2015 Haiku
Viewing comments for Chapter 26 "haiku (cut down trees)"A collection of haiku I wrote in 2015
54 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Outstanding and insightful. Love the pun in the satori line. I once witnessed a clear cut mountain in Oregon...one side vibrant with life and the other side utterly destroyed.
I stumbled slightly on the phrasing in lines one and two, because on first read one can read it as a command: CUT DOWN TREES...because the THAT implies it.
cut down trees
that won't help you breathe anymore
But if you remove that and revise line two a bit, then cut down trees can be the subject...without cut being a verb:
cut down trees
won't help you breathe anymore
This is such an outstanding closing:
breathtaking ignorance
Almost a six...but that word THAT detracts from the read.
Good word economy...and well presented...and true to form for the contest.
Good luck! Should prove a strong contender for my vote...
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2015
  |
Outstanding and insightful. Love the pun in the satori line. I once witnessed a clear cut mountain in Oregon...one side vibrant with life and the other side utterly destroyed.
I stumbled slightly on the phrasing in lines one and two, because on first read one can read it as a command: CUT DOWN TREES...because the THAT implies it.
cut down trees
that won't help you breathe anymore
But if you remove that and revise line two a bit, then cut down trees can be the subject...without cut being a verb:
cut down trees
won't help you breathe anymore
This is such an outstanding closing:
breathtaking ignorance
Almost a six...but that word THAT detracts from the read.
Good word economy...and well presented...and true to form for the contest.
Good luck! Should prove a strong contender for my vote...
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 15-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2015
-
Thank you for the very helpful and insightful review, I really appreciate it. Namaste :)
-
Namaste! My pleasure. :)
Comment from Dom G Robles
A haiku poem complying with the rules' contest. Very clear with its message. Denuding the forrest which gives oxygen for human beings to breathe is greatly diminished which people do not realize or know. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2015
|
A haiku poem complying with the rules' contest. Very clear with its message. Denuding the forrest which gives oxygen for human beings to breathe is greatly diminished which people do not realize or know. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 14-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2015
-
Thank you Dom, I really appreciate it. :)
Comment from CobiDawn
This is so true. I love the image of the trees representing the human lungs. I can't think of a better picture to describe this haiku.
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2015
|
This is so true. I love the image of the trees representing the human lungs. I can't think of a better picture to describe this haiku.
Comment Written 14-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2015
-
Thank you very much Cobi Dawn, I appreciate your review.
Comment from rspoet
This is a very good haiku for the contest
3-8-6 gives 17 syllables and S/L/S
I'm not sure about the concrete imagery
beyond the trees
or the grammatical connection
Third line is a great satori line
I would suggest something like:
Cutting down trees
depletes oxygen from air
breathtaking ignorance
but, it is always the poet's choice
Good luck in the contest
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2015
|
This is a very good haiku for the contest
3-8-6 gives 17 syllables and S/L/S
I'm not sure about the concrete imagery
beyond the trees
or the grammatical connection
Third line is a great satori line
I would suggest something like:
Cutting down trees
depletes oxygen from air
breathtaking ignorance
but, it is always the poet's choice
Good luck in the contest
Comment Written 14-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2015
-
Thank you very much for the feedback and review. :)
Comment from Pam (respa)
-Appropriate image for your poem.
-You meet the requirements for format.
-Line one introduces the topic.
-Good point made in line two. We need trees for the good of our environment.
-Good satori line.
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2015
|
-Appropriate image for your poem.
-You meet the requirements for format.
-Line one introduces the topic.
-Good point made in line two. We need trees for the good of our environment.
-Good satori line.
Comment Written 14-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2015
-
Thank you very much for the feedback and review. :)
-
You are welcome.
Comment from Jumbo J
Hi Entrant,
more like greed one would think?... but yes, a very effective haiku with the correct syllable count and spot on subject for the prompt... brings a whole broader scope to the death of nature now doesn't it?
All the very best in this contest... had me thinking of what Indonesia has been doing to its precious rain forests to grow plantations for palm oil... and now the country's been literally on fire for over a year...yes, a sad reflection on the stupidity and greed of governments who are in charge of our supposed longevity.
With our thoughts we create,
the logic to survive,
James.
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2015
|
Hi Entrant,
more like greed one would think?... but yes, a very effective haiku with the correct syllable count and spot on subject for the prompt... brings a whole broader scope to the death of nature now doesn't it?
All the very best in this contest... had me thinking of what Indonesia has been doing to its precious rain forests to grow plantations for palm oil... and now the country's been literally on fire for over a year...yes, a sad reflection on the stupidity and greed of governments who are in charge of our supposed longevity.
With our thoughts we create,
the logic to survive,
James.
Comment Written 14-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2015
-
Thank you very much for the excellent review and feedback. :)
Comment from l.raven
no truer words were spoken...I don't think a lot of people know what the trees mean to our world...they are the air we breathe...they can stop giving me all this junk mail...and save the trees...very well expressed...and very well written...picture priceless Luff Linda xxoo
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2015
|
no truer words were spoken...I don't think a lot of people know what the trees mean to our world...they are the air we breathe...they can stop giving me all this junk mail...and save the trees...very well expressed...and very well written...picture priceless Luff Linda xxoo
Comment Written 14-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2015
-
Thank you very much for the excellent review and feedback. :)
-
you are so very welcome...xxoo
Comment from Zue65
I enjoyed reading the haiku, the art work is really unique which helped made your poem interesting. The poetic lines presented the truth of what shall happen to mankind if don't stop desecrating the earth.
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2015
|
I enjoyed reading the haiku, the art work is really unique which helped made your poem interesting. The poetic lines presented the truth of what shall happen to mankind if don't stop desecrating the earth.
Comment Written 14-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2015
-
Thank you very much for the review and feedback. I appreciate you taking the time. to read my haiku. :)
Comment from patcelaw
What you state in this poem is true but the picture tells a deceiving story. When forest farming is done, they do clear cut of the forest and replant the trees to harvest in 20-40 years. Patricia
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2015
|
What you state in this poem is true but the picture tells a deceiving story. When forest farming is done, they do clear cut of the forest and replant the trees to harvest in 20-40 years. Patricia
Comment Written 14-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2015
-
Thank you very much for the review and feedback.
Comment from Sambangi
This is a potential entry for the contest. Within the few syllables, you have managed to pass on a very important message effectively. Perhaps this is the only way to control pollution, especially in cities. All best for the contest
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2015
|
This is a potential entry for the contest. Within the few syllables, you have managed to pass on a very important message effectively. Perhaps this is the only way to control pollution, especially in cities. All best for the contest
Comment Written 14-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2015
-
Thank you very much for the review and feedback. I appreciate you taking the time. to read my haiku. :)