Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Chapter 1 Part 3"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
48 total reviews
Comment from empire76
Good hook at the end there. Your heroine sounds like an interesting character.
A few comments:
- "Donde'?" (Where?)
Same comment I made in a previous chapter. I think you can handle the translation in a smoother way
- "OK(,) Missy, what do you know?"
- I will not be called Missy."
LOL
- "I'm very sorry for my friend's comment.
I think an action before Joe speaks would be good to help the reader visualise what's going on
- Moisture filled her eyes as her bottom lip quivered.
A reaction from Steven. Is he buying this or does he think it's an act?
- He put her only child, Antonio, and her lover, Nick Smith(,) in prison."
- Steven held up his pointer finger, ...
Pointer finger? Is that what Americans call it? That's so wierd. We call it the index finger
I guess my main comment with this chapter is that you should try to add some more thoughts, action and emotion to the dialgue. By action I mean to show facial expressions, reaching out to touch etc in addition to what you have now.
E
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2009
   |
Good hook at the end there. Your heroine sounds like an interesting character.
A few comments:
- "Donde'?" (Where?)
Same comment I made in a previous chapter. I think you can handle the translation in a smoother way
- "OK(,) Missy, what do you know?"
- I will not be called Missy."
LOL
- "I'm very sorry for my friend's comment.
I think an action before Joe speaks would be good to help the reader visualise what's going on
- Moisture filled her eyes as her bottom lip quivered.
A reaction from Steven. Is he buying this or does he think it's an act?
- He put her only child, Antonio, and her lover, Nick Smith(,) in prison."
- Steven held up his pointer finger, ...
Pointer finger? Is that what Americans call it? That's so wierd. We call it the index finger
I guess my main comment with this chapter is that you should try to add some more thoughts, action and emotion to the dialgue. By action I mean to show facial expressions, reaching out to touch etc in addition to what you have now.
E
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2009
-
I have another reviewer that gave me a 4 because he feels there's too much action and thought mixed in with the dialogue, so I don't have clue what do to. As for the Spanish, If I put in in the author's notes, I don't have author's notes in a manuscript. If I take it out, and people don't speak Spanish they won't know what it means. If I leave it out, and just say they said it Spanish, then it's not realistic. I don't have a clue what to do with it. Yes, we call it a pointer finger.
-
Is the person a reader of romance? I'll send you something I got from workshop I attended. It was hosted by an editor so I hope that will help.
-
this is person was. Please send me the information you have.
Comment from Perp Ihebom
This is an interesting chapter. The story is captivating. It ended on a note of suspense. What will they see on entering the room? Nice way to end a chapter. kudos
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2009
|
This is an interesting chapter. The story is captivating. It ended on a note of suspense. What will they see on entering the room? Nice way to end a chapter. kudos
Comment Written 07-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2009
-
Thank you for your review. I appriciate your kind words.
Comment from Steve Pantazis
Overall, it's an interesting read. You have lots going on and the tension is high. I did find the number of characters in the scene overwhelming and hard to keep track of. I believe you did a good job letting the reader know who was doing or saying what, but it was still a bit much.
Detailed feedback:
- "Steven glared her" should be "Steven glared at her".
- I'm not sure we need to know the model of the 9mm (SIG Sauer). Just mentioning 9mm is enough.
- Watch for repetition: "Pulling her arm from Steven's grasp, she raised her head and pulled her shoulders back." "Pull" is used twice in close succession.
- "He's revenging the imprisonment of my grandfather" should read "He's avenging..."
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2009
|
Overall, it's an interesting read. You have lots going on and the tension is high. I did find the number of characters in the scene overwhelming and hard to keep track of. I believe you did a good job letting the reader know who was doing or saying what, but it was still a bit much.
Detailed feedback:
- "Steven glared her" should be "Steven glared at her".
- I'm not sure we need to know the model of the 9mm (SIG Sauer). Just mentioning 9mm is enough.
- Watch for repetition: "Pulling her arm from Steven's grasp, she raised her head and pulled her shoulders back." "Pull" is used twice in close succession.
- "He's revenging the imprisonment of my grandfather" should read "He's avenging..."
Comment Written 07-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2009
-
Thank you for your review. The name of the gun's there because I went through an editor and didn't have it there and was told to be realistic I needed it.
Comment from elkay
This chapter worked well for me. The inclusion of Leya brings suspense, that powerfull ingredient that is so often mistaken for action to the table. Now I am keen to see which way it will go.I see we've shifted to general fiction so that takes care of my earlier concerns re the romance tag.
Keep it going, lots of exposive potential built in this one.
regards
elkay
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2009
|
This chapter worked well for me. The inclusion of Leya brings suspense, that powerfull ingredient that is so often mistaken for action to the table. Now I am keen to see which way it will go.I see we've shifted to general fiction so that takes care of my earlier concerns re the romance tag.
Keep it going, lots of exposive potential built in this one.
regards
elkay
Comment Written 06-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2009
-
Not a problem. Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from Mariea
A good fast moving story and not cluttered with too many characters. No 'flat' spots and dialogue is believable.
typo's - line starting 'your English' word 'at' needs inserting. Line starting 'they each' perhaps remove the second 'each'
Regards Mia
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2009
|
A good fast moving story and not cluttered with too many characters. No 'flat' spots and dialogue is believable.
typo's - line starting 'your English' word 'at' needs inserting. Line starting 'they each' perhaps remove the second 'each'
Regards Mia
Comment Written 06-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2009
-
Yea, I got to get that taken care of. I'm having computer problems and not getting it to do what I want right now.
Comment from Freeflyer
I hope they find the baby but I feel it would be too soon for it to be now, much to the distress of the mother. Great writing. I will keep reading.
Freeflyer
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2009
|
I hope they find the baby but I feel it would be too soon for it to be now, much to the distress of the mother. Great writing. I will keep reading.
Freeflyer
Comment Written 06-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2009
-
Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from adewpearl
You know how to keep a reader waiting and wanting more - I want to know if the baby is there, why the room is now quiet, if they're going to run into guards.
I love this woman who takes them to the baby - her recitation of her lineage with the declaration she will not be called Missy tickled my fancy. And you have to give her credit for going against her powerful family to reunite a newborn with its parents. An excellent chapter that held my attention throughout. Brooke
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2009
|
You know how to keep a reader waiting and wanting more - I want to know if the baby is there, why the room is now quiet, if they're going to run into guards.
I love this woman who takes them to the baby - her recitation of her lineage with the declaration she will not be called Missy tickled my fancy. And you have to give her credit for going against her powerful family to reunite a newborn with its parents. An excellent chapter that held my attention throughout. Brooke
Comment Written 06-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2009
-
Thank you for your review. I appreciate someone with your talent enjoyed my posts.
Comment from eliz100
This chapter is so full of suspense that I had to keep reading and with your ending I have to know what happens in the next chapter.
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2009
|
This chapter is so full of suspense that I had to keep reading and with your ending I have to know what happens in the next chapter.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2009
-
Thank you for your review. I hope I don't disappoint you.
Comment from Summer Falls
Great suspense at the end, Barbara! Omg, how am I going to hold my breath until you post the next chapter? I loved the way you had Matt load his gun and post himself to guard Dani. How difficult is that? To have to make a choice between the two had to be difficult for him, but I am sure Steven will handle the situation with the kidnappers. He seemed ticked at the Maria chick, me too! Well, at least she is leading them to the baby. I just hope the child is still there!
Well written, and I couldn't see a nit.
Summer Ramstone....hehe WE got hitched on the sly.
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2009
|
Great suspense at the end, Barbara! Omg, how am I going to hold my breath until you post the next chapter? I loved the way you had Matt load his gun and post himself to guard Dani. How difficult is that? To have to make a choice between the two had to be difficult for him, but I am sure Steven will handle the situation with the kidnappers. He seemed ticked at the Maria chick, me too! Well, at least she is leading them to the baby. I just hope the child is still there!
Well written, and I couldn't see a nit.
Summer Ramstone....hehe WE got hitched on the sly.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2009
-
Thank you....Hey, I just noticed. You can't marry Galeron....He's mine. You won't hear the end of this. DARN!!!! You can't trust anyone these days. I thought you were my friend. WELL!!!!!
-
OMG How old are we? Lmao, I am so entertained by this. I am cracking up!
-
We may be old ladies, ready for a permant seat in a rocking chair, but can't we have a little fun and dream. I sure want to.
-
I will never grow up. I may grow old, but never age. So, with that in mind, I have to break this to you.
Ruby took Galeron from us both. I think she is pregnant. lmao
-
I am not happy about this Ruby Chick. I may have plan a covert action against her. I have an intelligence report that states Ruby likes to spend a lot of hours outside, so someone will be waiting.
-
I thought I have laughed so hard I cried, I thought I laughed so hard I was sore, I thought I lauged so hard I couldn't laugh any harder.
I just surpassed them all with your reply.
-
Well, I also have an intelligent report that says while Galeron is off doing his knightly duties catching these bad dudes and Ruby is outside doing her not so lady like bow and arrow thing, she may just fall into a horrible disaster. This will happen after the baby is born, though, certainly couldn't have anything happen to an innocent infant.
-
Stop! I can't breathe! We need to hang out. lmao.
-
Hey girl friend. You like hot weather. We've had over 35 days above 100 in TX this summer.
-
I lived in San Antonio for a little over 4 years--I remember the heat. It was when I would go to the riverwalk and sit outside this little place overlooking it. I would buy an ice tea for half a buck and just enjoy.
Ahhhh.
We have had a cool and rainy summer here. I feel gypped. (I don't think I spelled that right.) oh well.
Comment from Shane Marquardt
I am really enjoying your story. You ended this particular chapter well, ensuring your readers will return. I left a suggestion below, and offer another. Blend in some additional action with dialogue to provide the story a little more balance. You have a great plot to work with, and good dialogue.
"I'm very sorry for my friend's comment. After you take us to the infant, how can we protect you?" Joe nodded at Steven, as he poked his arm.
"I'm sorry for my comment." He felt Joe was right but hated apologizing to a woman he didn't trust.
(PERHAPS JUST HAVE ONE MAN APOLOGIZE, THE OTHER REMAIN SILENT TO KEEP THE FLOW OF THE STORY STREAMLINED. sorry about caps, realized too late)
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2009
|
I am really enjoying your story. You ended this particular chapter well, ensuring your readers will return. I left a suggestion below, and offer another. Blend in some additional action with dialogue to provide the story a little more balance. You have a great plot to work with, and good dialogue.
"I'm very sorry for my friend's comment. After you take us to the infant, how can we protect you?" Joe nodded at Steven, as he poked his arm.
"I'm sorry for my comment." He felt Joe was right but hated apologizing to a woman he didn't trust.
(PERHAPS JUST HAVE ONE MAN APOLOGIZE, THE OTHER REMAIN SILENT TO KEEP THE FLOW OF THE STORY STREAMLINED. sorry about caps, realized too late)
Comment Written 06-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2009
-
Thank you for your review. I'm on it. I appreciate your help.