Betrayal
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Betrayal Chapter 2"In the title.
49 total reviews
Comment from tfawcus
Wow! The plot thickens. A fiery interview and a bombshell thrown in at the end. Finely nuanced characterisation both in the dialogue and the action tags.
Only one small suggestion. I found "I've a few successful designs to my name, of which I've mentioned in my C.V." slightly stilted for dialogue. I'd probably have written (and said) 'as I've mentioned in my C.V.' rather than 'of which'.
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2020
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Wow! The plot thickens. A fiery interview and a bombshell thrown in at the end. Finely nuanced characterisation both in the dialogue and the action tags.
Only one small suggestion. I found "I've a few successful designs to my name, of which I've mentioned in my C.V." slightly stilted for dialogue. I'd probably have written (and said) 'as I've mentioned in my C.V.' rather than 'of which'.
Comment Written 05-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2020
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Thank you so much for the lovely six stars, Tony, and the great review. I see what you mean about that sentence, I'll go and sort it. Thank you for spotting that. It's those little things that make it believable or not. Have a lovely day, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from aryr
An amazing continuation chapter Sandra. It was easy reading and distinctly identified Tania, Grant and Lorna. I really loved the part in which Tania refused to leave her designs yet was polite enough to thank the pair. It was a surprising closing because everyone was wondering whose designs they really were. Well done. Hugs, smiles and blessings.
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2020
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An amazing continuation chapter Sandra. It was easy reading and distinctly identified Tania, Grant and Lorna. I really loved the part in which Tania refused to leave her designs yet was polite enough to thank the pair. It was a surprising closing because everyone was wondering whose designs they really were. Well done. Hugs, smiles and blessings.
Comment Written 05-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2020
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Thank you so much for this lovely review, Alie. I'm chuffed to bits you area enjoying my new book. I hope I continue to keep your attention. I do like it that you review my work. Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
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Oh, Sandra, it is my pleasure to read your writings. This definitely has an interesting flare to it. You are so welcome.
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Thanks, Alie. xxxx
Comment from Sanku
Oh wow! That was quite a shocker ,not only to tania but also to the readers. A very nice turning ans keeps the reader on a high tension string!..Waiting for more.
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2020
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Oh wow! That was quite a shocker ,not only to tania but also to the readers. A very nice turning ans keeps the reader on a high tension string!..Waiting for more.
Comment Written 05-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2020
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Thank you so very much for those shiny six stars, Sanku, and the fabulous review! I'm chuffed to bits that you enjoyed this part, and want more! That's so encouraging. Sending you a humongous hug! :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from Roxanna Andrews
Oh dear, what is going on. I can't believe Tania would steal a design. Can't wait to find out what is going on. Hurry with the next chapter. =] Very well done as always dear. Rox
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2020
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Oh dear, what is going on. I can't believe Tania would steal a design. Can't wait to find out what is going on. Hurry with the next chapter. =] Very well done as always dear. Rox
Comment Written 05-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2020
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Aw, thank you, Rox, that is such a lovely review. I'm so pleased you enjoyed this part. It gets hotter in the next part! Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from DeboraDyess
lol - her day is going from bad to worse and his, to the better. Love the contradiction in their viewpoints!
and middle-aged, smiled, her eyes were warm and friendly as she pointed to the chair in front of them. >> and middle-aged, smiled. Her eyes were warm and friendly as she pointed to the chair in front of them. >> If you divide the sentence, it will feel 'friendlier' to the reader. :)
Since Lorna asks her to take a 'seat', I think I'd have Tania walk over to a 'chair'. It's nit-picky, I know, but the repetition is pretty obvious.
Love his observation of her eyes!
on his calf to bring back to the >> on his calf to bring (him) back to the >> GOOD FOR LORNA! lol
I do love the word 'amok'! :)
Love your attention to detail and the interplay of thoughts and dialogue
we will take good care of them while they are in our care,' >> Again the repetition. This one isn't as easy, and, since it's in dialogue, it might be okay. (We do it all the time in conversation.) Maybe this, though: we will take good care of them while they are in our possession,'
He frowned trying to fathom it. >> He frowned, trying to fathom it.
satisfaction spread through Tania, it was all she could do, not to say, told you so! >> satisfaction spread through Tania. It was all she could do not to say, 'told you so!'
What? Wait! What? Girl, what are you doing to us! :)
Can't wait for the next part!
Blessings,
Debs
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2020
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lol - her day is going from bad to worse and his, to the better. Love the contradiction in their viewpoints!
and middle-aged, smiled, her eyes were warm and friendly as she pointed to the chair in front of them. >> and middle-aged, smiled. Her eyes were warm and friendly as she pointed to the chair in front of them. >> If you divide the sentence, it will feel 'friendlier' to the reader. :)
Since Lorna asks her to take a 'seat', I think I'd have Tania walk over to a 'chair'. It's nit-picky, I know, but the repetition is pretty obvious.
Love his observation of her eyes!
on his calf to bring back to the >> on his calf to bring (him) back to the >> GOOD FOR LORNA! lol
I do love the word 'amok'! :)
Love your attention to detail and the interplay of thoughts and dialogue
we will take good care of them while they are in our care,' >> Again the repetition. This one isn't as easy, and, since it's in dialogue, it might be okay. (We do it all the time in conversation.) Maybe this, though: we will take good care of them while they are in our possession,'
He frowned trying to fathom it. >> He frowned, trying to fathom it.
satisfaction spread through Tania, it was all she could do, not to say, told you so! >> satisfaction spread through Tania. It was all she could do not to say, 'told you so!'
What? Wait! What? Girl, what are you doing to us! :)
Can't wait for the next part!
Blessings,
Debs
Comment Written 05-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2020
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Thank you so very much, Debs, for taking so much time on this review, I really appreciated it. Those doubling up of words, 'seat' 'care' I've replaced the seat with chair, as you suggested. And changed 'care' with
'hands.' And corrected the other nits you picked up. I loved that you picked out the parts you liked. That gave me a buzz! :)) And I'm really pleased you like the way the story is going, that is very encouraging. Warm hugs, my dear friend! Have a lovely day. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from blondie560
I'm hooked and I can't wait to read more. I hope you post more soon. I think there are going to be lots of fireworks between Grant and Tania! Great story!
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2020
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I'm hooked and I can't wait to read more. I hope you post more soon. I think there are going to be lots of fireworks between Grant and Tania! Great story!
Comment Written 04-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2020
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What a great review, thank you so very much, Blondie! Yes, you're right, the sparks will continue to fly between Grant and Tania. Thank you so much for the 6 stars, my friend, that is so kind of you. I'm delighted you enjoyed this chapter. Warm hugs. Sandra xxx
Comment from L. Kalere
Hi Sandra...I loved your second chapter! The tension pulls you in, and the intrigue holds you there. I like the characters more as they've interacted in a more controlled setting. Wonderful ending. Looking forward to the next chapter.
Linda
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2020
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Hi Sandra...I loved your second chapter! The tension pulls you in, and the intrigue holds you there. I like the characters more as they've interacted in a more controlled setting. Wonderful ending. Looking forward to the next chapter.
Linda
Comment Written 04-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2020
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What a lovely review, Linda! Thank you so very much. I'm delighted you enjoyed this chapter. More fun coming! Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from Cindy Decker
Hi, Sandra. Excellent cliffhanger! Tania was so confident with her designs, how is it possible she has these plagiarized designs? I believe she's honest, so... I can't wait for your next installment.'!
Good luck in your contest, Sandra.
A F A
Cindy
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2020
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Hi, Sandra. Excellent cliffhanger! Tania was so confident with her designs, how is it possible she has these plagiarized designs? I believe she's honest, so... I can't wait for your next installment.'!
Good luck in your contest, Sandra.
A F A
Cindy
Comment Written 04-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2020
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Tania didn't need that, did she. Poor girl can't seem to turn her day around. More sparks will be flying in the next chapter. :)) Thank you so very much for the lovely six stars, and your very encouraging review. Sending you a warm hug, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from Mary Kay Bonfante
Fantastic interplay, swiftly moving dialogue, bright characters -- you have the beginnings of a very exciting novel here. Your main character, Tania, is very sympathetic and likable. You've built up an even greater momentum in this chapter, than in the previous one.
Suggested revisions:
The woman, attractive and middle-aged, smiled, her eyes were warm and friendly as she pointed to the chair in front of them.
-->
The woman, attractive and middle-aged, smiled; her eyes were warm and friendly as she pointed to the chair in front of them.
until he felt Lorna give him a painful kick on his calf to bring back to the interview.
-->
until he felt Lorna give him a painful kick on his calf to bring him back to the interview.
...the recreation facilities, medical, everything.
-->
...the recreation facilities, medical, everything.'
When Tania glanced down she noticed her knuckels...
-->
When Tania glanced down she noticed her knuckles...
He'd been listening to this little wildcat with increasing interest,
-->
He'd been listening to this little wildcat with increasing interest;
'We still have three other finalist's work to examine...
-->
'We still have three other finalists' work to examine...
Grant was up and around the desk in a flash. Startling both Lorna and Tania.
-->
Grant was up and around the desk in a flash, startling both Lorna and Tania.
You closed this chapter on a high note of tension, as Grant doubts Tania's integrity, but I just know there will be a very reasonable explanation for his familiarity with her work!
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2020
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Fantastic interplay, swiftly moving dialogue, bright characters -- you have the beginnings of a very exciting novel here. Your main character, Tania, is very sympathetic and likable. You've built up an even greater momentum in this chapter, than in the previous one.
Suggested revisions:
The woman, attractive and middle-aged, smiled, her eyes were warm and friendly as she pointed to the chair in front of them.
-->
The woman, attractive and middle-aged, smiled; her eyes were warm and friendly as she pointed to the chair in front of them.
until he felt Lorna give him a painful kick on his calf to bring back to the interview.
-->
until he felt Lorna give him a painful kick on his calf to bring him back to the interview.
...the recreation facilities, medical, everything.
-->
...the recreation facilities, medical, everything.'
When Tania glanced down she noticed her knuckels...
-->
When Tania glanced down she noticed her knuckles...
He'd been listening to this little wildcat with increasing interest,
-->
He'd been listening to this little wildcat with increasing interest;
'We still have three other finalist's work to examine...
-->
'We still have three other finalists' work to examine...
Grant was up and around the desk in a flash. Startling both Lorna and Tania.
-->
Grant was up and around the desk in a flash, startling both Lorna and Tania.
You closed this chapter on a high note of tension, as Grant doubts Tania's integrity, but I just know there will be a very reasonable explanation for his familiarity with her work!
Comment Written 04-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2020
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Thank you so very much for your wonderful review and the six shiny stars, Mary, I really appreciated them. And all the time you spent with the edits. I'm made all the corrections, and it reads so much better now. :))
One that you pointed out wasn't an error, though....
....the recreation facilities, medical, everything..... This didn't need the closing speech tags because she continues with a new paragraph, so you just need the opening speech tags to continue. Had someone else started the next paragraph, I would have needed to close Tania's sentence.
I'm really delighted you enjoyed this chapter, I'm having fun with these two characters. More excitement in the next part. Thanks again, my friend. Warm hugs, Sandra xxx
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You're very welcome, Sandra. You know, I wasn't 100% sure about the closing quote mark. Years ago, I know that was the rule, but somehow I didn't think that was still the case. You're probably right! Thanks for pointing that out. It's a pleasure to read and review your work. Love and blessings, Mary Kay
Comment from Cindy Warren
I don't think I'd leave anything with them either. I think they are hers, but he'll claim them if he can. There's something seriously wrong with this guy. Tania would be smart to take her designs and leave.
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2020
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I don't think I'd leave anything with them either. I think they are hers, but he'll claim them if he can. There's something seriously wrong with this guy. Tania would be smart to take her designs and leave.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2020
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Aw, thank you, Cindy. I'm glad you are on Tania's side. Thank you so much for your lovely review, my friend. I really appreciated your kind words. Warm hugs. Sandra xxx