Old Decrepit Woman Revised.
Written about a painting I saw.177 total reviews
Comment from Carolyn 12
Very well said. After reading your author notes your poem made even more sense. So, I read it again and could visualzie what you saw. Well done
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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Very well said. After reading your author notes your poem made even more sense. So, I read it again and could visualzie what you saw. Well done
Comment Written 26-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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Thank you Carolyn.
Comment from Blue Diamond
Powerful work clearly inspired by more than the painting you saw.
Old yet with her baby?
Hold on? To defy inevitable death?
Only the innocent die? (young)
The inconsistencies stopped me awarding 5 stars.
Thanks for explaining an Ekprhastic.
Love...H x
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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Powerful work clearly inspired by more than the painting you saw.
Old yet with her baby?
Hold on? To defy inevitable death?
Only the innocent die? (young)
The inconsistencies stopped me awarding 5 stars.
Thanks for explaining an Ekprhastic.
Love...H x
Comment Written 26-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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Thank you Diamond.
Comment from Causey
By reading the authors notes, it eliminates me from being your old desecrate woman. Yes your poem truly describes the woman in the picture. She has seen really hard times by the look on her face. I hope I don't look like this when Imam about to meet my maker. Anyway your poems describes it all. Very well done, enjoyed reading your Old Decrepit Woman.
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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By reading the authors notes, it eliminates me from being your old desecrate woman. Yes your poem truly describes the woman in the picture. She has seen really hard times by the look on her face. I hope I don't look like this when Imam about to meet my maker. Anyway your poems describes it all. Very well done, enjoyed reading your Old Decrepit Woman.
Comment Written 26-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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Thank you Causey.
Comment from Dutchie
Beautiful poem with strong emotions. It tells us of the suffering from a woman in Mexico where the human rights are violated. A very sad story, which has to be told to make us aware of the position of women there.The repeating line emphasis the emotions. The artwork is very well chosen. Great job. Fia
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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Beautiful poem with strong emotions. It tells us of the suffering from a woman in Mexico where the human rights are violated. A very sad story, which has to be told to make us aware of the position of women there.The repeating line emphasis the emotions. The artwork is very well chosen. Great job. Fia
Comment Written 26-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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Thank you fia.
Comment from rama devi
Old decrepit woman, the woes of all my prayers and grieving.
nice opening
Still shivering in your silence as you hold your bruised and beaten baby.
Potent phrasing with fine alliteration and consonance...descriptive and well defined
*Old decrepit woman, perishing in the sweltering Mexican sands.
Good setting of the scene but I do not think the repetition works well at all.
Suggest trimming this and making it a continuation of previous line:
Still shivering in your silence as you hold your bruised and beaten baby,
perishing in the sweltering Mexican sands.
*
Hold on(,) dear lady.
*
Old decrepit woman, weltering, ravished and ripped apart
.
Like a raisin losing its breath.
Dramatic--but unrealistic as raisons do not breathe! Maybe use a different phraseology but keep the raisin?
For example:
like a shriveling raisin.
Old decrepit woman, here comes putrid Poseidon.
good alliteration--here the repetition works fine.--intermittently using the old decrepit woman line is okay--but you have far overdone it in this and it distracts the reader from the flow in the poem.
Poor Daughter of Eve, prepare yourself for death.
Potent line
*
Old decrepit woman, they've thrown you into the snake pit. (repetition is redundant here)
They've stolen all of your possessions and all of your land.
So SAD!
Old decrepit woman, now decaying with worms in the terrible terrain.
Good descriptive and alliteration, too
Oh yes, you poor soul, it was all planned.
nice random rhyme and conversational empathic tone.
Old decrepit woman, your soul cries goodbye. (here the repetition works fine)
*In this closing line, it is redundant-
Old decrepit woman, it is always the innocent ones who must die.
The closing line is powerful but would be even better trimmed (i think).
suggest:
It is always innocent ones who die.
This poem has powerful potential but has not yet reached it. I hope you do consider some of these suggestions and fine tune and polish this.
The feeling is exquisite. the style and phrasing need work.
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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Old decrepit woman, the woes of all my prayers and grieving.
nice opening
Still shivering in your silence as you hold your bruised and beaten baby.
Potent phrasing with fine alliteration and consonance...descriptive and well defined
*Old decrepit woman, perishing in the sweltering Mexican sands.
Good setting of the scene but I do not think the repetition works well at all.
Suggest trimming this and making it a continuation of previous line:
Still shivering in your silence as you hold your bruised and beaten baby,
perishing in the sweltering Mexican sands.
*
Hold on(,) dear lady.
*
Old decrepit woman, weltering, ravished and ripped apart
.
Like a raisin losing its breath.
Dramatic--but unrealistic as raisons do not breathe! Maybe use a different phraseology but keep the raisin?
For example:
like a shriveling raisin.
Old decrepit woman, here comes putrid Poseidon.
good alliteration--here the repetition works fine.--intermittently using the old decrepit woman line is okay--but you have far overdone it in this and it distracts the reader from the flow in the poem.
Poor Daughter of Eve, prepare yourself for death.
Potent line
*
Old decrepit woman, they've thrown you into the snake pit. (repetition is redundant here)
They've stolen all of your possessions and all of your land.
So SAD!
Old decrepit woman, now decaying with worms in the terrible terrain.
Good descriptive and alliteration, too
Oh yes, you poor soul, it was all planned.
nice random rhyme and conversational empathic tone.
Old decrepit woman, your soul cries goodbye. (here the repetition works fine)
*In this closing line, it is redundant-
Old decrepit woman, it is always the innocent ones who must die.
The closing line is powerful but would be even better trimmed (i think).
suggest:
It is always innocent ones who die.
This poem has powerful potential but has not yet reached it. I hope you do consider some of these suggestions and fine tune and polish this.
The feeling is exquisite. the style and phrasing need work.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 26-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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Thank you Devi.
Comment from Silvanavis
Hello,
This poem really painted not just a picture in my head, but a scene. I can feel the dry heat coming in waves off the sand. The line that struck me as most interesting, however, was the third. Is she holding a real baby, her child, and if so how old is she really? Or perhaps the baby symbolizes her innocence.
~Amber
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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Hello,
This poem really painted not just a picture in my head, but a scene. I can feel the dry heat coming in waves off the sand. The line that struck me as most interesting, however, was the third. Is she holding a real baby, her child, and if so how old is she really? Or perhaps the baby symbolizes her innocence.
~Amber
Comment Written 26-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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Thank you Amber. The baby is supposed to be her grandchild.
Comment from Kingsland
There are things I liked about this poem and some things I didn't like. I liked the flow you found to write your thoughts in. Your formatting was well conceived. What I didn't like about this was the repetition of old decrepit woman. You could remove a few of those and still have a very good poem with the same thought process. Also, the line... Like a raisin losing its breath. Raisins don't breathe. Other than that this was a good poem.I think it needs a few revisions to bring it up to a five star piece of poetry. Keep writing, for poetry is a love or words and the artistry of arranging them... John
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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There are things I liked about this poem and some things I didn't like. I liked the flow you found to write your thoughts in. Your formatting was well conceived. What I didn't like about this was the repetition of old decrepit woman. You could remove a few of those and still have a very good poem with the same thought process. Also, the line... Like a raisin losing its breath. Raisins don't breathe. Other than that this was a good poem.I think it needs a few revisions to bring it up to a five star piece of poetry. Keep writing, for poetry is a love or words and the artistry of arranging them... John
Comment Written 26-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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Thank you John.
Comment from e-EL
I guess that painting really inspired you. Good job! I guess the poem emits sadness in a way.
By the way, I want to ask about Poseidon's relevance in the poem, Poseidon's the god of the sea right? And Hades for the underworld/ So what does Poseidon has to do with the old woman's death? I would be really thankful if you can answer me..thanks...
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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I guess that painting really inspired you. Good job! I guess the poem emits sadness in a way.
By the way, I want to ask about Poseidon's relevance in the poem, Poseidon's the god of the sea right? And Hades for the underworld/ So what does Poseidon has to do with the old woman's death? I would be really thankful if you can answer me..thanks...
Comment Written 26-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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Thank you. They were really just references to death.
Comment from Alissa D
I like this poem and your style of writing. I am also glad it wasn't written about a real person. Sadly there are people who go through this everyday. I could relate to the feelings and emotion in this poem and I have to say you did a very good job. Keep up the good work.
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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I like this poem and your style of writing. I am also glad it wasn't written about a real person. Sadly there are people who go through this everyday. I could relate to the feelings and emotion in this poem and I have to say you did a very good job. Keep up the good work.
Comment Written 26-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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Thank you Alissa.
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You are welcome.
Comment from duchessofdrumborg
'Old Decrepit Woman Revised' is an extremely well-written and intriguing work. This talented poet has with skill, painted in words a portrait he saw years ago. This piece was a pleasure to both read and review.
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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'Old Decrepit Woman Revised' is an extremely well-written and intriguing work. This talented poet has with skill, painted in words a portrait he saw years ago. This piece was a pleasure to both read and review.
Comment Written 26-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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Thank you duchess.
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You're welcome Boz Roz.
Kindest wishes, the Duchess