Dangerous Crossing
Tanka Contest entry41 total reviews
Comment from closetpoetjester
One of THE best Tanka's I've read in ages Stevo...with terror and emotional turmoil the story unfolds in the first two lines...the volta brings on the trepidation in the third, with the perfect turn in the story sharing the angst as they throw caution to the wind and risk it all for a new life in the last two. I love the light and hope at the end of the tunnel after that monstrous leap! The story felt complete, at least for this chapter in their lives. Lets hope the next one is not as tumultuous. Well done, sixer for you. Good luck.
Cheers P
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2016
  |
One of THE best Tanka's I've read in ages Stevo...with terror and emotional turmoil the story unfolds in the first two lines...the volta brings on the trepidation in the third, with the perfect turn in the story sharing the angst as they throw caution to the wind and risk it all for a new life in the last two. I love the light and hope at the end of the tunnel after that monstrous leap! The story felt complete, at least for this chapter in their lives. Lets hope the next one is not as tumultuous. Well done, sixer for you. Good luck.
Cheers P
Comment Written 05-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2016
-
And thanks again for the great review. I'm not sure if this is what Tankas are supposed to be all about, so let's hope that the committee doesn't care either. Yes, I did want to end on some sort of positive, rather than dwell on the less than rapturous welcome the poor buggers get when they do arrive in a new homeland.
Steve
Comment from krys123
Hello Steve;
-I thought that the picture for your Tanka'd formatted writing absolutely set the stage, but not for the actual story, but the feelings and emotions that it would create
for your writing. However, the association between the two was evident because of the association that you presented with a great story line and emotion that were paralleled with the picture.
-Great imagery both visually and contextually of the emotions that a disruptive war
or malaise may have on a people. Or rather little girl showing a piece sign, to me at least, did not show very much malaise in her smile and waving a piece sign.
-Good textual formatting of the Tanka and even the pivot line "dangerous crossing" added fervently to both the first two in last two lines of your Tanka and also summarized the contextual theme's relative understanding of the whole process and deliverance of your writing.
-Good luck in the contest and take care and have a good one my friend.
Alex
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2016
 |
Hello Steve;
-I thought that the picture for your Tanka'd formatted writing absolutely set the stage, but not for the actual story, but the feelings and emotions that it would create
for your writing. However, the association between the two was evident because of the association that you presented with a great story line and emotion that were paralleled with the picture.
-Great imagery both visually and contextually of the emotions that a disruptive war
or malaise may have on a people. Or rather little girl showing a piece sign, to me at least, did not show very much malaise in her smile and waving a piece sign.
-Good textual formatting of the Tanka and even the pivot line "dangerous crossing" added fervently to both the first two in last two lines of your Tanka and also summarized the contextual theme's relative understanding of the whole process and deliverance of your writing.
-Good luck in the contest and take care and have a good one my friend.
Alex
Comment Written 05-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2016
-
Alex, thanks as always for your thoughtful review.
Steve
-
You are very welcome Steve.
Alex
Comment from oliver818
Great poem, very moving. Sounds like it could be inspired by some terrible events! Best of luck with the competition, and have a great day!
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2016
|
Great poem, very moving. Sounds like it could be inspired by some terrible events! Best of luck with the competition, and have a great day!
Comment Written 05-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2016
-
Thanks, Oliver.
Steve
Comment from humpwhistle
Yes, the desperation and the leap of faith.
Sometimes I wonder which is most powerful.
In my world, I'd have to give a strong edge
to the desperation. Like a patron stampeding
from a burning theater. Whatever waits outside
has to be better than what's going on in here.
But these poor people have to make a choice between
facing the fire on the inside, or an unruly mob on the outside--
many of whom blame the patrons for the very fire from which
they flee.
A dangerous crossing indeed.
You've hit a very sensitive nerve, Steve.
I don't know where these people get the strength.
But when you can't fight, I guess your only recourse
is to flee.
Best of luck.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2016
|
Yes, the desperation and the leap of faith.
Sometimes I wonder which is most powerful.
In my world, I'd have to give a strong edge
to the desperation. Like a patron stampeding
from a burning theater. Whatever waits outside
has to be better than what's going on in here.
But these poor people have to make a choice between
facing the fire on the inside, or an unruly mob on the outside--
many of whom blame the patrons for the very fire from which
they flee.
A dangerous crossing indeed.
You've hit a very sensitive nerve, Steve.
I don't know where these people get the strength.
But when you can't fight, I guess your only recourse
is to flee.
Best of luck.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 05-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2016
-
Thanks, Lee.
Just my poor attempt to get inside the heads of these refugees, caught, as you say, between a rock and a hard place. Sadly, we can't take more into NZ, where, for the most part, they are welcomed and quickly become model citizens.
Steve
Comment from Pearl Edwards
An emotional tanka Steve about an emotional subject and journey. In only these few lines you say a lot, and a perfect photo to go with this write. Good luck in the contest.
cheers,
valda
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2016
|
An emotional tanka Steve about an emotional subject and journey. In only these few lines you say a lot, and a perfect photo to go with this write. Good luck in the contest.
cheers,
valda
Comment Written 05-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2016
-
Thanks, Valda.
Yes, whatever is going on around them, it is never the children's fault - they are innocent victims of greed and bigotry and power-hungry maniacs.
Steve
Comment from Ogden
Unlike other Tanka entries, yours, in addition to fulfilling the requirements of the form, speaks to an important issue of our time, and does so cogently and sensitively. Good luck in the voting!
Don
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2016
|
Unlike other Tanka entries, yours, in addition to fulfilling the requirements of the form, speaks to an important issue of our time, and does so cogently and sensitively. Good luck in the voting!
Don
Comment Written 05-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2016
-
Thanks, Ogden.
I'm not sure the Tanka is intended for social commentary, but damn tradition in this case.
Steve
Comment from Jackarrie
What a meaningful tanka poem, just what we all are witnessing from our comfortable chairs, and feel helpless. the photo says it all. A great entry into the contest, I wish you luck with it. Mary
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2016
|
What a meaningful tanka poem, just what we all are witnessing from our comfortable chairs, and feel helpless. the photo says it all. A great entry into the contest, I wish you luck with it. Mary
Comment Written 05-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2016
-
Thanks, mary.
Yes, whatever is going on around them, it is never the children's fault - they are innocent victims of greed and bigotry and power-hungry maniacs.
Steve
Comment from DR DIP
Steve, this is so poignant and heartbreaking. We hear of this from the war torn middle east of children who are even Orphaned through war in their own country innocent kids if their parents survive this they seek refuge in migrating to a promised land to start a new life. You have reflected that in just 5 lines. Well written. thanks for sharing
dip
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2016
|
Steve, this is so poignant and heartbreaking. We hear of this from the war torn middle east of children who are even Orphaned through war in their own country innocent kids if their parents survive this they seek refuge in migrating to a promised land to start a new life. You have reflected that in just 5 lines. Well written. thanks for sharing
dip
Comment Written 05-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2016
-
Thanks, Dip.
Yes, whatever is going on around them, it is never the children's fault - they are innocent victims of greed and bigotry and power-hungry maniacs.
Steve
Comment from William Ross
very good on the tanka and about refugees leaving a troubled land for hopes of a better life. Nicely done, best of luck on this and have a great day.
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2016
|
very good on the tanka and about refugees leaving a troubled land for hopes of a better life. Nicely done, best of luck on this and have a great day.
Comment Written 05-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2016
-
Thanks, William.
Steve
Comment from tfawcus
I wonder how many hundreds of thousands of children this applies to. The numbers are beyond belief, and each individual case a tragedy affecting whole families. Your tanka follows the traditional syllable count and is neatly divided into two halves by the central line that acts as a pivot between them. The repeated 'd' sound of 'dangerous' and 'desperate' serves to add emphasis. Nicely written and a strong entry to the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2016
|
I wonder how many hundreds of thousands of children this applies to. The numbers are beyond belief, and each individual case a tragedy affecting whole families. Your tanka follows the traditional syllable count and is neatly divided into two halves by the central line that acts as a pivot between them. The repeated 'd' sound of 'dangerous' and 'desperate' serves to add emphasis. Nicely written and a strong entry to the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2016
-
Tony, thanks for the perceptive review. O'm not sure if the Tanka is designed for social commentary, but what the heck!
Steve