and a few minutes later where inside Walmart's lobby. - should it be '... later we're inside...'?
"I know the name's mouthful," he says as if he reads minds. Blame my parents. They're from the old country and don't get it that nobody wants a name like Adonis anymore, even if the guy was some sort of Greek hero." - word missing 'name's a mouthful'; comma needed after 'says' and speech marks needed before 'Blame'
"A God," I say. Adonis was Aphrodite's lover." - speech marks needed before 'Adonis'
"I carry all that stuff together and another wallet but I cleaned out my glovebox and ---?" - did you mean '... in another wallet'
Hey I'm sorry I doubted you but... Well, sorry," - comma perhaps after 'Hey'
"Never mind the apology, let's go inside."
My house is a typical ranch-style with rose beds bordering the sidewalk the exterior is modern, but my husband has decorated the inside to suit his tastes. - period needed after 'sidewalk'
Cheers
Judy
Comment Written 17-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2021
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Thanks for catching all that stuff and for liking my little vampire tale.
Comment from royowen
How interesting, a very civilised conversation considering the circumstance, the main character's language and anger are probably justified, but I think I would find it difficult to run over even a rabbit. A most entertaining short story, keeping yourself in touch, well done, blessings Roy
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reply by the author on 17-Sep-2021
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How interesting, a very civilised conversation considering the circumstance, the main character's language and anger are probably justified, but I think I would find it difficult to run over even a rabbit. A most entertaining short story, keeping yourself in touch, well done, blessings Roy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2021
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She doesn't believe there was any rabbit. Whose to say Adonis wasn't working his own scheme? It was fun to write and it's published in a book put out locally from our branch of the California Writers group where I was a member. Glad you enjoyed it!
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Well done, blessings Roy
Comment from lyenochka
Oh, I didn't see that ending coming! I kept worrying about her taking him to her place at night. But she did say, she could take on any man and she sounds tough. I wonder if you put it in the Horror category, it would give the surprise vampire ending away. Enjoyed the ending and great scene setting and the narrator's personality was quite engaging.
Suggestions:
I sigh as I think about to Tiburcio Vasquez (remove the "to")
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2021
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Oh, I didn't see that ending coming! I kept worrying about her taking him to her place at night. But she did say, she could take on any man and she sounds tough. I wonder if you put it in the Horror category, it would give the surprise vampire ending away. Enjoyed the ending and great scene setting and the narrator's personality was quite engaging.
Suggestions:
I sigh as I think about to Tiburcio Vasquez (remove the "to")
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2021
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Yeah, I didn't have this in preview mode, so I did an edit very quickly and didn't catch a few things.
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I've been told that the Preview mode resets to N when logging onto Fb. I always thought it happened after a software update.