Reviews from

Life, Death, Up, Down

Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "everybody dies"
short stories

36 total reviews 
Comment from Mrs. KT
Excellent
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Good morning, Jim,
Having taught the "Walking Wounded" for the majority of my 38+ years of teaching, I could most assuredly relate to your well-crafted story.
Dynamic and believable characters.
Excellent dialogue.
Fine pacing.

Just a few tiny edits to consider:
*Somehow, I got through the rest of the school day. When the bell finally rang, the students tore out of their seat, (seats), banging into one another as they ran out the door.

*As the two huddled in close contact, they did not see Julio, Roberto and their pack eyeing them from the distance. (You've changed narration here from first person narrator to third person observer, Easy fix, if I may:
As we two huddled in close contact, we did not see Julio, Roberto and their pack eyeing us from the distance, but the next morning, we certainly realized we had been observed praying when...)

*Wherever you write
"the Principal" change to (the principal.. can capitalize if you give the man a proper name)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am a bit curious as to why Mr. A doesn't tell his class about Sabrina slitting her wrists. Just an observation; not a criticism.

One of your finest offerings that I have had the pleasure to read.
Thank you for sharing!
diane

 Comment Written 11-Feb-2024


reply by the author on 13-Feb-2024
    Thank you so much! I have a lot to learn about editing! People like you and Barbara Wilkey have really helped me. Tomorrow, for Valentine's Day, I am posting two very different "love" stories.
reply by Mrs. KT on 13-Feb-2024
    I look forward to reading both of them, Jim!
    Happy Valentine's Day!

    diane
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2024
    Hope you enjoy them. And, if your husband doesn't mind, please be my long-distance Valentine!
reply by Mrs. KT on 14-Feb-2024
    Hah!
    It?s a deal, Jim!
    Happy Valentine?s Day!
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2024
    I'll try never to fail you!
Comment from Carol Clark2
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Tough story for a retired teacher to read. I had one or two students who were almost that bad, but can't imagine a whole class of them. My heart aches for kids like Sabrina. Realistic dialogue moves the story forward nicely. Great details, but not too many for the reader to absorb. Best wishes in the contest. Carol

 Comment Written 11-Feb-2024


reply by the author on 13-Feb-2024
    I am honored and humbled. Tomorrow, for Valentine's Day, I am posting two very different "love" stories.
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

This feels really personal. Steam is coming off the story in parts. This is really not my genre of story to read, but I was compelled to finish it. Your writing was fluid, it did not bog down anywhere, or lose traction. Good writing. Karen

 Comment Written 11-Feb-2024


reply by the author on 11-Feb-2024
    Thank you so much for your wonderful comments. Thanks for reading!
reply by Karen Cherry Threadgill on 12-Feb-2024
    U R most welcome. Are you going to the doctor tomorrow?
    Let me know how it all comes out. hahaha I could not resist.
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2024
    I. hopefully, will see him Feb. 20. However, tomorrow, I will most likely see out Nurse Practitioner. Thanks and God Bless!
reply by Karen Cherry Threadgill on 12-Feb-2024
    let me know what happens
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2024
    I will, and I'm thankful. It was Prayer that saved me and changed my Life!
reply by Karen Cherry Threadgill on 12-Feb-2024
    Well, we try to find where we belong, or need to be. I belong here for now. :-)
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2024
    I'm so glad you're here!
reply by Karen Cherry Threadgill on 13-Feb-2024
    Thanks bunches and bunches and heaps and heaps. :-) Karen
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2024
    Your words are even better than Gypsy hugs! (But don't tell Gypsy!)
reply by Karen Cherry Threadgill on 13-Feb-2024
    No word will pass these lips.
    :-)
Comment from Navada
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

As a teacher, I could empathise with almost everyone in this challenging situation and particularly with poor Sabrina. Thank God for the teachers who work in this context on a daily basis - they're made of sterner stuff than me.

 Comment Written 11-Feb-2024


reply by the author on 11-Feb-2024
    I don't think I could do that work anymore, either, even if I were not in a wheelchair.
Comment from Wendy G
Excellent
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Excellent, a wonderful piece of work, again about a caring teacher. Those kids were certainly tough ones, and teaching them to love learning would be almost impossible without a miracle! Well written.
Wendy

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 Comment Written 11-Feb-2024


reply by the author on 11-Feb-2024
    Thank you so much for your generous words!
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Wow, Jim, this post packed quite a punch. As a teacher and a Christian, I could relate to both angles. As a human being, I could feel the pain of a young lady who feels she's gotten the one person who cared about her in trouble.
Having taught before in an inner city school, I can relate as well. It's a rough crowd sometimes, but I touched the lives of many in the process. They aren't used to anyone caring.
Since then, though, I go for easier assignments.

Great job,
Hugs,
Rhonda

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 Comment Written 11-Feb-2024


reply by the author on 11-Feb-2024
    It was based partly on a situation during my years as a Program Coordinator.
reply by davisr (Rhonda) on 11-Feb-2024
    Oh wow. What programs did you coordinate?
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2024
    It wasn't a TV kind of program. It was in an agency called STAR, and I had a caseload of many adults with various behavior, emotional, mental, and developmental challenges. Basically, I was the hub of the wheel and reported and met with all the families and professionals assigned to them, helped coach them, write periodic reports and case notes, be a friend, a father, or whatever they needed. I never wanted to leave that job, but I became disabled.
reply by davisr (Rhonda) on 11-Feb-2024
    That sounds like such a fulfilling career, my friend. It also seems very challenging. I imagine you have experiences upon experiences you could share.
    Hugs,
    Rhonda
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2024
    Some of my last posting "Everyone Dies" included loose adaptations of experiences from my brief teaching career and my P.C. work. When I taught, I was supposed to start a learning center, but the students basically needed someone who could speak Spanish, and not a Learning Center. My name was "Vecchio" and the Spanish word for cow is "Baca", a similar sound, so they referred to me as "Mr. Cow." I also, as P.C. was reprimanded for discussing Christ with a woman. Later on, she committed suicide.
reply by davisr (Rhonda) on 11-Feb-2024
    Oh wow, I had no idea this was a story related to your own past. Wow! What an experience!
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2024
    Yes. Also there was a staff member, a middle manager, who called me to her office one day. She asked me about Jesus, and I told her, but was a little timid. Shortly thereafter, she was found dead. The talk was it was suicide. So, please, never be timid about sharing your faith and beliefs with anyone!