The Virus
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Emergence Written October 2014"Changing the world's attitudes
45 total reviews
Comment from emrpoems
held my attention from the beginning and throughout.
Good story plan and development
Hope things do not turn out the same if you refer to te ebola virus
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2014
  |
held my attention from the beginning and throughout.
Good story plan and development
Hope things do not turn out the same if you refer to te ebola virus
Comment Written 25-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2014
-
It gets better - for everyone. Thank you...John
Comment from MizKat
Hi John,
I like your story, but there are so many characters mentioned it's difficult for me to keep track of all of them. I do look forward to reading the next chapter called Chaos though. Thanks for sharing.
Kat
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2014
|
Hi John,
I like your story, but there are so many characters mentioned it's difficult for me to keep track of all of them. I do look forward to reading the next chapter called Chaos though. Thanks for sharing.
Kat
Comment Written 25-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2014
-
The characters will meet. They are the necessary skill set to recover, Thanks...John
Comment from James Dooney
Excellent description on just how quickly a virus can ravage a society. You have described this very well here, and I say well done.
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2014
|
Excellent description on just how quickly a virus can ravage a society. You have described this very well here, and I say well done.
Comment Written 25-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2014
-
Thank you. I hope you will follow as we develop...John
Comment from Ookami Taki
Very nice start to what may be a gripping adventure. This introduction gives the reader a taste of the bitterness to come. I'd suggest combining the related segments instead of separating them into two sections, though. For example, let Jeremy and Samantha's introduction flow right into their dialogue. Chopping the introduction away from the action makes the flow start and stop like a newbie learning to drive a stick shift, and that's not a very comfortable feeling. Let the story unfold as it plays, one vignette after another. One other technique to tighten up the pace would be to reduce the passive voice. Watch out for an overabundance of 'was' and 'had'. A search for 'passive voice' should offer many resources to help identify and eliminate it. Passive voice is often the biggest killer of what would otherwise be deep, strong writing. The story of an epidemic of blindness is a good premise, and can be truly terrifying. Without sight, we are vulnerable to just about anything. This should be a great tale! Keep up the good work!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2014
 |
Very nice start to what may be a gripping adventure. This introduction gives the reader a taste of the bitterness to come. I'd suggest combining the related segments instead of separating them into two sections, though. For example, let Jeremy and Samantha's introduction flow right into their dialogue. Chopping the introduction away from the action makes the flow start and stop like a newbie learning to drive a stick shift, and that's not a very comfortable feeling. Let the story unfold as it plays, one vignette after another. One other technique to tighten up the pace would be to reduce the passive voice. Watch out for an overabundance of 'was' and 'had'. A search for 'passive voice' should offer many resources to help identify and eliminate it. Passive voice is often the biggest killer of what would otherwise be deep, strong writing. The story of an epidemic of blindness is a good premise, and can be truly terrifying. Without sight, we are vulnerable to just about anything. This should be a great tale! Keep up the good work!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2014
-
I truly appreciate your help. Thanks for the guidance...John
Comment from Thewriterwithnoname
Interesting, unique start to a story. I especially enjoyed how all of these characters are tied together by the sudden appearance of the fog and how they're effected by the virus. One complaint, however, is that I feel like you don't spend enough time building up these characters. The story would be improved by you spending a chapter or two establishing who these people are by showing instead of telling.
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
|
Interesting, unique start to a story. I especially enjoyed how all of these characters are tied together by the sudden appearance of the fog and how they're effected by the virus. One complaint, however, is that I feel like you don't spend enough time building up these characters. The story would be improved by you spending a chapter or two establishing who these people are by showing instead of telling.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
-
They all will meet to develop a new civilization. Thanks for the input...John
Comment from Emily George
Very well written your characters are believable.
It will be interesting to see where this goes.
You have all the ingredients, fog, blindness. A virus
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
|
Very well written your characters are believable.
It will be interesting to see where this goes.
You have all the ingredients, fog, blindness. A virus
Comment Written 24-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
-
The pivotal point is Day Six. Thanks...John
Comment from ravenblack
A timely write considering Ebola making all the headlines. Are your paragraphs about the characters introduction and not part of the body of the story? If not, It just does not transition naturally into the story.
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
|
A timely write considering Ebola making all the headlines. Are your paragraphs about the characters introduction and not part of the body of the story? If not, It just does not transition naturally into the story.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
-
I need those characters to rebuild. They will all meet. Thanks...John
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is an excellent write, cogitator, you did an excellent job writing this story about the virus that turned everybody blind and left them terrified. I enjoyed reading it.
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
|
this is an excellent write, cogitator, you did an excellent job writing this story about the virus that turned everybody blind and left them terrified. I enjoyed reading it.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
-
Thanks...John
Comment from NicciFaye
Blind ummmm..this is going to be interesting. I wanted to start reading it from the beginning since you're not to far along into the story. Good intro.
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
|
Blind ummmm..this is going to be interesting. I wanted to start reading it from the beginning since you're not to far along into the story. Good intro.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
-
Ditto
Comment from Fridayauthor
This story line is interesting and this introduction reads well. Four story lines may be ambitious to follow if they remain separate for long.
I assume the time is the future, but it's not stated.
Nice writing. Thank you.
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
|
This story line is interesting and this introduction reads well. Four story lines may be ambitious to follow if they remain separate for long.
I assume the time is the future, but it's not stated.
Nice writing. Thank you.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
-
The characters are the necessary skill set to restart civilization. Thanks for your input...John