The Promise
A show of devotion43 total reviews
Comment from ExperiencingLiphe
I want a follow up story! I hope they stayed in contact and got married and had cute little babies! Hey, a girl can wish. When I read this all I could think of what the episode of Full House when Teddy was moving away and so Michelle tied him to a chair to try to keep him there. Again, I want a follow up and it better be good :)
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2015
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I want a follow up story! I hope they stayed in contact and got married and had cute little babies! Hey, a girl can wish. When I read this all I could think of what the episode of Full House when Teddy was moving away and so Michelle tied him to a chair to try to keep him there. Again, I want a follow up and it better be good :)
Comment Written 23-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2015
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You're the second reviewer asking for a sequel.. Ugh, the pressure!!
I don't recall that particular episode.
Loved the show and I love your reviews !
John
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You can just have fun with it. We won't know if it's what happened or not. :)
Comment from mfowler
Your charming story of the married kids really engrossed me throughout. Their innocent ploy to stave off separation is beautifully played out throughout the narrative. You held the ceremony back just long enough for it to be a reveal early on. You then tell a touching story about the ceremony that was based on memory. The 'awful-lawful' conversation was precious and entered the story at a great moment. The sadness of the separation is then revealed and you finish with a hopeful, yet melancholy holding of hands. A truly lovely story.
SPAG:
This was a sixer for me, but I found some 'tense' issues that should be addressed.
In these senetneces you deviate from your past tense mode to present.
Tommy nods and they continue to run to the house then through the back door.
"Mrs. Fallon!" Nicole yells.
Mrs. Fallon looks at the two best friends sadly.
She stops as the children's eyes fill with tears.
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2015
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Your charming story of the married kids really engrossed me throughout. Their innocent ploy to stave off separation is beautifully played out throughout the narrative. You held the ceremony back just long enough for it to be a reveal early on. You then tell a touching story about the ceremony that was based on memory. The 'awful-lawful' conversation was precious and entered the story at a great moment. The sadness of the separation is then revealed and you finish with a hopeful, yet melancholy holding of hands. A truly lovely story.
SPAG:
This was a sixer for me, but I found some 'tense' issues that should be addressed.
In these senetneces you deviate from your past tense mode to present.
Tommy nods and they continue to run to the house then through the back door.
"Mrs. Fallon!" Nicole yells.
Mrs. Fallon looks at the two best friends sadly.
She stops as the children's eyes fill with tears.
Comment Written 23-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2015
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I have difficulty with them blasted tenses!!
I already made many corrections.
Thank you very much M.
John
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This was the best thing I've read for two days. Tenses can easily be fixed up. Storytelling, on the other hand, is a gift and you displayed that beautifully here.
Comment from Fridayauthor
Exceptionally well written piece. It is very nicely constructed and carries smoothly to the end.
I especially like the dialog as it rings true. Needless to say, the ending is perfect.
Thank you for a fine posting.
This from a live time Red Sox fan!
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2015
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Exceptionally well written piece. It is very nicely constructed and carries smoothly to the end.
I especially like the dialog as it rings true. Needless to say, the ending is perfect.
Thank you for a fine posting.
This from a live time Red Sox fan!
Comment Written 23-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2015
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We'll have to chat during the season when the Yankees beat up on the BoSox.
For now, thank you for reading and for that great review. It's very much appreciated.
John
Comment from Ben Colder
The games youngsters play. Brought back a memory of the other day when I was spraying roundup to kill off the weeds. Good to see something good come out of the ones the kids picked. I find no mistakes. Well done.
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2015
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The games youngsters play. Brought back a memory of the other day when I was spraying roundup to kill off the weeds. Good to see something good come out of the ones the kids picked. I find no mistakes. Well done.
Comment Written 23-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2015
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Thank you Ben. Always appreciated...
John
Comment from Ric Myworld
Thanks for the pleasure of reading another of your fine children's story that tugs gently on my old heartstrings. How many lives have actually been changed forever, for the better or worse by having to move? I guess we'll never know for sure. Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2015
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Thanks for the pleasure of reading another of your fine children's story that tugs gently on my old heartstrings. How many lives have actually been changed forever, for the better or worse by having to move? I guess we'll never know for sure. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 23-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2015
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Thank you ric for the great review. Always appreciated. John
Comment from thee-name
Excellent story. Seen no mistakes. Your writing was interesting.
Tommy ran to the crest of the hill behind his house and knelt on the ground.
Tommy slid off the bed and sat next to her.
He placed her tiny hand into his.
"Hey . . . I promise."
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2015
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Excellent story. Seen no mistakes. Your writing was interesting.
Tommy ran to the crest of the hill behind his house and knelt on the ground.
Tommy slid off the bed and sat next to her.
He placed her tiny hand into his.
"Hey . . . I promise."
Comment Written 23-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2015
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Thank you for stopping to read and teview this little story. John
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thank you!
Comment from Linda Engel
So sweet and tender the thoughts and beliefs of children. It worked for adults why won't it work for them. Great story and holds attention well. I had a boy as my best friend when I was young. Stayed best friends till we moved to another state at 15 years old. Promises are well meant. very good
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2015
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So sweet and tender the thoughts and beliefs of children. It worked for adults why won't it work for them. Great story and holds attention well. I had a boy as my best friend when I was young. Stayed best friends till we moved to another state at 15 years old. Promises are well meant. very good
Comment Written 23-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2015
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Life just keeps on moving, right?
Thank you Linda. Always appreciated. John
Comment from alf collier
Hi jmdg1954. I've said it before and I'll say it again, you tell the most awesome tales!!!! there is something about your writing style that really gets to me as I read, and this story is no exception. I can imagine this happening in life. the logic of children!!! As always, I love it, alf
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2015
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Hi jmdg1954. I've said it before and I'll say it again, you tell the most awesome tales!!!! there is something about your writing style that really gets to me as I read, and this story is no exception. I can imagine this happening in life. the logic of children!!! As always, I love it, alf
Comment Written 23-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2015
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alf... Thank you for those encouraging words!
Have a great weekend. John
Comment from Jennpenn
This was poignant and lovely. How simple--and complicated--childhood is. You capture the dichotomy perfectly. I especially love this line:
With the back of his dirty hand, he wiped the beads of sweat from his forehead. The August sun was relentless, showering rays of heat.
This line sets the scene beautifully, and gives readers a glimpse into your innate talent. Writing, I believe, has to be delivered through "feel." Some have the ability, and some just don't. You do. I took the liberty of adding the comma after "relentless."
That said, at this point it becomes all about perfecting the craft. Here's where you have to pay careful attention to editing. Read the following exchange, and ask yourself, what's wrong here:
"Now should we go tell your mom?"
Tommy nods and they continue to run to the house then through the back door.
"Mrs. Fallon!" Nicole yells.
Tommy's mother was seated at the kitchen table behind piles of folded and unfolded laundry.
"Nicole, honey. Is everything alright? Where's Tommy?" she said nervously beginning to stand.
"Mom, I'm right here," he said walking in.
Beginning with "Tommy nods," you slip the point of view. You go from third-person, past-tense, to third-person present. You do it again in the next line "Nicole yells." You do this a few times throughout the story, which is disconcerting to readers. After each story you write, always read through and make sure the POV is right.
Also, "alright" isn't a word. It should be "all right." Just saying....
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2015
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This was poignant and lovely. How simple--and complicated--childhood is. You capture the dichotomy perfectly. I especially love this line:
With the back of his dirty hand, he wiped the beads of sweat from his forehead. The August sun was relentless, showering rays of heat.
This line sets the scene beautifully, and gives readers a glimpse into your innate talent. Writing, I believe, has to be delivered through "feel." Some have the ability, and some just don't. You do. I took the liberty of adding the comma after "relentless."
That said, at this point it becomes all about perfecting the craft. Here's where you have to pay careful attention to editing. Read the following exchange, and ask yourself, what's wrong here:
"Now should we go tell your mom?"
Tommy nods and they continue to run to the house then through the back door.
"Mrs. Fallon!" Nicole yells.
Tommy's mother was seated at the kitchen table behind piles of folded and unfolded laundry.
"Nicole, honey. Is everything alright? Where's Tommy?" she said nervously beginning to stand.
"Mom, I'm right here," he said walking in.
Beginning with "Tommy nods," you slip the point of view. You go from third-person, past-tense, to third-person present. You do it again in the next line "Nicole yells." You do this a few times throughout the story, which is disconcerting to readers. After each story you write, always read through and make sure the POV is right.
Also, "alright" isn't a word. It should be "all right." Just saying....
Comment Written 23-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2015
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Jenn... Thank you for taking all that time in this review. I do need to practice and review my tenses... I'm always caught in that mistake.
Thank you again. Have you posted lately?
John
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Haven't posted, but hope to soon. I'm also a horticulturist, and this is my busy season--planting all those gardens!!!
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Haven't posted, but hope to soon. I'm also a horticulturist, and this is my busy season--planting all those gardens!!!
Comment from Green Lake Girl
Such a sweet tale you've penned. Maybe you wrote from experience? LOL
I think you captured the innocence of childhood and the sincere friendships that can be formed at such a young age.
"The August sun was relentless(,) showering rays of heat." This was my favorite line and for just a moment I could feel that kind of heat. Wonderfully descriptive.
Well done, John.
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2015
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Such a sweet tale you've penned. Maybe you wrote from experience? LOL
I think you captured the innocence of childhood and the sincere friendships that can be formed at such a young age.
"The August sun was relentless(,) showering rays of heat." This was my favorite line and for just a moment I could feel that kind of heat. Wonderfully descriptive.
Well done, John.
Comment Written 23-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2015
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GLG.... Great review, thank you so much. John