Evil in Paradise
Part One44 total reviews
Comment from rdsrds123
I think this is a good story, and you used some choice words for your scenes and characters. However, I thought the description of the man was so slim that I could not find any positive connection between the two lovers except for the tingling body( this was GREAT.) For such an important character, I hope you are going to round him up a bit. I suppose I don't have the entire plot to work with here as this is a two part story. It was quite clear to me that a woman wrote this piece without seeing your picture.Sometimes this is unavoidable and sometimes stories can be written where you cannot determine the authors age or sex. I always try to keep myself out of my stories in this way(not always successfully). Not just because it is autobiographical in some ways, but it adds bias to the story. Thanks!
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reply by the author on 21-May-2010
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I think this is a good story, and you used some choice words for your scenes and characters. However, I thought the description of the man was so slim that I could not find any positive connection between the two lovers except for the tingling body( this was GREAT.) For such an important character, I hope you are going to round him up a bit. I suppose I don't have the entire plot to work with here as this is a two part story. It was quite clear to me that a woman wrote this piece without seeing your picture.Sometimes this is unavoidable and sometimes stories can be written where you cannot determine the authors age or sex. I always try to keep myself out of my stories in this way(not always successfully). Not just because it is autobiographical in some ways, but it adds bias to the story. Thanks!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-May-2010
reply by the author on 21-May-2010
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Please forgive me for this cut and paste response. I've been having a bit of a thriller myself - been clearing trees, shrubs and weeds and a ringer called poison ivy jumped into the match. I lost and my eyes now resemble a prize fighter--swollen to the max. I can squint today so I wanted to let you know I appreciate your reading and will try to continue the story tomorrow or Sunday. Thank you for your continued support and understanding...Smiles, Carol
Comment from Juliette Chamberlain
Sounds to me like Carrie would do well to ditch James - he is a selfish and cold individual, and I suspect that his alibi is not all he suggested.
Strange how we get that uncomfortable feeling around some people. I have a feeling the weekend is going to be exciting, to say the least.
Juliette
reply by the author on 21-May-2010
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Sounds to me like Carrie would do well to ditch James - he is a selfish and cold individual, and I suspect that his alibi is not all he suggested.
Strange how we get that uncomfortable feeling around some people. I have a feeling the weekend is going to be exciting, to say the least.
Juliette
Comment Written 19-May-2010
reply by the author on 21-May-2010
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Please forgive me for this cut and paste response. I've been having a bit of a thriller myself - been clearing trees, shrubs and weeds and a ringer called poison ivy jumped into the match. I lost and my eyes now resemble a prize fighter--swollen to the max. I can squint today so I wanted to let you know I appreciate your reading and will try to continue the story tomorrow or Sunday. Thank you for your continued support and understanding...Smiles, Carol
Comment from fictionwriter
What a wonderful beginning. I love the forshadowing of the ranger and the possibility he might not be all he seems. And the missing hiker raised an eyebrow. Great job.
on in that blond(blonde) head of yours
reply by the author on 21-May-2010
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What a wonderful beginning. I love the forshadowing of the ranger and the possibility he might not be all he seems. And the missing hiker raised an eyebrow. Great job.
on in that blond(blonde) head of yours
Comment Written 19-May-2010
reply by the author on 21-May-2010
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Please forgive me for this cut and paste response. I've been having a bit of a thriller myself - been clearing trees, shrubs and weeds and a ringer called poison ivy jumped into the match. I lost and my eyes now resemble a prize fighter--swollen to the max. I can squint today so I wanted to let you know I appreciate your reading and will try to continue the story tomorrow or Sunday. Thank you for your continued support and understanding...Smiles, Carol
Comment from mtngalofnc
Hi Carol,
You have done a great job with describing Carrie's feelings concerning her fianance. And your imagery of nature is awesome. The scene with Carrie and the park ranger is filled with apprehension and your ending leaves me wanting to read more. Your story has a smooth flow and I saw no spag. Thank you for sharing.
Becky
reply by the author on 21-May-2010
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Hi Carol,
You have done a great job with describing Carrie's feelings concerning her fianance. And your imagery of nature is awesome. The scene with Carrie and the park ranger is filled with apprehension and your ending leaves me wanting to read more. Your story has a smooth flow and I saw no spag. Thank you for sharing.
Becky
Comment Written 19-May-2010
reply by the author on 21-May-2010
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Please forgive me for this cut and paste response. I've been having a bit of a thriller myself - been clearing trees, shrubs and weeds and a ringer called poison ivy jumped into the match. I lost and my eyes now resemble a prize fighter--swollen to the max. I can squint today so I wanted to let you know I appreciate your reading and will try to continue the story tomorrow or Sunday. Thank you for your continued support and understanding...Smiles, Carol
Comment from c_lucas
This would make a good beginning for a murder/mystery. It is very well written with very good imagery and descriptive scheme. Lonley mountain trails have been the scenes to many evil deeds.
reply by the author on 21-May-2010
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This would make a good beginning for a murder/mystery. It is very well written with very good imagery and descriptive scheme. Lonley mountain trails have been the scenes to many evil deeds.
Comment Written 19-May-2010
reply by the author on 21-May-2010
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Please forgive me for this cut and paste response. I've been having a bit of a thriller myself - been clearing trees, shrubs and weeds and a ringer called poison ivy jumped into the match. I lost and my eyes now resemble a prize fighter--swollen to the max. I can squint today so I wanted to let you know I appreciate your reading and will try to continue the story tomorrow or Sunday. Thank you for your continued support and understanding...Smiles, Carol
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You're welcome, Carol. Get well soon. Charlie
Comment from Realist101
I sense a humdinger coming on!! :) I love your suspense building Carol...it sort of gives me the willies, as I often wonder if I will "disappear" and no one will ever "know" where I went. I think her boyfriend is not what she thinks either? I will look forward to the next chapter my friend! Hugs, Susan
reply by the author on 21-May-2010
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I sense a humdinger coming on!! :) I love your suspense building Carol...it sort of gives me the willies, as I often wonder if I will "disappear" and no one will ever "know" where I went. I think her boyfriend is not what she thinks either? I will look forward to the next chapter my friend! Hugs, Susan
Comment Written 19-May-2010
reply by the author on 21-May-2010
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Please forgive me for this cut and paste response. I've been having a bit of a thriller myself - been clearing trees, shrubs and weeds and a ringer called poison ivy jumped into the match. I lost and my eyes now resemble a prize fighter--swollen to the max. I can squint today so I wanted to let you know I appreciate your reading and will try to continue the story tomorrow or Sunday. Thank you for your continued support and understanding...Smiles, Carol
Comment from dmjones
An excellent beginning. I can't wait for more already. The park ranger appears to be a little sinister and so I think Carrie is heading for trouble. James and this golfing thing I'm not sure about either. I'll have to wait to find out. I didn't spot any spag.
reply by the author on 21-May-2010
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An excellent beginning. I can't wait for more already. The park ranger appears to be a little sinister and so I think Carrie is heading for trouble. James and this golfing thing I'm not sure about either. I'll have to wait to find out. I didn't spot any spag.
Comment Written 19-May-2010
reply by the author on 21-May-2010
-
Please forgive me for this cut and paste response. I've been having a bit of a thriller myself - been clearing trees, shrubs and weeds and a ringer called poison ivy jumped into the match. I lost and my eyes now resemble a prize fighter--swollen to the max. I can squint today so I wanted to let you know I appreciate your reading and will try to continue the story tomorrow or Sunday. Thank you for your continued support and understanding...Smiles, Carol
Comment from harleyangelbrat
This is a really good story. It is descriptive and expressive which makes for a great read. I am not sure what the ending means, whether it is implicating the ranger or not. It kind of leaves you wondering. Nothing wrong with that. I love stories that leave the mind to come up with their own ending. This is an excellent read, God bless you!
reply by the author on 21-May-2010
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This is a really good story. It is descriptive and expressive which makes for a great read. I am not sure what the ending means, whether it is implicating the ranger or not. It kind of leaves you wondering. Nothing wrong with that. I love stories that leave the mind to come up with their own ending. This is an excellent read, God bless you!
Comment Written 19-May-2010
reply by the author on 21-May-2010
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Please forgive me for this cut and paste response. I've been having a bit of a thriller myself - been clearing trees, shrubs and weeds and a ringer called poison ivy jumped into the match. I lost and my eyes now resemble a prize fighter--swollen to the max. I can squint today so I wanted to let you know I appreciate your reading and will try to continue the story tomorrow or Sunday. Thank you for your continued support and understanding...Smiles, Carol
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You are very welcome. You poor dear. I will keep you in my prayers. So sorry to hear about the poison Ivy. I hope you have a blessed day. Marilyn
Comment from rmdelta
begin again,
a really strong and tension building first chapter, my friend. Great dialogue and descriptives make us eagar for the next installment. Well done.
Reggie
reply by the author on 21-May-2010
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begin again,
a really strong and tension building first chapter, my friend. Great dialogue and descriptives make us eagar for the next installment. Well done.
Reggie
Comment Written 19-May-2010
reply by the author on 21-May-2010
-
Please forgive me for this cut and paste response. I've been having a bit of a thriller myself - been clearing trees, shrubs and weeds and a ringer called poison ivy jumped into the match. I lost and my eyes now resemble a prize fighter--swollen to the max. I can squint today so I wanted to let you know I appreciate your reading and will try to continue the story tomorrow or Sunday. Thank you for your continued support and understanding...Smiles, Carol
Comment from Burn4me
This was a good read. I almost overlooked the mispelling i found just by reading it. Kind of had to attached as i read on. Outside of that, your dialogue is awesome, something i wish i could convert into my own writings. Execellent job and thank you for sharing.
"Well, spit it out. What's going on in that blond head of yours?" ---Think you meant -Blonde-
reply by the author on 21-May-2010
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This was a good read. I almost overlooked the mispelling i found just by reading it. Kind of had to attached as i read on. Outside of that, your dialogue is awesome, something i wish i could convert into my own writings. Execellent job and thank you for sharing.
"Well, spit it out. What's going on in that blond head of yours?" ---Think you meant -Blonde-
Comment Written 19-May-2010
reply by the author on 21-May-2010
-
Please forgive me for this cut and paste response. I've been having a bit of a thriller myself - been clearing trees, shrubs and weeds and a ringer called poison ivy jumped into the match. I lost and my eyes now resemble a prize fighter--swollen to the max. I can squint today so I wanted to let you know I appreciate your reading and will try to continue the story tomorrow or Sunday. Thank you for your continued support and understanding...Smiles, Carol