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Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "The Bear Who Haunted Garnet"Free verse poems
30 total reviews
Comment from RodG
Ah, Carole, you do have a way of telling a western yarn that PUTS US THERE in Garnet. I love your camera work as you set the scene and bring the old bear into town. Wonderful characterization of HER, the mother grizzly full and content and just snooping among those miners before heading toward her mountain home. We understand why she's a legend as she always comes at nightfall and no one (alive or awake) has ever seen her. Just enough description of the town itself and what attracts her. I love your closing description of her. Rod
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2018
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Ah, Carole, you do have a way of telling a western yarn that PUTS US THERE in Garnet. I love your camera work as you set the scene and bring the old bear into town. Wonderful characterization of HER, the mother grizzly full and content and just snooping among those miners before heading toward her mountain home. We understand why she's a legend as she always comes at nightfall and no one (alive or awake) has ever seen her. Just enough description of the town itself and what attracts her. I love your closing description of her. Rod
Comment Written 27-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2018
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Yes, she was just snooping! Bears are intelligent and curious. I read a little bit about Garnet back in its heyday, it is quite different now - I've been there a few times. I also read that miners ended up being killed by bears fairly often.
Thanks for your support of my work, I really appreciate it. So glad you enjoyed this one!
Carol
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My pleasure always. Rod
Comment from Mastery
Very good, Carol. Your imagery in this one is confounding to say the least, like this:
"She shuffled with soft footfalls
crackling in yellow leaves,
snout snuffing the mead of fresh decay
and the blood still streaked
on her fur; felt in her bones"
Bravo, my friend. Bob
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2018
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Very good, Carol. Your imagery in this one is confounding to say the least, like this:
"She shuffled with soft footfalls
crackling in yellow leaves,
snout snuffing the mead of fresh decay
and the blood still streaked
on her fur; felt in her bones"
Bravo, my friend. Bob
Comment Written 27-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2018
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Thanks so much, Bob, I really enjoyed writing this one. I love bears (and yes, I'm afraid of grizzlies!)
Carol
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written free verse story poem about the now ghost town Garnet. The only visitors to this once flourishing town are the wolves and bears that occasionally find something to eat.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2018
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A very well-written free verse story poem about the now ghost town Garnet. The only visitors to this once flourishing town are the wolves and bears that occasionally find something to eat.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2018
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They actually have a cabin you can rent in Garnet now, run by the BLM. I think people ski into the town in winter - sounds like fun!
Carol
Comment from rama devi
Superb poetic portrait and story poem! The Bear POV is outstanding. Descriptive detail is outstanding. This drew me in and held my attention. The length did not matter, as it unfolded smoothly.
Almost a six but it still needs fine tuning for spag.
Fantastic phonetics in phrasing, especially with all the S sounds (etc) in this stanza:
She shuffled with soft footfalls
crackling in yellow leaves,
snout snuffing the mead of fresh decay
and the blood still streaked
on her fur; felt in her bones
the lowering light of fall,
the snow that would soon
pelt down in smothering drifts;
sensed the long sleep coming
and the tiny cubs already growing
in her belly.
Sounds super read aloud.
And this stanza, with alliterated C and other sounds like S and M and L and T, etc:
Close ahead the town glowed like coals
in the almost-night.
Cooking-smoke scent drifted
and a dull buzz of voices
emerged through silence.
Great alliteration of H here:
Habit, more than hunger,
drew her here.
(Etc- not noting all phonetic brilliance, as there are too many lines to quote!)
Great flow except for the places where spag issues hamper it...
A few suggestions:
*following an old creek bed, (NO COMMA)
as late October light poured
*through the lodgepoles(LODGE POLES).
*
Clouds blew around her(,) like scudding sea foam,
*Cooking-smoke scent drifted(,)
*
The miners had seen
her paw-prints, big as dinner plates(,)
outside their cabins,
*
Her nose caught a scent(,)
and she approached,
*
She'd ascend the mountain,
by scent(,) for her vision was poor,
FAVORITE LINES:
Clouds blew around her like scudding sea foam,
as if the first breath of winter
blew into the fading daylight.
If no one had seen her, how could they shoot her? These lines don't make sense:
They were afraid; she eluded
their bullets, even those of
the best hunters.
(Unless, I suppose, she had killed all the hunters who tried? If so, I would mention that).
AND:
sensing the sleeping human, slayed already
by drunkenness and despair. AWESOME LINE
She slashed a cheek with razor claws,
as if to anoint the sleeping man
with blood, or sorely-needed luck.
(Brilliant irony!)
LOVE the personification in the apt closing note:
and the old moon would rise
to gild her frosted fur.
Okay - as you see, I decided on awarding the six, in hopes you might take those spag suggestions, because I would not be able to return and upgrade from a five. This is great work on multiple levels. Bravo.
Warmly, rd
PS Had never heard of Garnet. Interesting notes.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2018
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Superb poetic portrait and story poem! The Bear POV is outstanding. Descriptive detail is outstanding. This drew me in and held my attention. The length did not matter, as it unfolded smoothly.
Almost a six but it still needs fine tuning for spag.
Fantastic phonetics in phrasing, especially with all the S sounds (etc) in this stanza:
She shuffled with soft footfalls
crackling in yellow leaves,
snout snuffing the mead of fresh decay
and the blood still streaked
on her fur; felt in her bones
the lowering light of fall,
the snow that would soon
pelt down in smothering drifts;
sensed the long sleep coming
and the tiny cubs already growing
in her belly.
Sounds super read aloud.
And this stanza, with alliterated C and other sounds like S and M and L and T, etc:
Close ahead the town glowed like coals
in the almost-night.
Cooking-smoke scent drifted
and a dull buzz of voices
emerged through silence.
Great alliteration of H here:
Habit, more than hunger,
drew her here.
(Etc- not noting all phonetic brilliance, as there are too many lines to quote!)
Great flow except for the places where spag issues hamper it...
A few suggestions:
*following an old creek bed, (NO COMMA)
as late October light poured
*through the lodgepoles(LODGE POLES).
*
Clouds blew around her(,) like scudding sea foam,
*Cooking-smoke scent drifted(,)
*
The miners had seen
her paw-prints, big as dinner plates(,)
outside their cabins,
*
Her nose caught a scent(,)
and she approached,
*
She'd ascend the mountain,
by scent(,) for her vision was poor,
FAVORITE LINES:
Clouds blew around her like scudding sea foam,
as if the first breath of winter
blew into the fading daylight.
If no one had seen her, how could they shoot her? These lines don't make sense:
They were afraid; she eluded
their bullets, even those of
the best hunters.
(Unless, I suppose, she had killed all the hunters who tried? If so, I would mention that).
AND:
sensing the sleeping human, slayed already
by drunkenness and despair. AWESOME LINE
She slashed a cheek with razor claws,
as if to anoint the sleeping man
with blood, or sorely-needed luck.
(Brilliant irony!)
LOVE the personification in the apt closing note:
and the old moon would rise
to gild her frosted fur.
Okay - as you see, I decided on awarding the six, in hopes you might take those spag suggestions, because I would not be able to return and upgrade from a five. This is great work on multiple levels. Bravo.
Warmly, rd
PS Had never heard of Garnet. Interesting notes.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2018
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I am going to immediately make the edits suggested re. the punctuation, and you're right about the hunters. I suppose they could have shot blindly into the darkness when she came around, but...? Also, the lodgepole pine is a common tree in Montana, and it is spelled as one word.
thank you so much for awarding the six, I really appreciate that as well as your kind words about my poem!!
Funny story about Garnet, it has been "restored" somewhat by the BLM, and there's a cabin you can rent in the town. I went there with my dad once, when he still worked for the BLM. I was curious about the cabin and went to peer through the blinds when I noticed a pair of legs standing inside, facing toward me - ha ha! My dad said, let's get out of here before he realizes you're with me! (BLM = Bureau of Land Management)
Hugs,
Carol
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How cool your dad worked for BLM. I remember meeting someone from BLM during my Outward Bound course in the Colorado Rockies when I was 17. A memorable time. How cool you went there, too!
Thanks for your kind response. Glad you made the edits.
Warm Hugs, rd
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I was had gone to work with him for the day. He was (is) a hydrologist and we had to follow a creek bed through thick brush and downfall. What an experience that was! Great memories :))
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Wonderful! :-))))
Comment from Mitchell Brontė
What a glorious picture of this beautiful old Grizzly you have painted with your words, you have brought this beautiful beast to life with your terrific imagery.
You really are a superb poet.
Best wishes
Mitchell
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2018
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What a glorious picture of this beautiful old Grizzly you have painted with your words, you have brought this beautiful beast to life with your terrific imagery.
You really are a superb poet.
Best wishes
Mitchell
Comment Written 27-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2018
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Thank you so much! Really appreciate your kind words :))
Carol
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
I really enjoyed your atmospheric write filled with the habits of the bear and the hunger she felt. Your write is sympathetic and rich with endearing metaphors, much enjoyed, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2018
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I really enjoyed your atmospheric write filled with the habits of the bear and the hunger she felt. Your write is sympathetic and rich with endearing metaphors, much enjoyed, love Dolly x
Comment Written 27-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2018
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I love bears - that is probably obvious. I mean, I'm scared of grizzlies but to see one from a distance is amazing!!
Thanks, Dolly :))
Carol
Comment from jenintorre
This free verse poem is amazing. The best peice that I have read in a very long time. You really seemed to get into the mind of the bear and the whole thing was so atmospheric. I simply loved it. Best wishes. Jen.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2018
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This free verse poem is amazing. The best peice that I have read in a very long time. You really seemed to get into the mind of the bear and the whole thing was so atmospheric. I simply loved it. Best wishes. Jen.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2018
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Thank you so much Jen! I really appreciate the six stars and your sweet comments. I love bears!
Carol
Comment from writer_13
Wow, this is a great poem. You bring the bear and the town to life with your words. The poem flowed beautifully. I really enjoyed reading it. Good job!
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2018
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Wow, this is a great poem. You bring the bear and the town to life with your words. The poem flowed beautifully. I really enjoyed reading it. Good job!
Comment Written 27-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2018
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Hi, thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed the story :))
Carol
Comment from country ranch writer
THE GRIZZLY BEAR CAN BE A PAIN WITH BEING ANGRY SEEMS LIKE ALL THE TIME. WE HAVE BEARS OUT HERE, YESTERDAY COMING HOME THERE WAS ON IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD A BIG BROWN ONE ABOUT 500LBS IT IS THE THIRD BROWN BEAR WE HAVE SEEN IN SIX MONTHS.
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reply by the author on 27-Oct-2018
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THE GRIZZLY BEAR CAN BE A PAIN WITH BEING ANGRY SEEMS LIKE ALL THE TIME. WE HAVE BEARS OUT HERE, YESTERDAY COMING HOME THERE WAS ON IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD A BIG BROWN ONE ABOUT 500LBS IT IS THE THIRD BROWN BEAR WE HAVE SEEN IN SIX MONTHS.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2018
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Where do you live that you saw a brown bear in the middle of your road? The last one I saw was in East Glacier. Thanks for reading my poem. I don't think grizzlies are angry, they are just grizzlies :))
Carol
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I live in Ft McCoy Florida I am sixteen miles from Ocala National Forest. I live in a place called hog valley. It is in the boonies.
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Sounds nice! I know that Florida has black bears (which can be brown in color). I used to see them a lot when I lived in Montana, not so much now.
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smiles
Comment from Joan E.
Thanks for your notes of additional context and the vivid picture to establish the mood for your free verse. I admired your appealing to so many of our senses as you told this story and your use of similes like "starlings," "sea foam" and "coals" to bring the bear's tale to life. Cheers- Joan
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2018
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Thanks for your notes of additional context and the vivid picture to establish the mood for your free verse. I admired your appealing to so many of our senses as you told this story and your use of similes like "starlings," "sea foam" and "coals" to bring the bear's tale to life. Cheers- Joan
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2018
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Thanks, Joan! This has been my little project for a week or two. I'm sure it's not quite "done" as I will keep working on it, but I have enjoyed my virtual trip to Garnet :))
Carol
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Thanks for sharing your virtual trip to Garnet. Have a pleasant weekend- Joan
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Thanks, and you as well!