I Want My Mommy
Lost five-year old boy46 total reviews
Comment from c_lucas
Children are no longer safe, even in church. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very truthful read. There is good imagery.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2016
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Children are no longer safe, even in church. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very truthful read. There is good imagery.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2016
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Thank you so much, Charlie, for taking time to read my story. Yes, in this world of madness and mayhem, children aren't safe alone anywhere. And like you said, they aren't even safe in church. Your kind words, comments, and extra-special six-star review are greatly appreciated. I'm always honored when you, one of favorite writers anywhere, reads and likes my stories. :-)
Comment from William Ross
Good story and write, i worked in wal marts a couple years in the toy department. mothers used to think it was a baby setting area, they all dropped their kids in toys while they went and shopped. Kids were always getting lost from their parents because they would wander off. One mother yelled at me like it was my fault. I told her my job is to not watch her kids for her.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2016
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Good story and write, i worked in wal marts a couple years in the toy department. mothers used to think it was a baby setting area, they all dropped their kids in toys while they went and shopped. Kids were always getting lost from their parents because they would wander off. One mother yelled at me like it was my fault. I told her my job is to not watch her kids for her.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2016
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Yes, William, my friend, it's sad how of these children are pretty much left to raise themselves these days. Everyone is too busy to even take care of their own children, or two selfish with their own wants I should say. I wrote this after being made a nervous wreck at Walmart, watching this little guy run from one thing and then another. Then he disappeared, and hysteria set in. They locked all the doors and tore the place apart looking for him. He had fallen asleep in a ladies dressing room. Thanks for taking time to read my story and offering your comments. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from Kelly2
What a fabulous story!
I liked "my feet mostly dangling, only hitting the ground every third step." and also when he crawled into the circular rack and peered out between the hanging trousers, only to see George there.
You have great descriptions like the "commingled smells of popcorn and cotton candy permeated the air," but I'm a little on the fence about your great descriptions versus telling it from a 5 year old's point of view. Would he be aware of the detailed items his mom was purchasing and people flipping each other off in the parking lot. I'm not sure, but I like your writing style regardless and it is a fantastic story.
Good luck in the contest!
Kelly
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2016
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What a fabulous story!
I liked "my feet mostly dangling, only hitting the ground every third step." and also when he crawled into the circular rack and peered out between the hanging trousers, only to see George there.
You have great descriptions like the "commingled smells of popcorn and cotton candy permeated the air," but I'm a little on the fence about your great descriptions versus telling it from a 5 year old's point of view. Would he be aware of the detailed items his mom was purchasing and people flipping each other off in the parking lot. I'm not sure, but I like your writing style regardless and it is a fantastic story.
Good luck in the contest!
Kelly
Comment Written 04-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2016
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Thank you so much, Kelly, for taking time to read my story. I may have thrown you off where I added that couple lines of the child talking to his mother. But the past tense telling of the story was meant to let you know that, while it seemed the child was telling the story, he was actually much older at the time of telling the story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. I'm glad you liked it. :-)
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You're absolutely right. I can see that.
:)
Comment from Lu Saluna
How terrifying for both the mother and the boy. Five years old and separated from his mother, that is so young to be lost and be alone and not able to find mom. I can't imagine the terror he must have been feeling inside. And a child going missing, that is a mother's worst nightmare come true.
The suspense while reading the story felt very intense and very real. I could feel my own anxiety building as I read. The plot flowed easily and quickly and kept me on edge right up until the mother had her son in her arms.
Well done and good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2016
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How terrifying for both the mother and the boy. Five years old and separated from his mother, that is so young to be lost and be alone and not able to find mom. I can't imagine the terror he must have been feeling inside. And a child going missing, that is a mother's worst nightmare come true.
The suspense while reading the story felt very intense and very real. I could feel my own anxiety building as I read. The plot flowed easily and quickly and kept me on edge right up until the mother had her son in her arms.
Well done and good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2016
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Thank you so much, LuFoster, for taking time to read my story. Yes, today's world is a dangerous place anywhere for a five year old to be left alone. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from Selina Stambi
Okay, phew. Exhaling now! In this current climate of weirdos and child snathces, you had me tense and worried, Ric. Which is a good thing, I suppose, when measuring an author's skill.
Best wishes for the contest.
Sonali
p.s. Speaking as a mom, I'm not sure she'd have allowed a five-year-old to wander off on his own, though. She would be asking for trouble and only have herself to blame. Just a thought. :)
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2016
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Okay, phew. Exhaling now! In this current climate of weirdos and child snathces, you had me tense and worried, Ric. Which is a good thing, I suppose, when measuring an author's skill.
Best wishes for the contest.
Sonali
p.s. Speaking as a mom, I'm not sure she'd have allowed a five-year-old to wander off on his own, though. She would be asking for trouble and only have herself to blame. Just a thought. :)
Comment Written 03-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2016
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Thank you so much, Selina, my friend, for taking time to read my story. Sadly, I wrote this story from an actual happening, that I witnessed. A little boy was running wild in Walmart without any supervision. I was a nervous wreck, and I'm not he nervous type. Finally, someone came over the intercom and announced that there was a missing boy of five years old, and that anyone who could locate him, to please bring him to the information desk. All doors were locked and police stood outside and roamed the store. As if turned out, the child had fallen asleep in a woman's fitting room, but was safe. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
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I enjoy seeing how far you've come, Ric. I don't think I found any glaring nits, did I? Goodness me ... wow!!! :) :)
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See, all that time you spent helping me to understand a little better wasn't wasted. There's not a day that I don't appreciate you for it. ((HUG)) :-)
Comment from simmonska
Great setting of place, nice easy arc and then BOOM you drop us off a cliff by telling us George is the security guard.
Great technique used in an everyday setting and who among us hasn't been that 5 year old boy?
Thanks for sharing your creation.
Best,
Kelly S
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2016
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Great setting of place, nice easy arc and then BOOM you drop us off a cliff by telling us George is the security guard.
Great technique used in an everyday setting and who among us hasn't been that 5 year old boy?
Thanks for sharing your creation.
Best,
Kelly S
Comment Written 03-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2016
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Thank you so much, Kelly S., for taking time to read my story. Yes, I'm sure most all of us have experienced a similar situation as a child, or seen a similar scenario take place in the supermarket or department store. Busy stores are a dangerous place for children, and it seems to me that parents let their little ones run wild. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from light
This is a great flash fiction. Your descriptions are really good, giving the reader the feeling that he is there with you. I loved the surprise ending. You should do well in the contest.
Elaine
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2016
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This is a great flash fiction. Your descriptions are really good, giving the reader the feeling that he is there with you. I loved the surprise ending. You should do well in the contest.
Elaine
Comment Written 03-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2016
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Thank you so much, Elaine, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. I'm glad you liked it. :-)
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Having a stranger approach you when you are that young would scare the daylights out of any kid, as they are almost always a danger.
Can't blame the boy for being scared and running away from the guy, especially if he was ugly on top of it.
Mom probably put the guard up to it to teach the kid a lesson.
Should make for an interesting entry into this contest.
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2016
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Having a stranger approach you when you are that young would scare the daylights out of any kid, as they are almost always a danger.
Can't blame the boy for being scared and running away from the guy, especially if he was ugly on top of it.
Mom probably put the guard up to it to teach the kid a lesson.
Should make for an interesting entry into this contest.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2016
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Thank you so much, Brett Matthew West, for taking time to read my story. Yes, crowded department stores are dangerous places for children left unattended. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from lyenochka
Great little story with thankfully a happy twist at the end! Whew. The suspense was well built up. With all the news of little ones on the news, was shocked that Mom let him go by himself. Enjoyed all the details of smells and a little mind's calculations, perceptions and fears.
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2016
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Great little story with thankfully a happy twist at the end! Whew. The suspense was well built up. With all the news of little ones on the news, was shocked that Mom let him go by himself. Enjoyed all the details of smells and a little mind's calculations, perceptions and fears.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2016
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Thank you so much, Lyenochka, for taking time to read my story. Yes, I can't imagine a mother letting a five-year old run around unattended in a crowded department store, but yet I see it often, and the thought of what could happen scares me every time. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from mfowler
This is a wonderful entry. You've captured the child and his experience of wonder, challenge and fear. A great balance of dialogue, action and inner thought keeps the story moving right up to the charming resolution. The point of view Is great for this story. Best of luck with voters.
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2016
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This is a wonderful entry. You've captured the child and his experience of wonder, challenge and fear. A great balance of dialogue, action and inner thought keeps the story moving right up to the charming resolution. The point of view Is great for this story. Best of luck with voters.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2016
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Thank you so much, MFowler, for taking time to read my story. Being competitive is always nice, but nothing is more rewarding to me than for such outstanding writers as you to offer the encouragement that keeps me plugging to get better. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. I'm glad you liked it. :-)