Life Passes By
a contest entry33 total reviews
Comment from Cindy Warren
You have lots of good ideas, but it flips around too much for a piece this length. It needs to be more focused. This could be three different stories.
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2012
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You have lots of good ideas, but it flips around too much for a piece this length. It needs to be more focused. This could be three different stories.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2012
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I edited the story to make clearer that the life of the priest was passing before his eyes before he was murdered. Is that clearer now? Thanks for your review.
Comment from samandlancelot
Your story has many twists and shocking events. I think your story is very good, but there is also room to make this a powerful story that could win this contest.
I struggled to comprehend the italicized portion at first, not sure if it was about the young man confessing or the priest. I think the story would flow better if there was a bit more detail in the transition to the backstory.
Also, there didn't seem to be much about Tim & Jack's past that gave any clues to what happened in their future. There was the reason why Tim was a priest (the second son & his mother's expectations), but there wasn't a struggle about those expectations in the backstory.
There wasn't anything that showed a struggle with Jack's sexuality in your backstory. There are plenty of boys that aren't good at sports and aren't gay. If these brothers were close, it seems to me that there would have been signs.
It's good to surprise the reader, but the clues need to be there someplace.
I also felt that the climax in your story was rushed. Jack saw his brother dead, but there was no struggle in his emotions on his way there or after he saw the horror.
I know I've shared a lot that seems negative. I hope you are okay with that.
"Then go to your room, then. This is adult talk." (Delete either of 'then')
"Yeah, you would (have) never guessed,
Patricia
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2012
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Your story has many twists and shocking events. I think your story is very good, but there is also room to make this a powerful story that could win this contest.
I struggled to comprehend the italicized portion at first, not sure if it was about the young man confessing or the priest. I think the story would flow better if there was a bit more detail in the transition to the backstory.
Also, there didn't seem to be much about Tim & Jack's past that gave any clues to what happened in their future. There was the reason why Tim was a priest (the second son & his mother's expectations), but there wasn't a struggle about those expectations in the backstory.
There wasn't anything that showed a struggle with Jack's sexuality in your backstory. There are plenty of boys that aren't good at sports and aren't gay. If these brothers were close, it seems to me that there would have been signs.
It's good to surprise the reader, but the clues need to be there someplace.
I also felt that the climax in your story was rushed. Jack saw his brother dead, but there was no struggle in his emotions on his way there or after he saw the horror.
I know I've shared a lot that seems negative. I hope you are okay with that.
"Then go to your room, then. This is adult talk." (Delete either of 'then')
"Yeah, you would (have) never guessed,
Patricia
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2012
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I edited according to your review. Would you be so kind as to take a second look? Thanks for your detailed review.
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I like the extra emotion you added with Jack & the murder scene. The transition to Tim's memory was clear. Just a few more things I noticed.
Jack always came to Timmy's rescue, but why did he (is he Jack or Timmy) have to accept Timmy's mother's (change Timmy's to their)expectations for him? (Knowing the story, I wonder if Timmy questions why he himself accepts their mother's expectations or is he angry at his brother because his brother doesn't stand up for him in this ares. I wasn't sure.)
How did (change 'did' to 'could') he tell her he really didn't want to be a priest?
...I kinda of (delete 'of' or change 'kinda' to 'kind') enjoyed it
The nausea had reach (reached) above Jack's neck and he had a pounding headache.
Captain Flanigan could (delete 'could') felt the bile in the back of his throat.
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I yet changed it again. How is it now?
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Jack always came to Timmy's rescue, but why did he have to accept Timmy's mother's expectations for him? (this one still wasn't changed)
"Look after Tim (I just noticed the power in this - Jack failed to protect his brother. Very good!)
Make that final change & I'll raise your rating to five stars.
Patricia
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OK, it took me a while to understand this one, but now I understand it. How does it read now? Thanks for helping clean this up.
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Perfect! I raised your rating to five stars. Patricia
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Thanks again, Patricia.
Comment from c_lucas
You did a perfect job in building your characters. As usual your prose is well written and has a smooth flow of words, making for an interesting read. Very good job.
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2012
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You did a perfect job in building your characters. As usual your prose is well written and has a smooth flow of words, making for an interesting read. Very good job.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2012
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Thanks for an exceptional review; this piece has been lodged in my brain for months. I'm sending you a PM.
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you're welcome, Alvin. Charlie