Comment from Domino 2

Excellent

Hi, Deano.

Perfect 1st paragraph displaying vivid imagery of the scene, and it creates a calming atmosphere in contrast to the horror that follows.

Maybe, 'TEENAGE son' to emphasise his age.

I was a bit puzzled how Johnny's girlfriend committed suicide in HIS apartment whilst he wasn't there. Maybe, 'live-in girlfriend' for more clarity.

Another quickie horror shortie that packs a punch.

Excellent.

Cheers, Ray

 Comment Written 01-Apr-2015

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reply by the author on 01-Apr-2015

Thanks, Rayman. You're right, I should add a reference to his age. I'm just doing my best to keep these as brief as possible. I can't see how one word will make it that much longer, right? I'll get on it.

As for the suicide, it was Johnny, the boy, who killed himself. Look at the following line again...

"A crumpled note from the boy's girlfriend juts from his stiff clenched fist."

He was the one who overdosed because of the note his gave him the day before at school. He just hadn't read it yet -- probably stuffed it in his jacket assuming that it was a love note. It wasn't.

Hopefully that helps clear things up a bit. I'm really very grateful for the feedback. :) ~DeanO

reply by Domino 2 on 01-Apr-2015

Thanks for your very gracious reply, Deano.

I still don't get the line you highlight, as I read it as though it's HIM who moves on with the note from HER in his fist.

Maybe I'm just being dim. I haven't read any other reviews, so if it's just me, please make allowances, as it's late here. :-)

Cheers, mate. Ray.

reply by the author on 01-Apr-2015

No worries, Ray. Basically all it says is the note is clutched in his fist, and he's dead.

No biggie. ;)

reply by Domino 2 on 01-Apr-2015

I just read it again before crashing out for the night, Dean.

You're right - I missed the point, and I now see it - in that HIS girlfriend dumped HIM and HE therefore committed suicide.

D'OH, I sometimes miss the obvious.

Apologies, my friend.

Ray.

reply by the author on 01-Apr-2015

Like I said, it's no problem at all, Ray. I knew it would hit you eventually. You're a lot like I am in that respect. If someone tells me that I've somehow misinterpreted something, I'll read it again and again until I figure it out.

Sleep tight, mate. I'll holler at you later. ~DeanO :)

reply by Domino 2 on 01-Apr-2015

I only read things 'again and again' if they're written by poets/authors I admire for their talent...and you're sure one of them, mate.

'Hollers' back. ;-)

Comment from Linda Engel

Excellent

Suicide is senseless. a sadden waste of a perfectly good body. You can't get them to understand that there will be someone else. That days will be better. That life goes one. Suicide is the quick fix . And no matter how much Mama loves you it isn't enough when your girl or guy breaks your heart.
My nephew committed suicide when he was 23 years old. His young girlfriend had just left him. He called his mom and by the time she got there he had shot himself. He was an only child.

 Comment Written 01-Apr-2015

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reply by the author on 01-Apr-2015

That's so sad, Linda. You're absolutely right, sometimes no matter what you try to say or do, or how noble and good your intentions might be, nothing seems to matter to them. It's as if the world's stopped spinning and they are about to be hurled off it, into outer space -- or so they think.

So sorry to hear about your nephew. Just 23, he had his entire life ahead of him. Such a waste... ~Dean

Comment from Spitfire

Excellent

You start out with disturbing details with nouns and verbs that hint of horror-- smudges, distorted, static, shooting, tattered, toppled. Nice contrast with the mother's love vs the Dear John letter.
crumpled note from the boy's girlfriend juts slightly from his stiff clenched fist.

Again, I would delete "slightly".

Good use of another song title to get the suicide across.

The one question I have: Johnny poured the cereal. When did he get the letter? Not clear on the time frame here.

 Comment Written 01-Apr-2015

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reply by the author on 01-Apr-2015

I'll take care of the word "slightly", Shari.

The idea is that he's had the letter from the day before, from school, although I don't come right out and say so. You know how it is, your husband slips you a nice note saying "I love you, have a great day, sweetheart", but you don't really think to read it until much later (if at all ). You're so used to that person's ways and mannerisms, you "assume" you know what the note is going to say before you read it. In Johnny's case, his note was a dear John letter for dear Johnny, LOL.

Perhaps he reached in his pocket while eating an early breakfast and, realizing the note was in his pocket, decided to read it. For a kid of about 15 or 16, probably weighing in at 145 lbs. soak & wet, it wouldn't take long for a whole bottle of Vicodin and some Jack Black Label to do the trick.

That was the idea behind Johnny's demise, anyhow.

Thanks for the review, and the suggestion. I appreciate them both. :) ~Dean

Comment from boxergirl

Exceptional

This one touches my heart Dean. A young boy with a mom who clearly loved him succumbs to his broken heart and gives the grim reaper another notch on his belt. A realistic scene I am sad to say.

 Comment Written 01-Apr-2015

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reply by the author on 01-Apr-2015

All too real, Karen, and far too common. My wife worked with a single mom, not too long ago, who went home only to find her 14 year old son dead. The boy had hanged himself. At fourteen, he'd barely begun to live. No note, no warning signs...nothing.

That lady never came back to work as long as my wife remained there. Sometimes, there's just nothing you can do, especially if you don't know that something's wrong.

Thanks very much for you heartfelt review. I appreciate it. ~Dean

Comment from Tomes Johnston

Excellent

This is yet another excellent poem that the author has created here. I love all of your poems. They are so terrifying and wonderful. Keep writing them.

 Comment Written 01-Apr-2015

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reply by the author on 01-Apr-2015

Thank you very much for your interest in this series, Thomes, and for your generous support and rating as well.

All my best, my friend. ~Dean

reply by Tomes Johnston on 02-Apr-2015

No worries

Comment from kiwijenny

Excellent

Groan ...no. She wasn't worth it .....
You are the master, Dean of setting the scene and adding your unique grim twist...you reap what you know.
God bless

 Comment Written 01-Apr-2015

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reply by the author on 01-Apr-2015

Yep, you are right about that, Jenny. Thanks a lot for taking a stab at this.

~Dean

Comment from Sis Cat

Excellent

Wow. Dark and haunting and the best thing is that I am reading it in the early afternoon way before bedtime. I read it twice to assemble the story from the descriptive fragments you wrote--an unanswered telephone call from mother, a bottle of Jack Daniels next to an empty bottle of Vicodin, the crumpled note of a girlfriend in the stiff hand of an unresponsive man. Death, grinning and waiting, completes the story.

Well done. Thanks for scaring.

 Comment Written 01-Apr-2015

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reply by the author on 01-Apr-2015

Thanks very much, Sis Cat. I'm really glad that you enjoyed the story. ~Dean

Comment from Patrick G Cox

Excellent

Hi Dean Kuch,

A very touching commentary this, on the fact that far too many young people today seem to feel the need to end their lives over sometimes apparently trivial things, but, increasingly, thanks to bullying, exclusion and persecution at school.

Patrick

 Comment Written 01-Apr-2015

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reply by the author on 01-Apr-2015

You're absolutely right, Patrick. Now it can be done 24/7, right in the comfort of their own homes.

I very much appreciate your review. :) ~Dean

Comment from royowen

Excellent

I love these short, sharp delicacies of yours Dean, the artwork you choose is always stunningly appropriate in its choice, that within itself takes a great deal of talent and perception, I love it and wish I could also do it, as always your admiring friend, blessings, Roy

 Comment Written 01-Apr-2015

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reply by the author on 01-Apr-2015

Thank you very much for the complimentary comments and review, Roy. You are a gentleman and a scholar, and I very much appreciate your review, my friend. ~Dean

reply by royowen on 02-Apr-2015

my pleasure Dean.

Comment from GregoryCody

Excellent

Ooh. So did he break up with his girlfriend and take his own life? Did he go through with it? Great writing, Fantastic imagery, especially with the cereal and jean jacket. Great piece. Makes one think what happened, ponder, etc. LOVE IT.

 Comment Written 01-Apr-2015

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reply by the author on 01-Apr-2015

She broke it off with him, Gregory, and he drank and drugged himself to death. You know, the Reaper doesn't come around us if there's nothing in it for him; nothing for him to collect. As happens all too often these days, teens think a break-up with a guy or girl is the end of the world. I know I've felt that way a time or two, and I'm sure you have too.

Thanks a bunch for the review. I really appreciate it. :} ~Dean

reply by GregoryCody on 01-Apr-2015

Ugh yeah I have been through tough ones. Couldn't eat or sleep, etc. with time it all passes though. I couldn't imagine being with them now!