Betrayal
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Betrayal Chapter 1"In the title.
53 total reviews
Comment from Bill Pinder
I enjoyed reading this well written chapter of your new book. It comes across as a very believable situation, and it draws empathy for the main character. I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter. Good luck! Bill
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2020
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I enjoyed reading this well written chapter of your new book. It comes across as a very believable situation, and it draws empathy for the main character. I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter. Good luck! Bill
Comment Written 29-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2020
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Thank you so very much for this really lovely review, Bill. You have surely made my day with your kind words. It's nerve wracking putting the first chapter on, but your words are so encouraging. Thank you, my friend. :) Sandra xx
Comment from JudyE
This promises to be as interesting as Eric's stories. Tania's character is developing well and you've captured the interest of your reader right from the beginning.
I do have a few suggestions but feel free to ignore them.
Now she'd got it all out, Tania's eyes dropped to the mud splattered on her coat. - You used 'mud splattered' in the very first sentence. I know this is well down the page but I might have tried to find synonyms instead of using 'mud splattered' a second time.
Grant frowned as he watched her disappear - there is an extra space before 'Grant'
'Did you know you have mud on your nose?' The receptionist said softly - lower-case for 'the'
Taking her mirror out of the handbag, Tania felt the heat - maybe 'Taking a mirror out of her handbag...'
Tania's best friend, Monica Fox, had told her about an upcoming multi-billion pound project. The plan was to turn a huge, derelict building site into one of London's most exclusive residential areas. She looked the company up on Google. Thistlegate Enterprises was the company investing the money for this project. Tania had heard of them. Who hadn't? They were a worldwide conglomerate. - Did Tania know the name of the company before looking it up? If so, I might have rearranged the paragraph a bit differently. Maybe 'Tania's best friend, Monica Fox, had told her about an upcoming multi-billion pound project. The plan was to turn a huge, derelict building site into one of London's most exclusive residential areas. Thistlegate Enterprises was the company investing the money for this project. Tania had heard of them. Who hadn't? They were a worldwide conglomerate. Tania researched them on Google.
Whoever comes up with an extraordinary design, would get the job. - I would have said 'Whoever came up...'
Finally, the day of the interviews arrived, and after almost working around the clock, she'd left home with hope - maybe 'after working almost around the clock'. And there is an extra space before 'Finally'
The other woman was called in for her interview first. - there is an extra space before 'The'
Some thirty minutes later she reappeared ... minus her portfolio, but her smile was intact. - maybe 'minus her portfolio, but with her smile intact'
Looking forward to chapter 2.
Best wishes
Judy
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2020
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This promises to be as interesting as Eric's stories. Tania's character is developing well and you've captured the interest of your reader right from the beginning.
I do have a few suggestions but feel free to ignore them.
Now she'd got it all out, Tania's eyes dropped to the mud splattered on her coat. - You used 'mud splattered' in the very first sentence. I know this is well down the page but I might have tried to find synonyms instead of using 'mud splattered' a second time.
Grant frowned as he watched her disappear - there is an extra space before 'Grant'
'Did you know you have mud on your nose?' The receptionist said softly - lower-case for 'the'
Taking her mirror out of the handbag, Tania felt the heat - maybe 'Taking a mirror out of her handbag...'
Tania's best friend, Monica Fox, had told her about an upcoming multi-billion pound project. The plan was to turn a huge, derelict building site into one of London's most exclusive residential areas. She looked the company up on Google. Thistlegate Enterprises was the company investing the money for this project. Tania had heard of them. Who hadn't? They were a worldwide conglomerate. - Did Tania know the name of the company before looking it up? If so, I might have rearranged the paragraph a bit differently. Maybe 'Tania's best friend, Monica Fox, had told her about an upcoming multi-billion pound project. The plan was to turn a huge, derelict building site into one of London's most exclusive residential areas. Thistlegate Enterprises was the company investing the money for this project. Tania had heard of them. Who hadn't? They were a worldwide conglomerate. Tania researched them on Google.
Whoever comes up with an extraordinary design, would get the job. - I would have said 'Whoever came up...'
Finally, the day of the interviews arrived, and after almost working around the clock, she'd left home with hope - maybe 'after working almost around the clock'. And there is an extra space before 'Finally'
The other woman was called in for her interview first. - there is an extra space before 'The'
Some thirty minutes later she reappeared ... minus her portfolio, but her smile was intact. - maybe 'minus her portfolio, but with her smile intact'
Looking forward to chapter 2.
Best wishes
Judy
Comment Written 29-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2020
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That was a lovely review, Judy, thank you so much. I've made those corrections, and changed the second mud splattered, to sludgy mess...
I hadn't noticed that one. I try to be so careful about using the same words in a sentence, but some seem to slip through. I really appreciate your time going through this first part, thank you. I'm also really chuffed that you thought is would be as interesting as Eric's! Thank you again, my friend, warm hugs, Sandra xx
Comment from Mary Kay Bonfante
You definitely have my attention! Somehow I knew, early on, that the man who splashed Tania with mud, Grant Blake was going to be the same man who would interview her -- but I look forward to seeing both how the interview will play out, and what the outcome will be. There will certainly be some awkward moments. I think she will also have the best design!
Here are some suggested revisions:
Gratefully, she took a tissue, she wiped over her nose and the rest of her face.
-->
Gratefully, she took a tissue, wiping it over her nose and the rest of her face.
Leaving his army career in Special Forces,
-->
Leaving his Army career in Special Forces,
Have you written and published this book already? It seems unlikely, but possible, because you already have a nice cover! I enjoyed reading this chapter, which flowed very well.
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2020
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You definitely have my attention! Somehow I knew, early on, that the man who splashed Tania with mud, Grant Blake was going to be the same man who would interview her -- but I look forward to seeing both how the interview will play out, and what the outcome will be. There will certainly be some awkward moments. I think she will also have the best design!
Here are some suggested revisions:
Gratefully, she took a tissue, she wiped over her nose and the rest of her face.
-->
Gratefully, she took a tissue, wiping it over her nose and the rest of her face.
Leaving his army career in Special Forces,
-->
Leaving his Army career in Special Forces,
Have you written and published this book already? It seems unlikely, but possible, because you already have a nice cover! I enjoyed reading this chapter, which flowed very well.
Comment Written 29-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2020
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Thank you so very much for the lovely review and all those stars, Mary! I'm over the moon that you enjoyed the first chapter. Thank you for those suggestions, and corrections, I'll sort those now.
No, it isn't finished yet. While I was writing my ABC book, to have a break from researching, I started writing this one. To put some sort of picture with the first chapter when I eventually did start posting, I went into Pixabay, they have an amazing collection of pictures, free for personal and commercial use. I found the background with the architect's plans, then took a photo of my grandson and his fiance, and had them pose for me the way I wanted. The title and my name went on, and I had my cover! Cost me nothing. I'm pleased with how it's turned out. If ever you need pictures, take a look at that site. I've had cartoon pics for children's books, whatever you need, you put in a word, like, night-skies, aliens, dinosaurs, anything, and loads will pop up. I'm so pleased you like my cover. Thank you, Mary, Have a wonderful day, my friend. Sandra xx
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You're very welcome, Sandra. And thank YOU for the unexpectedly detailed information about Pixabay. That was very generous of you, and I have made a note of it. It may come in handy one day! God bless you.
Love, Mary Kay xoxo
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Grabbed and held my attention--excellent description of scenes--backstory fleshes out characters. Cheers. LIZ (Bemused means puzzled--is that what you mean besides his being amused?)
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2020
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Grabbed and held my attention--excellent description of scenes--backstory fleshes out characters. Cheers. LIZ (Bemused means puzzled--is that what you mean besides his being amused?)
Comment Written 28-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2020
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Hi Liz, thank you so much for this lovely review, and picking up on that word. I've corrected it now. I'm delighted you enjoyed the first chapter, that is so encouraging. Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from Shirley McLain
If I had a six it would be yours. I enjoyed reading this well written chapter. It had a good flow, with lots of action and tension. You did an excellent job and I'm looking forward to reading more. Shirley
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2020
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If I had a six it would be yours. I enjoyed reading this well written chapter. It had a good flow, with lots of action and tension. You did an excellent job and I'm looking forward to reading more. Shirley
Comment Written 28-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2020
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Aw, thank you, Shirley! A virtual six means a lot. I'm delighted you enjoyed the first chapter in my new book. Thank you, my friend. Warm hugs. Sandra xxx
Comment from Pam (respa)
-First, the cover is fantastic!!
-The story begins very well as we meet Tania.
-Things don't begin too well for her as she gets
spattered with muddy water as a car goes by.
-But since he goes in a carpark,
she can give him a piece of her mind!
-The little we meet of Grant, he
is not used to anyone challenging him!
-That is going to make for a really
interesting dynamic if Tania gets the job!
-I'm sure she is beside herself as she
tries to get in the frame of mind for
an interview, especially after she gets
a good look at the other candidates.
-But the main one is the woman who walks
out very confidently, wearing a big smile.
-The ending is very good, and we can only
guess what had happened to Tania's designs
from past experiences, but she holds her head
high, and walks in. I wonder if she is going to see
Grant sitting in one of those elegant leather office chairs?!
-Well done, my friend.
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2020
|
-First, the cover is fantastic!!
-The story begins very well as we meet Tania.
-Things don't begin too well for her as she gets
spattered with muddy water as a car goes by.
-But since he goes in a carpark,
she can give him a piece of her mind!
-The little we meet of Grant, he
is not used to anyone challenging him!
-That is going to make for a really
interesting dynamic if Tania gets the job!
-I'm sure she is beside herself as she
tries to get in the frame of mind for
an interview, especially after she gets
a good look at the other candidates.
-But the main one is the woman who walks
out very confidently, wearing a big smile.
-The ending is very good, and we can only
guess what had happened to Tania's designs
from past experiences, but she holds her head
high, and walks in. I wonder if she is going to see
Grant sitting in one of those elegant leather office chairs?!
-Well done, my friend.
Comment Written 28-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2020
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Thank you so very much for this really lovely review, Pam. I can go to bed in a minute, happy. Now the first chapter is out, I can relax a bit. Thank you for the six stars, and for picking out all the parts you liked. You're the best. :) Warm hugs, my dear friend. Sandra xx
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You are very welcome and deserving, Sandra, and I am glad you saw it before you went to bed!
Have a good night and great day tomorrow😊
Comment from rspoet
Hello Sandra,
With a title like that, one must anticipate some nefarious behavior
will be appearing in future chapters.
I wonder if someone will 'grant' her wish to secure the position at
Thistlegate Enterprises. (great name, by the way) In the US, '-gate' names are sometimes associated with scandals, like Watergate.
Perhaps Tania will be a bit surprised when she walks into the office.
Great beginning with a good hook.
Well done.
Best wishes, my friend.
Robert
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2020
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Hello Sandra,
With a title like that, one must anticipate some nefarious behavior
will be appearing in future chapters.
I wonder if someone will 'grant' her wish to secure the position at
Thistlegate Enterprises. (great name, by the way) In the US, '-gate' names are sometimes associated with scandals, like Watergate.
Perhaps Tania will be a bit surprised when she walks into the office.
Great beginning with a good hook.
Well done.
Best wishes, my friend.
Robert
Comment Written 28-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2020
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I never thought of that. But I do remember Watergate, that was quite a scandal in its day. Quite a while ago now.
Thank you so much for your very kind comments on my first chapter. I have been quite nervous posting it, it's been a while since I wrote a 'grown-up' story, and the first chapter is the main one. So, your review is really encouraging. There definitely will be a surprise, but not what everyone is expecting. :)) Thank you for the golden stars, my friend! Warm hugs. Sandra xx
Comment from alexisleech
I've been so looking forward to this, and I certainly wasn't disappointed. The only problem is, I don't know where Mildred is going to fit in! Joking apart, you have left me anxious to read on and find out what happens at the interview. Don't keep us waiting too long!
Alexis xxx
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2020
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I've been so looking forward to this, and I certainly wasn't disappointed. The only problem is, I don't know where Mildred is going to fit in! Joking apart, you have left me anxious to read on and find out what happens at the interview. Don't keep us waiting too long!
Alexis xxx
Comment Written 28-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2020
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Ahh, dear Mildred, she is waiting patiently in the wings. I'm sure she'll burst onto the scene soon. :))
Thank you so much for your lovely review, Alexis, and the fabulous six stars! You've made my day, my friend. Sending you an extra warm hug. I know it's chilly in Scotland! :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Getting a job is not easy and come with lots of demands and sacrifices. I am sure your hero is going to be successful. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your new book.
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2020
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Getting a job is not easy and come with lots of demands and sacrifices. I am sure your hero is going to be successful. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your new book.
Comment Written 28-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2020
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Thank you for this kind review, Iza, I'm so pleased you came along and read the first chapter in my new book. Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from royowen
It always amazes me how you do it, I somehow doubt my ability to write fiction, it. must be great to be able to write a new series just like that Sandra, beautifully written dear girl, blessings Roy.
PS, you should've received your CD By now, perhaps I'll ask this end, Roy
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2020
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It always amazes me how you do it, I somehow doubt my ability to write fiction, it. must be great to be able to write a new series just like that Sandra, beautifully written dear girl, blessings Roy.
PS, you should've received your CD By now, perhaps I'll ask this end, Roy
Comment Written 28-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2020
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Thank you, Roy, for another of your lovely reviews. I have been nervous posting this new one, the first chapter is always the hardest. I really appreciated your very kind words. Warm hugs, dear friend. Sandra xx
No, still no sign. I'll let you know the moment it arrives. xxx
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Bless you. I can remember the early day, I wrote a poem called cringe, and that's what I did every time I posted
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LOL, we are so alike in some ways! xxx
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Thanks Sandra