Comment from AprilShower

Excellent

Hi, Smurphgirl.

I like your story. It kept my interest. I know how hard it is hard to write a story about a person with an extremely high IQ. I don't know if you have ever read any of the chapters in my two novels. They about a man like James.

I found a couple of typing errors.

She was dressed in a neatly pressed brown skit(skirt),

We have a team of forensics ready to go over the house from top to bottom and [delete it] you will need to find somewhere else to stay.

 Comment Written 10-Jan-2011

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reply by the author on 10-Jan-2011

Thanks for catching the spags. I actually have a couple of very smart people in my family (not me) one has an IQ of 170 and the other 195....they are way too smart but a like James, have not so great social skills.

reply by AprilShower on 10-Jan-2011

You're welcome.

Comment from Belinda

Excellent

Hi, Sasha, although I have known the story, this re-written episodes still gives me the chills. From this day forward, life will be hell for James. Let's just see how you describe it this time ... :)

 Comment Written 10-Jan-2011

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reply by the author on 10-Jan-2011

I think there are enough changes to still keep those that read the first version interested...at least that is my hope. Glad you still like it.

Comment from quashdog

Excellent

Good story, it had me glued to the screen to see where it all leads to. I can understand the reaction of the family. It is hard to accept that a loved one committed a crime, let alone, murder.

 Comment Written 10-Jan-2011

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reply by the author on 10-Jan-2011

Thanks. I am pleased you like it.

Comment from adewpearl

Excellent

typo - in a neatly pressed brown SKIT
she looked like June Clever - Cleaver
caused my heart to race, pumping way too much - add comma
wearing a sweat-drenched jogging suit - add the hyphen
As though the devil himself was trying to torture - were trying (subjunctive case)
I'm sure your Dad will be pleased - dad
Calm down, James - add comma for direct address
You are starting to loose it - lose
stupid one-sided conversation - add hyphen
Come on, James, it's me - add comma for direct address
pointing a finger at Detective Mac, said - add comma
Charlie kicked the table glared at me - table and glared
Excellent chapter, Valerie - lots of tension, intense emotion, strong dialogue, believable emotional responses from the characters. Brooke


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 Comment Written 10-Jan-2011

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reply by the author on 10-Jan-2011

My dear, dear, dear Brook, what in the world would I do without you? Probably become a welder or dig ditches. Thanks for taking the time to critique this so thoroughly. I am also pleased that through all the spags you could still say you enjoyed it.

reply by the author on 10-Jan-2011

Thanks so much for the detailed critique. Don't know what I would do without you.....brick layer or welder, maybe?

Comment from sizemore0409

Excellent

Hi Smurphgirl! I enjoyed reading this latest addition to your story. The writing has good consistency. As in prior chapters, I like your attention to detail, as you carefully construct the narrative, which flows smoothly and seamlessly. The imagery, the character-depictions and interactions, the thoughts, dialogue and emotions are all well-crafted, and woven nicely into the fabric of the story. Good work! Andy

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 Comment Written 10-Jan-2011

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reply by the author on 10-Jan-2011

Thanks so much. I am pleased you like this.

reply by the author on 10-Jan-2011

Thanks, I am pleased you like this one.