Not Sure Yet
Viewing comments for Chapter 44 "Seasons of Wind"Free verse poems
31 total reviews
Comment from Ulla
Hi Carol, this is impressive indeed. You've taken on a great challenge with this and I so enjoyed reading it. I know this come across rather lame, but I just don't know the first thing about poetry. What cannot be taken away is my joy of reading good poetry. And yours is just that. All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2016
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Hi Carol, this is impressive indeed. You've taken on a great challenge with this and I so enjoyed reading it. I know this come across rather lame, but I just don't know the first thing about poetry. What cannot be taken away is my joy of reading good poetry. And yours is just that. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 02-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2016
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Thank you, I appreciate your review and reading as I KNOW it was very long. I'm glad you enjoyed this one :)) Carol
Comment from Liberty Justice
Six stars! AWESOME. Did you write this all by yourself? Is contest entry? So vivid and descriptive. Describes power of winds and directions. Gives human qualities to gusty winds portraying these with mind of their own. Masterful! liberty justice
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2016
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Six stars! AWESOME. Did you write this all by yourself? Is contest entry? So vivid and descriptive. Describes power of winds and directions. Gives human qualities to gusty winds portraying these with mind of their own. Masterful! liberty justice
Comment Written 02-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2016
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I had a thought of entering this in an Awdl Gynt contest we had awhile back, but couldn't get it done in time. Yep, I wrote it all by myself, in several sessions over a period of many weeks. Thanks so much for the great review!! Carol
Comment from Ric Myworld
Thanks for sharing another great poem. I wish I knew more about the particulars of poetry and didn't have to take everything at sight and hearing value, and thanks to you and another few I plan to do just that. Learning at least some of the basics. I've had more than enough experience with the Santa Ana winds, fire and smoke, as I used to race horses at Santa Anita and the old Hollywood park race tracks. I will be back in Los Angeles and Arcadia for a few weeks at the end of this month for Breeder's Cup, and can hardly wait to visit some old stomping grounds. Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2016
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Thanks for sharing another great poem. I wish I knew more about the particulars of poetry and didn't have to take everything at sight and hearing value, and thanks to you and another few I plan to do just that. Learning at least some of the basics. I've had more than enough experience with the Santa Ana winds, fire and smoke, as I used to race horses at Santa Anita and the old Hollywood park race tracks. I will be back in Los Angeles and Arcadia for a few weeks at the end of this month for Breeder's Cup, and can hardly wait to visit some old stomping grounds. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 02-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2016
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I like your reviews in that you comment on how the poem feels to you - the form really should be secondary to the experience of reading (to me). I was up in Eureka (norcal) when I wrote this, and I missed the 105 degree weather in Oxnard(!) Have fun in LA and Arcadia, we live up in Thousand Oaks :)) Carol
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Hey, cool, Thousand Oaks is a great place! :-)
Comment from rama devi
What an amazing, ambitious work. Impressive crafting and what a potent tale of wind. Superb personification. Superb phonetics, flow and rhyming. Superb presentation. Superb story-style and conclusion. Quite a bit of spag suggestions are the reason I do not award a six...
NOTES
Potent opening tone, imagery and fine phrasing with alliteration of D, S and G and consonance of S:
A wind of sere intensity,
with gusting glee at dawn,
dives over ridges to the sea--
could be the Devil's spawn.
Superb internal rhyme and rhymes and phonetics:
This eastern blow, so cruel and dry,
from Santa Ana brings us nigh
to dusty tears and helpless cries;
it leaps and flies with brawn.
*Powerful stanza with fine rhymes and internal rhymes and phonetics (note one spag suggestion).
Of sparks(,) this draught makes easy play;
with no delay, a fire
is lofted skyward, and the day's
betrayed in flaming ire.
Superb medley of S and L and internal rhymes:
In conflagration goes the land,
as acres vast are burned and spanned.
Then darkness spread from hill to strand
where sea and sand conspire.
Superb combination of alliterative B and S and internal rhyming (note one spag suggestion):
This eastern wind seems blown in spite--
of blasting blight it's born
as pressures shift within the night;
with might(,) the air is torn.
Eloquent stanza with superb rhyme and internal rhyme and phonetics (note one spag suggestion).
From restless days to troubled wake(,)
the landscape shrinks in hectic ache;
no water left with thirst to slake,
and so will breaks; forlorn.
Superb shift in tone stanza with great rhymes and internal rhymes and phonetics (note one spag suggestion).
From ocean breaks a shifted breeze,
delightful tease;(--) reprieve
from heat--a chill in fine degrees,(;)
through trees it sifts and weaves.
Love this--as it sounds like what it describes and has gret rhymes etc.:
Upon a wave, this Zephyr tossed,
on billowed green was shaped and glossed,
then to the beaches, well-embossed
by moisture lost from seas.
*Eloquent and well rhymed...note one suggestion:
Now, trembling blooms in damp caress,(--)
in sweet largesse they grow
and open to the sun's bequest;
in tresses willows blow.
NICE:
See skies roll up in clouds of mist,
by dripping drops the land is kissed,
the grasses leeward sway and list;
the fog persists and glows.
LOVE THIS:
But how this breeze becalms the mind--
Pacific kinds of peace,
suffused in chill, the world enshrined;
entwined in misted fleece.
WONDERFUL TONE HERE and phonetics, etc.:
The Zephyr bears a burden fair,
from ocean acres comes this air,
as if called up by fervent prayer
that drought's despair may cease.
Whimsical personification and fine phonetics continue here:
In bleak despair, the northern wind
is pinned beneath the blue
and cloudless sky, as if it sinned--
so ginned by devil's crew.
Pacific leagues are white and blown,
the currents clash and sailors moan,
taut sails are reefed with curse and groan,(;)
surf laves in foam and spew.
Whimsical and well voiced:
Now safety's found in sheltered bays;
without delay, tuck in!
Wait out the blow for hours or days,
as hazy heavens spin.
Great job with enjambment here:
On land you'll seek a quiet vale
within the trees and down the dale;
aloft, Boreas breathes and wails
then pales at mornings brim.
NICE:
The northern winds subside by night;
at last the blight may calm
beneath the falling beams of white;
the lunar light a balm LOVE THIS LINE and the enjambment works well too...
so beckoned by this month of June,
the heavens shine as if in tune
with Earth, lit up by light of moon;
to east then spy the dawn.
South Wind - more fine phonetics and alliteration, etc.:
At dawn, the southern blow's beguiled
by ocean wild; the waves
whipped up by wind, then tossed and riled,
as Notos smiles and raves.
Unique and well voiced:
In goodly time begins the storm,
terrific rain in sheets and swarm.
Apocalypse! Dead sailors warn--
forlorn, in sodden graves.
LOVE THE RHYMES HERE:
The rain and wind in storm conspire
in lovely ire and roar
as issued from the tempest's choir;
inspired, the raindrops pour(,)
Fine enjambment but it needs that comma after pour, I think:
released, it seems, from endless source
in slanted fall and gleeful force,(;)
a river soon must find it's course;(, or --)
perforce to flood e'er more.
Perfect shift in tone for a hopeful closing:
In time(,) must end this tropic gale,
and so curtail the rain.
The clouds all clear-- the world's unveiled,
now hail the light again!
Perfect closing note:
As seasons shift,(no ,) around the sun,
the weather's work is never done,
this earthly tale so well begun,
and sung; by wind ordained.
Loved this. A joy to read aloud!
You're amazing, dear.
Hugs, rd
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2016
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What an amazing, ambitious work. Impressive crafting and what a potent tale of wind. Superb personification. Superb phonetics, flow and rhyming. Superb presentation. Superb story-style and conclusion. Quite a bit of spag suggestions are the reason I do not award a six...
NOTES
Potent opening tone, imagery and fine phrasing with alliteration of D, S and G and consonance of S:
A wind of sere intensity,
with gusting glee at dawn,
dives over ridges to the sea--
could be the Devil's spawn.
Superb internal rhyme and rhymes and phonetics:
This eastern blow, so cruel and dry,
from Santa Ana brings us nigh
to dusty tears and helpless cries;
it leaps and flies with brawn.
*Powerful stanza with fine rhymes and internal rhymes and phonetics (note one spag suggestion).
Of sparks(,) this draught makes easy play;
with no delay, a fire
is lofted skyward, and the day's
betrayed in flaming ire.
Superb medley of S and L and internal rhymes:
In conflagration goes the land,
as acres vast are burned and spanned.
Then darkness spread from hill to strand
where sea and sand conspire.
Superb combination of alliterative B and S and internal rhyming (note one spag suggestion):
This eastern wind seems blown in spite--
of blasting blight it's born
as pressures shift within the night;
with might(,) the air is torn.
Eloquent stanza with superb rhyme and internal rhyme and phonetics (note one spag suggestion).
From restless days to troubled wake(,)
the landscape shrinks in hectic ache;
no water left with thirst to slake,
and so will breaks; forlorn.
Superb shift in tone stanza with great rhymes and internal rhymes and phonetics (note one spag suggestion).
From ocean breaks a shifted breeze,
delightful tease;(--) reprieve
from heat--a chill in fine degrees,(;)
through trees it sifts and weaves.
Love this--as it sounds like what it describes and has gret rhymes etc.:
Upon a wave, this Zephyr tossed,
on billowed green was shaped and glossed,
then to the beaches, well-embossed
by moisture lost from seas.
*Eloquent and well rhymed...note one suggestion:
Now, trembling blooms in damp caress,(--)
in sweet largesse they grow
and open to the sun's bequest;
in tresses willows blow.
NICE:
See skies roll up in clouds of mist,
by dripping drops the land is kissed,
the grasses leeward sway and list;
the fog persists and glows.
LOVE THIS:
But how this breeze becalms the mind--
Pacific kinds of peace,
suffused in chill, the world enshrined;
entwined in misted fleece.
WONDERFUL TONE HERE and phonetics, etc.:
The Zephyr bears a burden fair,
from ocean acres comes this air,
as if called up by fervent prayer
that drought's despair may cease.
Whimsical personification and fine phonetics continue here:
In bleak despair, the northern wind
is pinned beneath the blue
and cloudless sky, as if it sinned--
so ginned by devil's crew.
Pacific leagues are white and blown,
the currents clash and sailors moan,
taut sails are reefed with curse and groan,(;)
surf laves in foam and spew.
Whimsical and well voiced:
Now safety's found in sheltered bays;
without delay, tuck in!
Wait out the blow for hours or days,
as hazy heavens spin.
Great job with enjambment here:
On land you'll seek a quiet vale
within the trees and down the dale;
aloft, Boreas breathes and wails
then pales at mornings brim.
NICE:
The northern winds subside by night;
at last the blight may calm
beneath the falling beams of white;
the lunar light a balm LOVE THIS LINE and the enjambment works well too...
so beckoned by this month of June,
the heavens shine as if in tune
with Earth, lit up by light of moon;
to east then spy the dawn.
South Wind - more fine phonetics and alliteration, etc.:
At dawn, the southern blow's beguiled
by ocean wild; the waves
whipped up by wind, then tossed and riled,
as Notos smiles and raves.
Unique and well voiced:
In goodly time begins the storm,
terrific rain in sheets and swarm.
Apocalypse! Dead sailors warn--
forlorn, in sodden graves.
LOVE THE RHYMES HERE:
The rain and wind in storm conspire
in lovely ire and roar
as issued from the tempest's choir;
inspired, the raindrops pour(,)
Fine enjambment but it needs that comma after pour, I think:
released, it seems, from endless source
in slanted fall and gleeful force,(;)
a river soon must find it's course;(, or --)
perforce to flood e'er more.
Perfect shift in tone for a hopeful closing:
In time(,) must end this tropic gale,
and so curtail the rain.
The clouds all clear-- the world's unveiled,
now hail the light again!
Perfect closing note:
As seasons shift,(no ,) around the sun,
the weather's work is never done,
this earthly tale so well begun,
and sung; by wind ordained.
Loved this. A joy to read aloud!
You're amazing, dear.
Hugs, rd
Comment Written 02-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2016
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Hi, just home from our trip to Humboldt County. So exhausted after that long drive, but I wanted to thank you for the review AND the help with punctuation. I had a really hard time with this one - the cross rhymes made it hard to form good sentences, so it was extra challenging. I also had to match one word from the end of each section with a word in the first line of the next...did you notice that? Also, the word "wind" appears in the very first and last line of the poem...whew! All the form requirements are there, and I tried not to re-use any rhymes. AND have it make sense! Lol. I'm so glad I got it out there for review, and again, I appreciate the help and comments more than I can say :)) Love, Carol.
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Welcome home, dear. Yes--the matching was intense. My head would spin trying to get that right! I did not double check it to avoid the dizzy effect! LOL Impressive work, my dear. Love, rd
Comment from Thomas Bowling
A great descriptive poem of the four winds. I wrote a review recently, the author was very talented but she was surprised when I told her that different winds had different meanings for sailors.
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2016
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A great descriptive poem of the four winds. I wrote a review recently, the author was very talented but she was surprised when I told her that different winds had different meanings for sailors.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2016
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Someone was surprised to hear that? Wow. Well, all those winds mean different things for sailors, fishermen, surfers, and just about everyone. Some of us think about it more than others - I'm a weather forecaster so it's on my mind alot - lol. Thank you for the review :) Carol
Comment from jlsavell
ciliverde, there is a reason you are a top rated poet. Your poetry is always exhilarating, refreshing and executed flawlessly. Every word placed in perfection to create a magical adventure. Extolling on the fours winds of the Earth is incredible.. thank you for sharing... jimi
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2016
|
ciliverde, there is a reason you are a top rated poet. Your poetry is always exhilarating, refreshing and executed flawlessly. Every word placed in perfection to create a magical adventure. Extolling on the fours winds of the Earth is incredible.. thank you for sharing... jimi
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2016
-
Hi again, you've been reading my poetry and I haven't had time to do much of anything here on FS. Sorry about that and I will catch up with you soon! Thanks for plowing through this long one :) Carol
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You are to never worry. You are a magnificent writer. Your should read crowdog10, Nika2016, pearlecat, and Hayley Solomon... truly...
Jimi
Comment from Mark Valentine
If Fanstory did a "Poem-of-the -Year" award, this would surely be a nominee. So many disparate areas of expertise meet here - your knowledge of the weather, mythology, poetic form, your vocabulary, all at the command of your incredible writing skill, make this one of the best poems I've ever seen on this site.
I know I've seen you and Jim use this form before, but I guess I nevef fully appreciated it's complexity until now - your author's notes and the way you highlight the cross-rhyming by setting the last line of every other stanza apart, helped me to stop and appreciate the thought that must go into these.
The division of the poem into sections makes it read like a Homeric epic, and there is a progression (from drought -to relief - to calm -to storm) which creates a story within the poem - the moral of which is "the weather's work is never done".
I am in awe of this one.
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2016
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If Fanstory did a "Poem-of-the -Year" award, this would surely be a nominee. So many disparate areas of expertise meet here - your knowledge of the weather, mythology, poetic form, your vocabulary, all at the command of your incredible writing skill, make this one of the best poems I've ever seen on this site.
I know I've seen you and Jim use this form before, but I guess I nevef fully appreciated it's complexity until now - your author's notes and the way you highlight the cross-rhyming by setting the last line of every other stanza apart, helped me to stop and appreciate the thought that must go into these.
The division of the poem into sections makes it read like a Homeric epic, and there is a progression (from drought -to relief - to calm -to storm) which creates a story within the poem - the moral of which is "the weather's work is never done".
I am in awe of this one.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2016
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Hi Mark, and thanks for another fantastic review. One thing I love about poetry, is learning about things like mythology - which I honestly don't know a ton about. Meteorology on the other hand I know TOO MUCH about, lol. Yes, this form is Jim's creation, and it really is complicated - as I learned once I launched into this project. True, the weather seems never to be done (which is why we have to work midnight shifts - ugh!!!)
Thanks again :)) Carol
Comment from HarryT
This is a wonderful work, in my opinion. It captures the sweeps of nature like the winds it describes. The words are smooth and flowing and the images are strong. I Like the put to using "sere" and "laves" in unusual ways . I would recommend this poem to anyone who loves the great outdoors and the winds.
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2016
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This is a wonderful work, in my opinion. It captures the sweeps of nature like the winds it describes. The words are smooth and flowing and the images are strong. I Like the put to using "sere" and "laves" in unusual ways . I would recommend this poem to anyone who loves the great outdoors and the winds.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2016
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Thank you so much, I do love the outdoors very much myself, and I can see that you do as well. I really appreciate your kind words, and the great rating! Carol
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You are welcome.
Comment from Ben Colder
I always love the north winds. The blow now hard here but enough to give us relief from the southwest winds blowing a purifying smell of chicken house from a nearby chicken farm. UG. You composed this write very well. I enjoyed it much. I find no fault.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2016
|
I always love the north winds. The blow now hard here but enough to give us relief from the southwest winds blowing a purifying smell of chicken house from a nearby chicken farm. UG. You composed this write very well. I enjoyed it much. I find no fault.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2016
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Thanks so much, Ben - sorry about the chicken farm! Poor things, and poor you to have to get that smell. Take care, Carol.
Comment from Pantygynt
If the reason for your not reviewing me recently has benn because you have been working on this, I forgive you unconditionally. This is a fantastic sequence of poems linked by the subject of wind. The awdl gynt form is a feast of rhyme that can get out of hand and become forced but under your command the winds do exactly what you want them without any force.
Only one suggestion would I wish to make:
"surf laves in foam and spew."
The OED gives spew as a noun, only in the informal sense of vomit. I have the feeling that spume is perhaps better here. Assonance is perfectly acceptable in this form.
While you have been cobbling this masterpiece together the rest of the world has been potlatching on the basic pantygynt, the awdl variant being deemed to be too difficult for most. I like the way you have introduced the classical names for all but the east wind. This is understable when you have your own magnificent term for this wind in your part of the world, the Santa Anna. I can't for the life of me remember where I picked up that information (I am right am I not?), and I can't remember the reason for Americans to name the east wind after a Mexican general. Perhaps you can complete my education on this.
This is a wonderful piece of poetry but please change that spew.
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2016
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If the reason for your not reviewing me recently has benn because you have been working on this, I forgive you unconditionally. This is a fantastic sequence of poems linked by the subject of wind. The awdl gynt form is a feast of rhyme that can get out of hand and become forced but under your command the winds do exactly what you want them without any force.
Only one suggestion would I wish to make:
"surf laves in foam and spew."
The OED gives spew as a noun, only in the informal sense of vomit. I have the feeling that spume is perhaps better here. Assonance is perfectly acceptable in this form.
While you have been cobbling this masterpiece together the rest of the world has been potlatching on the basic pantygynt, the awdl variant being deemed to be too difficult for most. I like the way you have introduced the classical names for all but the east wind. This is understable when you have your own magnificent term for this wind in your part of the world, the Santa Anna. I can't for the life of me remember where I picked up that information (I am right am I not?), and I can't remember the reason for Americans to name the east wind after a Mexican general. Perhaps you can complete my education on this.
This is a wonderful piece of poetry but please change that spew.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2016
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Hi, yes, I have been working on this for weeks and still out of town on this extended trip - so please don't be mad at me for not reviewing you (or anyone else). I am trying to catch up but today we leave on our long drive back to southern California. I thought about the Pantygynt last night but my mind was snarled inside this poem - I finally had to just promote it and be done with it...although I WILL change spew to spume - SO much better, thank you for that suggestion.
There is a Santa Ana Canyon in Orange County, and the winds were named after that because they just blast through there like nobody's business. I wonder if I should add the Greek name to that section to be consistent? By the way, people call these winds "devil winds" because they make people crazy. The gusty winds, very dry air, and I don't know what - the heat maybe - drives people mad.
I will catch up on yours soon, I promise. Love, Carol.
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I wouldn't bother with Eurus. It is not as generally known as say Zephyrus or Boreas. Probably because it would be a dry wind blowing off the continent of Europe, cold in winter, hot in summer and would have less influence on the Greeks than either Boreas or Zephyrus. The south wind is not much mentioned in their mythology probably for similar reasons.
I'm just teasing, not mad. I can understand how busy you have been.