Short Stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Hidden Beneath The Pain"A book of a mixture of stories
34 total reviews
Comment from chaswriter
Begin Again - I enjoyed your story. You have a soothing way of telling it straightforward with good character development and great flow in the storyline. However, the ending seemed a little rushed.
Here are some suggestions:
( ) = indicates suggested changes
the staff labeled her a first class "nut case(.") - the period always goes inside the quotes.
Shhh( ... )don't let anyone hear us talking. - ellipsis has a space before and after the 3 dots
Her eyes glistened with tears(, )and she swatted them away, determined to reclaim a bit of dignity. - both a comma and a conjunction needed when combining two independent sentences
A smile crossed her face(, )and her chiseled cheekbones softened before my eyes. Years of misery slipped away from her face(, )and I could envision the beauty that was once there.
The front desk was busy for the remainder of the day(, )and I soon forgot about Chandra and the locket. - There are more of these.
The mansion was left to Winston's only living child, Haven Winston(, )and she was finally returning home after twenty years. - to offset the parenthetical element
Hope that helps. Charlie
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2009
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Begin Again - I enjoyed your story. You have a soothing way of telling it straightforward with good character development and great flow in the storyline. However, the ending seemed a little rushed.
Here are some suggestions:
( ) = indicates suggested changes
the staff labeled her a first class "nut case(.") - the period always goes inside the quotes.
Shhh( ... )don't let anyone hear us talking. - ellipsis has a space before and after the 3 dots
Her eyes glistened with tears(, )and she swatted them away, determined to reclaim a bit of dignity. - both a comma and a conjunction needed when combining two independent sentences
A smile crossed her face(, )and her chiseled cheekbones softened before my eyes. Years of misery slipped away from her face(, )and I could envision the beauty that was once there.
The front desk was busy for the remainder of the day(, )and I soon forgot about Chandra and the locket. - There are more of these.
The mansion was left to Winston's only living child, Haven Winston(, )and she was finally returning home after twenty years. - to offset the parenthetical element
Hope that helps. Charlie
Comment Written 21-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2009
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Charlie...I was only allowed 1500 words and I used 1442.
I will check our your suggestions. Carol
Comment from C Ann
I liked the idea of the story. I found it to be a bit too neat in the wrapped up ending with no lose ends. I would consider taking this story further and further to see how it could grow.
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reply by the author on 21-Jul-2009
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I liked the idea of the story. I found it to be a bit too neat in the wrapped up ending with no lose ends. I would consider taking this story further and further to see how it could grow.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2009
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C Ann ... The story was limited to 1500 words and I used 1442. Could be more specific in why you marked it so low? I would like to be able to correct if possible. Carol
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My suggestion would be to consider elongating the dialog of the story and clipping the part where she seeks out the validity of the story. In this way I think you would be able to massage the great parts of the story, and stay away from a neatly wrapped up ending. I would pick a way to semi-validate her story by another means so that the focus stayed on the interesting parts.
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Thank you for your comments. The majority of the readers preferred this version, but every one has their own viewpoint. It's only a story, not worth the heat. Carol
Comment from Siren_116
Well don't stop there! What happened next?
I like this very much and there better be more! Kidding!
It would make a nice prologue for a book though.
Give it some thought!
Very well written!
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2009
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Well don't stop there! What happened next?
I like this very much and there better be more! Kidding!
It would make a nice prologue for a book though.
Give it some thought!
Very well written!
Comment Written 21-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2009
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Lorraine...
As usual, I just wrote this in the last two hours...I had been thinking about it for several days and my mind was blank. Then tonight...I just started typing. Guess I prefer to work under pressure...beat the deadline by a few minutes. Thanks for reading and for the kind remarks.
Carol
Comment from Jonez08
Nice story, I'm so happy for Raven, was it carrie pretending to be Haven? I got a little confused with the Raven and Haven, but the storyline was wonderful. Thank god one person took the time out to show Chandra love or it would have never been uncovered. Good luck in the contest... also the word count for the contest is maximum 1,500 and you went over. You may want to see if you can scale off a few words. Take care.
A smile crossed her face and her chiseled cheekbones softened before my eyes. Years of misery slipped away from her face and I could envision the beauty that was once there.
(I loved this descriptive)
"Chandra(.)" Amy had returned from her recent rendezvous and her anger was quite apparent.
Cassandra
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2009
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Nice story, I'm so happy for Raven, was it carrie pretending to be Haven? I got a little confused with the Raven and Haven, but the storyline was wonderful. Thank god one person took the time out to show Chandra love or it would have never been uncovered. Good luck in the contest... also the word count for the contest is maximum 1,500 and you went over. You may want to see if you can scale off a few words. Take care.
A smile crossed her face and her chiseled cheekbones softened before my eyes. Years of misery slipped away from her face and I could envision the beauty that was once there.
(I loved this descriptive)
"Chandra(.)" Amy had returned from her recent rendezvous and her anger was quite apparent.
Cassandra
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2009
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Cassandra...Thank you for bringing the word count to my attention. I made a few changes at the deadline and forgot about the count. I appreciate it. I have changed it now.
I am glad that you liked the story. Chandra is Raven and Haven (the picture we needed to use) is the sister that survived. Thanks again...Carol