Danger Is My Business
a noir hard-boiled detective story set in the late 40s25 total reviews
Comment from Eric1
Hi Mystery author, this is an excellent entry for this particular competition, Your characters are really well drawn, I like the way Johnny expresses himself, the authenticity and setting come across excellently, great authors notes too! I wish you the best of luck in the contest my friend.
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2015
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Hi Mystery author, this is an excellent entry for this particular competition, Your characters are really well drawn, I like the way Johnny expresses himself, the authenticity and setting come across excellently, great authors notes too! I wish you the best of luck in the contest my friend.
Comment Written 11-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2015
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I am very pleased you enjoyed how I characterized Johnny. This story was a lot of fun to write and I'm glad you found the author's notes helpful.
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They certainly were my friend.
Comment from JaseDR85
Very nicely written. You have a firm grasp on showing vs telling, and your dialog is very snappy back and forth, and smooth to follow. I never found myself confused on who is talking, and some small additions of action while they talk made it seem like they were not two posterboard cutouts conversing. Fantastic job, keep up the great work!
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2015
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Very nicely written. You have a firm grasp on showing vs telling, and your dialog is very snappy back and forth, and smooth to follow. I never found myself confused on who is talking, and some small additions of action while they talk made it seem like they were not two posterboard cutouts conversing. Fantastic job, keep up the great work!
Comment Written 11-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2015
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I am very pleased you did not find the dialog confusing. It's a challenge to mimic the style of those old pulp fiction stories. Thanks so much for sharing.
Comment from Bryana
This story or chapter caught my interest from
the beginning. Johnny Athens seem to be an
interesting man that wished he had worn a
better suit when he saw that pretty woman.
I was waiting for the woman to say she had
called the police and they were looking for her husband.
The end was very surprising.
This is a very well written, it kept my interest. I hope
the story continues. I'll be waiting.
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2015
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This story or chapter caught my interest from
the beginning. Johnny Athens seem to be an
interesting man that wished he had worn a
better suit when he saw that pretty woman.
I was waiting for the woman to say she had
called the police and they were looking for her husband.
The end was very surprising.
This is a very well written, it kept my interest. I hope
the story continues. I'll be waiting.
Comment Written 11-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2015
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I definitely appreciate your reading this story, Bryana, and your interest in reading more of the novel. Noir fiction is passé these days, but who knows? I enjoyed writing this story and just might continue.
Comment from giraffmang
HI there,
I simply lovd this. You really nailed this. Perfect tone. I could hear the narration in my head like a voiceover. Great stuff
GMG
Her eyes, like a banshee's claws, tore at my face. - I love this, it grabbed me when I read it.
He in sales, travel a lot? - needs closing speech marks.
So my landlor would - landlord
You've heard of him, I'm sure. - needs closing speech marks.
Her jaw rose like the stern of a sinking ship, quivered, and sank. - another superb line.
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2015
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HI there,
I simply lovd this. You really nailed this. Perfect tone. I could hear the narration in my head like a voiceover. Great stuff
GMG
Her eyes, like a banshee's claws, tore at my face. - I love this, it grabbed me when I read it.
He in sales, travel a lot? - needs closing speech marks.
So my landlor would - landlord
You've heard of him, I'm sure. - needs closing speech marks.
Her jaw rose like the stern of a sinking ship, quivered, and sank. - another superb line.
Comment Written 11-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2015
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I am thrilled you enjoyed this story so much, GMG. It was a lot of fun to write. Thank you also for pointing out my errors.
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I would love to read more of this
Comment from mfowler
It's a shame that noir fiction isn't doing too well. You display an uncanny knack for it in this scene with Mona and the PI. The plot is explored via the interview and ends with the confession that her Charlie needs a bodyguard. Then she dies closing the case, the story and the need to explain further. That's not the issue, this is about the last time you saw Charlie and this down and nearly out gumshoe gives a great account of what happened. The inclusion of great authentic detail eg Jimmy Stewart's presence, Rubloff, the neighbourhood, add a sense of realism to this. The first person narrative is very noir and the way he describes his surroundings, his role in life, his attitude to dames and his sardonic internalisations really felt nostalgic and almost real.
Loved the storytelling which was mostly great SHOW via dialogue, internalisation, description and action. You should win this. Best of luck.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2015
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It's a shame that noir fiction isn't doing too well. You display an uncanny knack for it in this scene with Mona and the PI. The plot is explored via the interview and ends with the confession that her Charlie needs a bodyguard. Then she dies closing the case, the story and the need to explain further. That's not the issue, this is about the last time you saw Charlie and this down and nearly out gumshoe gives a great account of what happened. The inclusion of great authentic detail eg Jimmy Stewart's presence, Rubloff, the neighbourhood, add a sense of realism to this. The first person narrative is very noir and the way he describes his surroundings, his role in life, his attitude to dames and his sardonic internalisations really felt nostalgic and almost real.
Loved the storytelling which was mostly great SHOW via dialogue, internalisation, description and action. You should win this. Best of luck.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2015
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I, too, am sad that hard-boiled fiction seems to be fading. I am pleased, however, that you found so many aspects in this story to praise. Thank you so much.
