Sea Blue Sky
A spring sky canvas for our dreams47 total reviews
Comment from Leineco
The open half is really lovely imagery, but I had a little trouble
at the transition and with the reversal poem.
Turned into prose, it reads
Sky canvas as broad and wide as ocean or peaceful blue sea. As empty, waiting, waiting for dreams.
Dreams for waiting, waiting, empty as sea-blue peaceful or ocean as wide
and broad as canvas sky
Queens and kings for castles and running dogs, horses neighing.
Views panoramic; pictures cloud painting, touching playfully
trees and eaves under up-gusts in blowing winds.
While sense can be made of it - it is bumpy reading.
The best advice I can give you is to consider replacing awaiting somehow rather than waiting, waiting. In a palindrome a smooth transition will pave the way for a more forgiving acceptance of grammar that has been slightly forced :-)
I think you are off to a very strong start here - but think it needs a little more honing and polishing.
(4 stars) = VERY GOOD. Interesting approach to the topic, it caught my attention, but I feel the construction and/or clarity needs a bit of a polish to merit "Excellent" status.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 07-May-2016
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The open half is really lovely imagery, but I had a little trouble
at the transition and with the reversal poem.
Turned into prose, it reads
Sky canvas as broad and wide as ocean or peaceful blue sea. As empty, waiting, waiting for dreams.
Dreams for waiting, waiting, empty as sea-blue peaceful or ocean as wide
and broad as canvas sky
Queens and kings for castles and running dogs, horses neighing.
Views panoramic; pictures cloud painting, touching playfully
trees and eaves under up-gusts in blowing winds.
While sense can be made of it - it is bumpy reading.
The best advice I can give you is to consider replacing awaiting somehow rather than waiting, waiting. In a palindrome a smooth transition will pave the way for a more forgiving acceptance of grammar that has been slightly forced :-)
I think you are off to a very strong start here - but think it needs a little more honing and polishing.
(4 stars) = VERY GOOD. Interesting approach to the topic, it caught my attention, but I feel the construction and/or clarity needs a bit of a polish to merit "Excellent" status.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-May-2016
reply by the author on 07-May-2016
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Thank you, Leineco, for your suggestions and detailed review. I appreciate your time and thoughts :)
Senyai
Comment from foxangie123
I so love the title as it is brilliant and beautiful. The picture of choice is so ver lovely as well. As for the poem it is superb making this entire thing marvelous.
reply by the author on 07-May-2016
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I so love the title as it is brilliant and beautiful. The picture of choice is so ver lovely as well. As for the poem it is superb making this entire thing marvelous.
Comment Written 07-May-2016
reply by the author on 07-May-2016
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You are too kind, Foxangie. Your review made my day:)
Senyai
Comment from nancyrabbrose
I especially like the part about the ocean being empty, waiting for dreams. You have written an amazing palindrome. Not an easy task. You painted a beautiful picture with your words. Well done.
reply by the author on 07-May-2016
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I especially like the part about the ocean being empty, waiting for dreams. You have written an amazing palindrome. Not an easy task. You painted a beautiful picture with your words. Well done.
Comment Written 07-May-2016
reply by the author on 07-May-2016
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Nancy, you are very generous with your review. I appreciate your thoughts so much.
Senyai
Comment from fimarie78
I think this is my favourite of the palindrome entries I have read so far.
I like your use of lists and you paint such a vivid picture for your readers. Nice alliteration in panoramic pictures. I also liked the phrase 'canvas sky' and the idea of cloud pictures.
You have the perfect imagination for a poet.
reply by the author on 07-May-2016
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I think this is my favourite of the palindrome entries I have read so far.
I like your use of lists and you paint such a vivid picture for your readers. Nice alliteration in panoramic pictures. I also liked the phrase 'canvas sky' and the idea of cloud pictures.
You have the perfect imagination for a poet.
Comment Written 07-May-2016
reply by the author on 07-May-2016
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Why, thank you! Fimarie78, you have made my day! I appreciate your thoughts very much :)
Senyai
Comment from mermaids
I love your use of words and the image of the sea in the sky. I have a poem in my portfolio The Dolphin in the Moon. I like the mention of dogs and horses, it adds to the warm feel of your words. Excellent poetic form.
reply by the author on 07-May-2016
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I love your use of words and the image of the sea in the sky. I have a poem in my portfolio The Dolphin in the Moon. I like the mention of dogs and horses, it adds to the warm feel of your words. Excellent poetic form.
Comment Written 07-May-2016
reply by the author on 07-May-2016
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Mermaids, I will read "The Dolphin in the Moon" and review. Sounds lovely... thank you so much for the outstanding review and kind thoughts.
Senyai
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
You did a remarkable job with this Palindrome, Senyai, it rolls along perfectly both ways. I too love the Spring, and you have described it beautifully in this poem. Well done and good luck! xsx Sandra
reply by the author on 07-May-2016
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You did a remarkable job with this Palindrome, Senyai, it rolls along perfectly both ways. I too love the Spring, and you have described it beautifully in this poem. Well done and good luck! xsx Sandra
Comment Written 07-May-2016
reply by the author on 07-May-2016
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Hi, Sandra. Your kind thoughts made my day. Thank you for the well wishes too :)
Senyai
Comment from jusylee72
Wonderful , How did you do that? I still don't get how to begin one of these. Yours was so well down and descriptive. I think you did a wonderful job. Keep writing I will continue to Read.
reply by the author on 07-May-2016
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Wonderful , How did you do that? I still don't get how to begin one of these. Yours was so well down and descriptive. I think you did a wonderful job. Keep writing I will continue to Read.
Comment Written 07-May-2016
reply by the author on 07-May-2016
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Jusylee, thank you so much for your kind words and thoughts on my work. Your time is appreciated :)
Try a palindrome... they are scary looking to attempt but easier to do than thought. The last half after the connecting word in the middle is an exact mirror image of the first half. The last half reads backward word for word as the beginning. The trick is for it to make sense and read smoothly all the way through :)
Senyai
Comment from harmony13
Excellent Poem! The author's words are clear, descriptive and creative. The poem flows and connects well. The artwork is perfect and compliments the theme of
this poem.
reply by the author on 07-May-2016
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Excellent Poem! The author's words are clear, descriptive and creative. The poem flows and connects well. The artwork is perfect and compliments the theme of
this poem.
Comment Written 07-May-2016
reply by the author on 07-May-2016
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Harmony, thank you for your excellent review and kind words :) You made my day!
Senyai
Comment from Pantygynt
This is a lengthy and complex palindrome contest entry. Like many it makes perfect sense whichever way round you read it but I am not 100% sure that the reversed version is actually saying the same thing as the forward version although it gets a great deal nearer than most. For example.
sky canvas as broad and wide
as ocean or peaceful blue sea
sea blue peaceful or ocean as
wide and broad as canvas sky
While the sea/ocean line is synonymous whichever way round you read it, sky canvas is to my mind not the same as canvas sky.
I vthink this is one of the best efforts at what I consider one of the hardest forms to master. I have never managed it to my satisfaction any way.
reply by the author on 07-May-2016
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This is a lengthy and complex palindrome contest entry. Like many it makes perfect sense whichever way round you read it but I am not 100% sure that the reversed version is actually saying the same thing as the forward version although it gets a great deal nearer than most. For example.
sky canvas as broad and wide
as ocean or peaceful blue sea
sea blue peaceful or ocean as
wide and broad as canvas sky
While the sea/ocean line is synonymous whichever way round you read it, sky canvas is to my mind not the same as canvas sky.
I vthink this is one of the best efforts at what I consider one of the hardest forms to master. I have never managed it to my satisfaction any way.
Comment Written 07-May-2016
reply by the author on 07-May-2016
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Thank you, Pantygynt. Your kind thoughts and review mean so much. I know, this is my first palindrome and it was easier than I thought it would be but I have shied away from them for years. They are a difficult form to make any sense on the last half.
Thanks again for your complements.
Have a great weekend,
Senyai
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I hate the damn things. Lol.
Comment from royowen
Well done an excellent entry in this palindrome poetry contest, the theme and its accompanying narrative is an articulately presented and very worthy and very good descriptive imagery, well done, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 07-May-2016
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Well done an excellent entry in this palindrome poetry contest, the theme and its accompanying narrative is an articulately presented and very worthy and very good descriptive imagery, well done, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 07-May-2016
reply by the author on 07-May-2016
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Thank you, Roy. You are too kind. Thanks for the well wishes, too.
Senyai :)
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Most welcome