Trapped
He spent too much time in the restroom.65 total reviews
Comment from ulster3
Hello mastery.
True to your moniker you have the mastery of words. I enjoyed this smooth read, and in my opinion it should be a winner. Excellent.
Rebecca
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Hello mastery.
True to your moniker you have the mastery of words. I enjoyed this smooth read, and in my opinion it should be a winner. Excellent.
Rebecca
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Thanks so much, Rebecca...I appreciate your comments and your time...Bob
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There was not a thing I could suggest.
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Hi Bob:)
Just trapping someone isn't always enough. perhaps in Casey's mind, the certainty of the trap was enough. But, I rather imagine Casey's rage combined with alcohol made him lose his edge.
I noted only one small error: He wanted kick-ass boilermakers with Jack Daniels and draft beer, or Beam straight up with water [chase ==> chaser], raw tequila that left him breathless and boiling in his own juices. {A typo}
Good luck in the contest!
Roger
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Hi Bob:)
Just trapping someone isn't always enough. perhaps in Casey's mind, the certainty of the trap was enough. But, I rather imagine Casey's rage combined with alcohol made him lose his edge.
I noted only one small error: He wanted kick-ass boilermakers with Jack Daniels and draft beer, or Beam straight up with water [chase ==> chaser], raw tequila that left him breathless and boiling in his own juices. {A typo}
Good luck in the contest!
Roger
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Wow, Roger, thanks...you sure are a hawkeye, eh? I will check that...Thanks very much...Bob
Comment from FredCollingwood
Excellent story. I love the dialog and the characters. Your descriptions are superlative!
The bar had emptied out over ten minutes earlier() and there was just the bartender, Fuzzy, Detective Casey MaClam, and the joker in the bathroom who was taking way too long. Add comma. The coordinating conjunction joins independent clauses.
Tall and still solid, he had a pale hard face disfigured by a broken nose. > excellent description.
But, a (L)ot of citizens seem to think it's a cake job. > lower case
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Excellent story. I love the dialog and the characters. Your descriptions are superlative!
The bar had emptied out over ten minutes earlier() and there was just the bartender, Fuzzy, Detective Casey MaClam, and the joker in the bathroom who was taking way too long. Add comma. The coordinating conjunction joins independent clauses.
Tall and still solid, he had a pale hard face disfigured by a broken nose. > excellent description.
But, a (L)ot of citizens seem to think it's a cake job. > lower case
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Thanks, Fred..When you review, I always feel good about my writing as a rule because you are such an accomplished writer...Bob
Comment from Changeisgood
Bob, You really strung out a good story from one sentence. I was sorry to see the cop AND bartender get shot, but the cop was wrong to kick and abuse the doper. If he had just come in and frisked him he would have found the gun, but you show it was personal and that the cop had a bad ticker anyway. Very readable. You had a good hook running through the entire story of getting behind that door.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Bob, You really strung out a good story from one sentence. I was sorry to see the cop AND bartender get shot, but the cop was wrong to kick and abuse the doper. If he had just come in and frisked him he would have found the gun, but you show it was personal and that the cop had a bad ticker anyway. Very readable. You had a good hook running through the entire story of getting behind that door.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Hi, Franny. Thanks so much for your in depth review. I sincerely appreciate your comments. Bob
Comment from sugardog
Wow, Bob, I didn't know you wrote cop stories! This was an amazingly well told story-no happy endings here...but so well done. I am not really a fan of violent stories(will read anything you write-because you're so good), but this was so realistically written-the dialogue and descriptions. You blew me a way and what an ending! Serves him right. I felt as though I was in the bar watching all this happen-excellent!! Good luck in the contest. Dana
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Wow, Bob, I didn't know you wrote cop stories! This was an amazingly well told story-no happy endings here...but so well done. I am not really a fan of violent stories(will read anything you write-because you're so good), but this was so realistically written-the dialogue and descriptions. You blew me a way and what an ending! Serves him right. I felt as though I was in the bar watching all this happen-excellent!! Good luck in the contest. Dana
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Hi, Dana. thanks so much for the wonderful review and the icing on your great rview...a six! Wow1 Thank you, sincerely. Bob
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You're welcome-it was very well written! Dana
Comment from Gert sherwood
Good day Bob Great police story.
You have an amazing way to describe your scene within the bar. and your three characters.
To bad Casey didn't listen to the bartender,
I believe there wouldn't been two killing and so much gore.
But hey,
it shows crime doesn't pay and Jackie soon found out by making his own trap and no way of getting out of it.
Gert
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Good day Bob Great police story.
You have an amazing way to describe your scene within the bar. and your three characters.
To bad Casey didn't listen to the bartender,
I believe there wouldn't been two killing and so much gore.
But hey,
it shows crime doesn't pay and Jackie soon found out by making his own trap and no way of getting out of it.
Gert
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Thank you, Gert. you are so kind to me and loyal...Bob
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You are welcome Bob
Take care.
Gert
Comment from WRITER1
This is a catch 22 situation. He can't very well call the cops. This was a good read and I enjoyed the descriptions as you told the story. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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This is a catch 22 situation. He can't very well call the cops. This was a good read and I enjoyed the descriptions as you told the story. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Thanks so much, Writer. I appreciate you taking the time....Bob
Comment from patmedium
Now then, this is a write with a difference. Lovely, the way you've got him trapped. Now, if he had the intelligence of a writer, he'd write a window for himself and smash his way out! Pat.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Now then, this is a write with a difference. Lovely, the way you've got him trapped. Now, if he had the intelligence of a writer, he'd write a window for himself and smash his way out! Pat.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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LOL...T%hanks, Pat...Had that covered though as you saw early on in the piece...I sure appreciate your review. take care...Bob
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LOL.
Comment from Deejharrington
You did a fantastic job with this story starter. Best of luck in the contest, though I think you have a winner here. Though it didn't have a "happy ending" I think justice was served in the end. Terrific plot, I didn't want it to end.
deb
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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You did a fantastic job with this story starter. Best of luck in the contest, though I think you have a winner here. Though it didn't have a "happy ending" I think justice was served in the end. Terrific plot, I didn't want it to end.
deb
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Awww.! Thanks so much, Deb. I am glad you liked it. I sometimes worry about the language etc. have been burned before..in fact I had one member say."This is a great story, but I only gave you afour because of the violence which I don't care for...." this after I specifically left a warning! Thanks again, Bob
Comment from Tallteller
The big detective lumbered when he walked and looked as if a cannonball hung from his scrotum. This a fantastic description of a man with balls of steel. Stunning stuff right up there with: "If his chest had been a cannon, he would have shot his heart upon it."
Then there is this other stonker: He also had the IQ of a moth. The image of a moth battering itself against the shade of a bedside light springs to mind, and we recall how silly we thought it was. This man is truly stupid.
Gidlings made no attempt to hide the spiritual cancer that lived in his face. You just keep firing these gems off, like you had a machine gun loaded with inspirational lines.
Great ending, the bar barred his escape and all he could do was wait for the hound-wail of approaching police sirens, like a fox with nowhere to turn.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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The big detective lumbered when he walked and looked as if a cannonball hung from his scrotum. This a fantastic description of a man with balls of steel. Stunning stuff right up there with: "If his chest had been a cannon, he would have shot his heart upon it."
Then there is this other stonker: He also had the IQ of a moth. The image of a moth battering itself against the shade of a bedside light springs to mind, and we recall how silly we thought it was. This man is truly stupid.
Gidlings made no attempt to hide the spiritual cancer that lived in his face. You just keep firing these gems off, like you had a machine gun loaded with inspirational lines.
Great ending, the bar barred his escape and all he could do was wait for the hound-wail of approaching police sirens, like a fox with nowhere to turn.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Wow, Les...What a great review...In depth and very well written. thanks so much, my friend...Bob
