Contest Entry and Winners
Viewing comments for Chapter -10 "Breathe Again"Short Stories
40 total reviews
Comment from sfharper
Well done. I suspected her as the murderer as soon as I heard she was raped. Good job explaining Taylor's continual harrassment. Good voice. Enjoyed reading it.
:)
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2009
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Well done. I suspected her as the murderer as soon as I heard she was raped. Good job explaining Taylor's continual harrassment. Good voice. Enjoyed reading it.
:)
Comment Written 03-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2009
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jjoe
Glad you read and enjoyed my story. Thank you so much for the review. Carol
Comment from Suzie B
Oh Carol...this is so good my friend, you have this genre in the palms of your clever hands.
Sweet sweet revenge, ahhhh, I wonder how many of us have wished for it. Wishing isn't doing. Doing would be not so good. But stories like these give a certain amount of vengeful satisfaction...lol. Ahhh yes...feeling all better.
Must go...have funeral arrangements to attend to.....lol.
Well done my friend and good luck in the vote.
Hugs
Suzie
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2009
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Oh Carol...this is so good my friend, you have this genre in the palms of your clever hands.
Sweet sweet revenge, ahhhh, I wonder how many of us have wished for it. Wishing isn't doing. Doing would be not so good. But stories like these give a certain amount of vengeful satisfaction...lol. Ahhh yes...feeling all better.
Must go...have funeral arrangements to attend to.....lol.
Well done my friend and good luck in the vote.
Hugs
Suzie
Comment Written 02-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2009
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Suzie
You just always have the right things to say to me, to boost my spirit. You saw exactly what my goal was...writing emotions that real life refuses to let us do...I hadn't initially realized that I called my sweet heroine Jenny until afterwards. I hope I didn't upset you. I think pay back was a just reward. Thank you so much. Smiles, Carol
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Carol, naming the heroine Jenny worked for me...believe me She and I shared many many conversations about what we would do if the world allowed revenge...your piece made me smile...kinda like she finally got one back...I loved it and you my friend.
keep on keeping on.
Smiles
Suzie
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That makes me feel so much better...Thanks again. You are a terrific friend!! Carol
Comment from Belinda
Silent Jenny is silent for many reasons, it seems. First I thought she loves Jarrod very much, but the final lines proved I'm wrong. The human's heart is complicated, and you proved it with this story, Carol. Btw, you keyboard slipped once: Jarrod becomes Jason in this sentence: "Jason shook his head and stared out the window again."
All in all, ingteresting story.
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2009
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Silent Jenny is silent for many reasons, it seems. First I thought she loves Jarrod very much, but the final lines proved I'm wrong. The human's heart is complicated, and you proved it with this story, Carol. Btw, you keyboard slipped once: Jarrod becomes Jason in this sentence: "Jason shook his head and stared out the window again."
All in all, ingteresting story.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2009
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Belinda
That's what I get when I decide the name doesn't fit the story...I missed that one. Thanks so much for catching it. Appreciate it and the review. Carol
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Jason is a good name, no wonder you like it. Pity I don't have a grandson!
Comment from zeezeewriter
What an excellent story. You drew me in to the story and held me. I enjoyed the read very much. You are an excellent writer. Good luck in the constest. ZeeZee
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2009
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What an excellent story. You drew me in to the story and held me. I enjoyed the read very much. You are an excellent writer. Good luck in the constest. ZeeZee
Comment Written 02-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2009
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Zee
Thank you very much for reading, reviewing and most of all enjoying my story. I greatly appreciate it. Smiles to you, Carol
Comment from dmjones
Good one Carol. I love James Patterson so good choice of a sentence. I wish I didn't have to work and then I could do some more of these prompts :)
No spag detected.
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2009
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Good one Carol. I love James Patterson so good choice of a sentence. I wish I didn't have to work and then I could do some more of these prompts :)
No spag detected.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2009
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Donna
I am so glad you enjoyed the story, Appreciate the comments. Carol
Comment from lola29
Carol, what an intriguing and suspenseful story. You have entered another winning entry. The ending had your signature all over it. Bravo!
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2009
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Carol, what an intriguing and suspenseful story. You have entered another winning entry. The ending had your signature all over it. Bravo!
Comment Written 02-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2009
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Lola
Thanks...was it a surprise or did you figure it out ahead of time? Someone told me they can't figure out who's talking...I thought when two people were in the room we didn't need speech tags because the reader should be able to follow...Do you know? Thanks for reading and enjoying.
Carol
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Carol, you made it quite clear who was talking.
Because I have an overactive imagination, I suspected her, but I had no clue that he raped his own sister. Brilliant!
Comment from MJMuraco
You did a great job on this story with a truly unexpected ending. Your descriptive imagery of Taylor the bad brother was awesome, causing the reader to see his evilness.
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2009
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You did a great job on this story with a truly unexpected ending. Your descriptive imagery of Taylor the bad brother was awesome, causing the reader to see his evilness.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2009
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MJMuraco
Thanks for putting smiles all over my face. I really am glad you enjoyed it. Thanks again
Carol
Comment from pixiemillie
Gosh, talk about a twisted end to this story- -this sure has it. It was a surprise to me. Didn't realize it was coming until that hint of the lacy lingerie and the books- -gifts from Taylor. I guess she had had enough of his dealings and secrets. Thank you for the enjoyable read. Well crafted, no errors that I saw- -and you are so right- -a little early for the 'dead people'- -but the first line inviting and not disappointing.
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2009
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Gosh, talk about a twisted end to this story- -this sure has it. It was a surprise to me. Didn't realize it was coming until that hint of the lacy lingerie and the books- -gifts from Taylor. I guess she had had enough of his dealings and secrets. Thank you for the enjoyable read. Well crafted, no errors that I saw- -and you are so right- -a little early for the 'dead people'- -but the first line inviting and not disappointing.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2009
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Pixiemillie
Hurrah! I am pleased that your enjoyed the story and found no major spags. I wrote this quickly this morning and though I did proof it, I always miss things. Thanks so much. Carol
Comment from RonD
Gives the phrase "disfunctional family" new meaning. You give a good sketch of several personalities (even though only two of them appear) in a very brief telling.
I take less issue with changing point-of-view than do others on this site, but still feel it might help if you format the story to alert us to the shift from Jarrod's to Jenny's.
An extremely minor nit: "He knew in his heart, he should be ashamed" - I would either drop the comma after 'heart' or insert one after 'knew'.
I only saw the twist coming when you described the lingerie - it works well.
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reply by the author on 02-Oct-2009
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Gives the phrase "disfunctional family" new meaning. You give a good sketch of several personalities (even though only two of them appear) in a very brief telling.
I take less issue with changing point-of-view than do others on this site, but still feel it might help if you format the story to alert us to the shift from Jarrod's to Jenny's.
An extremely minor nit: "He knew in his heart, he should be ashamed" - I would either drop the comma after 'heart' or insert one after 'knew'.
I only saw the twist coming when you described the lingerie - it works well.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2009
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Ron
Glad you enjoyed the story and found the ending surprising. Appreciate the review. I shall look at your suggestion. Carol
Comment from DrCarter2001
Good story overall, with a decent twist at the end (though with only two characters the killer had to be one or the other...). A few nits: it's not always clear who's speaking; a little more narrative or even a "he said" or "she said" here and there might help. There's one part that I'm not sure if it's supposed to be dialogue or not:
"He's a Cromwell, regardless. The town will be expecting a big funeral for their fallen son, the town's philanthropist.
He'd disguised his business dealings very well over the years. No one suspected that he'd been draining the town dry, tossing crumbs of donations to the city council. Jackson Cromwell taught him to cover his tracks, a skill he'd perfected.
Also, most of the story is told from Jarrod's point of view, so the switch to Jenny's at the end is a little confusing, though not terrible, but if no one but Jenny and Taylor knew about the rape, how did Jarrod know? Re: "He paused, watching her reaction. When Jenny was ten years old, she'd been raped walking home after a school dance. Taylor found her, whimpering along the side of the road and he'd carried her home. Regardless of everyone's pleading, she'd never told anyone what happened that night..."
One other comment: my understanding of the contest rules were that you need to use the first line of the novel as your first line. It's great that you grew such inspiration from this line, but I think you still need to use it somewhere in the story. Might want to check with the contest creator, though. Good luck!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2009
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Good story overall, with a decent twist at the end (though with only two characters the killer had to be one or the other...). A few nits: it's not always clear who's speaking; a little more narrative or even a "he said" or "she said" here and there might help. There's one part that I'm not sure if it's supposed to be dialogue or not:
"He's a Cromwell, regardless. The town will be expecting a big funeral for their fallen son, the town's philanthropist.
He'd disguised his business dealings very well over the years. No one suspected that he'd been draining the town dry, tossing crumbs of donations to the city council. Jackson Cromwell taught him to cover his tracks, a skill he'd perfected.
Also, most of the story is told from Jarrod's point of view, so the switch to Jenny's at the end is a little confusing, though not terrible, but if no one but Jenny and Taylor knew about the rape, how did Jarrod know? Re: "He paused, watching her reaction. When Jenny was ten years old, she'd been raped walking home after a school dance. Taylor found her, whimpering along the side of the road and he'd carried her home. Regardless of everyone's pleading, she'd never told anyone what happened that night..."
One other comment: my understanding of the contest rules were that you need to use the first line of the novel as your first line. It's great that you grew such inspiration from this line, but I think you still need to use it somewhere in the story. Might want to check with the contest creator, though. Good luck!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2009
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According to my guidelines, I have been told that the reader should be able to follow from paragraph to paragraph which person is speaking if there is only two involved, therefore deleting the unnecessary speech tags.
As for the rules....It says I am to change the line to my own words...
3. Once you have completed the story go back to the beginning and rewrite the opening lines with your own lines rather than the ones you chose to start the story.
4. Give the opening line and credit to the Author in the notes section of your work.
Thanks for the review. Carol