Fortune Cookies
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Shadows"A Romantic, Superhero-like, Geek Horror story.
31 total reviews
Comment from Sharon Haiste
Well done. This is the beginning of an interesting story, I think.
Well written and easy to follow.
I look forward to reading more.
Sharon
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2017
  |
Well done. This is the beginning of an interesting story, I think.
Well written and easy to follow.
I look forward to reading more.
Sharon
Comment Written 29-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2017
-
Thank you! I appreciate the kind and thoughtful feedback and rating. There are more chapters included. Would love to hear what you think of the additional chapters as well Thank you again!
Comment from sunnilicious
Good novel installment. It stands well alone as a short story too. The 80's Oblivion was very relatable to me (or the audience). Interesting how the story unfolds. There's so much love with family and the truths come to light. Nice work.
Happy Halloween Weekend :)
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2017
|
Good novel installment. It stands well alone as a short story too. The 80's Oblivion was very relatable to me (or the audience). Interesting how the story unfolds. There's so much love with family and the truths come to light. Nice work.
Happy Halloween Weekend :)
Comment Written 28-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2017
-
Thank you. The 80s was the foundation of my childhood and figured to write about what I recalled. I hope you can read my other chapters to this developing and strange story written for all the believers. Thank you
Comment from kiwigirl2821
What I liked was the style of writing. For me, I have a more conversational style and in a way so did you in this piece. Your reader definitely gets the perspective and your characters are known to us in that we all probably know someone just like them. Your ending and the rolling blocks leave a reader with something to ponder. Well written, strong, enjoyable and I would continue reading should there be more. Hope that helps. xoxo Kiwi
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2017
|
What I liked was the style of writing. For me, I have a more conversational style and in a way so did you in this piece. Your reader definitely gets the perspective and your characters are known to us in that we all probably know someone just like them. Your ending and the rolling blocks leave a reader with something to ponder. Well written, strong, enjoyable and I would continue reading should there be more. Hope that helps. xoxo Kiwi
Comment Written 27-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2017
-
It?s always great to receive lengthy reviews. It provides me with strong insights on where the story is strong and where it needs attention. Thank you. I hope you are able to read the next few chapters. If you enjoyed chp1 the other chapters will be sure to keep you interested. Thank you again.
Comment from MTF1955
Really liked your story. I could feel the boys anxiousness as he ask his father his questions not sure if his father will turn away his gaze from the TV. Nicely done. Mary
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2017
|
Really liked your story. I could feel the boys anxiousness as he ask his father his questions not sure if his father will turn away his gaze from the TV. Nicely done. Mary
Comment Written 03-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2017
-
Thank you. I hope you get to read future chapters. It gets more interesting with the mix of paranormal activities Thank you
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Good solid start to the piece. The conversation is very good once it got started.
Good scene setting and rooting the piece in a particular time and place in that opening paragraph.
It feels a little like exposition. There isn't a great hook to grasp the reader's attention right away, if you see what I mean.
The following paragraphs have a leaning toward telling rather than showing which pervades the write with a sense of passivity.
where a few ever visited - you could drop the 'a' from here.
You have a tendency to write long sentences. be careful of this as when the same structure is maintained at length, it can become monotonous and the meaning can get diluted.
But, there were more pressing questions occupying his mind. Questions, because of desperation, preceded all other questions. - if this is so, it seems a little strange to sequence them after the trivial ones.
of his father,his back toward - spacing around the comma here.
The consistentency - consistency.
overthinking can be one word.
solve a calculus problem when arithmetic - is calculus not higher arithmetic? Maybe is should be basic arithmetic?
retelling can also be one word.
as the light of accpetance dimly - acceptance.
'Don't say it. I already know about my dad. He's dead, isn't he?" - you need to close off the quote mark here as well as the dialogue.
"Once you find it, kids, take if from Madonna when she tells you from her latest number one: 'You try to get away but you can't.' - need to close off the dialogue here.
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2017
 |
Hi there,
Good solid start to the piece. The conversation is very good once it got started.
Good scene setting and rooting the piece in a particular time and place in that opening paragraph.
It feels a little like exposition. There isn't a great hook to grasp the reader's attention right away, if you see what I mean.
The following paragraphs have a leaning toward telling rather than showing which pervades the write with a sense of passivity.
where a few ever visited - you could drop the 'a' from here.
You have a tendency to write long sentences. be careful of this as when the same structure is maintained at length, it can become monotonous and the meaning can get diluted.
But, there were more pressing questions occupying his mind. Questions, because of desperation, preceded all other questions. - if this is so, it seems a little strange to sequence them after the trivial ones.
of his father,his back toward - spacing around the comma here.
The consistentency - consistency.
overthinking can be one word.
solve a calculus problem when arithmetic - is calculus not higher arithmetic? Maybe is should be basic arithmetic?
retelling can also be one word.
as the light of accpetance dimly - acceptance.
'Don't say it. I already know about my dad. He's dead, isn't he?" - you need to close off the quote mark here as well as the dialogue.
"Once you find it, kids, take if from Madonna when she tells you from her latest number one: 'You try to get away but you can't.' - need to close off the dialogue here.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2017
-
Thank you! Your proof reading is much welcome and needed for me. As you can tell grammar has not been a strength in my writing. Actually, I'm not even an author as I am just writing this out of pure inspiration. Thank you again. Your time to take note of the details is much honored.
Comment from Mabaker
Ah that was well done. A good ghost story that made sense and 'coulda happened.' My mother after a few ports told how her uncle appeared at the foot of her bed. She knew he'd passed before the dreaded phone-call came. Regards Marbaker
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2017
|
Ah that was well done. A good ghost story that made sense and 'coulda happened.' My mother after a few ports told how her uncle appeared at the foot of her bed. She knew he'd passed before the dreaded phone-call came. Regards Marbaker
Comment Written 02-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2017
-
Thank you for the kind rating and comment. Glad it could relate and make sense! Thank you :)
Comment from country ranch writer
Mystery of having heard or seen something can create quiet a quandary. It is never explainable about things like this happening. Is it the ghosts or is it something unknown
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2017
|
Mystery of having heard or seen something can create quiet a quandary. It is never explainable about things like this happening. Is it the ghosts or is it something unknown
Comment Written 30-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2017
-
Yes. That about sums it up. Thank you for your kind review and rating.
-
Smiles
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Intriguing and well written. The parents are shown clearly for who they are, even the mother, ignoring the needs of her son. The fact that Grandpa plays with the kid as a ghost is pretty important, and it's time he knew about it... and other things.
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2017
|
Intriguing and well written. The parents are shown clearly for who they are, even the mother, ignoring the needs of her son. The fact that Grandpa plays with the kid as a ghost is pretty important, and it's time he knew about it... and other things.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2017
-
Thank you for your review and rating. Hope you are able to catch more chapters to this developing project. I promise it takes an unexpected turn.
Comment from Cindy Warren
This promises to be a good story. I can't wait for more. Grandpa is probably still around, and lots of others besides. I really felt bad for the kid trying to get his father's attention.
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2017
|
This promises to be a good story. I can't wait for more. Grandpa is probably still around, and lots of others besides. I really felt bad for the kid trying to get his father's attention.
Comment Written 26-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2017
-
Hi! Thank you for your review and comment. I guarantee you if you read future chapters it will be worth waiting for. Thank you again.
-
Hi! Thank you for your review and comment. I guarantee you if you read future chapters it will be worth waiting for. Thank you again.
Comment from gene roush
This finishes well.
It finishes so well that I think you should begin with: "Before our relatives told me, I said to them, 'Don't say it. I already know about my dad. He's dead, isn't he?"
This is your hook.
You can back track with the background if you want, but honestly, I stumbled through it.
This has the makings of an intriguing story.
Thanks for sharing
Gene
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2017
|
This finishes well.
It finishes so well that I think you should begin with: "Before our relatives told me, I said to them, 'Don't say it. I already know about my dad. He's dead, isn't he?"
This is your hook.
You can back track with the background if you want, but honestly, I stumbled through it.
This has the makings of an intriguing story.
Thanks for sharing
Gene
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2017
-
Thank you.
-
Thank you.