Kidnapped
Can Janet afford to pay? Can she afford not too?42 total reviews
Comment from sweetwoodjax
ths is very wel lwritten, sandra, you did an excellent job writing this story about the couple that tried to bilk each other out of the lottery winnings and the wife won the prize. good luck in the contest
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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ths is very wel lwritten, sandra, you did an excellent job writing this story about the couple that tried to bilk each other out of the lottery winnings and the wife won the prize. good luck in the contest
Comment Written 22-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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Thank you so much for your lovely review, Sweetwoodjax! It wasn't in a contest, I am not that brave! LOL, :) xsx Sandra
Comment from Roxanna Andrews
I thought it very well written, though there are a few errors, words left out and such, nothing major. I thought maybe the police weren't really the police but the kidnappers. I thought she would leave a fake bag and then just take off with the real money never to be seen again. You did a good job of fooling me. I'm sure it could be improved upon, but I'm not the best at these things, kids stories are my thing. But I really thought it well done and enjoyed it. Rox
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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I thought it very well written, though there are a few errors, words left out and such, nothing major. I thought maybe the police weren't really the police but the kidnappers. I thought she would leave a fake bag and then just take off with the real money never to be seen again. You did a good job of fooling me. I'm sure it could be improved upon, but I'm not the best at these things, kids stories are my thing. But I really thought it well done and enjoyed it. Rox
Comment Written 21-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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Thank you so much, Roxanna, for taking the time to read it. I am a practicing story writer, not sure I will make the grade though. LOL, Children's stories are more for me as well!! I have made some alterations, and made corrections. It's amazing how much you can miss even when you go over and over it. Thanks again! xsx Sandra
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I know, I always read everything over 20x at least and still miss. It's amazing. That's why i always have someone do my editing or it would be a mess. Thought the story really well done. I enjoyed. Had to see how it ended. =}
Comment from Dawn Munro
Oh my, Sandra, this is verrry well done! I would not change a word! I did begin to think there might be something between the detective, Hugh, and your protagonist, but I thought it would be something developing, not already going on, so that was a wonderful twist! One typo -"...come into my office we will go th(r)ough(-) it..."
An entertaining, delightful romp!
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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Oh my, Sandra, this is verrry well done! I would not change a word! I did begin to think there might be something between the detective, Hugh, and your protagonist, but I thought it would be something developing, not already going on, so that was a wonderful twist! One typo -"...come into my office we will go th(r)ough(-) it..."
An entertaining, delightful romp!
Comment Written 21-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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Aw, thank you, Dawn, that is so nice of you. I have sorted out that typo, you were the only one that saw that, so thank you for pointing it out. I am always nervous when I post a story, with so many professionals on this site. You have made my day. Thank you! :) Sandra
Comment from adewpearl
Reaching over, she grabbed - add comma
typo - you have a period plus a comma after phone ringing
Good morning, Mrs. Crow - add comma for direct address
do what I tell you too - to
Hi, honey, what are you up too - to
A fun story where the con man ends up being on the losing end, which is always gratifying :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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Reaching over, she grabbed - add comma
typo - you have a period plus a comma after phone ringing
Good morning, Mrs. Crow - add comma for direct address
do what I tell you too - to
Hi, honey, what are you up too - to
A fun story where the con man ends up being on the losing end, which is always gratifying :-) Brooke
Comment Written 21-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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Thank you so much for your lovely review, Brooke, and for the help. When is your next spags class starting? I need your help badly! Sandra xsx
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I have a new spag class listed for August 26.
I also have one that begins tonight at 7 and meets twice a week on Monday and Wednesday at 7. If you want to take it, you haven't missed a thing. Just tell Tom you want to register for the class that officially started last week and that it's OK by me. Because of scheduling difficulties with the one guy in the class, we just didn't start on time :-) Brooke
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Hi Brooke, I will enrol for the 26th August, by then we should be straight after our move. Now, our time differences are quite a lot, when I am going to bed, many of you are just getting up. How will that affect me?
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I always accommodate time zone differences - when I have European students. For instance, Robina has taken several of my poetry classes, and I always make sure I have an 11 am or noon class for her, even if it means making two sections of a course. And with grammar courses, it doesn't matter if you're the only one in a section because there is no benefit from class discussions like in poetry courses. I have often taught the spag course to a single student :-)
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That's ok then! How do I enrol? I am really looking forward to this, I've wanted to do it for ages but just didn't have enough to pay for it. Selling our house in Spain has given me the opportunity to do it. :)
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On the purple bar along the top of the page there is a tab for classes between the rankings and contest tabs - just click on it and there will be directions for enrolling. You have to do it through Tom and not me since he handles the finances and computer stuff :-) I look forward to it!! :-)
Comment from jjstar
Second Read
Wonderful job on the edits. There were still a couple of things, but I trust you'll fix them up. Super job!
Their arguments, more frequent lately, and harsher.=======you need to finish this thought...Their arguments, more frequent lately, and harsher, served as a reminder that she needed to get quit being his doormat. (or something..
She now realised this, 'prat' ===no comma after this...
Living on the outskirts of town, but not too far from the police station,(insert comma instead of period)
know what was happening, she had always thought the sun
===here's a comma splice...better to put in a period and then..She had always...
switched the light on, seeing what she wanted ====better to put a period after on. Seeing what she wanted...that's another comma splice..
Mrs Crowe, if you would like to come into m====same thing...Mrs Crowe. If you would like..
These officers will escort you to your car, Mrs Crowe,(better to put in a period. ...then-Once you are...
***********************************************************
What a great story. Too funny that Janet's character began as a poor little lonely housewife, whose husband it appeared may have been having an affair. I predicted how this would end when she was laughing at the bank and the hands weren't shaking. The twist with Hugh??? Priceless! Very well done! I made some suggestions, but I'm afraid they may have gotten a little mixed up. I tried to keep them in order, but that damn little reviewing box didn't give me enough room. If you want to revise and edit a bit, I'll be glad to re-read and adjust stars. :) So well done!
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Comments/suggestions
The quiet composure of her voice was intimidating, and Janet now realised this, 'prat' was deadly serious, furthermore, she knew her Christian name,======maybe try: The quiet composure of her voice intimidated Janet. She now realised this "prat" was deadly serious. Furthermore, she knew her
speaking so calmly, she certainly was not feeling it.====comma splice...try so calmly. She certainly was not feeling it.
won the lottery, that's your problem===comma splice...split into two sentences..
her and stared, had she heard right?
====comma splice...try making Had she heard right a new sentence...or question, rather...lol
Why would he hide it from me?"=====space between this and the next paragraph..
The silence that followed was deafening, Janet held her breath====comma splice...Janet held her breath...
all those semi colons...oy vey...
phone ringing.,===take out the period. :)
use of semi colons....I've been told to avoid it in fiction
"Well,)insert comma) bully for you!
meeting, why did he think I was interested,' she thought, ====I think I'd make the Why did he think a separated sentence...and take out the she thought since it's already in italics showing it's an inner thought...
Their arguments were becoming more frequent just lately and a lot harsher====maybe try:Their arguments, more frequent lately and much more harsh rang in her mind. (or something)
they'd been to, last Saturday.===no need for the comma)
"No, it's not 'bully for me' it's more like====maybe: No, it's not bully for me. It's more like--
"First,(insert comma) you will be at the bank as soon as it opens and order, one million, five hundred ===no comma after order...
Before she had finished ===I'd take out the had
A smile hovered on her lips as she looked at them, then with a childish satisfaction, she went and kicked them under his bed!===lol
thoughts begun=====began
Peter and Janet had led separate lives and no longer slept together.====take out the had
That had started when Peter came home in the early hours====maybe It started when
on the back of the bedroom door; flicking her unruly mass of dark, slightly-greying curly-hair out from inside the collar, =====get rid of the semi..try adding a period..
The detective sat down at the dining table then =======maybe better and then,(insert comma)
I've arranged for an officer to put a trace on your phone," Hugh told her,=====I'd put a period after this instead of a comma
"he will be here directly to set it ===He will...
just speak naturally, we don't want them t=====comma splice...make into two sentences...
and not told me====and didn't tell me...
mirror,(insert comma) noting with grim satisfaction,(insert comma) that
"I'm ready," =====period instead of comma
Janet reached for her car keys,(insert comma) hanging up on a hook behind the hallway cupboard,(insert comma) then went
filling out a form, she ignored him,=====I'd put in a period after the form. She ignored him
she ignored him, and carried on covertly eyeing up the people around her=====She ignored him, covertly eyeing the people around her...
She giggled again,(insert comma) and the man in front of her turned and gave her a puzzled look
Janet had smiled at the reaction her request brought her when she told the ====take out the had...Janet smiled at the reaction brought when she told...
used notes, well that really brought======used notes it really....
"I see, I am really sorry, Mrs Crowe====I see. I am really sorry...
She opened her handbag again and took out a tissue, and held it by her eyes=====She opened her handbag again, took out a tissue and held it...
That's a good idea, I think we could all do with some refreshment.=====That's a good idea. I think..(comma splice)
Lunch out the way and the dishes in the dishwasher,====Lunch out of the way?
calm as she could, she didn't want her=====comma splice..make into two sentences
happening, she had always thought the sun shone out of Peter's..====same thing...two sentences..alwayse though the sun shone out of Peter's ????? Peter's what??
tomorrow just before three o'clock ,(insert comma)taking a
switched the light on, seeing what she wanted was right in front of her,=====maybe better...light on, and seeing what she wanted was ....
The bags were covered in dust, they needed a good clean, inside and out.====comma splice..maybe: The bags were covered in dust and needed a good clean, inside and out...
She muttered quietly, it didn't take her long,====She muttered quietly. It didn't...
She checked out her car, petrol tank was full, she'd only filled it two days ago, next, she opened====She checked out her car. Petrol tank was full. She'd only filled it two days ago...
Janet watched intrigued, as, bundle by bundle ====Janet watched. Intrigued as bundle by bundle,
to your car, Mrs Crowe, once you are in it=====Mrs. Crowe. Once you are in in...
own, those were the instructions=====own. Those were the instructions.
It baffled me for a moment, she seemed so familiar, yet I couldn't understand why until I saw the crown of her hair. it has a very distinctive 'v' shape, she hated it, it didn't matter what she did she could never hide the two partings."
=====It baffled me for a moment. She seemed so familiar, yet I couldn't understand why until I saw the crown of her hair. It has a very distinct 'v' shape. She hated it. It didn't matter what she did. She could never hide the two partings.
Conner stayed on the train, and followed her====no comma
So she did pass it to someone, you said she might.====someone. You said she might.
Sonia's brother, he will probably be on a plane =====Sonia's brother. He will....
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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Second Read
Wonderful job on the edits. There were still a couple of things, but I trust you'll fix them up. Super job!
Their arguments, more frequent lately, and harsher.=======you need to finish this thought...Their arguments, more frequent lately, and harsher, served as a reminder that she needed to get quit being his doormat. (or something..
She now realised this, 'prat' ===no comma after this...
Living on the outskirts of town, but not too far from the police station,(insert comma instead of period)
know what was happening, she had always thought the sun
===here's a comma splice...better to put in a period and then..She had always...
switched the light on, seeing what she wanted ====better to put a period after on. Seeing what she wanted...that's another comma splice..
Mrs Crowe, if you would like to come into m====same thing...Mrs Crowe. If you would like..
These officers will escort you to your car, Mrs Crowe,(better to put in a period. ...then-Once you are...
***********************************************************
What a great story. Too funny that Janet's character began as a poor little lonely housewife, whose husband it appeared may have been having an affair. I predicted how this would end when she was laughing at the bank and the hands weren't shaking. The twist with Hugh??? Priceless! Very well done! I made some suggestions, but I'm afraid they may have gotten a little mixed up. I tried to keep them in order, but that damn little reviewing box didn't give me enough room. If you want to revise and edit a bit, I'll be glad to re-read and adjust stars. :) So well done!
************************************************************
Comments/suggestions
The quiet composure of her voice was intimidating, and Janet now realised this, 'prat' was deadly serious, furthermore, she knew her Christian name,======maybe try: The quiet composure of her voice intimidated Janet. She now realised this "prat" was deadly serious. Furthermore, she knew her
speaking so calmly, she certainly was not feeling it.====comma splice...try so calmly. She certainly was not feeling it.
won the lottery, that's your problem===comma splice...split into two sentences..
her and stared, had she heard right?
====comma splice...try making Had she heard right a new sentence...or question, rather...lol
Why would he hide it from me?"=====space between this and the next paragraph..
The silence that followed was deafening, Janet held her breath====comma splice...Janet held her breath...
all those semi colons...oy vey...
phone ringing.,===take out the period. :)
use of semi colons....I've been told to avoid it in fiction
"Well,)insert comma) bully for you!
meeting, why did he think I was interested,' she thought, ====I think I'd make the Why did he think a separated sentence...and take out the she thought since it's already in italics showing it's an inner thought...
Their arguments were becoming more frequent just lately and a lot harsher====maybe try:Their arguments, more frequent lately and much more harsh rang in her mind. (or something)
they'd been to, last Saturday.===no need for the comma)
"No, it's not 'bully for me' it's more like====maybe: No, it's not bully for me. It's more like--
"First,(insert comma) you will be at the bank as soon as it opens and order, one million, five hundred ===no comma after order...
Before she had finished ===I'd take out the had
A smile hovered on her lips as she looked at them, then with a childish satisfaction, she went and kicked them under his bed!===lol
thoughts begun=====began
Peter and Janet had led separate lives and no longer slept together.====take out the had
That had started when Peter came home in the early hours====maybe It started when
on the back of the bedroom door; flicking her unruly mass of dark, slightly-greying curly-hair out from inside the collar, =====get rid of the semi..try adding a period..
The detective sat down at the dining table then =======maybe better and then,(insert comma)
I've arranged for an officer to put a trace on your phone," Hugh told her,=====I'd put a period after this instead of a comma
"he will be here directly to set it ===He will...
just speak naturally, we don't want them t=====comma splice...make into two sentences...
and not told me====and didn't tell me...
mirror,(insert comma) noting with grim satisfaction,(insert comma) that
"I'm ready," =====period instead of comma
Janet reached for her car keys,(insert comma) hanging up on a hook behind the hallway cupboard,(insert comma) then went
filling out a form, she ignored him,=====I'd put in a period after the form. She ignored him
she ignored him, and carried on covertly eyeing up the people around her=====She ignored him, covertly eyeing the people around her...
She giggled again,(insert comma) and the man in front of her turned and gave her a puzzled look
Janet had smiled at the reaction her request brought her when she told the ====take out the had...Janet smiled at the reaction brought when she told...
used notes, well that really brought======used notes it really....
"I see, I am really sorry, Mrs Crowe====I see. I am really sorry...
She opened her handbag again and took out a tissue, and held it by her eyes=====She opened her handbag again, took out a tissue and held it...
That's a good idea, I think we could all do with some refreshment.=====That's a good idea. I think..(comma splice)
Lunch out the way and the dishes in the dishwasher,====Lunch out of the way?
calm as she could, she didn't want her=====comma splice..make into two sentences
happening, she had always thought the sun shone out of Peter's..====same thing...two sentences..alwayse though the sun shone out of Peter's ????? Peter's what??
tomorrow just before three o'clock ,(insert comma)taking a
switched the light on, seeing what she wanted was right in front of her,=====maybe better...light on, and seeing what she wanted was ....
The bags were covered in dust, they needed a good clean, inside and out.====comma splice..maybe: The bags were covered in dust and needed a good clean, inside and out...
She muttered quietly, it didn't take her long,====She muttered quietly. It didn't...
She checked out her car, petrol tank was full, she'd only filled it two days ago, next, she opened====She checked out her car. Petrol tank was full. She'd only filled it two days ago...
Janet watched intrigued, as, bundle by bundle ====Janet watched. Intrigued as bundle by bundle,
to your car, Mrs Crowe, once you are in it=====Mrs. Crowe. Once you are in in...
own, those were the instructions=====own. Those were the instructions.
It baffled me for a moment, she seemed so familiar, yet I couldn't understand why until I saw the crown of her hair. it has a very distinctive 'v' shape, she hated it, it didn't matter what she did she could never hide the two partings."
=====It baffled me for a moment. She seemed so familiar, yet I couldn't understand why until I saw the crown of her hair. It has a very distinct 'v' shape. She hated it. It didn't matter what she did. She could never hide the two partings.
Conner stayed on the train, and followed her====no comma
So she did pass it to someone, you said she might.====someone. You said she might.
Sonia's brother, he will probably be on a plane =====Sonia's brother. He will....
Comment Written 21-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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Gosh!! Thank you so very, very much!! You are amazing, thank you for going over my story with a fine tooth comb. I have taken all your suggestions and made the changes. Only one thing I wasn't sure of and that was when you put, comma (splice). What did that mean? That will tell you what level of grammar I'm at.
You put a ? mark at the end of, ...Lunch out of the way...
It is an English expression. "Let's get lunch out of the way and then we can...
Also, ... the sun shone out of Peter's backside...LOL, another English expression. I wasn't sure about putting it in, but then, why not?
I honestly can't thank you enough for this outstanding review, you have been such a help. xsx Sandra
Comment from Gungalo
Serves them right I say. LOL, a perfect plan and no one to bother them over it. A million ad a half. Pretty good odds I'd say.
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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Serves them right I say. LOL, a perfect plan and no one to bother them over it. A million ad a half. Pretty good odds I'd say.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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I wouldn't mind a bit of it! LOL, thank you, Gungalo for taking the time to read this story. I made loads of mistakes, but think I have them all now. (I hope!) xsx Sandra
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Smile.
Comment from in777wr#
A very dramatic story. This is a interesting set-up that you have with Janet and Peter. There are a lot of elements in this story that makes it interesting. I was thinking that Janet, would plot to keep the money, not Hugh. There was one small thing, in one sentence you wrote,"We have everything ready, Mrs.. Crowe, if you would like to come into my office we will go thought it with you", instead of go through with you. That is my only question with this piece.
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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A very dramatic story. This is a interesting set-up that you have with Janet and Peter. There are a lot of elements in this story that makes it interesting. I was thinking that Janet, would plot to keep the money, not Hugh. There was one small thing, in one sentence you wrote,"We have everything ready, Mrs.. Crowe, if you would like to come into my office we will go thought it with you", instead of go through with you. That is my only question with this piece.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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Thank you so much for this lovely review. I have been back and changed that word, it should have been: We shall go through it...
you were right to question that, and thank you for doing so. I am pleased you liked it to! :) Sandra xsx
Comment from Zue65
You deserved a six stars for this story, it aroused my interest from beginning to end and put me on edge. It was full of action and the tension is building in every scene. The complications introduced were very creative and the structure of the story was solid. Well done, God bless,
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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You deserved a six stars for this story, it aroused my interest from beginning to end and put me on edge. It was full of action and the tension is building in every scene. The complications introduced were very creative and the structure of the story was solid. Well done, God bless,
Comment Written 21-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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What a lovely review, thank you so very much, Nassus, you are so kind. And another big thank you for all those stars!! I am really pleased you enjoyed it. xsx Sandra
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Mistake?
We both have our own passwords for our own accounts, but if this man [woman] is right and the details he[she] has given me are true, then Peter has an account that I don't know about. We will see when I go to the bank."
It was a woman that called right?
I like it Sandra. I suspected she had switched bags but didn't suspect Hugh was in on it. LOL Very well done my dear friend. xsx Nancy
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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Mistake?
We both have our own passwords for our own accounts, but if this man [woman] is right and the details he[she] has given me are true, then Peter has an account that I don't know about. We will see when I go to the bank."
It was a woman that called right?
I like it Sandra. I suspected she had switched bags but didn't suspect Hugh was in on it. LOL Very well done my dear friend. xsx Nancy
Comment Written 21-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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LOL, I know!! I did start the story with a 'he' and much later changed him to a her. But, when I went back to change it all some were missed! I was so nervous putting this on, Nancy, there are some really good writers on here, and here is me, a children's poetry story teller, trying to write a story!! I am so pleased you liked it, thank you so much my dear friend, and a big hug for the 6 stars!! xsx Sandra
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No worries Sandra. You are a very good Author. All of them make mistakes. I even find them sometimes. LOL You did great. I loved it! Nancy
Comment from firdousy
An excellent story with a
suspence from the very first.
The mode of narration is just amezing.
It has a lot of drama
I like it very much.
Thanks for sharing it.
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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An excellent story with a
suspence from the very first.
The mode of narration is just amezing.
It has a lot of drama
I like it very much.
Thanks for sharing it.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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That is so nice of you to write such an amazing review like this, thank you so very much! :) Sandra xsx