The Funeral Of Jacob Jones
Jacob Jones has a word or two to say about his funeral.24 total reviews
Comment from mumsyone
Second reading: You missed a few - or maybe I did, but here they are. Note: If you normally write stories, you can treat the dialogue the same way in poetry as you do in a story. The only difference is the line breaks (and the caps at the beginnings of your lines in poetry). Hope I got them all this time. Good luck in the contest!
"Oh, no, you don't," I said, while floating overhead quite dead.
(") You were sleeping with my wife behind the storage shed.
You speak kind and endearing words over my grave just now,
But what did you say the other day? I am Molly's sweet Cash Cow?"
"I drowned in the river, you fool," I said, if only he'd look up,
(')"After she slipped a sleeping pill into my coffee cup.
"Thank you, boy,(") the pastor said. (")Would you please take your seat.
TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE ARE SPEAKING HERE, so you need quotation marks for each:
"I appreciate you all coming here," Ralph said as he strode up to the floor.
________
Cute poem, and a good entry for the Funeral contest, but it has far too many unneeded quotation marks. As long as the dialogue of one person is in the same stanza, you only need one set of opening and closing quotation marks. I would also suggest changing some of the periods to commas, as shown; also a few typos. If you make changes, please let me know, and I will be happy to look at it again.
"Dearly beloved," Pastor Frank began, his head so humbly bowed.(,)
"We're here to eulogize our friend, and I know he'd be most proud.
I've asked a few of his family and friends to say a piece on his behalf.
His wife, his son, his pastor, and lets (let's) not forget his partner, Ralph."
"Oh(,) no(,) you don't," I said, while floating overhead quite dead.
You were sleeping with my wife behind the storage shed.
You speak kind and endearing words over my grave just now,
But what did you say the other day? I am Molly's sweet Cash Cow?"
"Please come and say a word or two, Molly Jones," the Pastor said(,)
About your darling husband, who is, unfortunately(,) quite dead.
I know you miss him more than anyone here could know,
So please tell us what happened when he fell from the family boat?"
"Thank you, boy," the pastor said. "Would you please take your seat,(.)
We will hear from partner Ralph, and let him express his grief."
"I appreciate you all coming here," Ralph said as he strode up to the floor,(.)
"I will be really brief, and try not to be a bore."
"Oh, please," I gasped, from where I sat on a chair beside my casket,(.)
"You've never been brief at anything, you hopeless boring maggot.
You stole from me every change (chance) you got, and you seemed to find them often.
Don't make me get up from here and shove you in this coffin."
"Thank you, Ralf (Ralph)," Pastor said, once everyone was asleep and snoring,
"because my partner wasn't just dishonest, but was really truly boring.
Now it's my turn to say how I felt about this poor dead man,(no comma)
Who drowned once he fell off his boat and failed to swim to land."
"Oh, no," I sighed. "Let's see what this foolish man has to say of me.
He's going on about the time I took to help the poor in the community.
He says I was a mighty man of God, and I do believe that's true,
Cause my Mama raised me that way, and said that's what real men do."
"Here he lies, in this coffin cold," the Pastor man said most sad,(.)
"He was the best man his family and this Church has ever had.
So let's sing a song to honor him, and I know it will give you a shiver,
Turn, if you will, to page 109, and sing, 'Shall We Gather by the River.'"
"Good idea," says I as I hover, but soon to take my journey up,
"Maybe you will find against that shore, my tainted coffee cup.(")
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2015
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Second reading: You missed a few - or maybe I did, but here they are. Note: If you normally write stories, you can treat the dialogue the same way in poetry as you do in a story. The only difference is the line breaks (and the caps at the beginnings of your lines in poetry). Hope I got them all this time. Good luck in the contest!
"Oh, no, you don't," I said, while floating overhead quite dead.
(") You were sleeping with my wife behind the storage shed.
You speak kind and endearing words over my grave just now,
But what did you say the other day? I am Molly's sweet Cash Cow?"
"I drowned in the river, you fool," I said, if only he'd look up,
(')"After she slipped a sleeping pill into my coffee cup.
"Thank you, boy,(") the pastor said. (")Would you please take your seat.
TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE ARE SPEAKING HERE, so you need quotation marks for each:
"I appreciate you all coming here," Ralph said as he strode up to the floor.
________
Cute poem, and a good entry for the Funeral contest, but it has far too many unneeded quotation marks. As long as the dialogue of one person is in the same stanza, you only need one set of opening and closing quotation marks. I would also suggest changing some of the periods to commas, as shown; also a few typos. If you make changes, please let me know, and I will be happy to look at it again.
"Dearly beloved," Pastor Frank began, his head so humbly bowed.(,)
"We're here to eulogize our friend, and I know he'd be most proud.
I've asked a few of his family and friends to say a piece on his behalf.
His wife, his son, his pastor, and lets (let's) not forget his partner, Ralph."
"Oh(,) no(,) you don't," I said, while floating overhead quite dead.
You were sleeping with my wife behind the storage shed.
You speak kind and endearing words over my grave just now,
But what did you say the other day? I am Molly's sweet Cash Cow?"
"Please come and say a word or two, Molly Jones," the Pastor said(,)
About your darling husband, who is, unfortunately(,) quite dead.
I know you miss him more than anyone here could know,
So please tell us what happened when he fell from the family boat?"
"Thank you, boy," the pastor said. "Would you please take your seat,(.)
We will hear from partner Ralph, and let him express his grief."
"I appreciate you all coming here," Ralph said as he strode up to the floor,(.)
"I will be really brief, and try not to be a bore."
"Oh, please," I gasped, from where I sat on a chair beside my casket,(.)
"You've never been brief at anything, you hopeless boring maggot.
You stole from me every change (chance) you got, and you seemed to find them often.
Don't make me get up from here and shove you in this coffin."
"Thank you, Ralf (Ralph)," Pastor said, once everyone was asleep and snoring,
"because my partner wasn't just dishonest, but was really truly boring.
Now it's my turn to say how I felt about this poor dead man,(no comma)
Who drowned once he fell off his boat and failed to swim to land."
"Oh, no," I sighed. "Let's see what this foolish man has to say of me.
He's going on about the time I took to help the poor in the community.
He says I was a mighty man of God, and I do believe that's true,
Cause my Mama raised me that way, and said that's what real men do."
"Here he lies, in this coffin cold," the Pastor man said most sad,(.)
"He was the best man his family and this Church has ever had.
So let's sing a song to honor him, and I know it will give you a shiver,
Turn, if you will, to page 109, and sing, 'Shall We Gather by the River.'"
"Good idea," says I as I hover, but soon to take my journey up,
"Maybe you will find against that shore, my tainted coffee cup.(")
Comment Written 12-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2015
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You have taken a lot of time to carefully look over my poem, and I am so greatly appreciative of that. I am, as you can probably tell, more of a story writer, but am learning poetry. This is the best way to do it, and you have really gone out of your way. After looking over it again, please let me know if there is anything I have still missed. Thanks so much.
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Thank you so much for helping me win! Without your help, I don't think I could have pulled it off. It is reviewers like you that help the rest of us grow! Thanks again,
Rhonda
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Congratulations on your win! I'm glad I could help. Keep up the good work!
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Again, thanks so much!
Comment from write hand blue
I don't review much poetry, but this one caught my eye.
An amusing tale of a man who was pushed overboard from a small boat by his unfaithful wife, drugged up so he drowned. In order to claim his inheritance.
Well written, with a compelling story that held me to the end.
Good luck with the competition.
:) Mel.
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2015
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I don't review much poetry, but this one caught my eye.
An amusing tale of a man who was pushed overboard from a small boat by his unfaithful wife, drugged up so he drowned. In order to claim his inheritance.
Well written, with a compelling story that held me to the end.
Good luck with the competition.
:) Mel.
Comment Written 12-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2015
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Thank you so much, Mel. You have done a marvelous job of reading and review, leaving, me, the poet, feeling much better about my poem! Thanks.
Comment from Ginnygray
A very good poem and a well written description of the feelings of the deceased! Interesting throughout the poem how the poet uses the deceased man's voice to actually reveal the true facts about how Jacob dies or was actually murdered! How his wife poisoned him and pushes him into the river is revealed as well as his true feelings about his partner who was a thief!
A very good entry for the contest! Good luck!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2015
|
A very good poem and a well written description of the feelings of the deceased! Interesting throughout the poem how the poet uses the deceased man's voice to actually reveal the true facts about how Jacob dies or was actually murdered! How his wife poisoned him and pushes him into the river is revealed as well as his true feelings about his partner who was a thief!
A very good entry for the contest! Good luck!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2015
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Thank you so much, those are very kind remarks. Thanks for taking the time.
Comment from Gunner Lil
A very enjoyable poem. You painted a nice picture of the funeral and the ghost
moving about. An easy read that had the reader wanting to read more.
A good pace with the dialogue helping to move the story along.
Thank you!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2015
|
A very enjoyable poem. You painted a nice picture of the funeral and the ghost
moving about. An easy read that had the reader wanting to read more.
A good pace with the dialogue helping to move the story along.
Thank you!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2015
-
Thank you so much for your wonderful comments! I'm glad it worked out well. You never really know until other people read it!
