The Promise
A show of devotion43 total reviews
Comment from dmt1967
This is a really cute story.
'"Tommy, I'm sorry," (the) mother said. "I'm sure you'll make new friends."' Change to (his).
Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2015
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This is a really cute story.
'"Tommy, I'm sorry," (the) mother said. "I'm sure you'll make new friends."' Change to (his).
Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 23-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2015
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dmt, Thank you for the great review. John
Comment from Spitfire
What an endearing, utterly charming story. I regret I have no sixes left. This is exceptional. How clever the two close friends are to think their "marriage" will prevent their separation. A great image opens this tale, and an another stronger one at the end.
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2015
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What an endearing, utterly charming story. I regret I have no sixes left. This is exceptional. How clever the two close friends are to think their "marriage" will prevent their separation. A great image opens this tale, and an another stronger one at the end.
Comment Written 22-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2015
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Thank you for a great review. I certainly appreciate it. John
Comment from Mastery
Hi, John. very well written piece here. Great images throughout..Like:
"With the back of his dirty hand, he wiped the beads of sweat from his forehead. The August sun was relentless showering rays of heat."
And: ""See?" Nicole said while waving her dandelion ring around. Mrs. Fallon looks at the two best friends sadly."
All in all, deserving of six stars, but alas, I have none left already. Boo hiss! (Sorry, John)
Suggestion: "brush the blades of grass back and forth, looking. (perhaps SEARCHING would be a stronger verb, John.)
Blessings and I will make the six up to you in the future...I know you will deserve one. Bob
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2015
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Hi, John. very well written piece here. Great images throughout..Like:
"With the back of his dirty hand, he wiped the beads of sweat from his forehead. The August sun was relentless showering rays of heat."
And: ""See?" Nicole said while waving her dandelion ring around. Mrs. Fallon looks at the two best friends sadly."
All in all, deserving of six stars, but alas, I have none left already. Boo hiss! (Sorry, John)
Suggestion: "brush the blades of grass back and forth, looking. (perhaps SEARCHING would be a stronger verb, John.)
Blessings and I will make the six up to you in the future...I know you will deserve one. Bob
Comment Written 22-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2015
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Thank you Bob. I appreciate the kind words in your review.
I think I have 2 chapters to get to on your book. I didn't forget. I've been enjoying it.
Be well... John
Comment from Brett Matthew West
The joys of childhood. Kids will enjoy this story that flows well with an easy to follow story line. Descriptive language used held reader's interest throughout. Write on.
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2015
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The joys of childhood. Kids will enjoy this story that flows well with an easy to follow story line. Descriptive language used held reader's interest throughout. Write on.
Comment Written 22-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2015
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BMW,... Thank you for reading and sharing. John
Comment from boxergirl
John, this is sweet..so sweet! Your dialogue and descriptive details of their behavior paint a tone of innocence that is present in children of this age. And then the twist at the end where he is moving and doesn't want to lose his "wife" tugs at my heart as it reminds me of childhood friends that came and went like this. It was always so dang hard!
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2015
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John, this is sweet..so sweet! Your dialogue and descriptive details of their behavior paint a tone of innocence that is present in children of this age. And then the twist at the end where he is moving and doesn't want to lose his "wife" tugs at my heart as it reminds me of childhood friends that came and went like this. It was always so dang hard!
Comment Written 22-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2015
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Boxergirl... WOW. A 6 star review. Thank you. But beyond that, you words were very encouraging for me.
Thank you!!!!!
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I really enjoyed this tale.
Told with a lightness of touch and very well.
Funny how kids think, isn't it. I am completely amazed by my little one's reasoning on a daily basis!
Just a couple of little things and one minor niggle!
two of'em - of 'em
The August sun was relentless showering rays of heat. - either relentless, or relentlessly
Where did the girl come from? Tommy initially appeared to be on his own and then she was juts there.
GMG
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2015
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Hi there,
I really enjoyed this tale.
Told with a lightness of touch and very well.
Funny how kids think, isn't it. I am completely amazed by my little one's reasoning on a daily basis!
Just a couple of little things and one minor niggle!
two of'em - of 'em
The August sun was relentless showering rays of heat. - either relentless, or relentlessly
Where did the girl come from? Tommy initially appeared to be on his own and then she was juts there.
GMG
Comment Written 22-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2015
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GMG... Thank you for this great review! I understand the two corrective actions needed, and your question regarding Nicole's appearance makes sense.
Thanks a bunch, John
Comment from jpduck
This was well put together. But, curiously, despite being about children, I don't think it is something a lot of children would enjoy. I suspect it is partly because you are looking at the children through an adult's eyes, rather than another child's eyes. I only mention this because you have categorised the story as Children Fiction.
A couple of SPAGs (* *=insert; [ ]=delete):
'He then went on *about* how it was no big deal'
'Finally, he caught up [to] *with* her and grabbed her by the arm to make her stop'
Adrian
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2015
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This was well put together. But, curiously, despite being about children, I don't think it is something a lot of children would enjoy. I suspect it is partly because you are looking at the children through an adult's eyes, rather than another child's eyes. I only mention this because you have categorised the story as Children Fiction.
A couple of SPAGs (* *=insert; [ ]=delete):
'He then went on *about* how it was no big deal'
'Finally, he caught up [to] *with* her and grabbed her by the arm to make her stop'
Adrian
Comment Written 22-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2015
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Thank you jp for reading and the SPAG items. Always appreciated... John
Comment from emkoutny
I loved this story as it reminded me so much of my son and his (girl) friend who moved away to another state. They are currently eleven and I think they would have pulled this trick if they had thought of it. I think children can love deeply and innocently. Their relationship is a beautiful thing-they text or Skype daily and are in constant communication. I tell you this because your story rings a bell of truth. The conversations that the mother has with the boy is the same one I have had with my son. Beautifully done.
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2015
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I loved this story as it reminded me so much of my son and his (girl) friend who moved away to another state. They are currently eleven and I think they would have pulled this trick if they had thought of it. I think children can love deeply and innocently. Their relationship is a beautiful thing-they text or Skype daily and are in constant communication. I tell you this because your story rings a bell of truth. The conversations that the mother has with the boy is the same one I have had with my son. Beautifully done.
Comment Written 22-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2015
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em... Thank you for this wonderful review. Your six stars are icing on the cupcake!
I agree that children can love innocently. They shouldn't know anything other then they.
Welcome to FS and will check out your portfolio. John
Comment from Sasha
This is so, so sweet. What a lovely story, beautifully written and filled with so much touching emotion. I enjoyed this very much. Excellent work with this one. Keep it up!
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2015
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This is so, so sweet. What a lovely story, beautifully written and filled with so much touching emotion. I enjoyed this very much. Excellent work with this one. Keep it up!
Comment Written 22-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2015
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Thank you l for readj
Comment from IndianaIrish
A few tense changes to fix, John. I upped the rating.
Tommy nods(nodded) and they continue(continued) to run to the house(,) then through the back door.
"Mrs. Fallon!" Nicole yells.(yelled)
"See?" Nicole said while waving her dandelion ring around. Mrs. Fallon looks(looked) at the two best friends sadly.
She stops(stopped) as the children's eyes fill with tears.
What a cute, sad story, John. Your portray the emotion well, and I really liked the rings they made for each other. You had a problem with tense changes in this story, but I think you wanted it in past tense. I hope I caught all the errors, so you can fix them. Please let me know when you do, because I'd like to increase the rating.
Smiles,
Karyn :-)
His eyebrows, just beneath his wavy blond hair(,) crinkle(d) together as he fumbled with the object in his hands. He looks(looked) at it for a second and is (was)satisfied.
Nicole picks(picked) it off his palm.
Finally, he catches(caught) up to her and grabs(grabbed) her by the arm
So, yea(I think you want yeah here. Yea is an old way of voting yea or nay), I know how to do this. Uh," he clears(cleared) his throat again, "Do(do) you, Nicole(,) take me
"Yes." Nicole says(said) giggling.
So, can I kiss you?" Tommy asks(asked),
Nicole blushes(blushed), but knows(knew) it's for the best, so she closes(closed) her eyes and leans(leaned) in. Tommy leans(leaned) in and puckers(puckered) his lips. Once they made contact they both jerked away and furiously wipe(wiped) their lips with there(their) sweaty arms. Nicole is(was) the first to speak.
The(His) mother was seated at the kitchen table
they weren't always on there(their) best behavior.
"C'mon(,) Nicole, let's go to my room," Tommy said. He turned his back on his mother. Once in Tommy's room(,) he flops(flopped) onto his bed. Nicole sat on the floor with her legs crossed and begins(began) to play with the shag carpet.
"Of course we'll see each other," Tommy says(said) confidently.
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2015
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A few tense changes to fix, John. I upped the rating.
Tommy nods(nodded) and they continue(continued) to run to the house(,) then through the back door.
"Mrs. Fallon!" Nicole yells.(yelled)
"See?" Nicole said while waving her dandelion ring around. Mrs. Fallon looks(looked) at the two best friends sadly.
She stops(stopped) as the children's eyes fill with tears.
What a cute, sad story, John. Your portray the emotion well, and I really liked the rings they made for each other. You had a problem with tense changes in this story, but I think you wanted it in past tense. I hope I caught all the errors, so you can fix them. Please let me know when you do, because I'd like to increase the rating.
Smiles,
Karyn :-)
His eyebrows, just beneath his wavy blond hair(,) crinkle(d) together as he fumbled with the object in his hands. He looks(looked) at it for a second and is (was)satisfied.
Nicole picks(picked) it off his palm.
Finally, he catches(caught) up to her and grabs(grabbed) her by the arm
So, yea(I think you want yeah here. Yea is an old way of voting yea or nay), I know how to do this. Uh," he clears(cleared) his throat again, "Do(do) you, Nicole(,) take me
"Yes." Nicole says(said) giggling.
So, can I kiss you?" Tommy asks(asked),
Nicole blushes(blushed), but knows(knew) it's for the best, so she closes(closed) her eyes and leans(leaned) in. Tommy leans(leaned) in and puckers(puckered) his lips. Once they made contact they both jerked away and furiously wipe(wiped) their lips with there(their) sweaty arms. Nicole is(was) the first to speak.
The(His) mother was seated at the kitchen table
they weren't always on there(their) best behavior.
"C'mon(,) Nicole, let's go to my room," Tommy said. He turned his back on his mother. Once in Tommy's room(,) he flops(flopped) onto his bed. Nicole sat on the floor with her legs crossed and begins(began) to play with the shag carpet.
"Of course we'll see each other," Tommy says(said) confidently.
Comment Written 22-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2015
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Karyn, no need to change the star rating, it's based on what I submitted, which was riddled with mistakes.
Thank you for all the corrections. I made the changes.
John
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Why wouldn't I want to change the rating if you made the corrections?
There were a few more that either I or you missed with the wrong tense that I added to the original review.