Perennials of War
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Chapter Two part Eine"Is Anderson a gallant knight? Can he recover Shan
38 total reviews
Comment from Lu Saluna
Mr. Anderson is being a very good samaritan however he seems to have a lot of power at his disposal. I am wondering if he may turn out to be as dangerous as the Russians following our damsel in distress, Shana. Afterall, and I have been paying attention, I am not 100% what it is she is hiding. We always presume the lady is innocent but it is not always the case. (playing devils advocate)
The plot is getting very interesting. The Russians "void of emotion", is frightening to envision. This always strikes me as sociopathic behavior which never bodes well for whoever they are chasing after.
A very compelling story
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2016
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Mr. Anderson is being a very good samaritan however he seems to have a lot of power at his disposal. I am wondering if he may turn out to be as dangerous as the Russians following our damsel in distress, Shana. Afterall, and I have been paying attention, I am not 100% what it is she is hiding. We always presume the lady is innocent but it is not always the case. (playing devils advocate)
The plot is getting very interesting. The Russians "void of emotion", is frightening to envision. This always strikes me as sociopathic behavior which never bodes well for whoever they are chasing after.
A very compelling story
Comment Written 28-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2016
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Heidi M
I enjoyed reading this part of the chapter. I like how you are painting Anderson as a smooth operator. Very nice job introducing new characters; you slipped them in effortlessly.
The only suggestion I have for you to consider is 'devoid of emotion', instead of 'void of emotion'. I think devoid sounds better, but it is your discretion which you use.
Great writing!
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2016
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I enjoyed reading this part of the chapter. I like how you are painting Anderson as a smooth operator. Very nice job introducing new characters; you slipped them in effortlessly.
The only suggestion I have for you to consider is 'devoid of emotion', instead of 'void of emotion'. I think devoid sounds better, but it is your discretion which you use.
Great writing!
Comment Written 27-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2016
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Thank you for the kind review. I will check that area. Good point.
Comment from Thomas Bowling
A very good part of your story. Your writing is weel done with lots of dialogue. I think dialogue makes the storyline flow much better than narrative.
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2016
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A very good part of your story. Your writing is weel done with lots of dialogue. I think dialogue makes the storyline flow much better than narrative.
Comment Written 27-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2016
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from ciliverde
You've got another great story going here, with mystery and intrigue, and of course romance wound into the story. I'm sorry I missed the earliest chapters but hope to browse through them quickly to catch up. I love how you have dogs in your stories - I love dogs. We have three cattledogs who keep us endlessly entertained. :))
Carol
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2016
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You've got another great story going here, with mystery and intrigue, and of course romance wound into the story. I'm sorry I missed the earliest chapters but hope to browse through them quickly to catch up. I love how you have dogs in your stories - I love dogs. We have three cattledogs who keep us endlessly entertained. :))
Carol
Comment Written 27-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2016
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Barb
= Hmmm, the plot thickens.
= Anderson is one slick dude.
= Will be interesting to see what, or if she tells him anything.
= I like Jane--very nice.
<> Merry Christmas & Happy New Year <>
<> Have a wonderful holiday season <>
<> If you don't celebrate--have a great day/night <>
<> A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-down (*>*)
<> Cheers & Blessings <> Jax
<> Published as <> Jacqueline M Franklin
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2016
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Hi, Barb
= Hmmm, the plot thickens.
= Anderson is one slick dude.
= Will be interesting to see what, or if she tells him anything.
= I like Jane--very nice.
<> Merry Christmas & Happy New Year <>
<> Have a wonderful holiday season <>
<> If you don't celebrate--have a great day/night <>
<> A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-down (*>*)
<> Cheers & Blessings <> Jax
<> Published as <> Jacqueline M Franklin
Comment Written 27-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2016
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from emptypage
So here we are with your latest and, as they say, the plot thickens.
I like Jane, even if she is a little jumpy.
The writing is solid, fluid. The characters are well drawn, as I've said before, but a little unevenly developed. I feel like I know more about Jane than about Anderson, and she's--as far as I can tell--a lesser character. Maybe you'll surprise me with her later on? Maybe Anderson is just a man of mystery?
A couple of things to note:
You wrote: "Now, you know how he got his name."
You don't need a comma after now. This is true with any one-word adverbial clause.
You wrote: "A lady in her forties jumped. 'Drew, I wasn't expecting you.'"
This is confusing. Jumped off the building? No, of course not. I figured it out, as will any reader, eventually, but in writing for an audience you want to be as user-friendly as possible. Simple sentences should not need figuring. May I suggest, "As the door opened, a lady standing nearby jumped, startled. 'Drew,' she said, 'I wasn't expecting you.'" Or maybe, "As the door opened, a woman in her forties, jumped, surprised." Something, anything, to explain where the person is, that she is startled by the door opening, etc., would help this passage a lot.
Keep writing. Good stuff.
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2016
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So here we are with your latest and, as they say, the plot thickens.
I like Jane, even if she is a little jumpy.
The writing is solid, fluid. The characters are well drawn, as I've said before, but a little unevenly developed. I feel like I know more about Jane than about Anderson, and she's--as far as I can tell--a lesser character. Maybe you'll surprise me with her later on? Maybe Anderson is just a man of mystery?
A couple of things to note:
You wrote: "Now, you know how he got his name."
You don't need a comma after now. This is true with any one-word adverbial clause.
You wrote: "A lady in her forties jumped. 'Drew, I wasn't expecting you.'"
This is confusing. Jumped off the building? No, of course not. I figured it out, as will any reader, eventually, but in writing for an audience you want to be as user-friendly as possible. Simple sentences should not need figuring. May I suggest, "As the door opened, a lady standing nearby jumped, startled. 'Drew,' she said, 'I wasn't expecting you.'" Or maybe, "As the door opened, a woman in her forties, jumped, surprised." Something, anything, to explain where the person is, that she is startled by the door opening, etc., would help this passage a lot.
Keep writing. Good stuff.
Comment Written 27-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2016
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Thank you for the kind review. I have made the changes.
Comment from rama devi
As usual, this chapter drives a swift pace via dialog with a smattering of descriptive narrative. It's easy to read and holds the attention. Good characterization. Compelling closing with the Russians and wondering what she is hiding, etc.
A few notes:
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"Not a problem, Philip. I wasn't planning to bring anyone home. We sort of found each other." Anderson introduced the dogs. "Axel, I'd like you to meet Shana."
Consider adding a gesture there. Example:
"Not a problem, Philip. I wasn't planning to bring anyone home. We sort of found each other." Anderson introduced the dogs with a smooth wave of the hand. "Axel, I'd like you to meet Shana."
*"Now,(NO COMMA HERE) you know how he got his name."
The comma makes sound unnatural to the way we speak that line aloud.
*
"We're from the Russian consulate," Dmitry said with a very strong accent. One man stood statuesque to his left and the other to his right,(;) both were void of emotion.
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2016
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As usual, this chapter drives a swift pace via dialog with a smattering of descriptive narrative. It's easy to read and holds the attention. Good characterization. Compelling closing with the Russians and wondering what she is hiding, etc.
A few notes:
*
"Not a problem, Philip. I wasn't planning to bring anyone home. We sort of found each other." Anderson introduced the dogs. "Axel, I'd like you to meet Shana."
Consider adding a gesture there. Example:
"Not a problem, Philip. I wasn't planning to bring anyone home. We sort of found each other." Anderson introduced the dogs with a smooth wave of the hand. "Axel, I'd like you to meet Shana."
*"Now,(NO COMMA HERE) you know how he got his name."
The comma makes sound unnatural to the way we speak that line aloud.
*
"We're from the Russian consulate," Dmitry said with a very strong accent. One man stood statuesque to his left and the other to his right,(;) both were void of emotion.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 27-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2016
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Thank you for the help. I appreciate the assistance and have made the corrections.
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Happy to help. Glad you found my review useful.
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always
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
Hmmm, looks like Shana is in a bit of a fix, isn't she? She meets up with a rich and tolerant stranger who is now very suspicious. But, you really have to give Anderson credit, he's very smooth!!
Great job,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2016
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Hmmm, looks like Shana is in a bit of a fix, isn't she? She meets up with a rich and tolerant stranger who is now very suspicious. But, you really have to give Anderson credit, he's very smooth!!
Great job,
Rhonda
Comment Written 27-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2016
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Yes, he is. I wonder what at smoothness is going to do with this. Thank you for the kind review.
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Lot's of mystery here!
Comment from MelB
I was pulling a weeds from the garden." - not sure if "a" snuck in there or it was supposed to be "up"
"I don't want to be problem." - (a) problem
Very nice descriptions of the penthouse, garden, and dogs. I like Romeo already. These Russian guys are pretty serious. I look forward to reading on.
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2016
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I was pulling a weeds from the garden." - not sure if "a" snuck in there or it was supposed to be "up"
"I don't want to be problem." - (a) problem
Very nice descriptions of the penthouse, garden, and dogs. I like Romeo already. These Russian guys are pretty serious. I look forward to reading on.
Comment Written 27-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2016
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I have made the corrections. Thank you.
Comment from judiverse
Great work! From the way the look and speak, those Russians sound like a scary bunch. As the penthouse seems rather private, I was surprised at how easily they got up there. You might explain a little bit, as Anderson surely is mindful of security. Great German Shepherds, all with their own personalities. Anderson seems to be an influential man. Whatever Shana's problem, he can surely help. How neat that Anderson's place comes with a garden and a place where the dogs can go out. What a life! This certainly deserves 6 stars. judi
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2016
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Great work! From the way the look and speak, those Russians sound like a scary bunch. As the penthouse seems rather private, I was surprised at how easily they got up there. You might explain a little bit, as Anderson surely is mindful of security. Great German Shepherds, all with their own personalities. Anderson seems to be an influential man. Whatever Shana's problem, he can surely help. How neat that Anderson's place comes with a garden and a place where the dogs can go out. What a life! This certainly deserves 6 stars. judi
Comment Written 27-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2016
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Thank you for the encouraging review
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You're welcome. I love this so far. Shana's become a bit of a mystery woman. judi