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Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Old Lady"A Flash Fiction Collection
35 total reviews
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Oh Lordy, Lancellot, thank goodness I's not like your friend here! LOL! I loved this. Who would ever suspect an old lady with a walker was the killer, getting her revenge on the police for what they'd done to her Robbie. I'm afraid there are too any police out there, who seem to enjoy killing as much at the gangsters, but they think being in the police it protects them. Good for old Mildred! Well done, my friend, I really enjoyed this story. :)) Sandra xxx
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Oh Lordy, Lancellot, thank goodness I's not like your friend here! LOL! I loved this. Who would ever suspect an old lady with a walker was the killer, getting her revenge on the police for what they'd done to her Robbie. I'm afraid there are too any police out there, who seem to enjoy killing as much at the gangsters, but they think being in the police it protects them. Good for old Mildred! Well done, my friend, I really enjoyed this story. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment Written 26-Mar-2023
Comment from Jim Wile
Yep, appearances can certainly be deceiving. I enjoyed this surprising tale of an old lady seeking revenge for her Robbie. Well-written.
I did have trouble making sense out of and picturing what happened in this scene, however: Jackson nodded. "Thanks. Now, please leave. It's not safe." Jackson paused at the indicated door, then kicked it open. "Show me your hands!" Jackson's eyes opened wide. "Oh, God!"
Did he see an empty closet and suddenly realized he'd been duped by the old lady? It seems more likely that he would just have thought she was a senile old lady and was mistaken about the correct door.
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2023
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Yep, appearances can certainly be deceiving. I enjoyed this surprising tale of an old lady seeking revenge for her Robbie. Well-written.
I did have trouble making sense out of and picturing what happened in this scene, however: Jackson nodded. "Thanks. Now, please leave. It's not safe." Jackson paused at the indicated door, then kicked it open. "Show me your hands!" Jackson's eyes opened wide. "Oh, God!"
Did he see an empty closet and suddenly realized he'd been duped by the old lady? It seems more likely that he would just have thought she was a senile old lady and was mistaken about the correct door.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2023
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Yes, he saw an empty closet. That made him realize he'd been duped. But, that is no written clear enough. I see now, that I can make it better. Thank you, Jim.
Comment from phill doran
Hello Lance,
This is a very fine tale - if it has a drawback it is only that this is too short. There's a wealth of material you could build around this framework. I know 'short' is what the site appears to thrive on, but I think you have sufficient standing to stretch yourself and readers will follow. Flash will only get you so far.
As it stands, it is sharp and tight: a really fast read, with some casual stuff thrown in - the Asian reference, and the smell of Bengay for example: these are very light touches yet they create depth.
Even the reference to "Robbie", letting the reader concoct their own backstory.
You always write well, but here you are definitely writing weller!
cheers
phill
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Hello Lance,
This is a very fine tale - if it has a drawback it is only that this is too short. There's a wealth of material you could build around this framework. I know 'short' is what the site appears to thrive on, but I think you have sufficient standing to stretch yourself and readers will follow. Flash will only get you so far.
As it stands, it is sharp and tight: a really fast read, with some casual stuff thrown in - the Asian reference, and the smell of Bengay for example: these are very light touches yet they create depth.
Even the reference to "Robbie", letting the reader concoct their own backstory.
You always write well, but here you are definitely writing weller!
cheers
phill
Comment Written 26-Mar-2023
Comment from Nicki Nance
This is so well written. I like how Mildred emerges as the central character. This has a few more dimensions than the typical street crime/officer down openings I have seen and read.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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This is so well written. I like how Mildred emerges as the central character. This has a few more dimensions than the typical street crime/officer down openings I have seen and read.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2023
Comment from Shirley McLain
What a story you wrote. It was exciting and tense at the same time. No one suspects an old lady. I wonder if there has ever been a case like this? You did a great job. Have a blessed Sunday. Shirley
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What a story you wrote. It was exciting and tense at the same time. No one suspects an old lady. I wonder if there has ever been a case like this? You did a great job. Have a blessed Sunday. Shirley
Comment Written 26-Mar-2023