Sex and Candy
Flash Fiction51 total reviews
Comment from Eric1
This is a brilliant tale of revenge told in a really good way, it is well written with believable characters, I would have liked to know how she got him strapped into the chair though.
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2014
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This is a brilliant tale of revenge told in a really good way, it is well written with believable characters, I would have liked to know how she got him strapped into the chair though.
Comment Written 04-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2014
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Eric, thanks for the excellent review. Based on yours and another review I've made some slight changes to make his predicament more beleivable. i would love to know what you think if you could bear to read again. If not thanks again for your time.
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Have looked at the new version my friend, It is a great improvement and wipes out any doubt as to how he was overpowered, this has lifted your story to a new height, look forward to more.
Comment from Jay Squires
You've packed a lot of development in a small space. Your narrator protag is compelling. Of course we don't know what's happening until the next to last paragraph.
The problem I see is you don't indicate how he got secured to his chair (or wherever). I could understand if she had involved him in kinky sex and, after disrobing, strapped him to the chair... and THEN gave the punch line along with the injection.
Unfortunately, what you left out is vital to the authenticity of the piece.
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Oh, yeah, much better! You might even accentuate it by tweaking the line: "He stares back, giving me his full concentration." to something like: "He lies there on the bed, staring up at me." But, yours added so much more. I'm modifying it to a 5 star.
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2014
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You've packed a lot of development in a small space. Your narrator protag is compelling. Of course we don't know what's happening until the next to last paragraph.
The problem I see is you don't indicate how he got secured to his chair (or wherever). I could understand if she had involved him in kinky sex and, after disrobing, strapped him to the chair... and THEN gave the punch line along with the injection.
Unfortunately, what you left out is vital to the authenticity of the piece.
***********************************************************
Oh, yeah, much better! You might even accentuate it by tweaking the line: "He stares back, giving me his full concentration." to something like: "He lies there on the bed, staring up at me." But, yours added so much more. I'm modifying it to a 5 star.
Comment Written 04-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2014
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Jay, dammit your right. I was running low on words. This tale is down to the Bare bones with not one to spare, in my opinion. But I cleaned it up even more and changed it around a bit to make the man's predicament make more sense. I would love to know if you think the changes make the piece stronger.
Comment from c_lucas
Pay back is to get them high and tnen leave the to suffer the withdrawal; repeat when necessary. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words.
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2014
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Pay back is to get them high and tnen leave the to suffer the withdrawal; repeat when necessary. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words.
Comment Written 04-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2014
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Yup. Payback is hell. Thank you for the e excellent review.
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You're welcome, DB. Charlie
Comment from Spitfire
Wow! I'd hate to get on the wrong side of you.
The story was too practiced, with just the right amount of cracking, shuddering, and tears at the end, but I let it slide.
And therein lies the clue. This guy is looking for suckers as he thinks you are.
A smooth and unexpected slide into the payback scene.
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2014
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Wow! I'd hate to get on the wrong side of you.
The story was too practiced, with just the right amount of cracking, shuddering, and tears at the end, but I let it slide.
And therein lies the clue. This guy is looking for suckers as he thinks you are.
A smooth and unexpected slide into the payback scene.
Comment Written 04-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2014
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Awesome. Thank you for this great review.
Comment from nelliesellie
I love the story. The man hooked her onto drugs. He condemned her to a slow death. She tracked him down. She decided to give him a death caused by the same thing. She is nicer about it. She gave him a quick death. Great work. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2014
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I love the story. The man hooked her onto drugs. He condemned her to a slow death. She tracked him down. She decided to give him a death caused by the same thing. She is nicer about it. She gave him a quick death. Great work. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 04-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2014
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Love is a strong word. This review is much appreciated.
Comment from lindalcreel
Well I didn't see that coming. I thought they would be two lonely people looking for a good time, but you got me towards the end. I guess some things can never be forgiven. To think of fifteen years of having your life stolen. It makes me wonder about all of these teenagers today and where they will be. Great story. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2014
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Well I didn't see that coming. I thought they would be two lonely people looking for a good time, but you got me towards the end. I guess some things can never be forgiven. To think of fifteen years of having your life stolen. It makes me wonder about all of these teenagers today and where they will be. Great story. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 04-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2014
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Thank you for the excellent review. It is much appreciated.
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My pleasure:)
Comment from ravenblack
Why didn't he " just say no"...Well, as if nods off into the black, I'm sure his mind is screaming no. Pushers who start kids down the tracks to track marks deserve an extreme taste of their own candy. He got served...cold. excellent entry.
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2014
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Why didn't he " just say no"...Well, as if nods off into the black, I'm sure his mind is screaming no. Pushers who start kids down the tracks to track marks deserve an extreme taste of their own candy. He got served...cold. excellent entry.
Comment Written 04-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2014
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Lol. Good one. Thanks for the excellent review.
Comment from humpwhistle
It was pretty clear where this story was heading.
Sometimes these prompts do writers a disservice.
We follow them right down an expected track.
I really think you should go back at look at your punctuation, too. Maybe lose the semi-colons.
There are other punctuation problems, too.
Sorry.
Peace, Lee
"That was a pretty powerful story," I say,(period) "Cammie, by the way." I extend my hand. He takes it haltingly with a melancholy smile.
"Kevin.(comma)" He(no cap h) says. "Thanks, it's a hard one to tell. That's the first time I ever said it out loud, in front of a crowd."
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2014
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It was pretty clear where this story was heading.
Sometimes these prompts do writers a disservice.
We follow them right down an expected track.
I really think you should go back at look at your punctuation, too. Maybe lose the semi-colons.
There are other punctuation problems, too.
Sorry.
Peace, Lee
"That was a pretty powerful story," I say,(period) "Cammie, by the way." I extend my hand. He takes it haltingly with a melancholy smile.
"Kevin.(comma)" He(no cap h) says. "Thanks, it's a hard one to tell. That's the first time I ever said it out loud, in front of a crowd."
Comment Written 04-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2014
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HW, thanks for the editing. Yeah this was probably my toughest one to write, because based on the prompt, everyone knows it's a tale of revenge. Kind of hard to keep the cat in the bag so to speak. thanks for the edits, they are much appreciated and I fixed em. thankd for the great review.
Comment from padumachitta
Hi. Wow. This is quite the ride. It certainly didn't go anywhere I thought. Well done. It is a shivering story. The same details make it real...good luck
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2014
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Hi. Wow. This is quite the ride. It certainly didn't go anywhere I thought. Well done. It is a shivering story. The same details make it real...good luck
Comment Written 04-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2014
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Wow. Thank you for the compliments and the excellent review.
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
This is unbelievably marvelous from start to finish. They say that revenge requires patience and in this case she certainly was that to have waited for years to get even. This is a worthy contest entry and an amazing read. I wish you all the best in the voting and thank you so much for sharing this with me.
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2014
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This is unbelievably marvelous from start to finish. They say that revenge requires patience and in this case she certainly was that to have waited for years to get even. This is a worthy contest entry and an amazing read. I wish you all the best in the voting and thank you so much for sharing this with me.
Comment Written 04-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2014
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Thank you for taking the time to read and review. I really appreciate it.