Life, Death, Up, Down
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "The Petition"short stories
39 total reviews
Comment from Jesse James Doty
Going along with your peers is called peer pressure and shouldn't be allowed to exist. I feel for you and your thoughts on how she was wrongfully expelled from her job and doesn't deserve to be fired for some dirt on the floor. You signed a petition and wish you hadn't voted along with your peers. I agree you should never feel like you need to fall for peer pressure.
Jesse
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
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Going along with your peers is called peer pressure and shouldn't be allowed to exist. I feel for you and your thoughts on how she was wrongfully expelled from her job and doesn't deserve to be fired for some dirt on the floor. You signed a petition and wish you hadn't voted along with your peers. I agree you should never feel like you need to fall for peer pressure.
Jesse
Comment Written 12-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
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I appreciate your review very much! Thank you!
Comment from robyn corum
Hello there, Mystery Writer!
I wonder if this is someone I know -- who already knows me? I kinda hope so. I've been gone a while now, and to a new person this may seem harsh and negative... though it's not meant it that way at all. I've got my fingers crossed you'll take my thoughts and comments just as they're intended. Certainly, several might be considered subjective, so feel free to print them out, wad them up, and ...ohh... toss them? Burn them? Your choice! *smile*
I appreciated your goal with this story. I have a flash fiction piece on a sister topic that I've been editing for years. This is not an easy place to go.
It's clear you have talent, and I liked that. The read, mechanically, was enjoyable! But, I do have comments -
1.) They all said the clesaning lady had to go.
--> cleaning?
2.) I couldn't get that picture out of my mind.
--> little confusing - which image? (you just gave us two) the mark on her arm and her crying
3.) All I knew was she Polish; her name, Boguslawa Jedynak.
--> All I knew: she was Polish and her name was Boguslawa Jedynak.
--> or reword as you like, but as it is, this sentence needs something... read it aloud to see what I mean, maybe
4.) I had to do something, to tell (remove extra space) her how sorry I was, that I didn't mean it, that I had to vote with the rest of the teachers.
--> there's a lot going on in this sentence. Consider breaking it up or using different punctuation
5.) Ironic, because, as I dug deeper, I discovered her parents were among the 74,000 non-Jewish Poles consigned to the gas chambers at Auschwitz.
--> I'm sorry - why is this ironic?
6.) Barely five years old, she was forced to view the execution of her parents.
--> you may have interesting ingredients here to stir hearts, but I feel the need to mention it's not historically accurate (for several reasons). I'm not sure if you want to know, but jic, I'll share a couple/three of the big ones:
a.) she saw both her parents killed
*** as each transport arrived at Auschwitz, three selections were made as people stepped off the train cars:
--> one that was almost comprehensive for every women and child -(headed for gas)
--> one for the younger or older men, or those unable to work- (headed for gas)
--> the young, strong women and strong men were loaded onto wagons and sent to work details immediately.
The first two groups went **immediately** to gas chambers. Maybe you'll guess part of my first point, let's say we somehow suspend belief that this 5-yo is not doomed but that she IS along with the other ladies and children.
Okay - then, in theory, she would see her mother undress, along with many others AND lots of children. But in general, there was little to no chaos or open fear. The Germans had mastered these scenarios and were geniuses at convincing their 'guests' right up till the last second that the prisoners were only about to be administered a chemical shower that would eliminate lice. Afterward, everyone would be reunited with their families and have a huge meal. And besides, who on EARTH would believe those nonsensical rumors about HUMAN BEINGS murdering rooms of women and children, right? The lice story made MUCH more sense.
--> anyway, once this child reached this point- the undressing area- I cannot fathom any way she could have avoided the gas chamber. The only way to go - was forward. They didn't allow you to change your mind and go back out the way you came...
--> Also, because she was with the ladies (the Germans kept men and women strictly segregated), I don't see how she could have seen anything that happened with her father... right?
--> one last point on that. Let's say some of these folks DID know what would happen. In that case, these will be the last moments of mothers with their infants & children (with some as old as 14 or 15) so it seems there would be plenty of things far more heartbreaking than someone pooping or urinating on themselves, maybe
b.) Boguslawa was scooped up by one of them,
--> when? where?
--> this is an easy way to save her without adding a bit of 'meat'
7.) Somehow, she nearly lost her life, found her life, and suffered loss once more
-->Somehow, (after) she nearly lost her life (then found it again), (she was made to suffer) once more. (Just something to get your wheels turning -- if you're interested in rewording.)
8.) She's disappeared again, into this world, as if she were an unwanted life that never existed.
--> consider just: And now, she's disappeared again.
9.) Always remember to respect your reader. You never want to say it all - let the reader do part of the work - so the two of you meet in the middle. You'll be satisfied -- but the reader is WELL-satisfied when they take part in the process
--> There's a nasty thing writers deal with called 'purple prose'. We must avoid it at all costs. Sometimes, when you're a good writer, with a fine grasp of a LOT of words, you want to show off -- it's very hard to hold back the reins.
--> purple prose is described as "overly ornate prose text that may disrupt a narrative flow by drawing undesirable attention to its own extravagant style of writing" (the line under #8 might fit into this category)
10.) It may be that this topic/story requires a bit more room to spread out. The contest has a 500-wd maximum - and if I'm right, you're around 323, which means you have another 177 words to play with. Not to fill with fluff, but to use in filling out these characters and bringing life and punch to your tale.
11.) This is a piece where depth of feeling would be helpful. The use of short, staccato lines won't achieve that.
YOURS:
I voted with the others.
I signed the petition.
They all said the clesaning lady had to go.
She just wasn't doing her job right.
They found some dirt on the floor.
Not wanting to create any waves since I didn't have tenure, I voted with the other teachers.
***
WITH SLIGHT MODIFICATION:
I voted with the other teachers and signed their petition. They said the cleaning lady had to go because someone found dirt on the floor which meant she wasn't doing her job right. I don't have tenure and didn't want to create any waves. I voted with the others.
12.) Finally, I think it's important you take a minute to sit down and figure out who this story is about. It's funny, but sometimes our subconscious can be working away on something without even letting the rest of our body know. *smile*
I couldn't help but notice the pronouns in this piece. I don't think I counted them correctly, but I only did it once. "She", one of the lady's names, etc., were referenced around 30 times in this story. Which one might expect. But then "I"s (and any other reference to yourself/the other character) were used about 24 times. I found that surprising and it made me think that you haven't actually figured out who this story is about. Something to consider, maybe?
Anyway -- I do hope you find something useful in all this. Good luck!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
 |
Hello there, Mystery Writer!
I wonder if this is someone I know -- who already knows me? I kinda hope so. I've been gone a while now, and to a new person this may seem harsh and negative... though it's not meant it that way at all. I've got my fingers crossed you'll take my thoughts and comments just as they're intended. Certainly, several might be considered subjective, so feel free to print them out, wad them up, and ...ohh... toss them? Burn them? Your choice! *smile*
I appreciated your goal with this story. I have a flash fiction piece on a sister topic that I've been editing for years. This is not an easy place to go.
It's clear you have talent, and I liked that. The read, mechanically, was enjoyable! But, I do have comments -
1.) They all said the clesaning lady had to go.
--> cleaning?
2.) I couldn't get that picture out of my mind.
--> little confusing - which image? (you just gave us two) the mark on her arm and her crying
3.) All I knew was she Polish; her name, Boguslawa Jedynak.
--> All I knew: she was Polish and her name was Boguslawa Jedynak.
--> or reword as you like, but as it is, this sentence needs something... read it aloud to see what I mean, maybe
4.) I had to do something, to tell (remove extra space) her how sorry I was, that I didn't mean it, that I had to vote with the rest of the teachers.
--> there's a lot going on in this sentence. Consider breaking it up or using different punctuation
5.) Ironic, because, as I dug deeper, I discovered her parents were among the 74,000 non-Jewish Poles consigned to the gas chambers at Auschwitz.
--> I'm sorry - why is this ironic?
6.) Barely five years old, she was forced to view the execution of her parents.
--> you may have interesting ingredients here to stir hearts, but I feel the need to mention it's not historically accurate (for several reasons). I'm not sure if you want to know, but jic, I'll share a couple/three of the big ones:
a.) she saw both her parents killed
*** as each transport arrived at Auschwitz, three selections were made as people stepped off the train cars:
--> one that was almost comprehensive for every women and child -(headed for gas)
--> one for the younger or older men, or those unable to work- (headed for gas)
--> the young, strong women and strong men were loaded onto wagons and sent to work details immediately.
The first two groups went **immediately** to gas chambers. Maybe you'll guess part of my first point, let's say we somehow suspend belief that this 5-yo is not doomed but that she IS along with the other ladies and children.
Okay - then, in theory, she would see her mother undress, along with many others AND lots of children. But in general, there was little to no chaos or open fear. The Germans had mastered these scenarios and were geniuses at convincing their 'guests' right up till the last second that the prisoners were only about to be administered a chemical shower that would eliminate lice. Afterward, everyone would be reunited with their families and have a huge meal. And besides, who on EARTH would believe those nonsensical rumors about HUMAN BEINGS murdering rooms of women and children, right? The lice story made MUCH more sense.
--> anyway, once this child reached this point- the undressing area- I cannot fathom any way she could have avoided the gas chamber. The only way to go - was forward. They didn't allow you to change your mind and go back out the way you came...
--> Also, because she was with the ladies (the Germans kept men and women strictly segregated), I don't see how she could have seen anything that happened with her father... right?
--> one last point on that. Let's say some of these folks DID know what would happen. In that case, these will be the last moments of mothers with their infants & children (with some as old as 14 or 15) so it seems there would be plenty of things far more heartbreaking than someone pooping or urinating on themselves, maybe
b.) Boguslawa was scooped up by one of them,
--> when? where?
--> this is an easy way to save her without adding a bit of 'meat'
7.) Somehow, she nearly lost her life, found her life, and suffered loss once more
-->Somehow, (after) she nearly lost her life (then found it again), (she was made to suffer) once more. (Just something to get your wheels turning -- if you're interested in rewording.)
8.) She's disappeared again, into this world, as if she were an unwanted life that never existed.
--> consider just: And now, she's disappeared again.
9.) Always remember to respect your reader. You never want to say it all - let the reader do part of the work - so the two of you meet in the middle. You'll be satisfied -- but the reader is WELL-satisfied when they take part in the process
--> There's a nasty thing writers deal with called 'purple prose'. We must avoid it at all costs. Sometimes, when you're a good writer, with a fine grasp of a LOT of words, you want to show off -- it's very hard to hold back the reins.
--> purple prose is described as "overly ornate prose text that may disrupt a narrative flow by drawing undesirable attention to its own extravagant style of writing" (the line under #8 might fit into this category)
10.) It may be that this topic/story requires a bit more room to spread out. The contest has a 500-wd maximum - and if I'm right, you're around 323, which means you have another 177 words to play with. Not to fill with fluff, but to use in filling out these characters and bringing life and punch to your tale.
11.) This is a piece where depth of feeling would be helpful. The use of short, staccato lines won't achieve that.
YOURS:
I voted with the others.
I signed the petition.
They all said the clesaning lady had to go.
She just wasn't doing her job right.
They found some dirt on the floor.
Not wanting to create any waves since I didn't have tenure, I voted with the other teachers.
***
WITH SLIGHT MODIFICATION:
I voted with the other teachers and signed their petition. They said the cleaning lady had to go because someone found dirt on the floor which meant she wasn't doing her job right. I don't have tenure and didn't want to create any waves. I voted with the others.
12.) Finally, I think it's important you take a minute to sit down and figure out who this story is about. It's funny, but sometimes our subconscious can be working away on something without even letting the rest of our body know. *smile*
I couldn't help but notice the pronouns in this piece. I don't think I counted them correctly, but I only did it once. "She", one of the lady's names, etc., were referenced around 30 times in this story. Which one might expect. But then "I"s (and any other reference to yourself/the other character) were used about 24 times. I found that surprising and it made me think that you haven't actually figured out who this story is about. Something to consider, maybe?
Anyway -- I do hope you find something useful in all this. Good luck!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
-
I am so thankful for this in-depth review. It will help me so much in the future. I make lots of errors as my left hand fingers are slightly numb.
-
P.S.
Congratulations on taking first! I'm happy something of historical significance came out on top. *smile* Thanks also, for kindly understanding and accepting my comments as intended.
Please have a groovy week!
--robyn
Comment from jenintorre
I enjoyed reading this story although it is absolutely heartbreaking. What an original take on the 'I voted' prompt. I think this will do very well in the competition.
Good luck and best wishes. Jen.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
 |
I enjoyed reading this story although it is absolutely heartbreaking. What an original take on the 'I voted' prompt. I think this will do very well in the competition.
Good luck and best wishes. Jen.
Comment Written 12-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
-
I am so thankful for your kind words
Comment from BethShelby
This is a beautifully written and sad story. I could understand being in position to feel you needed to sign something for the sake of not upsetting those you had to work with. If I did and learned her story I wouldn't be able to sleep either. I love the violin selection you shared the music is haunting .
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
|
This is a beautifully written and sad story. I could understand being in position to feel you needed to sign something for the sake of not upsetting those you had to work with. If I did and learned her story I wouldn't be able to sleep either. I love the violin selection you shared the music is haunting .
Comment Written 12-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
-
Thank you for your kindness. You know I admire your writing greatly.
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
Correct spelling in "cleaning lady"
she "was" Polish
I'm not sure why all the one-sentence paragraphs - were you trying to move the story along quicker?
This is an interesting take on the "I voted" contest; most people will probably get political.
Good luck!
xo
Pam
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
|
Correct spelling in "cleaning lady"
she "was" Polish
I'm not sure why all the one-sentence paragraphs - were you trying to move the story along quicker?
This is an interesting take on the "I voted" contest; most people will probably get political.
Good luck!
xo
Pam
Comment Written 12-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
-
Some people are bothered by it, but it seems my style lately is to have short paragraphs. If it continues to be a burden to the reader, I will try to change it.
Comment from Faith Williams
Wow! A thought-provoking and heartbreaking piece.
Suggestions to consider (as I wrote, these are merely suggestions; you are free to do with them what you want):
'They all said the clesaning lady had to go.' Just a simple typo.
'It got so I couldn't sleep. I (had to) find her.' Maybe switch out for a stronger verb, needed?
The word 'discovered' is used a few times. Maybe switch out to another verb:
'I (discovered) her first name,' --->learned
'The more I discovered... " --->uncovered
General suggestion:
One of the more difficult things about writing in first person POV is the use of "I". Necessary, but sometimes sentences can be modified so "I" isn't overused. For example, in the sentence,
'I couldn't get that picture out of my mind.' You could switch 'That picture' to the subject of the sentence, "That picture haunted my steps." Or, "That picture tormented my thoughts."
Sorry if it seems like a lot of suggestions. Your piece is wonderful. I wish you all the best in the contest
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
|
Wow! A thought-provoking and heartbreaking piece.
Suggestions to consider (as I wrote, these are merely suggestions; you are free to do with them what you want):
'They all said the clesaning lady had to go.' Just a simple typo.
'It got so I couldn't sleep. I (had to) find her.' Maybe switch out for a stronger verb, needed?
The word 'discovered' is used a few times. Maybe switch out to another verb:
'I (discovered) her first name,' --->learned
'The more I discovered... " --->uncovered
General suggestion:
One of the more difficult things about writing in first person POV is the use of "I". Necessary, but sometimes sentences can be modified so "I" isn't overused. For example, in the sentence,
'I couldn't get that picture out of my mind.' You could switch 'That picture' to the subject of the sentence, "That picture haunted my steps." Or, "That picture tormented my thoughts."
Sorry if it seems like a lot of suggestions. Your piece is wonderful. I wish you all the best in the contest
Comment Written 12-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
-
I appreciate all your suggestions. Please keep them coming. Sorry for the tardiness of this reply.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
Oh wow, this strikes at the heart! How cleverly you've incorporated Boguslawa's story into this contest prompt! Because the details weren't expected which made the impact and poignancy all the greater. Your lovely write is clearly and concisely written and coveys the message of guilt, sorrow and regret perfectly. Small edit: All I knew was she (was) Polish.
Well done and good luck! Debbie
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
|
Oh wow, this strikes at the heart! How cleverly you've incorporated Boguslawa's story into this contest prompt! Because the details weren't expected which made the impact and poignancy all the greater. Your lovely write is clearly and concisely written and coveys the message of guilt, sorrow and regret perfectly. Small edit: All I knew was she (was) Polish.
Well done and good luck! Debbie
Comment Written 12-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
-
Sorry for the tardiness of this reply. Your words are very kind. Thank you so much!
Comment from CrystieCookie999
This is a very good story. It takes the idea of voting to a whole other level.
The only suggestion I had was here:
They all said the clesaning lady had to go.
I think you mean: cleaning lady
This ought to do very well in that contest.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
|
This is a very good story. It takes the idea of voting to a whole other level.
The only suggestion I had was here:
They all said the clesaning lady had to go.
I think you mean: cleaning lady
This ought to do very well in that contest.
Comment Written 12-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
-
Sorry for the tardiness of this reply. Thanks for your kind words and help!
Comment from jessizero
This story was tragic, though well-written. Your last words, "Boguslawa, I'm sorry," hit like a punch to the gut. Well done. Thank you for sharing, and best wishes to you.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2024
|
This story was tragic, though well-written. Your last words, "Boguslawa, I'm sorry," hit like a punch to the gut. Well done. Thank you for sharing, and best wishes to you.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2024
-
Many Thanks and many blessings to you!