Rabbit
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Thinking of You"A Boy's Story of the rural South
39 total reviews
Comment from humpwhistle
Your story is really starting to gel, Bill. I like your voice--the way you maintain the child even in the narrative.
I also like the way you return to Virge at the end of this chapter--looking for perspective. I know you claim this is a novel, but I suspect it's largely hoggwhistle.
Peace, Lee
Bill, how about telling us how many weeks you weren't allowed to go to the matinee? Readers love specifics--they make the story more concrete.
I don't know exactly what that meant.--Bill a little conflict here.
I think you might choose between
'didn't know what that meant'
or
'don't know what that means.'
'Sweetie, your uncle(')s not here...'
All of a sudden, the breeze (died).
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2013
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Your story is really starting to gel, Bill. I like your voice--the way you maintain the child even in the narrative.
I also like the way you return to Virge at the end of this chapter--looking for perspective. I know you claim this is a novel, but I suspect it's largely hoggwhistle.
Peace, Lee
Bill, how about telling us how many weeks you weren't allowed to go to the matinee? Readers love specifics--they make the story more concrete.
I don't know exactly what that meant.--Bill a little conflict here.
I think you might choose between
'didn't know what that meant'
or
'don't know what that means.'
'Sweetie, your uncle(')s not here...'
All of a sudden, the breeze (died).
Comment Written 05-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2013
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Thanks Lee - guilty as charged, lots of hoggwhistle. Thanks also for spots and suggestions. Bill
Comment from willowwaly
"It was good to be out of grandpa's doghouse. When I took his gun out of the sock drawer and blew a hole through the mirror, my Saturday movie matinees came to a temporary halt. He gave me extra chores to do around the house to pay for the mirror." This seems a bit out of order. Maybe it should be like this:
"When I took grandpas gun out of the sock drawer and blew a hole through the mirror, my Saturday movie matinees came to a temporary halt. He gave me extra chores to do around the house to pay for it. Now I'm glad to be out of his doghouse.'
This story has a unique voice and was a great read. Thank you :)
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2013
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"It was good to be out of grandpa's doghouse. When I took his gun out of the sock drawer and blew a hole through the mirror, my Saturday movie matinees came to a temporary halt. He gave me extra chores to do around the house to pay for the mirror." This seems a bit out of order. Maybe it should be like this:
"When I took grandpas gun out of the sock drawer and blew a hole through the mirror, my Saturday movie matinees came to a temporary halt. He gave me extra chores to do around the house to pay for it. Now I'm glad to be out of his doghouse.'
This story has a unique voice and was a great read. Thank you :)
Comment Written 05-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2013
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Thank you very much for reading and the kind feedback. I appreciate both. Bill
Comment from GWHARGIS
Poor Rabbit missed out on the big reveal. It's funny how the city girl is moving on a whole different speed that the poor boy. Although, knowing boys, he would have come up with the idea before too long. Very good description of her reactions to things that made him stand in awe. Nice job.
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2013
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Poor Rabbit missed out on the big reveal. It's funny how the city girl is moving on a whole different speed that the poor boy. Although, knowing boys, he would have come up with the idea before too long. Very good description of her reactions to things that made him stand in awe. Nice job.
Comment Written 05-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2013
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Thank you! I appreciate you reading and for your kind feedback. Regards, Bill
Comment from RominaItalia
I can't wait to read the previous chapters! I could see this movie playing in my mind as I read! And you got me at that last line :). You made me laugh: "My friend, Virge, claimed that most likely, what was removed was brains and good looks." You made me reminice: "Unh, they call those things escalators. I live in Jacksonville. We've got plenty of them." Well, perhaps they are a big thing in Florida, but here in LaGrange, Georgia, they were unique. It was the only one I'd ever seen." You made me gasp: "I reckon that we probably are." We just rocked for awhile before Carol spoke again. "Have you ever seen a girl's private parts?" And you reminded me of innocence: "Last month, you told me that it used to be legal to own people, that your own momma was a slave. It don't make any sense to be allowed to own somebody and not be able to marry your cousin."
Great piece!
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2013
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I can't wait to read the previous chapters! I could see this movie playing in my mind as I read! And you got me at that last line :). You made me laugh: "My friend, Virge, claimed that most likely, what was removed was brains and good looks." You made me reminice: "Unh, they call those things escalators. I live in Jacksonville. We've got plenty of them." Well, perhaps they are a big thing in Florida, but here in LaGrange, Georgia, they were unique. It was the only one I'd ever seen." You made me gasp: "I reckon that we probably are." We just rocked for awhile before Carol spoke again. "Have you ever seen a girl's private parts?" And you reminded me of innocence: "Last month, you told me that it used to be legal to own people, that your own momma was a slave. It don't make any sense to be allowed to own somebody and not be able to marry your cousin."
Great piece!
Comment Written 05-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2013
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Thanks for reading and your comments! I hope you do get a chance to circle back. Bill
Comment from Righteous Riter
This is a good story that brings a lot of interest to the readers mind. Some where or another in every ones life can relate to going to spend time with the grandparents. The writer does a good job of leading the reader to one place then taking the reader to another. The writer does a good job tying in all the facts to peak the reader interest even more. The writer ends this with irony and innocence. Good work.
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2013
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This is a good story that brings a lot of interest to the readers mind. Some where or another in every ones life can relate to going to spend time with the grandparents. The writer does a good job of leading the reader to one place then taking the reader to another. The writer does a good job tying in all the facts to peak the reader interest even more. The writer ends this with irony and innocence. Good work.
Comment Written 05-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2013
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Thank you very much for reading and your kind words. A lot of my work has involved my grandparents. Bill
Comment from Carolyn 'Deaton' Stephens
Kids will be kids......... This is the first of your work I have read. I like the flow of the story it kept my interest from beginning to end. And, it did seem 'stand alone' in its nature. Rabbit is a fine, adventurous little fellow. I look forward to reading more about him and the extended family. :-)
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2013
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Kids will be kids......... This is the first of your work I have read. I like the flow of the story it kept my interest from beginning to end. And, it did seem 'stand alone' in its nature. Rabbit is a fine, adventurous little fellow. I look forward to reading more about him and the extended family. :-)
Comment Written 05-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2013
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Thanks for reading. If you ever have a few minutes, circle back to earlier chapters. Chapter 1 explains the nickname. Bill
Comment from James crofoot
well written and a pleasure to read. Weren't those simpler times. That was very funny about the private parts, just lets see each others to see how they're different. I was cracking up. Dude, write some more!!!! ahaha
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2013
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well written and a pleasure to read. Weren't those simpler times. That was very funny about the private parts, just lets see each others to see how they're different. I was cracking up. Dude, write some more!!!! ahaha
Comment Written 05-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2013
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Thanks for reading James and for the review that brought a smile my way! Bill
Comment from aprivitt
I like this chapter and it was easy to follow. I haven't read the other chapters yet but I will. I'm glad you had the author notes with the list of characters because it helped. Good luck with the rest. I can't wait to read the previous chapters.
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reply by the author on 05-Feb-2013
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I like this chapter and it was easy to follow. I haven't read the other chapters yet but I will. I'm glad you had the author notes with the list of characters because it helped. Good luck with the rest. I can't wait to read the previous chapters.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2013
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Thank you for reading. I hope you do get a chance to circle back. Regards, Bill
Comment from beccabootie123
that was a great story. totally enjoyed reading it or enjoying it. the ending was a cute surprise. playing with the gun he just got punished by doing chores, nowadays parents would have freaked out. well written, setting and characters easily visualized. thank you
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reply by the author on 05-Feb-2013
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that was a great story. totally enjoyed reading it or enjoying it. the ending was a cute surprise. playing with the gun he just got punished by doing chores, nowadays parents would have freaked out. well written, setting and characters easily visualized. thank you
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2013
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Thank you for reading. The gun story actually takes place in chapter two. Regards, Bill
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welcome
