Comment from mumsyone

Good

Your story continues to be interesting, but it needs editing and revising. I can point out some, but not all, of the things that need to be fixed:
Mom neeling in her garden (kneeling)
But, this was not a movie with (no comma needed)
skipped a beat and my chest tightened (needs a comma after beat)
stepped back and with an expression of concern on her face asked, (stepped back and, with an expression of concern on her face, asked,)
living room confirming what I already (needs a comma after room)
behind closed doors Dad never missed an opportunity to (needs a comma after doors)
Dad and although never successful, he (Dad and, although never successful,)
behavior saying, "For (behavior, saying, "For)
had woken up (had awakened)
up the entire night cramming my head with (comma after night)
pull out of the driveway I popped another antacid (comma after driveway)
got up, and went (no comma needed)
The more I read the more ((needs a comma after read)
This should take care of some errors/typos; other reviewers might find more.

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 Comment Written 06-Jan-2011

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reply by the author on 06-Jan-2011

Thanks for taking the time to go over this. I make most of the changes you recommended...commas are a pain. I hate my grammar check...it tells me to put one in then when I do it tells me to take it out. I sincerely appreciate both the time and care you took to point out where they were needed.

reply by mumsyone on 06-Jan-2011

You're quite welcome.

Comment from c_lucas

Excellent

You are showing a much more mature James. I like the pace you are using in your rewrite. This is well written. Good job.

car watching Mom neeling (kneeling) in her garden

 Comment Written 06-Jan-2011

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reply by the author on 06-Jan-2011

Thanks for catching the spag. Glad you like the changes so far.

reply by c_lucas on 06-Jan-2011

You're welcome, Sasha. Charlie

Comment from Yeti777

Excellent

Whoa!! What a great write!! You've captured my attention and I'm looking forward to the next installment. Fantastic job not only grabbing, but keeping my attention. Your descriptive tempo wasn't overbearing, and for reasons I don't enjoy reading Steven King, overly detailed. Great topic that makes me wonder (curiously) if this is a life based story or only fiction. Great job.
Sean

 Comment Written 06-Jan-2011

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reply by the author on 06-Jan-2011

Thanks for the positive review. I come from a state that sadly has the record for highest number of serial killers, something that both fascinated and puzzled me. Numerous times I watched the families of these killers harassed by the media, verbally attacked by neighbors, and destroyed internally by their inability to accept or deal with the reality that their loved one could do such a thing. I have based this fictional story on 5 different families from Washington State and a ton of research. As you can probably tell, this is a story about the family, not the killer (although he obviously does play a major role in how they deal with the situation).

Comment from Tillom Gliss

Excellent

Excellent follow up! I was waiting to see if you would bring the reader back to the beginning when he is outside waiting for the phone call and you did not disappoint. I thought the way you brought it back there was smooth and clever. I will add myself as a fan so that I do not miss any further chapters.

 Comment Written 06-Jan-2011

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reply by the author on 06-Jan-2011

Thank you very much for your positive review. I am thrilled you like this so far.

Comment from adewpearl

Excellent

its contents, abruptly yanking - add comma
typo - watching Mom Kneeling - drop the capital K
my chest tightened, making it difficult to breathe - add comma
I got out of the car quickly as I could, hoping - add comma
I glanced at the workbench, instantly noticing - add comma
he would be drunk, and his usual obnoxious behavior - add comma
constantly apologize infuriated me, but I learned - add comma
(It is not necessary to use a comma in a compound sentence if the two clauses are short, but when the sentence is this long, you really do need the comma before "and.")
typo - missed an opportunity to display IS jealousy
he would never be as smart as I - I'm assuming James is well-spoken and uses proper English though many people would say, as smart as me.
who she could date - whom she could date - again, I assume James would use the proper wording
I shut the door, making sure to lock it - add comma
a subject few people knew much about - typos in people and knew
typo - all hell to BEAK loose
You get inside James' mind really effectively, Valerie - I can just feel his sense of foreboding as he knows with certainty how horrific life is about to become for his family. You work the back story of their wealth and station in life into the chapter well, also. Brooke

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 Comment Written 06-Jan-2011

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reply by the author on 06-Jan-2011

Thanks for being the FIRST to look at this. I am going crazy with this insane keyboard.....seriously. Thanks for catching the all too many spags!