Perennials of War
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Chapter One part Drei"Is Anderson a gallant knight? Can he recover Shan
35 total reviews
Comment from Ben Colder
I'm hooked. Now, lets make spark fly. This is going to be one long road with more twist and turns than a snake trail. LOL. Best to you.
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2016
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I'm hooked. Now, lets make spark fly. This is going to be one long road with more twist and turns than a snake trail. LOL. Best to you.
Comment Written 20-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2016
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Thank you for the encouragement.
Comment from seaglass
This easily held my interest. It combines tension and humor. The interaction feels natural. It ends leaving me interested in more.
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2016
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This easily held my interest. It combines tension and humor. The interaction feels natural. It ends leaving me interested in more.
Comment Written 20-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2016
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from ssharrer
Great read and enjoyed the tension between the characters. Admittedly my context is weak as I'm picking it up here without the previous section. Shana's conflict is clearly portrayed and her choice to trust either Anderson or her own devices is a situation we can all relate to, though obviously in different contexts. A good mixture of human elements is present including fear, trust, motives, and decisions. I also like the hook at the end with a private elevator. I certainly want to know what's coming.
My only thought by way of any changes, and it is really just a preference, would be a little more detail behind the comments. For instance, what is her concern going home with Anderson? Or how is the doorman's family? Does Anderson really care of is he just appearing to care?
Just thoughts that crossed my mind, but then you may have plot items coming that motivate leaving those questions open.
Thanks for good writing..
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2016
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Great read and enjoyed the tension between the characters. Admittedly my context is weak as I'm picking it up here without the previous section. Shana's conflict is clearly portrayed and her choice to trust either Anderson or her own devices is a situation we can all relate to, though obviously in different contexts. A good mixture of human elements is present including fear, trust, motives, and decisions. I also like the hook at the end with a private elevator. I certainly want to know what's coming.
My only thought by way of any changes, and it is really just a preference, would be a little more detail behind the comments. For instance, what is her concern going home with Anderson? Or how is the doorman's family? Does Anderson really care of is he just appearing to care?
Just thoughts that crossed my mind, but then you may have plot items coming that motivate leaving those questions open.
Thanks for good writing..
Comment Written 20-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2016
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I will take your suggestions into consideration. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Heidi M
Very nice continuation of your story. Shana is caught between a rock and a hard place. Mr. Sharp seems a safer option than the three goons.
One minor suggestion:
"I'm not going anywhere with you, especially to your house." Shana stiffened and stood still. I think the 'Shana stiffened and stood still' should be written first, before she says she isn't going anywhere. Otherwise, he's just told her he's taking her to his place, she is saying she isn't going anywhere, but she's still walking with him. She needs to stop before she says she's not going, in my opinion.
You have done a nice job developing intrigue and keeping the reader interested in your story line.
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2016
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Very nice continuation of your story. Shana is caught between a rock and a hard place. Mr. Sharp seems a safer option than the three goons.
One minor suggestion:
"I'm not going anywhere with you, especially to your house." Shana stiffened and stood still. I think the 'Shana stiffened and stood still' should be written first, before she says she isn't going anywhere. Otherwise, he's just told her he's taking her to his place, she is saying she isn't going anywhere, but she's still walking with him. She needs to stop before she says she's not going, in my opinion.
You have done a nice job developing intrigue and keeping the reader interested in your story line.
Comment Written 20-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2016
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I agree. I made the correction. Thank you for the support.
Comment from MartinDHall
This reads very well, as did the previous chapter.
If you don't mind, (feel free to ignore what follows) I would suggest:
"Did you tell anybody where you were staying?" After she shook her head no, Anderson glanced at her satchel. "Are you there for pleasure or business?"
... the "no" doesn't add anything to the shaking of her head.
You'll hate me for this, but I don't think "chuckled" fits; how about:
""Not the normal reaction I get from women, but I guess it's honest." Anderson sighed." I can see that he is the knight in a shining Cadillac, but she is scared, and a chuckling man doesn't - for me - fit quite right, it makes him a little ... creepy. I say this despite her later accusation that is treating her situation as a game.
Cheers,
Martin
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2016
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This reads very well, as did the previous chapter.
If you don't mind, (feel free to ignore what follows) I would suggest:
"Did you tell anybody where you were staying?" After she shook her head no, Anderson glanced at her satchel. "Are you there for pleasure or business?"
... the "no" doesn't add anything to the shaking of her head.
You'll hate me for this, but I don't think "chuckled" fits; how about:
""Not the normal reaction I get from women, but I guess it's honest." Anderson sighed." I can see that he is the knight in a shining Cadillac, but she is scared, and a chuckling man doesn't - for me - fit quite right, it makes him a little ... creepy. I say this despite her later accusation that is treating her situation as a game.
Cheers,
Martin
Comment Written 20-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2016
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Thank you for the help. I made both changes. I worry about using using sighed, I take hits for it. I will try it again.
Comment from judiverse
I love the excitement in this. When Shana sees that the men are still following her, she decides to take Anderson up on his offer to have her go home with him. That's certainly a better choice than taking her chances with the three men. I have an idea that Shana's going to be quite surprised by how Anderson lives, as she apparently lives rather modestly. She certainly hasn't told him her whole story, but maybe she will. Sounds like she needs help. Great characterization, and we see the sparks flying between Shana and Anderson. It might be interesting to describe the men who have been following her. What they're doing, how they're dressed, etc. judi
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2016
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I love the excitement in this. When Shana sees that the men are still following her, she decides to take Anderson up on his offer to have her go home with him. That's certainly a better choice than taking her chances with the three men. I have an idea that Shana's going to be quite surprised by how Anderson lives, as she apparently lives rather modestly. She certainly hasn't told him her whole story, but maybe she will. Sounds like she needs help. Great characterization, and we see the sparks flying between Shana and Anderson. It might be interesting to describe the men who have been following her. What they're doing, how they're dressed, etc. judi
Comment Written 20-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2016
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Thank you for the encouragement.
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You're welcome. This is going great. You do an excellent job of giving the feel of the big city, too. judi
Comment from KjSilver
A nice smooth read. I think the flow is good, the suspense just right. I enjoy following them along, ducking where necessary. Wishing I had a private elevator of my own now.
Thank you.
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2016
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A nice smooth read. I think the flow is good, the suspense just right. I enjoy following them along, ducking where necessary. Wishing I had a private elevator of my own now.
Thank you.
Comment Written 20-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2016
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Sasha
Oh my, Shana has certainly gotten herself into a scary situation. Great work with this one. You definitely grabbed my full attention with this chapter. I can hardly wait for the next post. As I said, great work with this one.
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2016
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Oh my, Shana has certainly gotten herself into a scary situation. Great work with this one. You definitely grabbed my full attention with this chapter. I can hardly wait for the next post. As I said, great work with this one.
Comment Written 20-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2016
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Thank you for the encouraging review.
Comment from c_lucas
It looks like Shana has hooked up with a wealthy bachelor. She should be setting her snares for him instead of arguing. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a good read.
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2016
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It looks like Shana has hooked up with a wealthy bachelor. She should be setting her snares for him instead of arguing. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a good read.
Comment Written 20-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2016
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I am not sure she's 'hooked up' with a wealthy bachelor. LOL Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Daygb4
Very good read, I liked the way the story was set up. I liked the saying, you've never seen an elevator with only one button. Very creative!
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2016
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Very good read, I liked the way the story was set up. I liked the saying, you've never seen an elevator with only one button. Very creative!
Comment Written 20-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2016
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Thank you for the kind review.