Life, Death, Up, Down
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "everybody dies"short stories
36 total reviews
Comment from Mrs. KT
Good morning, Jim,
Having taught the "Walking Wounded" for the majority of my 38+ years of teaching, I could most assuredly relate to your well-crafted story.
Dynamic and believable characters.
Excellent dialogue.
Fine pacing.
Just a few tiny edits to consider:
*Somehow, I got through the rest of the school day. When the bell finally rang, the students tore out of their seat, (seats), banging into one another as they ran out the door.
*As the two huddled in close contact, they did not see Julio, Roberto and their pack eyeing them from the distance. (You've changed narration here from first person narrator to third person observer, Easy fix, if I may:
As we two huddled in close contact, we did not see Julio, Roberto and their pack eyeing us from the distance, but the next morning, we certainly realized we had been observed praying when...)
*Wherever you write
"the Principal" change to (the principal.. can capitalize if you give the man a proper name)
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I am a bit curious as to why Mr. A doesn't tell his class about Sabrina slitting her wrists. Just an observation; not a criticism.
One of your finest offerings that I have had the pleasure to read.
Thank you for sharing!
diane
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2024
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Good morning, Jim,
Having taught the "Walking Wounded" for the majority of my 38+ years of teaching, I could most assuredly relate to your well-crafted story.
Dynamic and believable characters.
Excellent dialogue.
Fine pacing.
Just a few tiny edits to consider:
*Somehow, I got through the rest of the school day. When the bell finally rang, the students tore out of their seat, (seats), banging into one another as they ran out the door.
*As the two huddled in close contact, they did not see Julio, Roberto and their pack eyeing them from the distance. (You've changed narration here from first person narrator to third person observer, Easy fix, if I may:
As we two huddled in close contact, we did not see Julio, Roberto and their pack eyeing us from the distance, but the next morning, we certainly realized we had been observed praying when...)
*Wherever you write
"the Principal" change to (the principal.. can capitalize if you give the man a proper name)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am a bit curious as to why Mr. A doesn't tell his class about Sabrina slitting her wrists. Just an observation; not a criticism.
One of your finest offerings that I have had the pleasure to read.
Thank you for sharing!
diane
Comment Written 11-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2024
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Thank you so much! I have a lot to learn about editing! People like you and Barbara Wilkey have really helped me. Tomorrow, for Valentine's Day, I am posting two very different "love" stories.
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I look forward to reading both of them, Jim!
Happy Valentine's Day!
diane
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Hope you enjoy them. And, if your husband doesn't mind, please be my long-distance Valentine!
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Hah!
It?s a deal, Jim!
Happy Valentine?s Day!
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I'll try never to fail you!
Comment from Carol Clark2
Tough story for a retired teacher to read. I had one or two students who were almost that bad, but can't imagine a whole class of them. My heart aches for kids like Sabrina. Realistic dialogue moves the story forward nicely. Great details, but not too many for the reader to absorb. Best wishes in the contest. Carol
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2024
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Tough story for a retired teacher to read. I had one or two students who were almost that bad, but can't imagine a whole class of them. My heart aches for kids like Sabrina. Realistic dialogue moves the story forward nicely. Great details, but not too many for the reader to absorb. Best wishes in the contest. Carol
Comment Written 11-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2024
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I am honored and humbled. Tomorrow, for Valentine's Day, I am posting two very different "love" stories.
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
This feels really personal. Steam is coming off the story in parts. This is really not my genre of story to read, but I was compelled to finish it. Your writing was fluid, it did not bog down anywhere, or lose traction. Good writing. Karen
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2024
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This feels really personal. Steam is coming off the story in parts. This is really not my genre of story to read, but I was compelled to finish it. Your writing was fluid, it did not bog down anywhere, or lose traction. Good writing. Karen
Comment Written 11-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2024
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Thank you so much for your wonderful comments. Thanks for reading!
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U R most welcome. Are you going to the doctor tomorrow?
Let me know how it all comes out. hahaha I could not resist.
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I. hopefully, will see him Feb. 20. However, tomorrow, I will most likely see out Nurse Practitioner. Thanks and God Bless!
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let me know what happens
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I will, and I'm thankful. It was Prayer that saved me and changed my Life!
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Well, we try to find where we belong, or need to be. I belong here for now. :-)
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I'm so glad you're here!
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Thanks bunches and bunches and heaps and heaps. :-) Karen
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Your words are even better than Gypsy hugs! (But don't tell Gypsy!)
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No word will pass these lips.
:-)
Comment from Navada
As a teacher, I could empathise with almost everyone in this challenging situation and particularly with poor Sabrina. Thank God for the teachers who work in this context on a daily basis - they're made of sterner stuff than me.
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2024
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As a teacher, I could empathise with almost everyone in this challenging situation and particularly with poor Sabrina. Thank God for the teachers who work in this context on a daily basis - they're made of sterner stuff than me.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2024
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I don't think I could do that work anymore, either, even if I were not in a wheelchair.
Comment from Wendy G
Excellent, a wonderful piece of work, again about a caring teacher. Those kids were certainly tough ones, and teaching them to love learning would be almost impossible without a miracle! Well written.
Wendy
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reply by the author on 11-Feb-2024
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Excellent, a wonderful piece of work, again about a caring teacher. Those kids were certainly tough ones, and teaching them to love learning would be almost impossible without a miracle! Well written.
Wendy
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Comment Written 11-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2024
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Thank you so much for your generous words!
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
Wow, Jim, this post packed quite a punch. As a teacher and a Christian, I could relate to both angles. As a human being, I could feel the pain of a young lady who feels she's gotten the one person who cared about her in trouble.
Having taught before in an inner city school, I can relate as well. It's a rough crowd sometimes, but I touched the lives of many in the process. They aren't used to anyone caring.
Since then, though, I go for easier assignments.
Great job,
Hugs,
Rhonda
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reply by the author on 11-Feb-2024
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Wow, Jim, this post packed quite a punch. As a teacher and a Christian, I could relate to both angles. As a human being, I could feel the pain of a young lady who feels she's gotten the one person who cared about her in trouble.
Having taught before in an inner city school, I can relate as well. It's a rough crowd sometimes, but I touched the lives of many in the process. They aren't used to anyone caring.
Since then, though, I go for easier assignments.
Great job,
Hugs,
Rhonda
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2024
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It was based partly on a situation during my years as a Program Coordinator.
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Oh wow. What programs did you coordinate?
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It wasn't a TV kind of program. It was in an agency called STAR, and I had a caseload of many adults with various behavior, emotional, mental, and developmental challenges. Basically, I was the hub of the wheel and reported and met with all the families and professionals assigned to them, helped coach them, write periodic reports and case notes, be a friend, a father, or whatever they needed. I never wanted to leave that job, but I became disabled.
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That sounds like such a fulfilling career, my friend. It also seems very challenging. I imagine you have experiences upon experiences you could share.
Hugs,
Rhonda
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Some of my last posting "Everyone Dies" included loose adaptations of experiences from my brief teaching career and my P.C. work. When I taught, I was supposed to start a learning center, but the students basically needed someone who could speak Spanish, and not a Learning Center. My name was "Vecchio" and the Spanish word for cow is "Baca", a similar sound, so they referred to me as "Mr. Cow." I also, as P.C. was reprimanded for discussing Christ with a woman. Later on, she committed suicide.
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Oh wow, I had no idea this was a story related to your own past. Wow! What an experience!
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Yes. Also there was a staff member, a middle manager, who called me to her office one day. She asked me about Jesus, and I told her, but was a little timid. Shortly thereafter, she was found dead. The talk was it was suicide. So, please, never be timid about sharing your faith and beliefs with anyone!