Sundowns
Cradling Grandson Memory38 total reviews
Comment from A TARNISHED KNIGHT
Being I live in Hawaii... sunsets do have a mystical way of moving the mind in many directions...I found the first line a bit confusing or better yet, a bit too mystical for me to understand...I am sure you know what it means but to many readers it may still be a mystery...I think if you eliminated a few of the "And's" "AND' a swift,"AND you will "AND" the last... it would flow a lot better... They seem to be used just as a filler as they do not add at all to the line.. I like the overall work just think a bit of tweeking will make it better
TK
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2015
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Being I live in Hawaii... sunsets do have a mystical way of moving the mind in many directions...I found the first line a bit confusing or better yet, a bit too mystical for me to understand...I am sure you know what it means but to many readers it may still be a mystery...I think if you eliminated a few of the "And's" "AND' a swift,"AND you will "AND" the last... it would flow a lot better... They seem to be used just as a filler as they do not add at all to the line.. I like the overall work just think a bit of tweeking will make it better
TK
Comment Written 14-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2015
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Thank you for reviewing my work. I will work in those details. I appreciate it from my heart. Thank you .
Comment from Dorothy Farrell
Amada - this is a very moving free verse. Written in a very heartfelt way. Very heartbreaking to lose a child - your grandchild. Your words are almost unbearable to read and my heart goes out to you. That line you keep repeating is very effective. 'linking my heart to my throbbing throat' - the stanza including that line is very moving indeed. God bless. Warm regards Dorothy x
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2015
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Amada - this is a very moving free verse. Written in a very heartfelt way. Very heartbreaking to lose a child - your grandchild. Your words are almost unbearable to read and my heart goes out to you. That line you keep repeating is very effective. 'linking my heart to my throbbing throat' - the stanza including that line is very moving indeed. God bless. Warm regards Dorothy x
Comment Written 14-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2015
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Thank you, Dorothy
Comment from Javed05
Really good one......it flows well..........it is engaging.......creates good imagery......I enjoyed reading it..........thanks for sharing with us .........
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2015
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Really good one......it flows well..........it is engaging.......creates good imagery......I enjoyed reading it..........thanks for sharing with us .........
Comment Written 14-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2015
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Thank you for reading my work.
Comment from mvbrooks
Your poems seems to invite the reader to feel their own connection to feelings of sadness, grief--it this way, the poem is effective.
I reread the first line several times. I think I understand what you mean, but the words don't really work for me in that line. I don't make a connection with "the straight light of further along."
I also don't get the connection in the lines:
"And a swift sound comes straight into my inner ear--
The one linking my heart to the throbbing in my throat "
I am very visual, and the inner ear doesn't connect the throat and heart. Perhaps it's the unfamiliar phrasing of "throbbing in my throat" and I apologize if this is intended as an unfamiliar phrase on purpose.
Overall, the tone of sadness is expressed. The setting sun and the settling in of emotions is powerful in your poem.
thank you
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reply by the author on 14-Jun-2015
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Your poems seems to invite the reader to feel their own connection to feelings of sadness, grief--it this way, the poem is effective.
I reread the first line several times. I think I understand what you mean, but the words don't really work for me in that line. I don't make a connection with "the straight light of further along."
I also don't get the connection in the lines:
"And a swift sound comes straight into my inner ear--
The one linking my heart to the throbbing in my throat "
I am very visual, and the inner ear doesn't connect the throat and heart. Perhaps it's the unfamiliar phrasing of "throbbing in my throat" and I apologize if this is intended as an unfamiliar phrase on purpose.
Overall, the tone of sadness is expressed. The setting sun and the settling in of emotions is powerful in your poem.
thank you
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2015
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Thank you for reading and commenting.
Comment from tennesseerose
Well written. Also, this poem reminds me of many stories I have heard of ones who have passed appearing to loved ones and reassuring them that everything is all right. You said it in the best way I have ever heard. God does give us comfort, doesn't he? Keep up the great work!
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2015
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Well written. Also, this poem reminds me of many stories I have heard of ones who have passed appearing to loved ones and reassuring them that everything is all right. You said it in the best way I have ever heard. God does give us comfort, doesn't he? Keep up the great work!
Comment Written 14-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2015
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Thank you for your compassionate words.
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
I love the picture! I enjoyed reading your poem. Good free verse and even flow. Excellent word choice to enhance the theme. Nicely done and I thank you for sharing it.
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2015
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I love the picture! I enjoyed reading your poem. Good free verse and even flow. Excellent word choice to enhance the theme. Nicely done and I thank you for sharing it.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2015
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Thank you for reading and commenting.
Comment from Mr. Suffering
If I read this twenty years ago, or even ten, I would have not felt the depth of it as I do now. The perspective of love does change with time, and is more complex to understand. To me, poetry is about emotions. This poem feels so in touch with the poets' heart, it's almost frightening. Very well written, and thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2015
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If I read this twenty years ago, or even ten, I would have not felt the depth of it as I do now. The perspective of love does change with time, and is more complex to understand. To me, poetry is about emotions. This poem feels so in touch with the poets' heart, it's almost frightening. Very well written, and thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2015
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Thank you for your compassion.
Comment from JourneyHolm
Ooo, this is beautiful and serene. I like the color scheme too. It goes well with the poem. The tone here is very quiet and sincere. All is found in a moment of silence. One can be sure of that much. Thank you for sharing.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2015
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Ooo, this is beautiful and serene. I like the color scheme too. It goes well with the poem. The tone here is very quiet and sincere. All is found in a moment of silence. One can be sure of that much. Thank you for sharing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2015
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Thank you for reading and expressing your thoughts.