Comment from adewpearl

Excellent

solid rhyming couplets
excellent use of enjambment to keep your story flowing
great use of iambic meter
I love the descriptive detail and the story line
oops, a dry river bed - Sophie should have paid more attention in school LOL
This is wonderfully funny - I am a huge fan of gallows humor, and this fills the bill for me. Great ending. You are wicked, my friend :-) Brooke

 Comment Written 16-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 19-Jan-2014

Thanks, Brooke. The story idea came as I pondered what to write for a 100 word dash, but then the contest filled up before I could book a place.

Yes, I am fond of black humour - I have been reading Hilaire Belloc's Cautionary Tales for Children....

Steve

reply by adewpearl on 19-Jan-2014

I LOVE them!

Comment from jgirlie152

Excellent

This is a very well written and extremely interesting poem of the girl who would jump off a bridge to meet a boy. The strange thing is that this could be a true tale, as young people often just see into the moment for something they truly want. Well done.
Joan

 Comment Written 16-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 19-Jan-2014

Thanks, Joan

Yep, it's a little extreme, but every time you think you've seen it all, someone goes and outdoes all previous stupidity.

Steve

Comment from His Grayness

Excellent

Really delightful Kiwi humor...totally enjoyed this and hope to see more of your work. Don't know where the six inventories are these days as you deserve on for this but I'm all out. Stay tuned and don't be a stranger! Great Work HIS GRAYNESS.....Vance

 Comment Written 16-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 19-Jan-2014

Thanks, Vance

Yes, we Kiwis are known for slightly off the wall humour and the irony in this appealed to my darker side.

Take a trawl through my portfolio if you have the time and inclination - plenty of funny stuff in there.

Steve

Comment from allborn66

Excellent

This is a very interesting piece. The dark humor comes through very clearly. The rhyming scheme enhances the piece. Barbara

 Comment Written 16-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 19-Jan-2014

Thanks, Barbara.

Steve

Comment from tfawcus

Excellent

Another superb poem from the pen of Kiwi Steve. Who'd have guessed what talent lay on the other side of the Tasman? I keep promising that I shall keep a couple of sixes to one side for occasions such as this, but I seem always to find a worthy cause for donations too early in the week. Send it to Specsavers, do! They'll probably employ you as scriptwriter for their next series of ads! They supply my glasses, without which I would be lost. In fact I can now only read the top two lines of the chart without them, which for an ex-aviator is pretty pathetic. There is just a hint of the Cautionary Tales for Children so popular in the 19th century - especially in lines like:
"Have snared her heart in Physics classes,
Where she sits shyly wearing glasses."
and
"But Fate steps in, these plans he wrecks;
If only she had worn her specs,"
Must bookmark this one, I think!

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 Comment Written 16-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 19-Jan-2014

Thanks so much, Tony for the rave review and the virtual six. Yes, we have all kinds of hidden talents on this side of the ditch - didn't we just win the Booker Prize and beat the Indians (well first game of the series, anyway)

I have eyesight issues as well, but nothing Specsavers can help with, alas. If I live long enough I will need a corneal transplant - really looking forward to that!

Funny you should mention Cautionary Tales - I have just written the first of what may be a series of Cautionary Tales for the New Millennium. It's called KayCee Who Grew Too Fond of Mobile Phones - haven't posted it on FS yet because it's been accepted for publication by Page and Spine. Poor KayCee suffers an even worse fate than silly bSophie.

Steve

Comment from Selina Stambi

Excellent

Out of sixes - a virtual one for you, my friend.

Love it! Do go ahead and send it to the optician's - who knows, you may get yourself a sponsor for your work!

Sonali

Where she sits shyly wea(r)ing glasses

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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 16-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 19-Jan-2014

Thanks, Sonali - glad you appreciate this slightly dark and twisted tale.

Steve