Betrayal
Viewing comments for Chapter 19 "Betrayal Chapter 19"In the title.
45 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Sandra,
This is ramping up nicely. I want some action!
Tania is almost at her wits end- wit's end.
when we see his car, drive past and pull up further on.'- maybe farther for physical distance.
Few little adverbs creeping in near the end of this one. maybe look for stronger verbs so you don't need quietly and silently. nothing major though.
Good stuff.
G
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2021
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Hi Sandra,
This is ramping up nicely. I want some action!
Tania is almost at her wits end- wit's end.
when we see his car, drive past and pull up further on.'- maybe farther for physical distance.
Few little adverbs creeping in near the end of this one. maybe look for stronger verbs so you don't need quietly and silently. nothing major though.
Good stuff.
G
Comment Written 31-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2021
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LOL! There will be a bit more action in the next part. I've corrected that further/farther word, I haven't made that error for a while. I've also removed both the silently and quietly, as they did nothing for that paragraph. It was obvious by the way they were behaving that they would be silent.
Thank you so much, Gareth, for another lovely review. Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from Dorothy Farrell
Hello Sandra, another exciting chapter and things are hotting up. Can't go wrong with car chases and trackers. No apologies needed - it did not seem long at all. The measure of a good read. Hope you are nearing the end of your shingles problem - it certainly has not stopped you writing. LOL!
Stay safe - take care - love and best wishes Dorothyxxx
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2021
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Hello Sandra, another exciting chapter and things are hotting up. Can't go wrong with car chases and trackers. No apologies needed - it did not seem long at all. The measure of a good read. Hope you are nearing the end of your shingles problem - it certainly has not stopped you writing. LOL!
Stay safe - take care - love and best wishes Dorothyxxx
Comment Written 31-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2021
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Thank you so much for your lovely review, Dorothy. I really appreciated it. My shingles are easing off a bit now, thank goodness, but I'll be glad when they've completely gone. :))
You stay safe, too. I have my vaccination this week. Graham had his last week, he's a bit older than me! Have you had yours?
Warm hugs, and much love. Sandra xxx
Comment from Pam (respa)
-Well, Sandra, you do know
how to create suspense.
-The details are excellent
throughout the story.
-Maybe you were a detective
in a former life!
-I liked the opening about the
plans and what they observed
and Grant thinking back to that
initial interview.
-The description of the Glock and
the interest in it was good, too.
-Then, the rest of the chapter is
could have been written for a
movie script, starting with
Lorna's questions; she was brilliant.
-I loved this chapter; now it's
on to snagging Colin and freeing Tania!!!
-I can't say enough about this one, my friend!!
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2021
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-Well, Sandra, you do know
how to create suspense.
-The details are excellent
throughout the story.
-Maybe you were a detective
in a former life!
-I liked the opening about the
plans and what they observed
and Grant thinking back to that
initial interview.
-The description of the Glock and
the interest in it was good, too.
-Then, the rest of the chapter is
could have been written for a
movie script, starting with
Lorna's questions; she was brilliant.
-I loved this chapter; now it's
on to snagging Colin and freeing Tania!!!
-I can't say enough about this one, my friend!!
Comment Written 31-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2021
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Aw, thank you so much, Pam, for this amazing review, (especially the part about movie script!) I'm so pleased you liked this part. Now to rescue Tania! Thank you for that lovely golden star, my friend, I really appreciate it, and this glowing review. Warmest hugs. :)) Sandra xxx
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You are very welcome and deserving of the stars and review, Sandra. It was a very good chapter.
Comment from Patricia Cammish
This is a well developed piece of action writing with compelling content, but I agree with your comment about getting carried away'. Some trimming I think, would be a positive move eg.
'With the turning back of the clocks COMMA the evenings were drawing (in a lot earlier,) and dusk was already upon them. The street lights had just come on. The four men (were watching) WATCHED the screen, (their) impatience growing as they waited for the tracker to move.'
If you cut the words in brackets you lose no sense, but you tighten up the action.
Nice suspense at the end.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2021
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This is a well developed piece of action writing with compelling content, but I agree with your comment about getting carried away'. Some trimming I think, would be a positive move eg.
'With the turning back of the clocks COMMA the evenings were drawing (in a lot earlier,) and dusk was already upon them. The street lights had just come on. The four men (were watching) WATCHED the screen, (their) impatience growing as they waited for the tracker to move.'
If you cut the words in brackets you lose no sense, but you tighten up the action.
Nice suspense at the end.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 31-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2021
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Thank you, Patricia. I'm glad you enjoyed this part. I liked what you did with that paragraph and changed it. I'll be looking to see where else I can tighten up. Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from Pantygynt
The tension increases. This is getting exciting, nothing like a car chase through the darkened countryside. Two points I think you might consider. One I think failure to return a weapon after shooting practice should trigger an instant reaction. Security seems a bit lax!
The other one concerns this passage:
He won't see me in the shadows.' Jeff had dressed in dark clothing, and with his dark skin, he'd be hard to spot.
Carl sank back in his seat as Jeff climbed out. 'Make sure you keep that trap shut of yours, or your pearly whites will dazzle him!'
We have to be so careful these days and the most innocent remarks can become accused of racism. I don't think you are even allowed to call the night black any more. When I was in the RM in the '60s a black recruit would immediately be given the nickname 'Snowball' I doubt if that happens these days. Just a friendly warning. I am sure it is the sort of thing friends of a different skin colour might say to each other in the service but whether we, outside it can comment like that I am not sure.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2021
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The tension increases. This is getting exciting, nothing like a car chase through the darkened countryside. Two points I think you might consider. One I think failure to return a weapon after shooting practice should trigger an instant reaction. Security seems a bit lax!
The other one concerns this passage:
He won't see me in the shadows.' Jeff had dressed in dark clothing, and with his dark skin, he'd be hard to spot.
Carl sank back in his seat as Jeff climbed out. 'Make sure you keep that trap shut of yours, or your pearly whites will dazzle him!'
We have to be so careful these days and the most innocent remarks can become accused of racism. I don't think you are even allowed to call the night black any more. When I was in the RM in the '60s a black recruit would immediately be given the nickname 'Snowball' I doubt if that happens these days. Just a friendly warning. I am sure it is the sort of thing friends of a different skin colour might say to each other in the service but whether we, outside it can comment like that I am not sure.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 31-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2021
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It's sad that we can't portray the friendship the way it undoubtably is, without being accused of racism. I remember when Prince Harry was accused of it when he was in the army, just because some idiot close by thought he could make something out of it. The coloured man in question was a friend of Harry's and thought the whole thing was just the PC brigade, going completely out of control. I've removed both those sentences now, just in case.
Thanks, Jim. Glad you liked the rest of it. :)) Sandr axx
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I didn't dislike them, Sandra, and I am not part of the PC brigade, but I didn't want you to fall foul of them.
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Oh, I knew what you meant, and I know you're not a part of that stupid group. You were perfectly right to mention it and I'm glad you did before any others on here read it. It's just so sad that we have to be like this even when we are trying to capture the real life aspect of friendships. I wasn't upset with you!! xx
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;))
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Iss it my imagination or is there a battle for first place going on $1.40 is a lot to put on something isn't it?
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I thought that. Totally ridiculous.
It doesn't make any difference to the rankings. I don't understand the system anymore. I wrote to Tom asking why my ranking of part 17 went down from 16.824 to 16.564 so that Mastery could leap-frog me to the two tops spots. It's all a set up. The reply I got was ridiculous so I left it. It was strange though that Mastery blocked me afterwards!! As for the top one there on the front page, he has been upping his member pumps every few days to try and get more reviews. It's been there since January 12th and he still hasn't had a 6. It's weird. Have you read it? I did a bit, but I joined most of the others to get the payment! lol. I've learned a lot these last few months. I'm now writing to enjoy it, and will only put high funny money on the long ones, which is only fair if we want reviews and edits and stick to around $1.3ish on the shorter parts. If you and a couple of others hadn't put me right on a few things, this part would be totally wrong. I've already done a big edit. Lol!! I hope to be able to sit down and have a chat with you soon. :))
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I never did understand the system n fact I am not sure system is the right word. I do keep an eye on my status not that I understand that either really.
I am glad to hear you are pulling out of the worst of your shingles and look forward to a chat when you are feeling better.