2nd Time Around
Viewing comments for Prologue "Prologue"A fight for life and truth.
34 total reviews
Comment from F. Wehr3
Very suspenseful tale. i enjoyed it. Please consider the following.
'She did know that the episode currently playing was a rerun and that a new episode was scheduled to air later that evening.' Your verb tense switches in this sentence. She knew. The other thing in this sentence is the unnecessary use of the word 'that'. Try to eliminate your thats.
'"could have saved himself the trouble of looking through the stuff in there,' Capitalize Could.
' But, Menacing as he looked and sounded,' As a general rule a comma goes before but as a conjunction, so try to avoid leading a sentence with but. No capital for menacing.
When you direct action in your story, you tend to use 'then' a lot.
Lastly, when you post a story on this site, the line spacing is terrible. You need to manually space between every paragraph. It's a pain, but well worth it for the reader.
Overall, very good story. I hope this helps. Have a great day!
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2015
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Very suspenseful tale. i enjoyed it. Please consider the following.
'She did know that the episode currently playing was a rerun and that a new episode was scheduled to air later that evening.' Your verb tense switches in this sentence. She knew. The other thing in this sentence is the unnecessary use of the word 'that'. Try to eliminate your thats.
'"could have saved himself the trouble of looking through the stuff in there,' Capitalize Could.
' But, Menacing as he looked and sounded,' As a general rule a comma goes before but as a conjunction, so try to avoid leading a sentence with but. No capital for menacing.
When you direct action in your story, you tend to use 'then' a lot.
Lastly, when you post a story on this site, the line spacing is terrible. You need to manually space between every paragraph. It's a pain, but well worth it for the reader.
Overall, very good story. I hope this helps. Have a great day!
Comment Written 28-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2015
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This absolutely helps. I have to really on Word's spell-check a lot because I can't see the screen very well, and it just isn't catching some of this stuff. The rest is just a good learning experience for me. Thanks.
Comment from Earthwriter
really nicely written could feel the terror and self preservation determination in this one it had me on the edge of my Chair is really was an enjoyable piece well done
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2015
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really nicely written could feel the terror and self preservation determination in this one it had me on the edge of my Chair is really was an enjoyable piece well done
Comment Written 28-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2015
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Thank you.
Comment from chcbeck
A very gripping read, you walked through the story in her footsteps and felt her fear.but you know it doesn't look good for her. I am certainly intrigued as to what happens next.
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reply by the author on 28-Dec-2015
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A very gripping read, you walked through the story in her footsteps and felt her fear.but you know it doesn't look good for her. I am certainly intrigued as to what happens next.
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Comment Written 28-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2015
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Thank you. I'm glad to hear that, despite there being no mystery as to what happened at that house, the intrigue and suspense remains.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
There is the start of a good tale here, but the story telling needs to be more consistent in tone and descriptiveness. I made a few notes as I read through which are detailed below.
It may be an idea to incorporate some line breaks into the piece between paragraphs. This eases the read for the reviewer / reader. many people will be put off by this, seeing just a large mass of text which is fairly daunting.
I recommend having a look around the prose writers on the site and see the conventions used.
interrupting their plans to spend time together while he stayed with an uncle in Washington, D.C - how were they spending time together if he was staying in Washington and she was at home in Virginia?
Also be careful of over-writing and repetition. In the first few paragraphs you mention channel hopping or flipping channels three times.
just run next door and ask Elaine Parker / The Parkers lived right across the street - need to be consistent with description.
"Hello," He said - he said.
"could have saved - Could.
were the bodies of Elaine Parker, Alan Parker, and Stacey Parker. - you don't really need to give the last names here, It is fairly well established who there are by now.
away from him as possible as quickly as possible - this is a bit clumsy with the repetition. I would suggest rewording it.
But, Menacing as he - as menacing as.
"how could you do this - How.
Then she'd be able to get out of the house. Then, she would be able to scream - again be careful with the repetition.
The loud crunching of the wood barely fazed her. - followed immediately by - Dazed from the fall, Sarah shakily got to her feet - the inconsistency in description is much in evidence here. If she is unfazed by the fall she wouldn't be dizzy or shaky.
"oh God!" - "Oh God!"
Taking a brief glance at the crowd of spectators, she briefly saw her mom's car - repetition of brief here.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2015
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Hi there,
There is the start of a good tale here, but the story telling needs to be more consistent in tone and descriptiveness. I made a few notes as I read through which are detailed below.
It may be an idea to incorporate some line breaks into the piece between paragraphs. This eases the read for the reviewer / reader. many people will be put off by this, seeing just a large mass of text which is fairly daunting.
I recommend having a look around the prose writers on the site and see the conventions used.
interrupting their plans to spend time together while he stayed with an uncle in Washington, D.C - how were they spending time together if he was staying in Washington and she was at home in Virginia?
Also be careful of over-writing and repetition. In the first few paragraphs you mention channel hopping or flipping channels three times.
just run next door and ask Elaine Parker / The Parkers lived right across the street - need to be consistent with description.
"Hello," He said - he said.
"could have saved - Could.
were the bodies of Elaine Parker, Alan Parker, and Stacey Parker. - you don't really need to give the last names here, It is fairly well established who there are by now.
away from him as possible as quickly as possible - this is a bit clumsy with the repetition. I would suggest rewording it.
But, Menacing as he - as menacing as.
"how could you do this - How.
Then she'd be able to get out of the house. Then, she would be able to scream - again be careful with the repetition.
The loud crunching of the wood barely fazed her. - followed immediately by - Dazed from the fall, Sarah shakily got to her feet - the inconsistency in description is much in evidence here. If she is unfazed by the fall she wouldn't be dizzy or shaky.
"oh God!" - "Oh God!"
Taking a brief glance at the crowd of spectators, she briefly saw her mom's car - repetition of brief here.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2015
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Thank you. Your comments are a large reason as to why I joined this site. I couldn't take notes fast enough.