Rabbit
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "Life Goes On"A Boy's Story of the rural South
43 total reviews
Comment from Judy Couch
I love reading the stories about Rabbit. This one is kind of a tear jerker. There is one sentence you need to look at. "We just sat their quietly for the rest of the trip." It should be "there". Probably just a typo but you might want to change it before you send this to a publisher or an agent. This is an excellent story and should be published.
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2013
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I love reading the stories about Rabbit. This one is kind of a tear jerker. There is one sentence you need to look at. "We just sat their quietly for the rest of the trip." It should be "there". Probably just a typo but you might want to change it before you send this to a publisher or an agent. This is an excellent story and should be published.
Comment Written 12-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2013
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Thank you for reading Judy and for the spot. A small, internal goal for me is to post a story without an error. Probably never happen. I do hope I can get this published. As written, it's more of a novella. Warm regards, Bill
Comment from alexgeorge
Funny you should say that: when I first looked upon my son I thought he looked like a squashed frog. Doctor said, 'well done, you have a pretty boy.' Thankfully, later on his face lost its blue hue and became more rounded and babyish.
Poor Virge. I liked the old man.
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2013
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Funny you should say that: when I first looked upon my son I thought he looked like a squashed frog. Doctor said, 'well done, you have a pretty boy.' Thankfully, later on his face lost its blue hue and became more rounded and babyish.
Poor Virge. I liked the old man.
Comment Written 12-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2013
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Thanks for reading Alex. I was going to write some other chapters, but it just seemed right to end. Bill
Comment from barkingdog
I saw and heard the choir and thought the note Virge wrote to Rabbit was touching and giving him his knife was perfect.
It would be just like Virge to be climbing up on a roof at his age. Dying in his bed like an old man wouldn't have been his style.(I realize he contracted pneumonia from the broken ribs, but that's not the same as withering away weak and miserable for years.)
I only caught one comma missing.
-I know you would have(,) Rabbit.
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2013
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I saw and heard the choir and thought the note Virge wrote to Rabbit was touching and giving him his knife was perfect.
It would be just like Virge to be climbing up on a roof at his age. Dying in his bed like an old man wouldn't have been his style.(I realize he contracted pneumonia from the broken ribs, but that's not the same as withering away weak and miserable for years.)
I only caught one comma missing.
-I know you would have(,) Rabbit.
Comment Written 12-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2013
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Thank you very much for reading, your comments and suggestion. I appreciate all! Bill
Comment from N.K. Wagner
This is as close to a stand-alone story as you're likely to get, Bill. What a wonderful tribute to Virge. Sad and happy all at the same time. Beautifully told. :) nancy
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2013
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This is as close to a stand-alone story as you're likely to get, Bill. What a wonderful tribute to Virge. Sad and happy all at the same time. Beautifully told. :) nancy
Comment Written 12-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2013
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Thanks for reading Nancy and the wonderful compliment of the six. Warm regards, Bill
Comment from Neil A Morrow
Hi bhogg, not my usual kind of genre but it still held my attention from the start until finish. Great descriptions made the visual aspect of your story very vivid in my mind's eye. Good credible dialogue completed the enjoyable experience of reading your work. Well done!
Neil
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2013
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Hi bhogg, not my usual kind of genre but it still held my attention from the start until finish. Great descriptions made the visual aspect of your story very vivid in my mind's eye. Good credible dialogue completed the enjoyable experience of reading your work. Well done!
Neil
Comment Written 12-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2013
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Thanks for reading Neil and for getting outside of your genre. Regards, Bill
Comment from chasennov
Rabbit. 'Life Goes On.' An excellent chapter you have written here, and I enjoyed reading it. I thought it was well formulated once more.
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2013
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Rabbit. 'Life Goes On.' An excellent chapter you have written here, and I enjoyed reading it. I thought it was well formulated once more.
Comment Written 12-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2013
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Thanks for reading and for following this novel. Regards, Bill
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You're most welcome, Bill.
Comment from Zue65
Rabbit surely is matured for his age, his values were far admirable compared to any kids of his age. Virge taught him well, far more understanding than his own grandparents who did not attend the funeral service, just because Virge is black and it is a Negro service, and even if they paid for Virge' hospital and funeral bills, to snub the funeral service leaves a bad taste. And Rabbit just can't understand the irony, because he attended church services with Virge more than 3 times and made friends with Virge's fellow church goers and the Pastor. It was remarkable when Rabbit said, he just have to close his eyes to remember Virge, so he refused to view Virge's casket. I cried as Rabbit read the note from Virge, given by Carrie. Virge must have known he would die soon and even joked about it in the letter, and asked Rabbit to think about Virge with a big smile. Rabbit learned the value of telling the truth from Virge and he will grow up to be fine young man with Virge's shadow to guide him. Excellent.
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2013
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Rabbit surely is matured for his age, his values were far admirable compared to any kids of his age. Virge taught him well, far more understanding than his own grandparents who did not attend the funeral service, just because Virge is black and it is a Negro service, and even if they paid for Virge' hospital and funeral bills, to snub the funeral service leaves a bad taste. And Rabbit just can't understand the irony, because he attended church services with Virge more than 3 times and made friends with Virge's fellow church goers and the Pastor. It was remarkable when Rabbit said, he just have to close his eyes to remember Virge, so he refused to view Virge's casket. I cried as Rabbit read the note from Virge, given by Carrie. Virge must have known he would die soon and even joked about it in the letter, and asked Rabbit to think about Virge with a big smile. Rabbit learned the value of telling the truth from Virge and he will grow up to be fine young man with Virge's shadow to guide him. Excellent.
Comment Written 12-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2013
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Thank you so much for reading and for your kind feedback. I was actually sorry to end the novel. I enjoyed writing. A piece of fiction, but lots of personal background here. Bill
Comment from CrystieCookie999
This seems to be very authentic in voice and characterization.
I would point out:
mama doesn't want to travel.
Capitalize 'mama' as that is her title, as if it were taking the place of her name.
My mom actually gave me a big hug the other day, because I changed her diapers.
I think you need to include the name of the sister here somewhere, because for a moment when I read this, I thought Rabbit/Billy had changed his mother's diapers.
Bobby Joe Herlong
I think this might look better spelled Bobbie Joe, but whatever is most common for the locale can win out.
Indeed young man, indeed
I would put a comma after the first "Indeed"
My dad, pulled a handkerchief
Don't need a comma after 'dad'
ol Virge
I would either say:
ol' Virge
or
ole Virge
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2013
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This seems to be very authentic in voice and characterization.
I would point out:
mama doesn't want to travel.
Capitalize 'mama' as that is her title, as if it were taking the place of her name.
My mom actually gave me a big hug the other day, because I changed her diapers.
I think you need to include the name of the sister here somewhere, because for a moment when I read this, I thought Rabbit/Billy had changed his mother's diapers.
Bobby Joe Herlong
I think this might look better spelled Bobbie Joe, but whatever is most common for the locale can win out.
Indeed young man, indeed
I would put a comma after the first "Indeed"
My dad, pulled a handkerchief
Don't need a comma after 'dad'
ol Virge
I would either say:
ol' Virge
or
ole Virge
Comment Written 12-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2013
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Thanks for reading and your suggestions. I'm always appreciative when people take the time to help. Warm regards, Bill
Comment from adewpearl
mama doesn't want to travel - Mama
decided that mom would stay home - Mom
I know you would have, Rabbit - add comma for direct address
left over's - drop the apostrophe
My dad, pulled his handkerchief out - drop the comma
I'm crying too much to say anything. You get my final six of the week. That's going to have to suffice. Brooke
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2013
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mama doesn't want to travel - Mama
decided that mom would stay home - Mom
I know you would have, Rabbit - add comma for direct address
left over's - drop the apostrophe
My dad, pulled his handkerchief out - drop the comma
I'm crying too much to say anything. You get my final six of the week. That's going to have to suffice. Brooke
Comment Written 11-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2013
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Thank you for reading Brooke and for your continued support. I appreciate you! Always warm regards, Bill
Comment from marion
Hi bhogg
Once again, your work is a pleasure to read. Here are a few comments.
Love this:
"Awake, awake, the dawn is here, the air is full of atmosphere." I wish he'd just yell, "Cockle, Doodle, Doo."
My mom actually gave me a big hug the other day, because I changed her diapers. (I don't think you changed your mom's diapers!) Suggest: My mom actually gave me a big hug the other day, because I changed my sister's diapers.
I'll bring you some iced tea.(")
There are a few areas with I feel there is a shift in tense when there should not be? Eg:
I was even more confused when I found out that my grandparents paid for Virge's hospital stay and for his funeral. I don't know. There's just a lot of stuff I (didn't) don't understand.
I found this chapter well written, but not to the point I felt any strong emotion, like I wanted to cry or felt an overwhelming sense of sadness, and wonder if this could have been intensified through the writing.
Never-the-less, a well written chapter.
Marion
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2013
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Hi bhogg
Once again, your work is a pleasure to read. Here are a few comments.
Love this:
"Awake, awake, the dawn is here, the air is full of atmosphere." I wish he'd just yell, "Cockle, Doodle, Doo."
My mom actually gave me a big hug the other day, because I changed her diapers. (I don't think you changed your mom's diapers!) Suggest: My mom actually gave me a big hug the other day, because I changed my sister's diapers.
I'll bring you some iced tea.(")
There are a few areas with I feel there is a shift in tense when there should not be? Eg:
I was even more confused when I found out that my grandparents paid for Virge's hospital stay and for his funeral. I don't know. There's just a lot of stuff I (didn't) don't understand.
I found this chapter well written, but not to the point I felt any strong emotion, like I wanted to cry or felt an overwhelming sense of sadness, and wonder if this could have been intensified through the writing.
Never-the-less, a well written chapter.
Marion
Comment Written 11-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2013
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Thanks for reading Marion and for the suggestions. I always appreciate it when people take the time to read and offer constructive suggestions. All of yours were taken! Bill
