Betrayal
Viewing comments for Chapter 21 "Betrayal Chapter 21"In the title.
44 total reviews
Comment from muffinmama
Wow! The drama ratchets up. As with the previous chapters, I'm so enjoying the continuation of the story. There's a surprise around every corner. I'm always so disappointed when each chapter ends.
Now for the boring part. Please don't be cross with me, but I have some punctuation, etc. suggestions:
1. 'Whilst away, he'd made up his mind to talk to his grandfather about an issue that had plagued him for years, but, for some reason, had been reluctant to approach.' As written, 'had been reluctant to approach' refers to 'issue' and I'm sure that's not what you meant to say. It should be "... but which, for some reason, he had been reluctant to approach."
2. In 'that followed, fell like... shroud; but Grant waited' - No need for the first comma, and the semi-colon should be a comma.
3. In '... call from your baby-sitter, she had to go home...' - The comma should be a semi-colon.
4. In 'They all piled out the car, and headed...' out of the car, and no need for the comma
5. In 'The police officers' came up...' Why possessive for 'officers'?
6. In the paragraph that starts with 'The policeman told him...' I'm a bit confused as to how many police there are. Is the policeman a different person from the police officers?
7. In 'I promised to phone her once we'd found her' it reads as though the 'her' is the same person. Perhaps use Tania instead of her?
Sorry for being such a schoolmarm.
Can't wait for the next installment.
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2021
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Wow! The drama ratchets up. As with the previous chapters, I'm so enjoying the continuation of the story. There's a surprise around every corner. I'm always so disappointed when each chapter ends.
Now for the boring part. Please don't be cross with me, but I have some punctuation, etc. suggestions:
1. 'Whilst away, he'd made up his mind to talk to his grandfather about an issue that had plagued him for years, but, for some reason, had been reluctant to approach.' As written, 'had been reluctant to approach' refers to 'issue' and I'm sure that's not what you meant to say. It should be "... but which, for some reason, he had been reluctant to approach."
2. In 'that followed, fell like... shroud; but Grant waited' - No need for the first comma, and the semi-colon should be a comma.
3. In '... call from your baby-sitter, she had to go home...' - The comma should be a semi-colon.
4. In 'They all piled out the car, and headed...' out of the car, and no need for the comma
5. In 'The police officers' came up...' Why possessive for 'officers'?
6. In the paragraph that starts with 'The policeman told him...' I'm a bit confused as to how many police there are. Is the policeman a different person from the police officers?
7. In 'I promised to phone her once we'd found her' it reads as though the 'her' is the same person. Perhaps use Tania instead of her?
Sorry for being such a schoolmarm.
Can't wait for the next installment.
Comment Written 13-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2021
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Hi! Thank you so very much for this lovely, helpful review. I really appreciated it and have made the corrections. Two policemen were there, I've also made that clearer. And I've chngeg the 'her' to Tania. Thank you!!! I'm always happy for people to correct me. Warm hugs, my friend. :) Sandra xxx
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This Chapter of the Fiction in continuation speaks other dimensions of betrayal expressively worded through taletelling with progression of plot development, and ends with a curious ending; well said, well done; thanks for sharing this. ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2021
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This Chapter of the Fiction in continuation speaks other dimensions of betrayal expressively worded through taletelling with progression of plot development, and ends with a curious ending; well said, well done; thanks for sharing this. ALCREATOR
Comment Written 13-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2021
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Thank you so much for another lovely review, Alcreator. I always appreciate your positive comments. Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from JLR
Sandra, not surprised that this is wonderful continuation of your skillful writing prowess. Your narrative Is quite engaging and the contextual inherentencies about secrets and deception are woven into this quite believably. Thanks for sharing your talent. Continued good successes
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2021
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Sandra, not surprised that this is wonderful continuation of your skillful writing prowess. Your narrative Is quite engaging and the contextual inherentencies about secrets and deception are woven into this quite believably. Thanks for sharing your talent. Continued good successes
Comment Written 13-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2021
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Thank you so much for this lovely review. Such a nice compliment, too!! Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from Pantygynt
This is becoming a highly convoluted situation and there is nothing the matter with that.
A couple of points that were not totally clear to me: 1. 'Grant had just returned from a particularly harrowing stint...' - I kind of guessed this had something to do with his SAS career but others might not realise this. You don't need to go into details but some hint would not come amiss perhaps something like this: 'Grant had just returned from a particularly harrowing stint, about which he could not comment, not even to his Granfather with whom he was staying...'
2. 'That snake in the grass, Harding...' It is a long time, or it feels like it, since we learned of Colin's surname and i wasn't sure who this 'Harding' was until later. I can understand why you would not wish to be too familiar at this stage but perhaps both names, perhaps with an expletive would have worked: 'That snake in the grass, Colin bloody Harding...' What do you think.
These points have taken a few lines to mention but they are small points that may only be apposite under serialisation conditions. Anyway I am gripped by the story and looking forward to your next episode.
2nd review.
This makes the backstory so much clearer and the current situation better understood.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2021
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This is becoming a highly convoluted situation and there is nothing the matter with that.
A couple of points that were not totally clear to me: 1. 'Grant had just returned from a particularly harrowing stint...' - I kind of guessed this had something to do with his SAS career but others might not realise this. You don't need to go into details but some hint would not come amiss perhaps something like this: 'Grant had just returned from a particularly harrowing stint, about which he could not comment, not even to his Granfather with whom he was staying...'
2. 'That snake in the grass, Harding...' It is a long time, or it feels like it, since we learned of Colin's surname and i wasn't sure who this 'Harding' was until later. I can understand why you would not wish to be too familiar at this stage but perhaps both names, perhaps with an expletive would have worked: 'That snake in the grass, Colin bloody Harding...' What do you think.
These points have taken a few lines to mention but they are small points that may only be apposite under serialisation conditions. Anyway I am gripped by the story and looking forward to your next episode.
2nd review.
This makes the backstory so much clearer and the current situation better understood.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2021
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I'm glad you were my first review, you made some valid points. I've made the changes now. Thanks, Jim. This part got posted by mistake, but I decided to leave it. I'm not chasing the rankings, not worth it when you know what we know, lol. I'm sure you will be top soon. I've got my fingers crossed for you. Your book deserves it. Thanks for the review and the help, my friend, I really appreciated it. Warm hugs, Sandra xx